If you don't mind...

[mamakah]

would any mamas please share with me their "internal thoughts" they had with PPD? I'm starting to wonder if I may have it or still have it since my son is 18 months old.

[DanAbimytwomiracle]

I would think to myself that I just anted her to shut the he** up and go to sleep. I'd scream in my head that I couldn't take it anymore, I hated this, etc. There was probably worse but I've blocked it out (((hugs)))

[greeneyedmama]

Oh my anything you can think of.... Throwing her on the floor/against the wall/out the window, giving her up for adoption, etc. Stuff I don't even feel comfortable thinking about. It was bad, near psychosis sometimes.

[Autumn Breeze]

Yeah, really any thought you have that is out of character for you could be put into that group.

For me it was both things I could imaging myself doing. (Just dropping the kid in her crib, I don't care if she screams! I'm done! .... in reality I'd still be rocking and nursing.)

And it could be things that I was "afraid would happen" going to the grocery store, blowing a tire and the van would flip (we travel at highway speeds for part of our trip to the grocery store), and we'd all be killed, no more sad mommy!

So for me it was anything out of character, that I did find disturbing.

[mamatolevi]

that everyone else would be better off if I just wasn't around. can I just leave the car running outside the 7-11 and walk home?

It's when these kinds of thoughts sound reasonable is when it's dangerous. Doesn't mean one shouldn't seek some help if it's still in (what I call) the unreasonable stage though.

[MamaMem]

I thought duct taping my toddler in his bed would be a great idea.
I frequently worried that somethin would happen to him (like dying in a car wreck) and I had to "plan out" how I would manage a funeral and burial and food and life after that.

Thank God for meds. They have made a huge difference. Only occasionally do I have a lapse back to this kind of stuff.

[caro113]

Originally Posted by greeneyedmama

Oh my anything you can think of.... Throwing her on the floor/against the wall/out the window, giving her up for adoption, etc. Stuff I don't even feel comfortable thinking about. It was bad, near psychosis sometimes.

Yup! I also thought about killing myself. When I was pregnant, I would yell at my stomach saying "you are nothing but problems". It really affected my relationship with DP. I would contemplate running away and leaving her in a safe haven. After she was born I thought about leaving a lot. No one actually knows this, but I did leave one night. DP was home and I couldn't handle DD so I just screamed at them both and walked out of the house. I didn't come back for over an hour. It was dark; she was less than a week old. I think DP found me curled up on the porch.

[caro113]

Originally Posted by mamakah

I'm starting to wonder if I may have it or still have it since my son is 18 months old.

My daughter is 13 months and I'm still suffering. I've always dealt with depression and suffered from a (what I consider) horrific birth experience which only made it worse. About a week before her birthday, I completely broke down.

She was born in October and by January, I was begging for another baby. It wasn't so much that I could handle another child (because I definitely could not) but because I was so eager to heal from the birth that I truly felt I needed to make it up with another birth. I still feel that way, especially after talking to other mamas who have all said they weren't fully healed until they got the birth they wanted, but I'm glad I don't have a 13 month old AND a 1 month old. I am, however, pregnant.

Planning this birth is certainly helping me, but I still have nightmares from the birth experience and I know that is a huge part in why I'm still dealing with PPD. I still have days when I just can't stand DD because she isn't doing exactly what I want her do, like playing quietly by herself with her toys. Just last week I had to call DP home from work because she had been screaming for an hour and half. I think I was crying for most of it. I just couldn't handle it.

Anyhow, my point is, it doesn't matter how old your child is, you can still be suffering from it. I definitely still am and it's been 13 months. I see no reason why it would be any different at 18 months.

You aren't alone. And I hope you get better soon.

Just to note: When I was in college, it really helped to talk to someone. It took a few tries to find the right person, but once I did, she was great. No meds or anything, just talking, about anything I wanted to talk about. She was really great and I wish I could still talk to her.

[DanAbimytwomiracle]

caro113 - I don't know your first birth experience, but there is a chapter in the book "slient Knife" (aboue C-sections and VBAC's) on healing. It focuses on post-C-section trauma but I truly think it's ideas can be used for any traumtic birth.
Part of why I say this is because my 2nd birth did not go as planned, and the only reason I did as well as I did with it was because I tried to heal from the trauma of my 1st birth before my 2nd.

[Litcrit]

I'm not supposed to be a mother. Some women like it and like their children, I'm not one of them. I'm selfish, evil and immature.

They'd be better off without me. I'll just leave them and never get married again, go somewhere far away and read a lot.

Wouldn't it be great if I just accidentally fell off these stairs? If this bus hit me? It would end without it being my fault.

What is this human cub to me? How am I supposed to feel anything for it? I remember thinking puppies and kittens were cute, but nothing is cute any more. There is no love for anyone or anything. How do women talk to their babies, sing to them, read to them? It's more insane and difficult than talking to a wall. I can only talk to myself, sometimes.

