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*~*'~* November Dating Thread *~*'~* How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? - Page 12

post #221 of 276
I think my date last night went well, I had fun and I hope he did!
He picked me up early ( I love people that are on time!!) opened the doors for me, even the van door! We didn't end up seeing a movie because dinner was served crazy fast and there was over 2 hours till the movie played. So we went to a friend of his place and I met all his close friends and their wives/so and we went to a dance with them all. It was a Hunters Ball, he and all his friends hunt so it was right up his ally! We danced to the slow songs, he held my hand and had his arm around me most of the night. I feel very comfortable around him I can't describe it! I think he is a cuddly person he gives of that vibe and I really enjoy that physical connection with someone. My x never touched me, Hot neighbour had more physical contact with me last night than x did in at least 5 years. I hope we can go out again, I really enjoyed it! We kissed a little bit when he dropped me off, that was nice to, he didn't seem to push for more and I didn't offer! Gonna try that 90 day plan Steve Harvey talks about!
post #222 of 276
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
muse, I am so sorry for your loss. Take time to grieve.
thanks..yes it is grief, and in the past 4 days i've gone through all the stages. it's a long story of how it ended on wed night, but let me just say it got very bizarre and i got to experience a whole other side of mr chicago guy. still trying to process it all. i've felt sadness, loss, longing, regret; i wrote an email that i never sent telling him how much he meant to me, and how grateful i am for our connection blah blah...and then today i woke up and looked at my children and just thought "what an A**HOLE".

not doing the long distance thing ever again without meeting the person asap. disturbing how clever someone can be at hiding facets of their personality. no wonder he was hesitant to meet, he was scared this would come out, and it did. anger, sarcasm, meanness, controlling ness, insecurity, egotism...YUCK. though i think he could have been clever for while in person, and then i could have got *really* hurt.

and mamas, i want to scream out to these men, DO NOT MESS WITH A SINGLE MAMA, who has been through divorce, loss, grief, who has children to care for...
post #223 of 276
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post
I have heard that the first post-divorce relationship break up is particularly hard. I hope I do not have to experience that first hand. And I am sorry for those here who have.
: I just got another letter from VGB (remember he promised his gf 9 months ago to not have any contact with me??? What a trustworthy boyfriend--i'm soooooo jealous of her) explaining finally that actually, something always felt 'off' between us and he sensed that things had no long term potential between us despite the connection and passion. So why not make a clean breakup with me last winter and say that and rip the band-aid off? Why keep coming back to my home every few days for 3 more weeks and acting in love with me? Why continue to drag out drama for another solid year, including yesterday when he says he couldn't sleep for dreams of me? Why why why why why? :

First post-divorce relationship breakup. It's awful. :


and Zeta, I have no flippin' clue why CH is on a mad mission to introduce me to his kids. I think they're used to seeing women and men dating their parents and come and go and I don't like that, for them, at all. It's sad.

MomAnderson, sounds like a GREAT date! And if the 90 day thing feels good and jives with your personal tempo, then go for it.
post #224 of 276
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by muse View Post
not doing the long distance thing ever again without meeting the person asap. disturbing how clever someone can be at hiding facets of their personality.

: Exactly. Isn't that the kitchen table wisdom I've been shouting from the rooftops?? in-person-meeting ASAP after you have done a quickie assesment for dealbreakers. Period. You described the reasoning perfectly and succinctly. So clever men can be at hiding sides of themselves that could only come out after longer stretches of in-person exposure. Pertinent to get to that point of observation sooner rather than later....

Quote:
Originally Posted by muse View Post
and mamas, i want to scream out to these men, DO NOT MESS WITH A SINGLE MAMA, who has been through divorce, loss, grief, who has children to care for...
Yes. : Yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. Stay the flip away from us who are already so raw and having so much on our plates. It's so below-the-belt to offer a fool's paradise to a woman who is doing her best with a shit hand already. :
post #225 of 276
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ione View Post
If you ever see me online on FB, and are needing to chat, don't hesitate to drop me a line. For real.
You are awesome. Thanks to you and Rosehip and sugarmoon who have chatted me off my little crisis ledge in the last 18 hours.
post #226 of 276
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post
Butterfly, Something is "off." It's as if he is in a rush to show off his kids to you or you to his kids. What's the deal?
I don't know what *his* deal is, but I have talked to a few dads I know about the "meet the kids ASAP" vs. "keep totally separate until commitment has been made" thing.

In a nutshell, they all seem to want the first meeting to happen *before* any commitment is made... because how that interaction (between dates and kids) goes can be one of their most important red flags or deal-breakers and they'd rather know that sooner than later.

Dunno.
post #227 of 276
So sorry muse. Glad you found out though.

Butterflymom, your dude sets off my radar. My experience is that when people jump to that "I love you" so quickly--after just a few dates--there is something off.

Love takes time, it takes being together through some %^*. I do believe you can have an intense, immediate connection with someone--I don't doubt that. But someone who would immediately label it "I love you" and tell me that info would scare me. I don't think it is a mature thing at all.

