thanks for all your words, i am broken nonetheless
i dont share the idea that if only you are happy with yourself all will be ok
i cant make a list for a man to fullfil, love doesnt work like that. love is what it is, its there or its not, if its there, the list is meaningless, if it is not, if you can make decisions with your head, i guess a list is useful. for me not so much.
i thought it was for life, i have never trusted anyone as fully, never loved anyone before like this
i cant tell you the whys, i dont even understand
he came friday, we went out for a beer, it was our one year anniversary. he was absentminded, because of his work i thought
we got home, he went to bed right away and fell asleep. half hour later i join him, just sleep.
and dream, the most horrible nightmare, he breaks up with me and we walk around eachother trying to adjust to this new reality, and i wake up and hear him breathing next to me and all is well, it was just a nightmare a horrible one. it happens many times that night, fall asleep back to the horrible place, wake up feel endless relief
then i wake up in the morning and he is gone
i find him downstairs dressed, i till him i had a nightmare that he broke up with me, how relieved i am it is just a dream, he doesnt answer
silence for a while
i ask him, suddenly filled with dread, are you, are you breaking up with me?
he pretends he doesnt hear me, or he truely doesnt - i think he has a hearing problem literally, something his father has too.
silence for a while, i sit down and say, it was a truely horrible nightmare, i really need you to tell me it was all a dream.
he cant, he cant tell me all is ok, we want different things from life he sais.
he thinks the children vs. no children is a big deal, he knows i hope for more, hoped.
now, all is dark, there is sun for me no more
if you havent tried it i cant explain it, he is my other half, to rip him away tears my apart, tears my insides up and it wont ever ever heal
seen new moon? thats me, im bella just without jacob
i have been rational about love my whole life, i have always felt there were plenty of men, i could always find another, but not this time, there is no other for me but him, he is part of me
all romantic bullshit, probably, but real for me, real nightmare no waking up this time