*~*'~* November Dating Thread *~*'~* How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? - Page 14

[Holland73]

Seie!!!

I am so very sorry!!! It hurts so much as you go through this process.

Make sure you turn to everyone you know who can support you as you go through this VERY difficult period of time. This isn't something you should go through alone. Let your friends and family help you.

Hang in there!!!

[JohnnysGirl]

So, not to compare with Seie's acute shock/grief right now, but I'm down in a slumpity slump myself with zero viable prospects, and feeling very lonely these days. I have attention, no- overtures, coming from either married or extremely-far-away-with-no-hope-of-relocating (or both) type men, coming from SEVERAL directions, one in particular that I posted a very, very lengthy soliloquoy about that 3 dozen of you have access to privately, and I wonder why single men, in this city, don't like me. :

[sugarmoon]

Seie, come back and let us know how you are doing. Even if it is awful, let us be here for you ((((((Seie)))))))

Butterfly, I don't know. I really don't. I'm feeling pretty disenchanted with men, in general, right now. Which makes no sense, as I seem to have stumbled into a good one. But....I don't know, I just can't trust it, I keep waiting for the other side of the coin, you know?

ATG is still out of town, and in a email I wrote to him, I mentioned that I might go out tonight, and would probably stop in at the bar connected to the restaurant where he works (it is the bar I always go to). He asked that I not say anything to the bartender or any of the regulars there about he and I. Now part of me (the logical part) feels like this is a perfectly reasonalbe request. I would feel odd if he were hanging out with my coworkers and clients, talking about our (very new) relationship. It should be his deal to tell his coworkers, right? But then there is a part of me that thinks, well why not? Is there something they would tell me about you, that you don't want me to know (I am casual friends with the bartender and a few of the regulars at that bar)? Or are you ashamed to be with me for some reason?

Ugh. Just hate the self-doubt and paranoia that runs through my head. Any of you ever read Anne Lammott? She calls refers to it as a radio station, KFKD.

But then, things like what just happened with Seie are what make me wonder. When do you really ever *know*??? I mean I was almost 10 years in with my xh, and he dumped me totally out of the blue. I really don't think I'll ever fully trust a man again -- I'll always be keeping plan B in mind. And maybe that's not a bad thing? I don't know.

[Kino]

My mother raised me to always have a Plan B. My father left her after 20+ years of marriage. I only had a semi-Plan B, but I'm so glad I listened!

I think finding a state of peace where you are ok with any relationship ending is a good place to be. I trust my partner, I trust the universe, and most importantly I trust myself. I know everything will always work out for the best. So if he does a complete 180 and cheats, well all I can say is goodbye.

I would text ATG and ask why. Something like, "No problem, but may I ask why?" If he asks why you want to know just repeat along the lines of what you wrote here.

It makes sense, but it's also kinda odd. I would be asking because I CAN'T stand sitting around wondering

Seie Let us know how you are doing

[Rosehip]

Sieie - I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss.

Sugarmoon - I think Kino's idea is a good one. Be up front. If he can give a reasonable answer in a straightforward manner, I'd feel a lot better than a bunch of hemming & hawing. I too get not wanting budding romances to be discussed at my workplace (especially in my absence), but would also be a bit taken aback to get the request.

Butterfly - Sorry mama. Hang in there.

Kino - I think Plan B is a good idea. My mother always taught me to be get myself into a position where I'd be able to support myself & any kids. She and my Dad have been married for 40 years, but has always believed that (and lived it).

Thanksgiving was a bit tough for me. It was nice - a smallish family gathering, but it really made me long for a partner. I'm happy with the slow pace at which things have been progressing with squash partner, but he's not a *DP* by any stretch at this point (which is fine - I don't want to throw myself into something intense super quickly). He's also away this week, so I haven't seen him, and he's not American, so it likely may not seem like a big deal holiday to him anyway. BUT, the holiday really, really made me want a partner. Someone to fall into bed with, full and exhausted, at the end of the day. Someone to escape and go for a walk with. Someone (other than my parents) with whom to discuss a huge financial decision I'm in the midst of making. Sigh. I have faith it will happen at some point, but it doesn't make the not-having it now part any easier.

[mumblemama]

I'm so sorry, Seie. Please take care of yourself, and if you ever need to chat I'm on fb... I feel like we were on similar paths for a while, my relationship happening about a month after yours, and it also ended not long ago (though I broke up w/ him). Please take care.

/me back to reading silently (mostly).

[sugarmoon]

I will ask him, but not by text. I'll wait until I see him in person, probably tomorrow evening, but definitely Monday night. I don't have childcare tonight and won't be going out, so it is a moot point, for now, anyway.

Rosehip, I hear you. There are times, like that, when the comfort of a partner, is so very missed.

[Holland73]

Well, things were going wonderfully awesome with Mr. Paralegal UNTIL he received an email from his exwife on Tuesday am.