[AmyKT]

Reading all of your thoughts (about your thoughts) has helped me put the first few months after my daughter's birth into perspective. We worked so long and hard to get her, and when we were finally home with her, I wished I could go back to how it was before. I daydreamed about getting hit by a bus and convalescing in a hospital for months. And I hated myself for it. I didn't think about it being PPD. I thought I was just a really bad, ungrateful woman who was not fit to be a mother.

[caro113]

Originally Posted by DanAbimytwomiracle

caro113 - I don't know your first birth experience, but there is a chapter in the book "slient Knife" (aboue C-sections and VBAC's) on healing. It focuses on post-C-section trauma but I truly think it's ideas can be used for any traumtic birth.
Part of why I say this is because my 2nd birth did not go as planned, and the only reason I did as well as I did with it was because I tried to heal from the trauma of my 1st birth before my 2nd.

Thanks for the suggestion. I've been meaning to get a few new books, including "so that's what they're for" so I'll have to look into this book as well. I didn't have a c-section; we planned for a UC and at the last moment, DP pushed me into a hospital and it was absolutely awful. I've definitely learned from it and I can definitely pick out some positives from it, and that has helped a little bit, just not completely.

[thixle]

thank you, mamakah, for posting

Baby turned 1 yesterday (!) and I've been off meds for a month. Yep, I need to go back on tonight.

I was thinking last night that the girls would be better off with out me because of xyz nonsense stupid stuff (like I don't take enough photos!)... truth be told, I was planning out who would get custody, etc in the "event of my untimely death." Scary and elaborate.

Yep. Zoloft is my friend. Just because I'm taking it now doesn't mean I will take it forever (one of my fears)... oh, I think "clinically" PPD occurs up to 36 months pp? Maybe 24? Some random, arbitrary round number

[Peppermint Poppies]

Some of my thoughts when I had PPD with DS were:
- how do people survive this? How do people survive until their baby is xyz months old? I can't survive another hour
- why do people congratulate pregnant mums? It's a huge conspiracy ... everybody knows that having a baby is torture, but they just tell you lies (incidentally, I also had urges to run up to pregnant ladies in the street and 'burst their bubble' by telling them how awful it was going to be)
- maybe my mum can adopt DS.
- I'm so embarrassed. I spent all that money on IVF, and this is the worst thing in the whole world. What was I thinking? I didn't want this at all.
- thoughts about how my life would be if DS was no longer alive
- wanting to have another baby immediately so that I could 'get it right this time'

Currently:
- believing that there are just people out there not meant to be parents, who don't like their children, and that I am one of those people
- that things are never going to get better
- that my mindset is totally controlled by the behaviour of my toddler
- that I have to go back to work because I just can't stand being home with them any longer (and I have always dreamed of being a SAHM, so this is a weird thought for me)
- that I can't AP or GD because my toddler is so wild. Only people with superhuman patience and compliant children can AP/GD. And, on the same note, that I have no control over my behaviour/thoughts/impulses
- feelings of absolute rage
- my son stroking my arm and telling me he loves me actually makes my skin crawl because I crave personal space (what kind of mother would think this? I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve to have an affectionate child)

You know what, until I read this thread, I had thought my PPD was caused by my son's behaviour. But reading the responses and writing my own has made me realise that my PPD is something that I need to take responsibility for, not blame my son for. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about this at our next appointment. I always tell her that I'm fine, but really, I'm not.

[Litcrit]

Originally Posted by Peppermint Poppies

Some of my thoughts when I had PPD with DS were:
- how do people survive this? How do people survive until their baby is xyz months old? I can't survive another hour
- why do people congratulate pregnant mums? It's a huge conspiracy ... everybody knows that having a baby is torture, but they just tell you lies (incidentally, I also had urges to run up to pregnant ladies in the street and 'burst their bubble' by telling them how awful it was going to be)
- thoughts about how my life would be if DS was no longer alive

Currently:
- believing that there are just people out there not meant to be parents, who don't like their children, and that I am one of those people
- that things are never going to get better
- that I have to go back to work because I just can't stand being home with them any longer (and I have always dreamed of being a SAHM, so this is a weird thought for me)
- feelings of absolute rage
- my son stroking my arm and telling me he loves me actually makes my skin crawl because I crave personal space (what kind of mother would think this? I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve to have an affectionate child)

Yes, all these too. And feeling SORRY for all the pregnant women and mothers with children I saw in the streets, up to the point of CRYING for them... and then noticing their smiles... and cuddles with their babies.

I also thought, once I got much better and my child was a toddler, that PPD was all gone and I was now just a selfish, evil person who's not really fit to be a mother. Until I got some estrogen back into my system and suddenly got back to normal