November Infertility One Thread - Page 2

[Tear78]

Originally Posted by laura-belle

We'd be happy for you .

Thanks, laura-belle. That means a lot to me. One of the reasons I was feeling so bitter in the general TTC forums is that "in and out" member exposure. If I'm honest with myself, I have no reason to hope that this would be the cycle for me. I've just somehow found this hidden spring of hope inside of me that's usually covered up with jadedness and I'm clutching on to it: even though I know for certain how terribly far down I will fall from it if my period comes. But even using the word "if" and not "when" is a huge step towards positive thinking and away from angry and bitter for me. I'm so scared I'll fall back in that pit if I'm let down yet again.

What do you ladies think: is hope sustainable, cycle after cycle? I definitely took a break from it. I'd like to think that maybe I'm finding my positive thinking again, but I'm scared.

whoa..that was longer than I meant it to be.

[stretch358]

Thanks for the welcome ladies.

Tear - for me the hope comes and goes at this point, though it spends more time going than coming.

AFM - I forgot to mention I have had a HSG all of the hormonal testing, and DH has been tested.

I'm in a holding pattern at the moment while my regular dr. tries to get my tsh back under 4. (he and I would like it between 1-2, though he cares more about my t3 and t4than tsh, but the RE only requires tsh under 4) Once my thyroid is stable I will be going in for IUI. I'm hoping for January. (We will miss the ability to do a dec IUI because I will not have CD1 before the cut-off even if my tsh is good.)

[anne1140]

Originally Posted by Tear78

What do you ladies think: is hope sustainable, cycle after cycle? I definitely took a break from it. I'd like to think that maybe I'm finding my positive thinking again, but I'm scared.

If I know what you mean, for me, no, it was not sustainable. It was tearing me up month after month. For some reason that I don't know, after about a year and a half, I stopped expecting to be pregnant every month. Kind of like I expect not to be, but know I could be pleasantly surprised. I didn't consciously do this. I think my body/brain has used it as a coping mechanism. That's not to say that I don't ever have my moments, but in general, month to month, I'm not expecting anything to be any different. Maybe that's sad, I don't know. But right now, it works for me.

Can my info be changed to:
anne1140 (26) - TTC #1 since Nov. '07. Done: blood work for both, semen analysis 4X, HSG, 2 ultrasounds (1 2D, 1 3D), and varicocele repair. Me: septate uterus, Him: poor sperm morphology and motility, possibly caused by varicocele (repaired now!). Next step: Semen analysis in January to see if the surgery worked, and trying in the meantime.

As all of you can see, we've officially hit the 2 year mark. I know a lot of you have been there already. It's hard, but now that we're taking steps forward, I'm feeling a bit more optimistic about it.

[laura-belle]

Tear78: At this point (~2.5 years into this) I don't expect that any cycle will work, but I do still hope each and every time. I think I have to have hope, or why am I still doing this. *shrugs*

anne1140: Updating you. Hope the variocele repair did it's thing .

[quetinha]

I can't hold onto hope for long stretches either. It comes in small bursts. I keep googling statistics and sometimes I'll read an article that has me thinking I have great chances, then I'll read one that has me thinking it is just not possible.

[AmyKT]

Hope was absolutely gutting me the first time, but it was more other people's hopes than my own. I got used to failure, but I couldn't stand having to constantly update my friends and family. They wouldn't let me despair, either, and sometimes I needed to. My mother was driving me batty, and has started to a bit this go around, as well. I've gotten to the point where I won't discuss my situation with anyone unless I'm really in the mood. I appreciate that they care, I just hate having people watching the calendar.

What about you all? Do you like it when others ask about your treatments? Or does anyone know?

ETA: Thank you for adding me, Laura-belle

[Tear78]

I think for me hope is a coping mechanism. I don't really believe in it, but that's hard to admit...well, until AF comes and I'm angry and torn and bitter and broken. exhibit a...today. I go between feeling like, why should it happen now of all times, and well sometime the pattern just has to break, doesn't it? to what if it never happens?

I think this is one of my lower AF days:
I gave 17 vials of blood for a fertility workup this morning. They took an hour to get me in the room and do it so I was very late to a class: yes, a Saturday class. And then I got my period on top of it. oh yay. and when did I get to grieve? inside myself, feeling like my heart was dying, while I sat in the class and tried to hide my emotions.

oh, and one of my colleagues asked how I was doing, if I was feeling ok, and I said no, and she said "just wait until you have kids, it gets worse." WTF?!!!! Thanks for diminishing my pain by saying you have it worse, and you're full of horse!@#$ by the way cause you have no idea what you're talking about!!!!!!!!! sorry...I'll stop now.

[EastbayK]

Hmmm, so after a 33 day cycle with a 16 day lp last month, this month is 24 days with a 12 day lp. I guess they are averaging each other out...

Tear- what was the results of all that blood you had to give?

