*~*'~* November Dating Thread *~*'~* How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? - Page 4

[Labbemama]

I asked a male friend to the movies but the timing was bad. His two best friends had just died so he declined. Our kids are trying to push us together.

It really is too early to date but he does understand what I'm looking for right now which is just a friend to go to a movie with and some time with another adult.

It was really nice when I asked him my text if he like that genre of movies and he said yes.

I ended up taking my daughter and her friend with some passes that I had on Halloween.

[JohnnysGirl]

I am wondering if Shy Lawyer, who returns in about 12-18 hours from his travels.... will contact me for our talked about date...... Hmmmm.........

So then yesterday I had a date off an internet dating site, and he was 4 years younger but lovely. I just have a feeling that he won't be in touch with me anymore. And I don't mind. It was many hours of fun together but I don't miss him now that he's gone. Not anxious to see him again. Don't know why I feel that way........ :

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Holland73

I try very, very hard to stay in the present moment and not fret about something I cannot control... the future.

That's so true. Thanks for answering my questions. I hope you are feeling, most of the time, as positive about the change in relationship status as your posts sound.

Originally Posted by Holland73

This one man, Mr. Paralegal, is a senior paralegal, specializing in civil litigation, 40 years old, divorced (no children -- hallelujah, as I don't want to date a single dad), physically fit/active and very close with his family (a brother, sister, some nieces, a nephew and mom).

This all sounds great. I'm glad to hear you say you don't want to date a single dad. Neither do I!!! My life is complicated enough without another woman and her children being entertwined into my life.

Originally Posted by Labbemama

It really is too early to date but he does understand what I'm looking for right now which is just a friend to go to a movie with and some time with another adult.

Sounds like you have a sweet, budding friendship at least. I hope when his grief evolves into something less acute you two can spend more time together. He'll need all the friends he can get, and it sounds like you need some adult friends/time, like with this man, too. Good luck.

Originally Posted by JustAnotherBrick

do you think it is possible for two people, who may be genuinely attracted to each other, to remain solely friends?

No. : That's what the term 'emotional affair' is all about. Having feelings even though you didn't act on it. Just as painful all around, as if genitals had been involved.

[sbphotogr]

Justanotherbrick: From my experience and those I’ve watched, there doesn’t seem to be a “just friends” option when attraction is real. Usually someone ends up with hurt feelings.
Holland73: I think I know what you mean about not knowing if you would recognize him. I feel like there are some areas that I really want to improve on in myself. I won’t know the best companion for the person I am going to become until I get there.
Butterflymom: At least you had a nice time with your younger man. The lack of interest will just get you more excited when someone you are interested in comes along.
Labbemama: Good for you for asking him out… Even if he couldn’t go because of circumstances.

[sbphotogr]

I haven't had the best luck and it's beginning to get discouraging.
Lately I have been seeing someone who is a friend of a friend. Mostly just a night time thing, and I wasn't expecting much more. He's cute, and conversation flows. A few nights ago he came by and we managed to argue for two hours about religion. I cannot stand to argue, and kept trying to explain that I would just appreciate if he accepts that I am valid in having my views without insisting that everything I said was wrong. He stormed out and I followed him to resolve things. It was ridiculous. I avoid drama like the plague, and I began to see that this guy had bad news written all over him. So he asks to come by a few days later, and I said sure thinking that religion may have just been the wrong route and I can give him another shot. He texts me a few hours later and cancels with some excuse. I texted back and said he probably shouldn't come by again. This set him off and he sent all these messages cussing me out and insulting me. OMG!!!!!!! How did this happen? I was in a very abusive marriage for five years, and do not know how I found another mean man? I have not had a bf since my divorce, and this guy was probably the one I've spent the most time with since my ex. The whole thing has left me pretty upset and depressed. All I want is some affection and respect. I don't know what I did to allow some one like this in my life. I won't see him again, but I can't figure out how I got in this situation. I don't understand with such little expectation I mange such experiences.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by sbphotogr

He stormed out and I followed him to resolve things. It was ridiculous. I avoid drama like the plague, and I began to see that this guy had bad news written all over him. So he asks to come by a few days later, and I said sure thinking that religion may have just been the wrong route and I can give him another shot. He texts me a few hours later and cancels with some excuse. I texted back and said he probably shouldn't come by again. This set him off and he sent all these messages cussing me out and insulting me. OMG!!!!!!! How did this happen? I was in a very abusive marriage for five years, and do not know how I found another mean man? I have not had a bf since my divorce, and this guy was probably the one I've spent the most time with since my ex. The whole thing has left me pretty upset and depressed. All I want is some affection and respect. I don't know what I did to allow some one like this in my life. I won't see him again, but I can't figure out how I got in this situation. I don't understand with such little expectation I mange such experiences.

