Learning Gentleness

[foodymama]

Hi! I am in need of any additional advice on teaching gentleness to our 17mo. DD. In one week I will be having much needed sinus surgery and my worst fear is about coming home after the surgery and DD hitting my nose, tearing off my glasses or kicking my nose while BFing as she so often does. We are constantly saying that those actions hurt Mommy or Daddy and show her how to be gentle. She even knows the sign for hurt and signs it after doing one of the above mentioned things but it seems like we are making no headway on reducing the behavior. In fact, it seems to be getting worse. She now has taken to hitting and kicking our cats. After we take her hands and show her how to be gentle and touch nicely, she'll do it one or two times nicely and then haul off and hit us or the cats again. We have also tried redirecting her to giving high fives, hitting pillows, playing with playdoh and actually giving her the cat brush to brush the cat nicely with, with much supervision so she doesn't hit the cat with it and she does redirect to those behaviors very well but she always goes back to the hitting.

I'm not giving up by any means but how many times can you do that in a row before getting fed up with getting hit? And especially since in a week's time it will be really important for her not to touch my face. I plan to BF her with her legs away from my face but I can't hold her arms down, what can we do?

[LynnS6]

Ouch, I'm sorry about your surgery.

I would, since it's so important, start putting her down IMMEDIATELY when she hurts you during nursing or when on your lap. "You hurt, you're down". It doesn't have to be for very long, and it shouldn't be violent or mean. Just "ouch that hurt. I can't hold you when you hurt me." Then pick her up a minute or two later. I bet after 3-4 repetitions, she'll get it.

keep doing the other things - the redirecting, the other behaviors.

The other thing is to see if you can stop her hitting before she makes contact. If you catch her arm before she makes contact, the 'thrill' of the hit is gone. Once she's wound up to hit, it'll be nearly impossible for her to stop that action. So, you need to work on stopping the impulse, rather than stopping the hit.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Avoiding or catching in the act may be very effective. You aren't taking this serious enough, you are being too nice. You haven't taught her the consequences of her actions. Right now she is too young for 'gentle'.

Don't let her hurt the cats. Don't show gentle. If she hurts the cat, pick up the cat and move it to safety. Make safe zones in your house for the cats. Buy or make a kitty tower. Keep a crate the cats can go in. Have a room that has at least a little litter pan that the cats can go in for safety kitty time out.

She needs to learn hitting and hurting be allowed to hurt. She will be stopped or put down. The 'gentle discipline' part comes in that she isn't going to be punished by being hit, tyelled at, having time outs, or having her most beloved things taken away. Gentle discipline does not mean you always have to 'be gentle.' You can respond to something like hitting in a quick and decisive way so the child knows that what they are doing will not be allowed.