Add that into the kid thing and him half hearing your discomfort, it would be a dealbreaker for me. What's his rush? It sounds like he has a "steam-roller issue with boundaries" streak in him.
post #228 of 276
Thread Starter 

from bad to worse

I got a message this morning from CH full of pessimism and gloom&doom and saying that my reaction was very upsetting to him and he is either an idiot or not able to foresee this type of thing because he is fully unaware of the dating rules. He then states "I have a deadened here. I am truly sorry for the distress." and when I wrote back saying, " a deadened what?" he didnt' answer for awhile, and I wrote again asking if it was so difficult to answer and he writes back and says "It is. If only I had a chance to tell the long (and boring) story of my past, you would understand. I hadn't." and I respond angrily that he is really in the wrong to make this all about him, and continue to simply ignore me and press forward with his agenda while I'm trying very hard to express my point of view and feelings openly and hope he sees the reason in my desire to take things slow.

He didn't respond. I think it's completely over now.
post #229 of 276
Oh my goodness, so much going on on this thread, all the time! Its amazing how the dating world shifts and expands constantly. I've been popping in to read (and groan and sympathize) although I havent had time to update my own situation. So I guess this is the short version ().

Artist Guy and I have moved very steadily forward into "relationship" mode, which has freaked me out a bit on several different levels, but I am trying very hard to keep things in check. He's very intense. Which I like (its challenging and exciting, for one), but leaves me feeling a little "swept away" at times, and maybe not as centered as I'd like to feel.

He's been divorced for 5 years, and his ex moved out of state 2 years ago, taking his daughters about 1500 miles away from him (anyone familiar with my recent divorce will appreciate the irony of this). I initially got the feeling on our first couple of dates that he was really missing and craving having/being part of a family. His last relationship was with a woman who had 2 kids, and he moved in quickly with her (after his ex-wife moved away with his kids) and they lived together for 2 years or so. I could see from that, and from his interaction with my son that he really is (or wants to be) a family guy. Which, frankly, kind of freaked me out. I'm just getting used to the idea of dating, and getting to know someone romantically again without even considering the thought of including them as a part of my family unit.

But just when I was starting to retreat from the whole thing, I sat down one night and really tried to explore what it was I wanted. I've been telling myself that I'm happy being single. I am, its not a lie. I enjoy my life, and I've worked very hard in the last 1.5 years to be exactly where I want to be. But whenever I really consider my future, and what I want for myself and my son, I dont envision myself alone. I've always thought that if I could find the right partner, and I mean the RIGHT partner, I would consider it a blessing to include someone in my life, and in my son's life. But I cant say that I envisioned that happening anytime soon. So I was ready to hit the dating scene, but not really anticipating anything fantastic, or even relationship-worthy.

Cute Artist Guy has swooped in and dashed all my neat theories to hell.
He's probably everything I could dream about and paste on my little picture of "ideal partner", bar the fact that I dont drink at all, and he enjoys going out to see music, which inevitably has landed us in bars 2 weekends in a row. I love seeing live music, and we share same music tastes, but I am NOT into the bar scene. I eliminated alcohol from my life 4 years ago and am not really interested in doing the bar scene at this point in my life. So thats a been a bit awkward for me...it doesnt bother me that he has had a couple drinks, I can see that drinking for him is moderate, and definitely in a social situation, but I would prefer that it wasnt there at all. I have very little tolerance for drinking/drunk people. But besides that....

We have fun together, no matter what we are doing

We email every day during the week, and have spent every minute of the weekends together, sometimes going out alone (sans kid), sometimes doing family things with ds. He usually comes back to my place and seems perfectly content to hang out with my mother and I, help with ds and the bedtime routine, etc. Its weird, but seems perfectly natural. He fits in just right, and he and I seem to have the most intense connection, but its on a very .... profound level. Its like we both already know each other. Whats weird about it is that we have this deep connection, but seems like we are just fishing around filling in the details about each other and our personal stories/experiences. Its so very weird. But it feels very right in many ways.

So thats the skinny for now. We have had the commitment talk, since we have moved into sharing physical intimacy, I wouldnt feel comfortable without us both being monogamous. Introducing me the other day to some of his friends, he said, "And this is my girlfriend..." Gave my heart a little leap

I'm crushing hard, and trying hard not to create a picture of the future. Too soon to envision a family unit, but I have to admit, I daydream about it.
post #230 of 276
Butterfly, I know your heart was getting all leapy for this guy, and this all must be so disappointing/bewildering/shocking. I still think it's a mercy that it's ending so quickly. Major red flags. If he weren't running from you, you'd need to find the gumption to run faster from him. you can/ must do better, and you will!

m-pixie:
"I enjoy my life, and I've worked very hard in the last 1.5 years to be exactly where I want to be."
I love this! I just love how single moms get through the scary part to the empowered part. I never thought I could, and it's such a journey, isn't it! I just find this so worthy of celebration and awe!

