Yes, I will take no for an answer Update #32 - Page 4

[sgmom]

I'm curious...

For all you parents who expect/demand please and thank you's, how many of you force apologies?

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by sgmom

It doesn't make you're wrong to parent this way. It's just not UP, so don't pretend that it is.

Never claimed to be UP, but I am GP. I respond honestly to my children. If I pretended that rudeness didn't bother me I'd be lying to them. I've NEVER forced an apology, I apologize for them if they don't do it on their own. I don't force please and thankyou either, though I do teach it. If a request is made with a polite tone of voice and it's a reasonable request, I'll comply. But if a rude or demanding tone is used I'll call them on it.

[sgmom]

Just to clarify, I was speaking in general. I see a LOT of non-UP parents on this forum (which is great to have on a parenting forum), but I don't see how putting expectations on our children, then showing them disapproval when they don't comply, a form of gentle discipline at all. I'm kind of confused by this, is all.

There's only one person that I've seen on this forum (so far) that I believe shouldn't be offering advice. Only because I believe their parenting method is FAR from gentle discipline - not because I think they are a bad parent (I don't).

[sgmom]

This thread has gotten way, WAY off topic... My apologies to onemomentatatime.

[Wild Lupine]

Originally Posted by sgmom

This thread has gotten way, WAY off topic... My apologies to onemomentatatime.

No apologies needed, this is fascinating! I so rarely get to have an in depth discussion about these issues that it is great to hear different viewpoints.

One thing I am aware of is that we are only getting a partial view of others' parenting styles. We don't see one another at all, let alone in context. And we don't know one anothers' kids. Those parents who are not asking for/expecting rephrases when their child says no instead of no thank you may have children who are not developmentally there yet. And those parents who are asking for rephrases may have kids who are ready for that. It's not like we're talking about 10 year olds here. It makes sense that one two year old might be ready for no thank you, please, etc... and another isn't. So we may all be focusing on different things AND be 100% appropriate with our children because we know them best.

[BellaClaudia]

I also don't have time to read repplies of others but
I wanted to join the hugging crowd that is just like you.

I put comfort and need for exploring my child first.
I build around my child whenever I can and I would
negotiate solutions with my child if I had to do something else.

it breads reason and logic and teaches making choices
that arre superior in my mind then just grabbing a child
by the hand and pulling behind like a tail.

my example: from early on I let my kid to play in a store with
anything she likes if she does it safely and gently and she does.
and so if she asks for something from the shelf as I push her
in shopping cart to play with she knows the rules..
I hand her a spatula... an onion.. a bag of cerial to explore pictures on it
and she would do so..
and when it is time to leave the store she will put everything away
on simple request to do so without ANY fight.

some people hiss on me when they see that I permit her to play with Anything in the store and say: you will never see it back, you will have to buy it now,s he won't let you have it.. etc..

so this is where I am.. and i am happy with it.

as to your friend.. I would say simply that she has obviously different approach to discipline and I do have different one, it is normal as each of us grew up and experienced it differently and now we have different needs and approach to it..

and so let's just accept our differences since and although I don't necsserly agree with her choices I do not judge her or suggest that she should change them because i see she is comfortable with them and so she must know what she is doing and why just the same way I know why I am the way I am as a parent and I don't think that anyone from outside my family and my conciousness besides my husband has or should have a right to direct us
since we and only we will have to live with the results, not her.

just the same as she would not be probably willing to live with your results then she should leave those choices to you.

note: don't worry, immature people usually can't imagine and comprehend the fact that this is non of their business really and although good friend..
she should not do that.

parenitng is like medicine.. first we should do no harm.

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

I do wonder if you expressed demands or requests differently that your friend would "get" that it's fine for your DD to respond with a "no" or walk away. It also might be a generally good practice for when your child is older and there's more of a distinction between "would you" and "we must."

So make a point of asking "Are you ready to go to the produce section?" instead of "We need to go to the produce section." If your friend is still rude to your DD then, you can say "Actually, I asked her a question and she said no. That's a perfectly appropriate response." A few times of that should make it really clear that you like your discipline style and don't need her books etc, but if not, you can say so whenever she offers them.

I know, I'm quoting myself, but I think changing what you say could be very helpful. I think is perfectly within UP, it's the difference between DH asking me "Where do you want to go for dinner?" and "We need to be at Blah restaurant at 8."

[JL83]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

I know, I'm quoting myself, but I think changing what you say could be very helpful. I think is perfectly within UP, it's the difference between DH asking me "Where do you want to go for dinner?" and "We need to be at Blah restaurant at 8."

I agree with this.

We try very hard to ask questions rather than give orders.

Asking "Are you ready to leave?" on your way out of a store (where DD is often looking at something) gives an opportunity for the child to say "No, I want to keep looking at this." And the the parent can easily negotiate. And that feels MUCH different than the parent saying "It's time to go," and having the kid say "No" and then basically giving into that.

I think the first way sets up a nice relationship where everyone's needs are taken into account and the child is given a voice. The second way sets up a situation where the child controls what happens and has much more power than would happen in an actual equal relationship.