Aww sweetie. I think you did great. You articulated your needs--that you didn't want to argue and then when he bailed on you, you made a decision, and set boundaries. Be proud that this didn't last long!! You saw his real colors pretty darn quick.

I'm so sorry that he was verbally insulting. I had that happen with the last guy I dated. When you've had rough experiences before it can really make you question yourself. But you did GREAT. You paid attention to your inner voice expressing some red flags about him and you were right.

[Holland73]

Spoke with Mr. Paralegal last night for the first time for about an hour. It was nice and we appeared to have a lot in common.

Anyway, we are going to attempt to go out on Wednesday for breakfast. It's Veteran's Day, so I don't have school and he is going to just try to take the day off.

I had crazy emotional dreams last night though, so I am feeling a bit unsettled and feel like I need to explore some of those feelings. Granted, it could also be from S's (x-bf) coming over last night to pick up some stuff and visit. Whatever it was from... I need to sort through it.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

Aww sweetie. I think you did great. You articulated your needs--that you didn't want to argue and then when he bailed on you, you made a decision, and set boundaries. Be proud that this didn't last long!! You saw his real colors pretty darn quick.

I'm so sorry that he was verbally insulting. I had that happen with the last guy I dated. When you've had rough experiences before it can really make you question yourself. But you did GREAT. You paid attention to your inner voice expressing some red flags about him and you were right.

Sbphotgr: The bolded parts just show how much you have learned from your marriage and how you will not repeat such a relationship again!

Be proud of yourself... don't beat yourself up.

[MissLotus]

Hey all. I think I posted on this thread once, another month, but I haven't dated so there's been nothing to say!

To re-cap my situation, I've been divorced 2.5 years. Last year I dated someone for 9 or 10 months - an old boyfriend who found me on Facebook. It was a long-distance thing, and let's just say he was less than sincere...a whole story there!

Anyhow, after we broke up earlier this year, I put a profile up on an online dating site, just to stay in the game. And I actually went on a date with someone. Never having online dated, I was surprised that he wasn't hideous or scary or overly creepy. But, it was way too soon to date for me and it just wasn't exciting. So that was it for online dating, pretty much. And I went on a date with someone ELSE who found me on Facebook, a guy I'd known in high school. Again, not bad, but he's very vague and I got the sense he actually has a girlfriend anyway. So, ehhh. Doesn't do anything for me. So I felt flat about dating. And my town, while in commutable distance to a big huge city, is super-small. The men here are married or elderly or gay. Plus I'm with my son most of the time, so I'm not exactly "out there" much.

SO, yesterday I joined an online site again... but a small one that a friend told me about that I'd never heard of! For vegetarians, theoretically. It's not THAT important to me that I date a fellow vegetarian, but I didn't like being on a major site like Match.com... I felt like anybody could go and look at me and my profile. I felt exposed! That's just me. But anyway, I'll do this smaller site for a bit and see if anything interesting happens.

!

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Holland73

Be proud of yourself... don't beat yourself up.

: Me three. ITA with the others. You rocked this one. Knocked it out of the park. Go you.


Young guy wants to see me this week, any night I want. I decided tomorrow.

I met a guy yesterday that is 12-13 years older, a single dad of 3 (his 15 year old son lives with him, the 9 and 16 year old daughters live with his ex-wife-of-18-years-whom-he-split-with-3-years-ago). Totally my type, sweet, multiple graduate degrees, and is seemingly crazy about me and wants to see me again as soon as possible. I'm pretty interested in him too.

But a second date with the young guy isn't inappropriate despite that I've just hit it off with older guy, this early on in things with older guy.... right?

[Hollycrand]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

But a second date with the young guy isn't inappropriate despite that I've just hit it off with older guy, this early on in things with older guy.... right?

Go out with young guy and have a good time! NO, it's not inappropriate.

[Momtwice]

Originally Posted by sbphotogr

He stormed out and I followed him to resolve things. It was ridiculous. I avoid drama like the plague, and I began to see that this guy had bad news written all over him.

It's almost like he was testing you or something. The first time he was rude, he stormed out, and you followed, to resolve things. Which I understand.

