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*~*'~* November Dating Thread *~*'~* How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? - Page 13

post #241 of 276
Thread Starter 
Sounds like a promising lead! Definitely not necessary to discuss these things while just learning basic things about the other. He wants kids someday, you don't know if you do, that's not a hard dealbreaker so just go with the flow and take things one day at a time until you two really know each other and feel a lasting connection is possible.
post #242 of 276
Take it slow! No need to ask the big questions, until you've had a few dates and have a sense of whether you actually like the guy in the other ways..give it time, sweetie!

I'm rolling along, happily, with ATG, although I freaked myself out a bit today about how quickly he has become important in my life -- in that way, it is just easier to hit the "alone" single mom equilibrium and just keep rolling with that -- I posted a bit more privately, so anyone who wants to go give me love there, is welcome to!
post #243 of 276
Ok, that's good to hear. Can you tell I never dated much?
post #244 of 276
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Know that he is reading. Hi, there!

I feel pretty violated, and feel that this type of stalking behavior is a HUGE WARNING SIGN for potential abusive behaviors of other types. Why on earth didn't he just discuss his confusion with me? : I'm sending him an SMS right this minute saying exactly that. (That I feel violated and concerned and confused that he didn't discuss anything with me but stalked me online instead).
I'll admit I've googled some guys before. But the LAST thing I would do is TELL them about it! Yikes! Warning sign indeed!
post #245 of 276
Thread Starter 
Googling someone's name is normal. Searching out someone.s posts on a discussion forum that they use only a nickname on, that would take hours of sleuthing to find the forum AND find the thread AND figure out which poster is me, and read ALL my posts from this month?? Psycho online stalking.
post #246 of 276
HELP.

I am so conflicted right now. Since meeting J and talking everyday I have undoubtedly made an emotional attachment. He is such a nice guy. We talk about all kinds of meaningful and meaningless stuff as well. Last night while talking he mentioned that he was planning on going away to school next fall. That threw me way off. I have never gone into a potential relationship knowing when it was going to end. We discussed it more and *if* we were to end up falling in love (more on his part) he would try hard as hell to make it work through him going away. Plus with the career he is going for he will be sent even further away from here (home). *If* there was love that he would want to bring me with him and all that stuff. I don't know what to do. Do I continue on as normal, possibly falling for this guy only to know that he will be gone, or do I go into this with a guarded heart and engaging only in friendship?? I already have made an emotional connection. I was dumbfounded by how it affected me when he told me his plans. I have never done this and have absolutely no idea what to do. He has told me that he does already really like me and it sort of bothers him that I might be holding back as far as what I will allow to develop. It almost feels like it could be self-induced torture. I do want to get to know him and develop a friendship, no doubt. I am just so confused.
post #247 of 276
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllysonB View Post
I do want to get to know him and develop a friendship, no doubt. I am just so confused.
: You can't be friends with someone you are so attracted to. Sorry. :


Doesn't mean I think you shouldn't jump into a romantic entanglement with him, but just know that for all intents and purposes, for the foreseeable future, friendship with this guy is off the table on both sides. I know you think your argument that you like him so much actually holds water for friendship, but I'm afraid that's the reason you can't just be his friend. Mutual interest/attraction at the moment is burning strong and you guys either decide to ignore his leaving town next fall, or call it quits for awhile and break contact to let things cool off. Then maybe when you have someone new on the horizon whom you are hot & heavy for, you will be really over this guy and can let him back into your life on a friendship basis. Perhaps.
post #248 of 276
Thread Starter 

Poll

hypothetically, if you were to read a note from a guy which said something like the following, what would your reaction be?

