I didn't mean to write a novel, sorry!
I guess I'm looking for support, and to know I'm not alone in the way I parent my children.
For the first time I've come up against disapproval from people I care about. I've had disapproval of my parenting choices before, had people tell me how to get my kid to sleep in her own room, poop in the potty with the promise of stickers, etc.. and it never phased me because they weren't people whose approval I necessarily needed or wanted.
But now a good friend doesn't like how I am disciplining my daughter. She isn't saying this directly, but is suggesting books and web sites, pointing out people are 'good with discipline', talking about the research against permissive parenting, interfering with my redirection of my daughter.
Twice she witnessed my daughter refusing my requests, and me going along with the refusal. Once was in the grocery store; I told DD we needed to get to the produce section. DD didn't say anything but simply walked over to the lobster tank and watched them. So I joined her. The lobsters were interesting, DD is too young to resist such a site, and we weren't in a hurry. A minute or two later I asked if she was ready to go to the produce section now, she said yes, and off we went to get our veggies. DFs mouth dropped. You know, the whole ignoring a request/defiance of parent thing, and me asking DD if she was ready to move on rather than just telling her what to do.
The second was when DD was resting on the couch. She got up before I expected her to and I told her to lie down for longer. DD simply said 'no' to which DF responded with a sharp intake of breath. I asked DD why she didn't want to lie down and she said she had rested long enough and wasn't tired any more. Sounded like a good reason to me, and she didn't seem tired, so I said OK.
That's when all the general comments about discipline began.
I guess it just makes me sad that my good friend and I don't see eye to eye on this, and seems to distance us from each other a little. I didn't feel as comfortable talking with her about parenting issues, which my life pretty much revolves around these days, because she just didn't seem to get where I was coming from. And it's hard that a good friend doesn't show confidence in such a huge part of my life at the moment.
I can see if DD was hell on wheels, but she was generally pretty cooperative and pleasant. DF was here for a week and during that time DD had one short melt down (while she was with DH and I was showering), played nicely with her brother, helped me around the house, didn't resist bed time. She's just about to turn three and that second example is the only time she said 'no' to me the whole week! DS hasn't really gotten into toddler behavior yet, he's more like a baby than a toddler. So DF wasn't reacting to difficult behavior in children, but my style of interaction. I did respond immediately and firmly when DD did something unsafe, so it's not like I'm totally lax, just not authoritarian when I don't see a need to be.
I may bring this up with DF a little later, but right now I just need some support! DF has no children, so she's never navigated being with two kids under three 24/7, or had to test her ideas or assumptions about how adults should be around children. I guess I'm just looking for acknowledgment that it's OK, healthy even, for kids to have some control and choice in their lives, that obedience isn't a desired outcome in kids, and that it's tough when friends don't support us in our style of child raising. Especially that last one.
I guess I'm looking for support, and to know I'm not alone in the way I parent my children.
For the first time I've come up against disapproval from people I care about. I've had disapproval of my parenting choices before, had people tell me how to get my kid to sleep in her own room, poop in the potty with the promise of stickers, etc.. and it never phased me because they weren't people whose approval I necessarily needed or wanted.
But now a good friend doesn't like how I am disciplining my daughter. She isn't saying this directly, but is suggesting books and web sites, pointing out people are 'good with discipline', talking about the research against permissive parenting, interfering with my redirection of my daughter.
Twice she witnessed my daughter refusing my requests, and me going along with the refusal. Once was in the grocery store; I told DD we needed to get to the produce section. DD didn't say anything but simply walked over to the lobster tank and watched them. So I joined her. The lobsters were interesting, DD is too young to resist such a site, and we weren't in a hurry. A minute or two later I asked if she was ready to go to the produce section now, she said yes, and off we went to get our veggies. DFs mouth dropped. You know, the whole ignoring a request/defiance of parent thing, and me asking DD if she was ready to move on rather than just telling her what to do.
The second was when DD was resting on the couch. She got up before I expected her to and I told her to lie down for longer. DD simply said 'no' to which DF responded with a sharp intake of breath. I asked DD why she didn't want to lie down and she said she had rested long enough and wasn't tired any more. Sounded like a good reason to me, and she didn't seem tired, so I said OK.
That's when all the general comments about discipline began.
I guess it just makes me sad that my good friend and I don't see eye to eye on this, and seems to distance us from each other a little. I didn't feel as comfortable talking with her about parenting issues, which my life pretty much revolves around these days, because she just didn't seem to get where I was coming from. And it's hard that a good friend doesn't show confidence in such a huge part of my life at the moment.
I can see if DD was hell on wheels, but she was generally pretty cooperative and pleasant. DF was here for a week and during that time DD had one short melt down (while she was with DH and I was showering), played nicely with her brother, helped me around the house, didn't resist bed time. She's just about to turn three and that second example is the only time she said 'no' to me the whole week! DS hasn't really gotten into toddler behavior yet, he's more like a baby than a toddler. So DF wasn't reacting to difficult behavior in children, but my style of interaction. I did respond immediately and firmly when DD did something unsafe, so it's not like I'm totally lax, just not authoritarian when I don't see a need to be.
I may bring this up with DF a little later, but right now I just need some support! DF has no children, so she's never navigated being with two kids under three 24/7, or had to test her ideas or assumptions about how adults should be around children. I guess I'm just looking for acknowledgment that it's OK, healthy even, for kids to have some control and choice in their lives, that obedience isn't a desired outcome in kids, and that it's tough when friends don't support us in our style of child raising. Especially that last one.
I was reading along, feeling sad that your friendship would probably disintegrate a little over time if she was raising her children so very differently than you, but then I read that she doesn't even HAVE kids yet, and I just sort of smiled to myself. 
and 
and maybe 