Kim

[SimplyRochelle]

Sorry to just jump in here, but has anyone ever heard of a dr. just skipping the 50mg dose of Clomid altogether? I ovulate on my own most of the time (usually not until around cd22-24) and I have a constantly changing lp (anywhere from 10-16 days). I just don't understand why this was his first choice, since from what I've read, most women start out with a 50mg dose. He wants me to take 100mg on days 5-9 then come in for an ultrasound later on in my cycle. We're not even really sure we're going to do it this month but I've already got my prescription filled. We may end up waiting until May and some of that depends on $, but really I'd just like to be due during a break between semesters (why am I still trying to plan after almost 3 years!?) We have no insurance, so I pay cash at the dr. and paid cash for my Clomid too. I wonder if he just feels like maybe I'd get pregnant sooner with this bigger dose (although he'd be missing out on money then, I guess).
I am just reading everything possible right now and would love to hear from you ladies.

[EastbayK]

Rochelle- don't apologize, you are welcome here too!

I can't give any answers on why your doctor would start you off on a dose of 100mg. Maybe that's just his protocol. I only did one round of 50mg. Even though I responded to that, the next round was higher and the next higher still. Maybe he feels he's just skipping an expendable step.

A good place to do research for medical and healthcare that is evidenced based (ie, based on actual research) is at the www.cochranecollaboration.com. They have teams that research and report the current best practices in many, many fields. A link to their database is here- http://www.mrw.interscience.wiley.co...bjects_fs.html. They have both fertility and subfertility headings.

Kim

[oregonduck]

Tear78--I'm so sorry that woman was so rude! I hope your workup yields some helpful results for you.

[Tear78]

thanks, ladies. Nothing back from my testing yet. I go in for an HSG on Tuesday. My cyst did not resolve on its own with AF, so we're going to check on it in a month to see if I need a laparoscopy. They said it could be a hemorrhagic cyst or endometrioma. Or the minor chance of cancer. oh man. healthy thoughts, healthy thoughts. I guess this month is really not that great a chance. We're certainly not going to try any interventions with this thing. sigh.. I'm finding ways to relax and find peace in this, though. I'm not temping anymore, and I'm not logging on much anymore. I'm focusing on ways to find serenity. It's a conscious, difficult effort, but I think it's helping.

[FtMPapa]

Hi Rochelle,

Yup, been there, done that. I've had two different docs start me out at 100 mg Clomid. It's pretty common.

When you get your ultrasound, find out how the doc feels about your endometrium. 10 + is good, 8+ is acceptable, anything lower is going to reduce your chances of getting pregnant. Some docs won't do an IUI with less than 5. I had 6.5 last month, and five good follicles, but the embryo couldn't implant. If your endometrium is not good, consider switching to Letrozole (Femara) or Tamoxifen if this month doesn't work out if your doc will do those. Some obgyns only do Clomid, in my experience. You might want to get estrogen patches to go with the Clomid to help the lining, but it will only help so much.

Is your doc getting you bloodwork when you get your ultrasound? If so, what he's up to is the Clomid Challenge Test. Check online for more info, it does give you an idea of what's going on with your ovaries and how you'll respond to meds in the future.

Since you're paying cash and this stuff gets expensive fast, have you had a semen analysis on the sperm? If not, get one. The three cheapest things in infertility treatment are Clomid, HCG triggers, and semen analysis, and the last two are the most effective, IMO. Good luck!

[laura-belle]

I haven't updated in the week since my appointment because my computer decided that the display didn't really need to work--but I finally have it back, repaired. Upshot of the appointment is that I should have possible minor septum snipped, but the RE doesn't think it is why we're not getting pregnant. . Joy.

[lalalola]

Hi Ladies. I'm new here, figured that sadly I belong here now instead of TTC.

DH (30) and I (25) have been TTC for 2 years but actually haven't been practicing safe sex for years (DH works out of town all the town). In May we were referred to a fertility clinic and last Monday was our first appointment with them and we didn't get good news.

I have very regular cycles, charting and OPK showed regular O. DH had a SA done a year ago and everything came back with flying colors. Well the fertility clinic did another SA and found that even though his numbers are excellent (most were double the average), his sperm are coated with 100% antibodies. So our option is IVF with ICSI.

Last week our whole world blew apart and I'm not sure how we are going to deal with it. We never expected these results. We are both young and healthy. I was thinking that our timing was off (cuz of DH work schedule) and that maybe we try an IUI or something... Never did I expect this bomb to go off.

We are very happy that we have our age on our sides and that our success rates should be high with IVF but we still need to mourn the loss that we will probably never ever conceive naturally. I never need to have those mixed emotions of the TWW anymore, don't need to worry about timing DTD, taking vitamins, etc etc. This is just so crazy.

We basically knew nothing about IVF and never heard of ICSI before so we have a lot of research to be doing. As soon as AF arrives, I start my work up. I'm getting blood work, HSG and ulta sound and then DH and I need to put our deposit down for our spot in the IVF list and take a mandatory information session.

Will the hurt every go away? I feel like we were just bombed and we are walking around wounded and lost. I haven't felt happiness since we heard the news and its hard to talk to other people because they just don't understand.

Sorry for the long ramblings. Thanks so for listening.....

[laura-belle]

lalalola: . That sucks. I have added you to the Dec list. Hope your stay here is short.