*~*'~* November Dating Thread *~*'~* How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? - Page 3

[Rosehip]

Hi all - welcome Brick & Pixie!! Pixie -if it's feeling "too much," see if you can put the brakes on a bit and see if that feels more comfy!

Butterfly - I think the text was totally fine, but now the ball is definitely in his court! Here's hoping (I wish there were a crossed fingers smilie)!

Muse I'm not feeling it from CG. I think if he were really serious about meeting in person, there would be plans in place. Haven't you made several suggestions, and even offered to go there? I may be mistaken. I'm sorry - this situation must be SO frustrating!

As for me - I spent Sun afternoon with my squash partner - a walk in a park & coffee. It was very nice and I'm enjoying getting to know him! He's heading out of the country so I won't see him until next week anyway, but we've been emailing back & forth a bit. He's foreign, and his family is in home country, so he goes back frequently.

I'm having a bit of a pity/frustration party about the logistics of dating. I live with my parents, and my X does not keep to any regular visitation schedule with the kids. I hate having to ask my parents to watch the kids, or to wait until one of X's last minute plans to visit (yes, I could say he could only see the kids during our custody arrangement visitation schedule, but it wouldn't make him any more reliable - he would just bail) to have time that I can date or have adult socialization. It would be really, really nice to be able to know I had regular time when X is responsible for the kids. The living with my parents obviously has its own set of issues for dating. Thus far we've been meeting places...eventually though, it would be nice if he (or another guy) could pick me up. Then what? Does he have to meet my parents?? What a nightmare - I would REALLY love to have some privacy for my private life! Or do I just answer the door & run out before parents & date interact?? Feeling like I'm 15 is just not that fun right now. Does anyone else deal w/these types of issues?

[muse]

Originally Posted by Rosehip

Muse I'm not feeling it from CG. I think if he were really serious about meeting in person, there would be plans in place. Haven't you made several suggestions, and even offered to go there? I may be mistaken. I'm sorry - this situation must be SO frustrating!

yep i offered to go there & yep it is frustrating...and every time i say, i'm letting this one go...and then we talk and it's like i'm talking to my best friend in the world and it's so easy and wonderful and magical, and i think, i waited 38 yrs to find this person, i can wait another few weeks...

i told him i could talk tonight so we'll see if he calls or not. he usually calls around 9pm my time, 11pm his time. if i don't hear from him by then i'm going to bed and forgetting it all. (yeah, right..)

*must NOT* call him, *must NOT* call him.....

oh p.s. the missing piece here is that he wanted to wait until after his big event last week before talking about plans to meet. tonight would be our first chance to talk since then.


btw, rosehip, your situation sounds very tough. how frustrating for you! but i'm glad you and your man got to hang out again.

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Rosehip

As for me - I spent Sun afternoon with my squash partner - a walk in a park & coffee. It was very nice and I'm enjoying getting to know him!

Squash Guy sounds great.

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by muse

*must NOT* call him, *must NOT* call him.....

: because whatever is causing him to keep one foot on the brakes will not evaporate if you apply more pressure. avoid alchohol since that makes you reach for the phone.....

[muse]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

: because whatever is causing him to keep one foot on the brakes will not evaporate if you apply more pressure. avoid alchohol since that makes you reach for the phone.....

yes yes yes. such wisdom butterflymom!

well, he DID call. we were on the phone for 4 HOURS, till 3am his time. we talked together, laughed together, cried together, sang together.....OHHHHHHH. no words can explain this. this is so much more than i ever could have expected or asked for. he said at one point "i miss you"..and i feel it too. it's the oddest feeling to miss someone you've never met...

everyone seen Sleepless in Seattle?

i understand much more now why he backed off after talking with him about it, and now he's fully *back*. he is talking about coming in december, us going camping together with our 2 tents and being alone together in the world under the stars...

[Holland73]

Well... it looks like I am back in the dating pool.

My 18+ month relationship ended just recently. It was an amazing experience with a wonderful man and provided me with some unparalleled opportunities for major personal growth. I am forever grateful to him and will always cherish the time we did have together. Additionally, he is not completely out of my life, just not in a romantic life-time partner role.

As for my dating 'goals,' I am absolutely not looking for another relationship. I just want to go out, meet new people and have some fun.

Plus, I am getting ready to hit the international school teaching circuit, which would put me out the country by next summer, and I do not want anything (such as a long-term relationship) to get in the way of that dream. Five straight years in the US have been very suffocating for me... it is time to go!

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by Holland73

Well... it looks like I am back in the dating pool.

