non-christian santa issues

[doubledutch]

oh brother. ds is four years old, in preschool and hearing allllllll about santa. we had decided before he was born that we would tell him the truth (or our best guess) about "santa" which is that a person called saint nicholas / santa claus lived a long time ago. people believed he helped children, so they like to pretend he brings gifts to children once a year. since we want to respect others' beliefs, we don't tell other people, especially other kids, that santa isn't real.

that doesn't work anymore. last year, it was great. people asked ds1 what santa brought and he'd say, "nothing, but i got abc for my birthday!" or "nothing, but grandma gave me xyz." i loved it. this year, he's already drilling me with santa questions, and when i started explaining again about the actual person who "lived a long time ago" ds says, "so he DIED?!" and was not happy that i would suggest such a thing. sheesh. i said his body died, but our spirits never die. he was okay with that, but says things like, "actually, mom, i heard that santa is not dead."

anyway, here's my dilemma. i've been telling him, "you don't tell people santa isn't real because it's disrespectful." so how can i tell him santa isn't real? talk about a double standard!

i'm reading this and thinking it sounds like a joke, but i'm serious! i need advice. i just hope we only have to deal with santa this year and not, you know, jesus. (he already insists on occasionally praying to jesus. )

thanks mamas!

[Thalia the Muse]

I guess you can play it two ways -- one is to say "What do you believe" or "What do you think? Does what you hear about Santa make sense to you?" and let him go where he wants with that, realizing that it won't last long anyway because kids grow out of Santa quite young. Respecting his choice on the Santa thing, basically. If you don't have strong beliefs AGAINST Santa (another religious tradition -- Jewish or pagan or whatever), this might be the easiest.

The other is to say "This is what we believe in our family. There isn't any Santa and Jesus was (whatever you feel to be the truth -- a wise man who wasn't God, or a false prophet, or whatever your religious beliefs are). Other people believe different things and we respect that, but here is what I believe to be the truth, and I want you to grow up knowing the truth. I can show you a portrait of the real Saint Nicholas on the computer." You can explain that people use Santa as a fun game with their children, but the grown-ups know the truth, and that Santa is really a symbol for the joy of giving and the magic of being kind and thoughtful -- THOSE are real, but Santa is just a game to teach about them.

[doubledutch]

yeah, i should just relax! i don't have beliefs "against" santa except the gimme-gimme aspect. we do tons of pretending, and i don't have a problem with that, so i guess i should just embrace it and have fun with ds. it's temporary, and at least he'll never be angry with me for lying to him about santa OR "ruining christmas" by insisting it's all a hoax.

[mntnmom]

We still do Santa. We talk alot about how no one has ever seen him, so there are lots of different ideas about what he looks like. A lot of " I'm not sure, how does that sound to you?". I don't expect my 6 yr old to have another year of believing. She figured out the Easter Bunny this year.
Eventually, the way my mom explained it to me is that Santa is not a "real" person, he is an idea. We use him to celebrate love and charity, and he's a lot of fun!
I don't have a lot of advice on the Jesus one though. We're fighting that one at our house!!

[mummytoH]

Well, I'm a Humanist & DH is also a non believer. When I told my MIL we didn't want to make a fuss about Christmas as we're not religious & don't want to focus on the material aspects etc etc etc, she put on a sad baby face/voice & said to my Son "aw... is santa not coming to your house..?!" ARGH!

I like the idea of him not being a 'person' but more an idea. I think we'll play it by ear & a big thing for us, is not marking him out to be different when he starts school - I wouldn't like him to be the boy who announces to the entire school that santa doesn't exist!!!

[1jooj]

My own mom used the word "deprived" a few years back. We've never done Christmas, and my kids both know and have always known that Santa is a tradition. We did tell the story of St. Nicholas, to an extent anyway (wasn't it dowries he provided?), and explained that this is a tradition that got wrapped together with some other ones...at any rate, I had to make it clear to mine that they were being let in on a big, adult secret, and they could not blow it for all their friends and family. So they laugh about it together now, thankfully.