Apparently, she has been in therapy for the past year and has learned how to express her emotions, verbally and physically... therefore, is "pleading" for a reconciliation.

He is confused and not sure if he wants to take the risks of getting back together with her, but feels bad (or guilty) if he says "no" after she has made so much progress.

The fact that he is even considering it (and is so confused) spoke leaps and bounds to me. So, I took myself out of the equation and have walked away. I just don't need the drama and I deserve someone that is COMPLETELY over their ex and TOTALLY into me, which he clearly is NOT.

It sucks, though, and I am sad about it.

Ultimately, though, we had a great time together and he showed me that there are some amazing, communicative and affectionate men out there.

And... I truly believe that I am getting nearer to the one that is mine!

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Kino

I think finding a state of peace where you are ok with any relationship ending is a good place to be.

:

See, I believe that a relationship shouldn't be your life... it should be a part of your life. A facet in the timeless, precious beauty of your own multifaceted life.

Life is always changing. The only true certainity and guarantee you have in your life is YOU.

[Seie]

thanks for all your words, i am broken nonetheless

i dont share the idea that if only you are happy with yourself all will be ok

i cant make a list for a man to fullfil, love doesnt work like that. love is what it is, its there or its not, if its there, the list is meaningless, if it is not, if you can make decisions with your head, i guess a list is useful. for me not so much.

i thought it was for life, i have never trusted anyone as fully, never loved anyone before like this

i cant tell you the whys, i dont even understand

he came friday, we went out for a beer, it was our one year anniversary. he was absentminded, because of his work i thought

we got home, he went to bed right away and fell asleep. half hour later i join him, just sleep.

and dream, the most horrible nightmare, he breaks up with me and we walk around eachother trying to adjust to this new reality, and i wake up and hear him breathing next to me and all is well, it was just a nightmare a horrible one. it happens many times that night, fall asleep back to the horrible place, wake up feel endless relief

then i wake up in the morning and he is gone

i find him downstairs dressed, i till him i had a nightmare that he broke up with me, how relieved i am it is just a dream, he doesnt answer
silence for a while
i ask him, suddenly filled with dread, are you, are you breaking up with me?
he pretends he doesnt hear me, or he truely doesnt - i think he has a hearing problem literally, something his father has too.

silence for a while, i sit down and say, it was a truely horrible nightmare, i really need you to tell me it was all a dream.
he cant, he cant tell me all is ok, we want different things from life he sais.

he thinks the children vs. no children is a big deal, he knows i hope for more, hoped.

now, all is dark, there is sun for me no more
if you havent tried it i cant explain it, he is my other half, to rip him away tears my apart, tears my insides up and it wont ever ever heal
seen new moon? thats me, im bella just without jacob

i have been rational about love my whole life, i have always felt there were plenty of men, i could always find another, but not this time, there is no other for me but him, he is part of me

all romantic bullshit, probably, but real for me, real nightmare no waking up this time

[goodygumdrops]

I'm so sorry your going through this Seie. I wish I could offer you some advice but I just don't know what to say...

Sending healing vibes your way

[Bad Mama Jama]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Question of the month: How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? :

it is a combo of things for me. if i am interested, i will actively pursue. but a lot of the time, i am a watcher. i want to see the guy's personality and if it is compatible with mine. i find a lot of the time, if i let them approach, they are more of themselves. (this can go both ways, but it is less of him pretending if that makes sense.) i've been an internet dater for a while and not much has come of it sad to report. but the dating has been okay for me i suppose. i am pretty tame, so i'm not at all in a rush.

[*MamaJen*]

Okay, so the jazz composer will be in town in -- count them -- seven days. I can't even describe how much I am dying to see that man.

[AlwaysByMySide]

Seie. How horrible.



As for me...I have a......DATE on Friday night! (Even with Moniker-less, I never had an actual DATE with him, so it's the first date I've had in YEARS.) Met him on pof, we messaged back and forth a few times, he called last night and we talked for a good three hours. I told him that I'd work on wrangling someone to watch my kids, and he even offered to pay for a babysitter. (I think I'm going to ask my dad to watch the kids, for free, though.)

I'll have to come up with a name for him after I really meet him.

My friend who was trying to set me up with the guy that I have zero interest in, told him that I'd say yes if he asked me out, and he did, via Facebook. (He doesn't have my phone number, and honestly, I'd like to keep it that way.) Actually, the way my friend put it to me, and I usually love her bluntness, but this one kind of stung, was that I should go out with him even though he's not 'my type', because 'my type' have always turned out to be scumbags. My barometer is if a guy can come to a family function or a friend function and fit right in, and my family would think I'd lost my mind if I brought this guy to Thanksgiving. SIGH. So now I have to go out with him at least once, and then figure out a way to let them all know that yes, he is a really nice guy, but just because he's nice and I'm nice, and he finds me attractive doesn't mean the feeling is mutual.

[sugarmoon]

I started the December thread....come on over!

[kimking]

so I was searching for rings and I like these.  Are they still available?