My 18+ month relationship ended just recently. It was an amazing experience with a wonderful man and provided me with some unparalleled opportunities for major personal growth. I am forever grateful to him and will always cherish the time we did have together. Additionally, he is not completely out of my life, just not in a romantic life-time partner role.

As for my dating 'goals,' I am absolutely not looking for another relationship. I just want to go out, meet new people and have some fun.

Plus, I am getting ready to hit the international school teaching circuit, which would put me out the country by next summer, and I do not want anything (such as a long-term relationship) to get in the way of that dream. Five straight years in the US have been very suffocating for me... it is time to go!

I am sorry to hear of your breakup! I did love when you shared from your relationship however it sounds like you are in good spirits all the same.

I did not know you were considering doing international school teaching as a solo mama, what about your other career desire? Either path sound like quite an adventure

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

I did not know you were considering doing international school teaching as a solo mama, what about your other career desire? Either path sound like quite an adventure

My other career desire is still there too... if not now, definitely later.

I miss living overseas and one of the best ways, as an American, to be able to live -- legally -- overseas is via international school teaching. Teaching overseas if VERY different than teaching here, which is a huge bonus. It would also help to pay off some debts, save some good money (perhaps enough to pay for the other career desire ) and allow me and ds the opportunity to live overseas for a couple of years.

I don't know... we'll see!!! That is the joy of life -- full of opportunities and potential! One door closes and many others open!

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by muse

i understand much more now why he backed off after talking with him about it, and now he's fully *back*.

: ....and? :

Holland, wow, I'm surprised. We just heard from you two weeks ago and it was obvious you were still partnered, and I remember from 3+ months ago saying that things couldn't be going better with you and your DP after he moved in with you and your son, etc.... it just sounded like you were more than blissfully happy, content, relaxed.... and marriage was even on the table for discussion at least... I admit I'd like to know what happened as I find romantic relationships and the details of how two people find each other and put a relationship together from thin air, and also how they break down and dissolve back into nothing (when no kids are involved of course, otherwise a lifetime connection will always exist) extremely fascinating. But if you don't care to share more about your recent breakup, that's more than understandable and I won't hound or annoy you with my curiosity anymore.

[sbphotogr]

Hey there ladies. I’ve become a less than often poster. It’s hard for me to keep up, but I hope you don’t mind my chiming in.

Rosehip: I haven’t dealt with that exact situation, but I know living with parents when you have a family of your own is so very hard. When my DD was smaller we lived with my parents for about a year. On the one hand I wanted my freedom and adult life, but on the other I was grateful for the board and needed the help. It’s difficult. Maybe you can just day your “friend” is coming to pick you up. They’ll catch on and it may make the direct conversation a little less uncomfortable.

Holland73: Wow, you have such a positive attitude! You are going to have a lot of fun meeting people with that perspective. Plus you now have a friend who knows you well, and awesome goals. International teaching sounds exciting!

On my end….been having an ummm, “nighttime friend” lately. Not much more.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

: ....and? :

Holland, wow, I'm surprised. We just heard from you two weeks ago and it was obvious you were still partnered, and I remember from 3+ months ago saying that things couldn't be going better with you and your DP after he moved in with you and your son, etc.... it just sounded like you were more than blissfully happy, content, relaxed.... and marriage was even on the table for discussion at least... I admit I'd like to know what happened as I find romantic relationships and the details of how two people find each other and put a relationship together from thin air, and also how they break down and dissolve back into nothing (when no kids are involved of course, otherwise a lifetime connection will always exist) extremely fascinating. But if you don't care to share more about your recent breakup, that's more than understandable and I won't hound or annoy you with my curiosity anymore.

Honestly, he is just in a really bad, unhappy personal space for various reasons, although it is predominantly career-related.

Our relationship definitely didn't get put together in thin air, nor has it dissolved into nothing. It has just changed.

There are absolutely no guarantees in life, so who's to say that once he gets himself into a better space that the relationship won't evolve again. I don't know. I try very, very hard to stay in the present moment and not fret about something I cannot control... the future.

And, at this present moment, he needs to work on finding his own happiness and that is something he needs to do on his own. "If you love someone, set them free"

[Seie]

Holland I am sorry to hear your relationship ended. It always sounded like a really tight relationship so I am surprised. Good that you are hopeful for the future. Good luck with your carreer plans

Roseship: I don't know how your relationship is with your parents - or what they think of the whole dating thing. But you are a grown up. You don't have to hide or sneak around if you want to date. You also don't have to introduce anyone to your parents till you are ready. Whether that means meeting him outside if he comes to pick you up (he can wait in the car and you can go out and meet him) or if it just means that he picks you up, your parents knowing you are only just getting to know eachother. You are not obligated to tell your parents what you do when you go out. If you act like an adult about it then they will likely treat you as one too.
If you are going on a date and they ask- just tell them you are going on a date. Tell on a need-to-know basis -honest but with no details you don't want to share. If they are overstepping boundaries (as in being judgemental or too curious or whatever) simply tell them you wont discuss details? Whether that would work depends on your parents obviously.. I hope you can work it out. Squash guy sounds good

[JustAnotherBrick]

So I am back again!