So the next time he disagreed with you, he escalated things. He pushed your boundaries to see how much drama you would put up with:

So he asks to come by a few days later, and I said sure thinking that religion may have just been the wrong route and I can give him another shot. He texts me a few hours later and cancels with some excuse. I texted back and said he probably shouldn't come by again. This set him off and he sent all these messages cussing me out and insulting me. OMG!!!!!!! How did this happen? I was in a very abusive marriage for five years, and do not know how I found another mean man?

Sometimes we women worry that we are a Bad Man magnet. But I think you did GREAT. I think this guy is a MASTER manipulator and he was testing you at every turn. Will she put up with me telling her she's wrong? Storming out? Cancelling at the last minute? If I swear at her will she start saying oh baby, I'm sorry, it was all my fault? Just how much crap will she take? How easily can she be controlled?

But you didn't fall into line! You didn't accept this guy's abuse. I think your setting limits proves how WELL you are. Brava!

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by Momtwice

But you didn't fall into line! You didn't accept this guy's abuse. I think your setting limits proves how WELL you are. Brava!

Yes exactly. I think it's not so much who you're initially attracted to, it's a matter of whether you get out -- or further in-- when inappropriate stuff starts happening.

[DaughterOfKali]

I haven't dated in sooo long.

Now that I'm considering dating, I'm obese and have 'lost' myself. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's true. Before having a child, I had such passion for life. I was interesting, full of life, etc. Now, not so much.

Can't go to a health club to take care of that end. Wish I could because that seems to be the only way I get motivated to exercise, etc.

I think I want to focus on rediscovering myself. I mean, if I don't find myself interesting/a catch, why would anyone else?

Anyway, I figure if I join this thread, it will help to motivate me.

Confession over.

[sugarmoon]

DaughterofKali, wow! Welcome! Hang out with us, do what you need to do to start loving yourself, and take baby steps!

sbphotogr, I agree with everyone else, you completely rocked that situation. Some men are just ***holes, nothing to do with you.

I have been corresponding with someone who has got my interest piqued, I have to admit. I am hesitant to say anything more, because.. well, because I just don't want to put too much on this, until I see what happens. But he makes me smile. We'll see.

Butterfly, I don't think it is innappropriate to go out with the young guy, BUT it could also send a message to the older guy that you aren't that serious, that you're just looking for a good time. When are you likely to see the older guy again? How interested are you in the young guy, and how available is he? I might wait a week or two on the young guy, to see what happens with the older guy -- put yourself on the other side of the equation -- if you got wind that he went out clubbing with some sweet young thing, then called you a few days later, would you feel like he was serious about you?

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

But a second date with the young guy isn't inappropriate despite that I've just hit it off with older guy, this early on in things with older guy.... right?

No, it is not inappropriate at all! Not until you have both had the discussion about being exclusive or not.

Besides, you don't know if the older guy is seeing/chatting to other women either... or if he even wants to pursue something more serious with anyone.

Sounds as though he just wants to spend more time with you to get to know you better... which is necessary to determine if you would want something more serious. Ykwim?

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

I might wait a week or two on the young guy, to see what happens with the older guy -- put yourself on the other side of the equation -- if you got wind that he went out clubbing with some sweet young thing, then called you a few days later, would you feel like he was serious about you?

And, see... I would be the opposite.

I would wonder why somebody I JUST met and who I hardly know (albeit am interested and excited to get to know them better)... is sitting around waiting for me to ask them out and is quick to get serious with me, without even truly knowing me.

That would be too much pressure way TOO early. Plus, he/she doesn't even know me. How can they be so sure they want to get serious with me?

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Holland73

And, see... I would be the opposite.

I would wonder why somebody I JUST met and who I hardly know (albeit am interested and excited to get to know them better)... is sitting around waiting for me to ask them out and is quick to get serious with me, without even truly knowing me.

That would be too much pressure way TOO early. Plus, he/she doesn't even know me. How can they be so sure they want to get serious with me?

Yeah I see your point, as well as your first point, and I see sugarmoon's point too. I think what sugarmoon is trying to say is not that I should sign on the dotted line to 'going steady' after one date at all, or even discuss it yet at this point with him (exclusivity, that is). But that if somehow he found out that I was out on the town with a guy young enough to be his son, two days after our date, he might get weird feelings about the whole thing. Wonder if he's really in the right demographic to be dating me, wonder about whether I'm as interested in getting to know him better as he is in knowing me better. Or mostly just if I had the same spark and excitement from date #1 as he did because I get the strong feeling that after our 8+ hours together (yes we are both night owls and kept talking all night, pretty much) he is pretty blown away by me and isn't going to be pursuing other women between now and when we see each other again. He works a lot and is a single dad, after all, not a bachelor with nothing to do but party every week. Our schedule is at odds this week, however, and it might not be until sunday or monday until we see each other again (an entire week off! eek, I don't like to let things cool off for so many days in between dates if things are going well. 3-5 days is better).