[JMJ]

I am Christian, so I may not be the best person to answer your question, but we don't "do" Santa either. Maybe a little more information about the mythology surrounding Santa could help. It could also be a good starting point on the "different people believe different things" talk.

I wasn't raised believing in Santa either. I was told that Santa is a cultural story made up based on St. Nicholas who snuck gifts into poor people's homes in the middle of the night. As I got older, I learned about the Santa myth in different cultures. My mom explained to me not to tell people that Santa doesn't exist because we want other people to be able to believe whatever they want. She told her story of being devastated when she found her parents wraping presents in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, and we knew we didn't want to be responsible for someone else's distress.

[caitlinlea]

I'm struggling with a related issue right now - whether or not to "do" the Santa thing. My siblings grew up believing in Santa and it certainly wasn't traumatic when we outgrew it and knew the truth. By then, though, we were in love with the myth of a man in a sleigh driven by reindeers delivering a gift to everyone in the world all in one night that we still pretended well into our second decade of life. Heck, I still love the idea.

I definitely don't like the consumerism that surrounds that time of year. Since my son is still blissfully unaware of the gifting tradition of Christmas, I have felt disinclined to celebrate Christmas, or rather to move our holiday celebration to the Solstice, but my husband had a bit of a fit when I brought up the possibility.

I'm an atheist, and although the Christmas holiday, and Santa, have become so secularized over the years I guess I inwardly struggle with how to acknowledge the day even though it gave me such joy growing up. Santa provided rich material for our imaginations and the memories of the stories we made up are still with me. So I don't know - I think I am in favor of following my son's lead on Santa. He'll hear all about him soon enough and I like the idea of answering his questions with questions about what he things and imagines....I'm not sure I can quite bring myself to hammer in the truth at this age; I feel a bit scrooge-ish.

I've wanted to start a thread on this topic so its nice to read about other people's thoughts and experiences.

[mamabadger]

We did not go along with the Santa story for our children, but for a different reason: out of reverence for the actual St. Nicholas.

Since it is impossible to actually avoid Santa completely, DH and I told the kids Santa was pretend, and lots of people liked to pretend Santa brought them presents on Christmas. The children were welcome to "pretend" about Santa all they wanted, but if they asked directly, we explained he was not real. We also mentioned it was rude to spoil people's fun by telling them Santa was fake, etc. Rather than get into the "disrespecting their traditions" idea, when they were too young to grasp it, we took the "don't be a killjoy" approach, which they understood.

As for your DS sometimes believing in Santa/Jesus/whoever, he is FOUR! He will believe in all kinds of things at this point, including some which are mutually contradictory.

[lilyka]

In our house we celebrate the feast of St Nicholas as he was an Orthodox Bishop who was ...sainted (?) by the church and his feast day is Dec 6th (depeding on what caladar you use...) and we are Orthodox Christians. We celebrate the feast days of may saints all year long...this is just what we do...St Nicholas was a great guy and there are some fun tradition for celebrating his feast day (chocolate coins, shoes filled with gifts, etc...where many of our current Christmas traditions come from. Here is a link for more information http://www.comeandseeicons.com/n/ftj12.htm )

we don't do Santa . They have always just assumed he was a story book character. believed in him like they believe in winnie the pooh or mickey mouse. He is real but not REAL. If they really really wanted to do the whole santa thing I guess I wouldn't have a problem setting out some raindeer chow and cookies and putting a present under the tree marked "from Santa" but I would still be clear it was all still just make bvelieve.

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by mamabadger

As for your DS sometimes believing in Santa/Jesus/whoever, he is FOUR! He will believe in all kinds of things at this point, including some which are mutually contradictory.

lol, you're right. i was mostly concerned about my response and his reaction - "there was a real person named st nicholas who lived a long time ago," and him saying, "so he DIED?" i felt bad (but not anymore). he asks a lot of questions and deserves thoughtful answers. i think lilyka is right on with seeing santa as a "character" and letting it go.