Quote:
I tend to hide my deepest feelings and vulnerabilities behind jokes and easy-going attitude. I make fun of my own quirks and weaknesses so no-one else can/has to do it.
This is my 6th day dating on-line and I haven't gone on a single date yet (have a few lined up in near future, though) and I'm very picky about who I might SERIOUSLY consider dating long term. I won't even think twice about a girl (dating-wise) unless she's hot.. no matter how wonderful her personality might be.
I have difficulties trusting women because I f&¤%d around horribly much for a long, long time. Anything that moved.. I f#"#d it. (women only, ok?)
Really liked it until I started feeling somehow empty on the inside.. And having played rock in Hollywood for 18months didn't exactly turn me into an ideal, sober 'son-in-law' -material, though having an innocent-looking face fooled even me to think that I wasn't such an asshole that I was.. and that was (is) a hard habit to break.

I'm a butt-man.. pure and simple. I don't care too much for for them tits as long as there's two of them, but a very slim, narrow-hipped woman (especially if she has slightly round buttocks) is a big visual/sexual turn-on for me. I shamelessly check every nice @$$ that goes by me on the street, whether or not I have a girlfriend, ok? (not very polite) Although I've learned to do it so that that goes virtually unnoticed.. just can't help it! My eyes just do their thing automatically and that's it..

I can't get it up if the woman is fat or clearly getting there..
One of my biggest fears is that I one day marry the sporty tight-butt-woman (with awesome personality, of course) of my dreams is then she'll start getting all flabby-assed on me and I'll start cheating on her because of that and scar her heart for good and in the process lose wife/kids/home/self-respect.

I've dumped a few girlfriends 'cause they gained a few pounds too many for my liking, not very nice, is it? I've also gone through pretty much all my friends' girl-friends and sisters (esp. younger ones), neighbours, neighbours wifes (I've moved around quite much), girl-friends room-mates.. and unfortunately for me.. later gotten (more or less) busted for having done so.. (word of mouth) and even if it's ancient history for me and them, it has left it's mark on some friendships.

So... I guess you can now understand why these past (maybe 10?) years I've been very hard trying to get some control and truly become a one-woman-man.

... I'm done with rushing things.. it's too much like fast-food then.. I want to get to know a woman better before getting any further.. Mutual trust and respect is the key!
I'm leaning more and more towards these cozy evenings at home just cuddling and enjoying the intimacy and peace of mind that comes from knowing that you won't ever have to be alone/feel lonely ever again. And that there's someone with whom you can be totally 'naked' emotionally.. no secrets... just this safe feeling that no matter what.. they'll always be there for You and never let you down. Are you sure you're ready for that kind of trust? You think you could really let down your guard for good and just totally surrender yourself to that someone special? Are you emotionally ready, free and willing to TOTALLY go with it?
I honestly have a hard time fully letting go and just loving unconditionally, but I think I'm really getting close... I'm trying my best to share my true self, my deepest thoughts and so on... I'm sure that once I find the right woman then all things will just go 'click' and everything will be right.. may sound naive.. but that's the closest explanation I can come up with.

Would you be

a) relieved that finally a guy admits with honesty the reason he's been single for most of his adult life without any sugarcoating, and admire the courage to be so straightforward, and ready to continue along a very "open dialogue" path with him, wherever that may lead (friendship, more, etc)

b) horrified at such a shameless shallow pig, and instantly ready to write him off as a womanizing jerk

c) some other reaction? explain.




: Thanks for playing!
post #249 of 276
butterfly: sounds like sex addiction to me. there must be an element of compulsion if he has let it destroy so many of his friendships. it doesn't get better by finding the right woman.
post #250 of 276
Butterfly,

My reaction is a mixture of A and B. But ugh...doesn't he know that beauty does not only have to be physical?
post #251 of 276
Butterfly - I'd write him off. He's *trying* to be a one-woman man, and he shamelessly checks out every a** that walks past? I'm not interested. I've got no problem with my boyfriend appreciating female beauty, but this guy is over the top, and it sounds like his habits are dying hard.
post #252 of 276
Butterfly, B, for sure, for me.

Allyson, it is really early. If you guys really like each other that much, I'd go for it, and let things shake out however they shake out. I'm of the belief that if 2 people are really in love, the other variables will solve themselves or be easy to solve *together*.