Butterflymom- THANK you for remembering me how do I share things privately???

Pixie – I am the exact same way. I can be such a commit-phobic! But he does seem like he’s moving way too fast. My advice – as is my advice for EVERYTHING else—is to just be honest! Both with yourself and him.

Sugarmoon- I know! My mini-crushes seem to be on men that I cannot have. I wonder if it is a defensive mechanism that I have in place to protect myself from actually liking someone?!

Rosehip- I live with my mother too and she is my primary sitter. That definitely makes it awkward to date. One guy who was interested in me a while ago asked if he could stop by after DS went to bed. Uhhh… NO? Luckily, my mother is very understanding and she actually wants me to date… more than I do, probably. But it’s still difficult. I have a great circle of girlfriends that I see every now and then to stay sane. I find myself preferring to “use” the babysitting favor for these nights over a date with a person I barely know.

[JustAnotherBrick]

question for you wise gals

i have a question:

do you think it is possible for two people, who may be genuinely attracted to each other, to remain solely friends?

there is this man who i immediately hit it off with. we really enjoy discussing things from literature to history to children... it is mostly just witty banter. he is in a long-term relationship with children and i really am not interested in getting into THAT. but i really enjoy his company and it is clear that we have chemistry. we both know it but he has never made a move... never even remotely suggested anything like it.

i still feel guilty about this friendship. i know his girlfriend and get along with her. i don't even know what there is to feel guilty about?! the fact that i actually do like him?

he has suggested that we go out for lunch just to chat and catch up. he has asked me to join him to social events (with other people.) i have been kinda avoiding that. we usually see each other at our kids' school.

am i being overly cautious here? or is it possible for us to be friends and nothing more? maybe i don't trust men.

[Seie]

I used to be all into men I couldnt get. I have thought a lot about why, and what it meant for the decisions I made about choice of partner/father for my kids.
For the getting into men I couldnt get thing I have come to some conclusions. I used to think that I really wasn't all that wonderful or interesting -and I figure if a man is into me, he can't really be all that interesting or special himself. I subconsciously concluded that the really special and interesting men would be out of my league - and thus a much better catch - if that makes sense. Luckily I have matured a lot and I dont feel that way anymore. Right now I am more like - if a man is interested in me, it's because he has good taste, and that counts in his favor : At this point actually - if a man thinks I am too big a mouthful - he probably wasn't all that interesting to begin with.. It takes a strong man with charecter to handle my kind of woman hehe! I have been blessed/cursed with reasonably good looks and actually it hasn't done me much good. A LOT of men have been interested in me for the wrong reasons and then when they found out I was actually equipped with a good brain, a strong opinion of my own and a somewhat masculine personality, have fled the premises : I find that having three kids had actually helped filther those superficial types away

[Holland73]

It's hard dating when you are not *searching* for a long-term relationship. That doesn't mean that I am not open to it, but I am just not searching for it.

Seriously, whoever it is that gets me to commit again is going to have to be pretty drop-dead amazing and I don't know if he is ready to show himself to me yet, as I am truly not ready for him and don't even know if I would recognize him... yet. Does that make sense?

But, I also don't want to lead other men along, so I feel like I am walking a sticky tightrope... being honest about where I am in this process, yet not dismissive. Hmmm, it is interesting.

I am chatting with one man. I dismissed two... one of which was borderline crazy obsessive. This one man, Mr. Paralegal, is a senior paralegal, specializing in civil litigation, 40 years old, divorced (no children -- hallelujah, as I don't want to date a single dad), physically fit/active and very close with his family (a brother, sister, some nieces, a nephew and mom). He has also traveled fairly extensively, which is awesome. He appears attractive in his pictures, but I imagine he might be more attractive in person.

We are really not going to be able to meet for a few weeks though, as I have friends coming to visit from out of town this weekend, he is going on a motorcycle trip to Vegas with his brother and friend the following weekend and I leave for OR the following week for Turkey Day vacation with my family (gone the entire week). And, during the week it is just too hard.