-as for your new guy, I think it's good that you are open to him being your possible future/family prospect coming along sooner than you had expected. I also think it's fine for you to ease into that process. you don't have to include him as a family member any sooner than you feel ready for. does that make sense?

My story was just like yours, and it looks like bf and I are getting married, the kids think of him as a step dad (it's been 2 yrs), he's moving in, and yet when I started considering dating I thought such a development would take years (and I was fine with that!).

It is a funny feeling when you are already seeing a possible future together yet also learning basic things about the other! enjoy that, and know that whatever comes of this, you were fine on your own and can be againr if need be.
post #231 of 276
Thread Starter 

Notice

CH remembered me mentioning my online fellowship-of-single-mommies-who-date on the phone last week, and when things got confusing this past weekend, he did many google searches until he found this thread, and he has read everything and can be assumed to be continuing to read everything here.

Know that he is reading. Hi, there!

I feel pretty violated, and feel that this type of stalking behavior is a HUGE WARNING SIGN for potential abusive behaviors of other types. Why on earth didn't he just discuss his confusion with me? : I'm sending him an SMS right this minute saying exactly that. (That I feel violated and concerned and confused that he didn't discuss anything with me but stalked me online instead).
post #232 of 276
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
CH remembered me mentioning my online fellowship-of-single-mommies-who-date on the phone last week, and when things got confusing this past weekend, he did many google searches until he found this thread, and he has read everything and can be assumed to be continuing to read everything here.
and
post #233 of 276
Thread Starter 
Thank god for private communication amongst us. Whew!
post #234 of 276
I was going to comment on Manzanita's and Zeta's posts. My relationship had that similar connection from the start. It just always felt so right. I held back for several months giving it time to mature. I'd say we still became a family pretty quickly though.

But ! Go away internet stalker!
post #235 of 276
Butterfly- I second the wow! go away internet stalker!
post #236 of 276
Butterfly, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this crap. Seriously. I don't have the words.
post #237 of 276
Thread Starter 

So,

I'm so sorry to bring drama and hog the spotlight on this thread. So many positive and interesting developments with you guys, and I'm so distracted by my own personal dating disasters to even comment appropriately and.... Just taking attention away from where it should be, with a weird stalker character lurking. I'm so sorry, guys. Forgive me.
post #238 of 276
*You* have nothing to apologize for, Butterfly...
post #239 of 276
Butterflymom - my mobile is not working at all. I'm waiting for a new sim card. Please know that I think about you all the time. Plese update - here or on FB or private email.

I love you.
post #240 of 276
Been lurking for awhile and am ready to post my situation. Been separated for 6 months now. No chance of reconciliation. We have been separated before for a year that time. Anyway, I have been on my own for 4 months now and have/had no plans to pursue any kind of romantic relationship. I have been quite content with how things are, having time to think about my wants, and grow to know myself a little better.
Finally had a girls night last Saturday and went to a few bars (not my scene really, but we were just having fun). It was the first time I had been out and could possibly enjoy receiving attention from other guys, ie being hit on (doesn't happen much though, but I have not had felt desired for awhile so was hoping to just feel that and take it with a grain of salt) Anyway, we went to a few different places, talked to a bunch of interesting people (seemed to be the older ones in the place though, I am 27 though, but they were the more interesting ones I guess). Well towards the end of the night we were losing interest in the scene so decided to go and when we walked out we started talking to the doorman. Well I guess I must have been griping to my friend that I was bummed that I didn't get hit on and he said something to the effect of how he didn't think that was possible, that I was beautiful and blah blah blah. Anyway, I don't drink much ever so I was a little bit under and we talked out there for awhile and it was quite amusing for all of us. First of all I have to say he has AMAZING eyes. Oh my goodness. Apparently I must have been desperate for a hug because I gave him quite a few. Also, his vibe/presence gave me a sense of ease/security, almost like calming (maybe partly because he has a muscular shape). BUT the entire time he was VERY respectful and never inappropriate. My friend was not drinking and as long as we were all talking I became sober. Anyway so the bar was closing and niether of us wanted to end the conversation, so he asked us to join him at another place that would still be open. We had planned on doing that and I got his number. That didn't work out because my friend and I were getting tired and so we didn't get to see him again. He texted and then called me. I asked him if he remembered my name and he jokingly said umm.... was it... K my friend's name, etc, etc. I was like what an A$$! I said I'll talk to you later and was bummed about that. Anyway, a little bit later he texted he did remember my name and that he was sorry if that offended me. So when I got that text the next day I asked him if he wanted to make it up to me. Well we now have plans to go out for dinner and a movie and a walk lol. We have been texting and talking and alot and he seems to be a very caring person and I am definitely interested in getting to know him better. I did tell him that I would like to develop a friendship first, but that I am attracted to him. Also, at this point I'm not sure if I want any more children. He does not have any and says he wants some. At what point should I mention how I feel about that?

What do you feel is important to discuss up front?

It's nice to feel like this again!
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