Make sense?

There is a bit of that with ATG -- he hasn't been in my state long, and definitely has a history of moving around a fair amount, isn't at all sure he wants to stay here. I'm not gonna worry about it. Either he'll have to move, and I'll just *want* to go with him, and so that will be fine, or I wont' be able to move, and he'll just *want* to stay with me, or....or, we'll have split up by then anyway!

I was having my angst, but got over that with an evening of IMing with ATG, where we were both pretty unabashed about saying how smitten we each are. I think he's sticking around for a while.
post #253 of 276
Thread Starter 

So,

There's no guy, all hypothetical. But aren't some of you being naive, in thinking that this behavior is so far from normal? You just don't hear single men fess up like this much.... But so many, IMO, behave and think like that without even being conscious of it. Isn't identifying the problem and clear introspection the first step on the path of change?
post #254 of 276
Quote:
One of my biggest fears is that I one day marry the sporty tight-butt-woman (with awesome personality, of course) of my dreams is then she'll start getting all flabby-assed on me and I'll start cheating on her because of that and scar her heart for good and in the process lose wife/kids/home/self-respect.

I've dumped a few girlfriends 'cause they gained a few pounds too many for my liking, not very nice, is it? I've also gone through pretty much all my friends' girl-friends and sisters (esp. younger ones), neighbours, neighbours wifes (I've moved around quite much), girl-friends room-mates.. and unfortunately for me.. later gotten (more or less) busted for having done so.. (word of mouth) and even if it's ancient history for me and them, it has left it's mark on some friendships.
This is very far from normal imo. Younger sisters? Neighbors wives? Ick. Just ick.

He's telling you, hypothetically, exactly who he is. Someone who has had a very difficult time with relationships, is quite shallow about appearances, and has trust issues. Yeah, sure, kudos for being frank about his problems but he sounds like a major fixer-upper. Those patterns he mentions don't just disappear because you have self-awareness about them.

When people lead with the obvious--mutual respect and trust--I kinda doubt them. It's like people who tell you how honest they are...in my experience, honest people don't feel the need to reassure you about how honest they are.
post #255 of 276
Details about our date!

Wow. It was very nice. He opened doors for me, sat next to me in the booth (which I love!), didn't even bring his phone out of the car wherever we went, held my hand, and tons more...
From the moment we met up we could hardly take our eyes off one another. During dinner we were sitting very close and embracing (haven't kissed at this point), it took the waitress 4 times to come back we couldn't even focus on the menu we were so into eachother! When we got to the theatre (still no kiss) as we were walking into the theatre in the dark hallway he took my hand and turned me around and I braced myself against the wall. We leaned in for the most soft, sensual, wonderful first kiss and I was in heaven. We snuggled during the movie the whole time. Afterwards (it was kind of late, too late to go anywhere else but) we didn't want to go home yet, so we talked and snuggled in the car (like highschool kids lol) for about 2 hours. We have already discussed lots of things and I feel really happy to have such a wonderful guy in my life. I don't know what's going to happen and am just enjoying the meantime (thoroughly ) I am on cloud 9 it feels like.
post #256 of 276
Thread Starter 
Sounds like it was a magical date, a magical night. wow.
post #257 of 276
its over. he broke up with me. im crushed just broken i wanna grow old and die no forever for me ever
post #258 of 276
Oh, Seie!!! I am shocked, and so so so sad for you!



smilies are so inadequate. do you have some RL people near by who can hold you up, keep you moving as you go through this.

Hug your babies close, and come back here, or to the private group for support. Chat me up on fb, anytime you need to talk.

post #259 of 276
Seie, More will be revealed. This is so sudden and extreme, my strong sense is that something is unfolding, but it may not be a final break-up. In the meantime, be really, really, really good to yourself.
post #260 of 276
Seie. I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. You are loved and supported here. Be gentle with yourself as your grieve and try to make sense of things.
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