I guess what I'll do is make sure to be clear on my interest to him. I just got an SMS right this minute from him saying that he rearranged his schedule to be free on Sunday evening for me, and I told him that it was great but in the meantime, in two night's time (when he's free) I'll just be out with girlfriends (I'm throwing a clothes swap party at my place and we'll go out dancing after) and if he wanted to show up there to fend off the drunk men from my personal space and see that I get home safely, that would be a nice surprise. So maybe he'll do that and I'll get to see him again before 6 days post date #1.

Can I just say that the advantage to dating a man born in the 60s vs. a man born in the 80s is the serious difference in gentleman-ly-ness? Alright you texas girls are gonna be all into this but he went to a military academy for undergraduate school and he always needs to walk on the left side of me, and he always opens the door for me and then also pulls out the seat belt and offers it to me, pulls out the chair, stands up when I stand up from the table, and these things come so naturally to him. He also has an engineering degree and a business degree. He's so into kids, only dates single mothers because they are more mature and understand where he's coming from on the parenting front. He was with his kids' mom for 18 years and admitted that once when she had a new baby and a blocked duct and the pump wasn't working to get anything out of her breast and the baby wasn't into an 'empty' boob, he siphened it with his own mouth to get things moving again. Admitted he didn't actually swallow the milk, spit it out, but still, he said he never once had any problems with being hands-on into the more biological side of his wife's body, without it giving him any hang-ups in their sex life or anything. I discussed adventures in tandem nursing with him (not the book, my actual, personal adventures) and he loved listening.

let's see. :

To be fair to young guy from last friday/tomorrow, he behaved very sweetly too. And he's just as tall and handsome and kind as older guy. I really gotta give these guys better nicknames than younger guy and older guy.

I'll go out with the Swimming Swede (young guy) tomorrow, and really, the chance of running into Chivalrous Hunter (he loves to hunt small game... I can't stand the idea of someone who keeps a gun in his house and he does NOT ....but he is a military man, Sagesgirl, so send your swoon vibes to me so I can try to muster up some enthusiasm about that) is miniscule anyways. and no one he knows knows who I am yet, so.... the grapevine surely won't work against me tomorrow. and then later in the week/next week I'll see Chivalrous Hunter again and see if the spark happens again.

DaughterofKali, if weight is your issue, you don't need to join a gym to start seeing it melt off ---looking at what you eat is by far the main thing in terms of excess pounds and their stickiness. However, there are men out there (and women) who love larger women so perhaps it's only a problem in your mind and just stand tall and love yourself and you'll have no issue attracting people.

[JustAnotherBrick]

Seie: love, love, love what you said “Right now I am more like - if a man is interested in me, it's because he has good taste, and that counts in his favor”… so true ☺

Sbphotogr: Good thing you found out NOW what he’s like rather than let yourself get even more emotionally involved. I love to argue and debate with people about anything under the sun, but he sounds very disrespectful! Obviously not worth your time.

MissLotus: a dating site for vegetarians? Now that sounds interesting—I should look into that ☺

Butterflymom: I love how carefree and open you are when it comes to dating! It really is inspiring me to be more open-minded about meeting new people and seeing where it leads.

[JustAnotherBrick]

I want to thank you all for the major reality check! I would never want to get into any kind of drama or cause hurt feelings (including my own!) I told the guy that I’d prefer to just chat with him at school events or such. I guess I can’t help but think HEY why can’t people be friends but that’s really just setting myself up for failure.

Last Saturday, I went to a college football game with a guy I’ve known for a while now. He’s really nice and sweet – and I’m VERY much into football. No sparks there at all. He’s clearly very interested but I’m just not feeling it. I told him that he’s a good person to go to sporting events with. I think he got the hint but he still wrote me the next day to say how much he enjoyed himself, etc.

I was supposed to webcam with the Danish guy today but he wrote me saying that he had to cancel – and said he hoped we could postpone our “chat” until tomorrow or Thursday. We’ll see how it goes. I’m excited about THAT one!