How To Handle Noise Issues...

[Chamsia]

My dd is 3 1/2. She is fairly well behaved in general, but she's 3 1/2, so she is pretty exasperating a lot of the time!

My husband has an auditory processing disorder. In short, noise drives him batty. Dd is naturally noisy, as is anyone her age.

So we are trying to get dd to understand that banging/shrieking/loud noisemaking hurts her daddy. She definitely knows that it bugs him---so that makes it her ammunition. I do not think that she does it intentionally most of the time, though sometimes she obviously does (we'll ask her to stop and she'll do it more, or she'll only get noisy when he comes home).

DH works hard physically and is very tired when he comes home. I am sorry to say that he sometimes has very little patience. He is also very sensitive and takes it very personally when she is noisy. To me that is ridiculous--she is a preschooler and preschoolers are noisy. I try to remind myself that DH has a disability and it truly pains him, hurts him, to hear this stuff. But I get exasperated with him too--not always but at least once a week she'll just be talking to herself being cute and he'll get upset that she's being so noisy.

Though dh is sometimes so tired that he "needs his space", he makes sure to have fun one-on-one time with dd every day and they have lots of special things that they do together. We also all eat 3 meals together every day. So, though I'm sure dd would love even more exclusive time with dad, it's not as if she is not getting any.

I often try to explain to DH that dd's noise level is totally age appropriate and that it's unfair to expect her to pipe down immediately whenever he's home. Then again, 3 1/2 year olds can learn and differentiate all sorts of things, so I agree with him that we need to teach her and she needs to be respectful. I am just unsure where the lines are and how to handle it all.

Currently, if dd fails to heed several (many!) warnings, she has to play upstairs (baby gate shut on stairs) for about 5 minutes. A time out of sorts, I guess, except that she can play and all. It's just to seperate her noise from DH--she can't stay near Daddy if she can't respect his needs. She comes down and apologizes to him for being noisy, then starts over with a clean slate. Only occasionally does she need to go upstairs twice.

This is just routine and we don't seem to be making any progress. I am pregnant (due late May) so I think the thought of the current situation plus a wailing baby is creating some real anxiety for dh.

Ideas on how to handle dd and dh are welcome--thanks mamas!

[sgmom]

What about engaging DD and DH in a quiet activity together in the evening? Coloring, arts and crafts, something like that. The more quiet time she spends when dad is home (with or without him), the more likely she is to "switch" from high to low energy when he walks through the door.

I would suggest allowing her to burn off energy for the hour or so before he comes home during the week, then work on weekends together as a family (allowing her to have her "loud" time in a room where dad is not).

Just a thought... Even though she apologizes for being noisy, is it because she truly means it (does she really understand why she's been sent upstairs?), or because she knows that's what's expected of her?

I think giving her a choice to leave the room when she can't control her voice is fantastic. Forcing her to leave is a whole other thing. Maybe you can make up a game where she can go somewhere and be loud for a few minutes when she can't control her energy level? I used to babysit a girl who would scream into her pillow and kick her feet as hard as she could when her energy levels got too high (we made a huge game out of it, sometimes with tickling), or when she got really frustrated. And WOW, did she ever come off that pillow feeling better (often laughing). LOL! My point is that it got out a TON of energy quickly, and allowed for her to calm down.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by Chamsia

My dd is 3 1/2. She is fairly well behaved in general, but she's 3 1/2, so she is pretty exasperating a lot of the time!

My husband has an auditory processing disorder. In short, noise drives him batty. Dd is naturally noisy, as is anyone her age.

I disagree with this. Some children may be noisy. But certainly not all children are. My DD is 3 and she is not noisy, and neither are the 3 or 4 other ~3yos we have over on a regular basis.

So we are trying to get dd to understand that banging/shrieking/loud noisemaking hurts her daddy. She definitely knows that it bugs him---so that makes it her ammunition. I do not think that she does it intentionally most of the time, though sometimes she obviously does (we'll ask her to stop and she'll do it more, or she'll only get noisy when he comes home).

DH works hard physically and is very tired when he comes home. I am sorry to say that he sometimes has very little patience. He is also very sensitive and takes it very personally when she is noisy. To me that is ridiculous--she is a preschooler and preschoolers are noisy. I try to remind myself that DH has a disability and it truly pains him, hurts him, to hear this stuff. But I get exasperated with him too--not always but at least once a week she'll just be talking to herself being cute and he'll get upset that she's being so noisy.

I can't stand loud noises either.

She is old enough to learn to use her quiet voice inside and her loud voice outside.

Though dh is sometimes so tired that he "needs his space", he makes sure to have fun one-on-one time with dd every day and they have lots of special things that they do together. We also all eat 3 meals together every day. So, though I'm sure dd would love even more exclusive time with dad, it's not as if she is not getting any.

I often try to explain to DH that dd's noise level is totally age appropriate and that it's unfair to expect her to pipe down immediately whenever he's home. Then again, 3 1/2 year olds can learn and differentiate all sorts of things, so I agree with him that we need to teach her and she needs to be respectful. I am just unsure where the lines are and how to handle it all.

Currently, if dd fails to heed several (many!) warnings, she has to play upstairs (baby gate shut on stairs) for about 5 minutes. A time out of sorts, I guess, except that she can play and all. It's just to seperate her noise from DH--she can't stay near Daddy if she can't respect his needs. She comes down and apologizes to him for being noisy, then starts over with a clean slate. Only occasionally does she need to go upstairs twice.

This is just routine and we don't seem to be making any progress. I am pregnant (due late May) so I think the thought of the current situation plus a wailing baby is creating some real anxiety for dh.

Ideas on how to handle dd and dh are welcome--thanks mamas!

We have a very simple set of rules in our house. It's that we are allowed to do mostly what we want in our own private space. But when we're in the common space of the house, or wanting to share other people's space, we have to respect other people.

In our house DD gets 1 or 2 warning about yelling/shrieking/banging (all things that aren't acceptable in the main common spaces). And then she is instructed that if she wants to continue playing that way she needs to take what she's playing with up to her room and play there. And we offer to help move her or her toy. If she chooses to continue to play in an annoying way in the common space then we will enforce this. Most of the time she would rather play nicely and near us than loudly in a different space.

We also live in a row house. So it's not really an option for us to be loud inside. We need to be respectful of the people we share walls with. So, from the very beginning, if she cried at night (more than for a few seconds) we'd take her downstairs. We don't run inside at all nor do we yell. Those are things we do outside (or in the basement).

[JMJ]

Is your goal to control her behavior so that she is quiet when Daddy is home? If so, then a clear number of warnings (1 or 2) before a natural consequence (separating her from her Daddy) is most likely to be effective. Tell her, "Next time you scream, you are going to have to go upstairs."

Is your goal to make her feel like she doesn't have to do something you don't like in order to get attention? Then shower her with attention on her terms. Make some changes so that you can spend more quality time with her, and follow her cues as to when she is ready to go off and be independent. You can't assume that if you spend a certain amount of time with her, that she will be getting all the attention she needs. (I'm talking about you, not your husband. You can't make him spend more time with her, but you can control your relationship with her. Yes, you would like him to spend more quality time with her, but it has to be his choice.) If you feel like she is being loud in order to get attention, then you might see her making noise as your cue that you need to make some special time with her a bit later.

Is your goal to allow her to make her own choices while creating boundaries based on respect? If so, then let her know that if she wants to make loud noises, then you need her help deciding a place that she can go to make loud noises as much as she wants, whenever she wants. Also, let your husband know that if she makes loud noises, then it is acceptable for him to take some space. That way, he does not have to let her hurt him, and she does not have to be quiet.