So... we'll see what happens. But, he is all I have on my plate right now.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by JustAnotherBrick

i have a question:

do you think it is possible for two people, who may be genuinely attracted to each other, to remain solely friends?

there is this man who i immediately hit it off with. we really enjoy discussing things from literature to history to children... it is mostly just witty banter. he is in a long-term relationship with children and i really am not interested in getting into THAT. but i really enjoy his company and it is clear that we have chemistry. we both know it but he has never made a move... never even remotely suggested anything like it.

i still feel guilty about this friendship. i know his girlfriend and get along with her. i don't even know what there is to feel guilty about?! the fact that i actually do like him?

he has suggested that we go out for lunch just to chat and catch up. he has asked me to join him to social events (with other people.) i have been kinda avoiding that. we usually see each other at our kids' school.

am i being overly cautious here? or is it possible for us to be friends and nothing more? maybe i don't trust men.

Personally, for me... I would not even come close opening this bag of worms, in fact, I would probably avoid it like the plague. I don't like drama and this situation is reeked with potential drama.

Additionally, based on my own experiences, I don't believe it is possible to "just be friends" when you are attracted to each other.

Proceed with caution.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Seie

Holland I am sorry to hear your relationship ended. It always sounded like a really tight relationship so I am surprised. Good that you are hopeful for the future. Good luck with your carreer plans

It was a 'tight' relationship, although I am not 100% sure what that means . But, life is full of changes and some of those changes result in people going in different directions... sometimes those directions are temporary, sometimes permanently, who knows.

Again, there are just no guarantees in life.

[Rosehip]

JustAnotherBrick - I would say that you need to stay far, far away. Personally, I feel a responsibility to avoid temptation if possible. The attraction is likely to increase, not diminish, and while it's fun for now, at least one person, if not several, are likely to be very hurt. And it could just be you - being sad and frustrated at not being able to have the relationship you want as you become more and more emotionally intimate and connected in a friendship sort of way. Also,thanks for the sharing about your living situation. It's really not so, so bad, and I'm lucky to have the childcare help, it just has it's less than thrilling moments!

Holland - I think you just have to be up front about what you're looking, or not looking for. It can be hard if you're looking for something in between one night stands and marriage! But I'm sure it's do-able.

Seie - Thanks for your reply! It really isn't too, too bad, and my parents don't pry too terribly. I guess it's just new & I'm trying to find a balance. For instance - if someone were picking me up, I would, generally speaking, expect/want him to come to the door. But, it's also potentially awkward y since I'm not going to tell my parents to clear out of their own living room, but I don't really want to be making family introductions at this point. Thus far, it's worked out ok. It just makes me crave my own space, I suppose. It doesn't help that my parents' house is on the market, so we're in constant "get ready for showings/make it look like no one lives here" mode.

[DogwoodFairy]

Originally Posted by JustAnotherBrick

So I am back again!

Pixie – I am the exact same way. I can be such a commit-phobic! But he does seem like he’s moving way too fast. My advice – as is my advice for EVERYTHING else—is to just be honest! Both with yourself and him.


Rosehip- I live with my mother too and she is my primary sitter. That definitely makes it awkward to date. One guy who was interested in me a while ago asked if he could stop by after DS went to bed. Uhhh… NO? Luckily, my mother is very understanding and she actually wants me to date… more than I do, probably. But it’s still difficult. I have a great circle of girlfriends that I see every now and then to stay sane. I find myself preferring to “use” the babysitting favor for these nights over a date with a person I barely know.

Hi JustAnotherBrick - I agree on the honesty front, but those conversations really make me nervous. I dont, after all, want anyone's feelings hurt (including mine ), but how to be honest without scaring him away completely? I want him in my life, but on my terms - at least thats how it feels, and I dont think thats fair to him. I have mentioned that things are moving a tad fast, and speaking of moving fast, he has suggested an overnight trip, with ds. I mean, WOAH, buddy! The depth of my interest in him is apparent by the fact that I am considering it...against my instinct to say "Oh, He** no!" We also need to have the S-E-X conversation, because while I am very attracted and would enjoy some intimacy, I am nervous, and need time to feel comfortable with my post-baby body. No one but Ex has seen my post baby body. So thats a hurdle for me. All these conversations are very hard for me to initiate. I am shy discussing this stuff. But a discussion will be happening, probably today.

And on the living with your mom subject - yes, me too. Lol on the part I bolded, my mother sounds the same. I expressed some reservations about this guy and she was NOT willing to hear them...Oh, no, he's cute, successful, and a sweetheart. She SO wants him to be the "perfect" guy. It does make dating difficult to have Mom in the same living space. Though I am thankful my mom has been here to not only babysit, but to bounce ideas off from, and offer input. Dating is just so new to me...its always good to have other points of view

Also about your platonic question - I also would stay away. Sounds like a potential mess, which is probably not what you need right now.