I need some encouragement for birthing at hospital

[simonboy'smommy]

I'm having a hard time accepting going to the hospital for my birth. I have always wanted to birth at home and wish so bad for it this time. DH doesn't feel good about staying home, so I've hired a doula and written a birth plan this time. We both know more of what to expect and he knows how to speak up for me this time. Also, I know what to ask him to help me through it.

Anyway, I've kept pretty positive until recently when the "oink flu" as I call it swept through our area. The hospital won't allow anyone under the age 18 enter the hospital, much less the women's center. So now my little boy won't be allowed to be with us at the birth. I know it's freakin' stupid (they mean well) but they've had women giving birth there who have the flu. I don't see why they can't just have him wear a mask and at least come there to the room for an hour. Anyway, that's got me crying every day and also I'm worried about the baby getting sick. I don't want him in the nursery at all. I won't go anywhere near the hospital now to avoid sickness and it seems insane that I'm going to actually go there to have my baby who is so protected now.

So anyway, that's the deal. I just need some general encouragement/ positive hospital birth stories kind of stuff. I'm just stuck in a funk about it and can't get out. I talked to dh about everything tonight which included a lot of crying on my part. I just want to look forward to the birth and I'm having a tough time doing that when I think about us being separated as a family.
I guess I'm hormonal and pretty tired too. That doesn't help.

[elanorh]

I have had two very nice hospital births which were natural, no interventions (except for the IV of abx which my heart condition requires), and included delayed clamping of the cord with #2. The reason my births have gone so well is that I have a good, natural-birth supportive/midwife-minded OB, and also (per his guidance as well as what I've read here), I wait until we're very far along in our labor before going to the hospital. I've also been lucky to have two nurses who were not pushy about me having a natural labor (supportive in fact).

If you have a trustworthy birth attendant, a good doula, and a husband who's able to advocate for you, it's more likely you'll have the sort of birth you want at a hospital. Make sure you talk to your attendant (OB or CNM) about your birth plan, and be firm about keeping your baby with you at all times. If you're not doing any of the shots, they should be able to do all the tasks they 'have' to do with the baby right there with you. Even if you ARE, they may be able to do them in your room rather than the nursery. And you can refuse their 'bath' of the baby (I've read that some hospitals won't allow the baby in the nursery if the family won't let them bathe the baby) --- there are some interesting threads about this on this forum (waiting to bathe the babe 'til you get home or longer, or doing it yourself in your room rather than having the nurses do it). If you've got your Ped and OB on board for your requests (whether or not they think they're warranted), then that will help, too. I was on an elimination diet when dd2 was born due to her older sister's allergies; Ped and OB were both very happy about that, and supported it with staff. And OB doesn't really think delayed cord clamping is a big deal either way, but when a nurse tried to give me pit afterwards, was very clear about the fact that neither he nor I wanted it, and not to bill us for it, etc. etc.

All that said - if it's possible for you to switch to a homebirth at this point (that is, if there are homebirth midwives in your area) - it's not too late for you and your dh to change your minds and switch to that sort of practice. I think that concerns over hospital infections of H1N1 and other diseases are no small factor to consider. If there were a homebirth midwife option where I live, I would opt for a homebirth. It's not an option for me where I live, so I make the best of my options.

Has your dh watched The Business of Being Born yet? Ironically, dh was quite opposed to homebirth, but we've talked through it to the point where if it were an option here, we'd be having one (I know it would be an option if I wanted to UC, but neither of us is up for a UC at this point).

Good luck, however this works out for you.

[simonboy'smommy]

Thank you!
Actually I meant to order "The Business of Being Born" a few days ago. Thanks for reminding me. It would be good for us to watch together regardless of where we end up.

The cool thing is that I asked our midwife about changing our minds at the last minute and she keeps everything with her and said whatever we want to do is fine. My dream is that everything is going well and somehow we end up staying at home. Somehow.....

[Kelly1101]

I had a very good hospital birth: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...110&highlight=

It wasn't completely without intervention... I had an IV for GBS, and I was augmented with pitocin. But no epidural, and a wonderful experience with the staff and hospital policy.

Make sure to have a lot of conversation with your doula so that ya'll are on the same page. I didn't have an official doula, but my mother acted as one. Her knowing what I needed, without me needing to tell her, was incredibly helpful.

Make sure that you've gone over hospital policy (in terms of nursery, newborn procedures, anything like that) not only during a tour, but with your doula, your partner, AND your ob/mw. Find out what they normally do, and where they would compromise if necessary, far in advance. You may not get everything you want, but if you can reach happy compromises beforehand, at least you'll be mentally prepared for how things will happen.

If you'll be trying without epidural-- Because the nurses knew when I came in that I was trying for no epidural, I got the cool nurse who loves mothers who lamaze. She was absolutely incredible. So supportive and helpful for getting through the pain. Tell your doula to ask at the nursing station "who wants the no-epidural mom." There will probably be a few of them who'd jump at it.

It's absolutely possible to have a positive experience at the hospital. Yes, you may have to compromise more than at home. But keeping flexible, keeping VOCAL about your wishes, and having a lot of support to back you up when you are focused on labor and can't speak for yourself, will make all the difference in the world. I wish you luck, and let us know how it goes.

[kjenkins55]

Despite having Pregnancy-Induced Hypertension that came on at 28 weeks, cord wrapped twice around baby's neck, and lots of fears on how that would play out ( small baby, preeclampsia, c-section, etc) I had a wonderful hospital birth experience. I went in with lots of fears of the staff. I was absolutely sure they'd be pushy and not respectful my 'crunchy' requests. But apparently my CNM has worked in our hospital long enough that the nursing staff understands her patients are a little weird! I had one nurse in particular who went above and beyond in helping me manuver into various positions to help baby get into correct position and thus avoid a c-section. The staff in the room were truly excited when I delivered- we didn't find out baby's sex and they had been guessing all night as to if baby would be boy/girl. No one hassled me about not getting certain shots, or about baby rooming in.

If a homebirth works out for you, that's wonderful! But if you have to be at the hospital, know that its not always doom and gloom- and sometimes, it can even be good

[etsdtm99]

i had 2 hospital births - the 2nd much better than the first even though it was an induction and that sucked.. it was the best induction i could envision.. i didn't have a doula - just me and DH repeating everything to every nurse .. which was annoying,but it worked. they had to call my OB, who was on call, several times to check to make sure she had approved what i said.. which was also annoying.. but again, it worked. with a doula i'm sure you won't have to personally deal with that stuff as much .

i also told them from the moment i got there that i wanted no separation from the baby. no.matter.what. the baby did not leave my room except to walk down to the nursery to get weighed because the scale was attached to the counter and cuoldn't be moved, DH went with him, and he came right back. i could have gone with him, but didn't feel up to it since they wanted to weigh him in the middle of the night :P we also asked that they delay all the usual weighing and poking for a couple hours after the birth and they gave us 2-3 hours alone in the delivery room which was awesome. at the time, i really enjoyed the hospital stay.. a private room at the end of the hall no demanding 2 year old... though she was allowed to visit.. that would be really upsetting if my kids couldn't come to the hospital ..

anyway.. we are planning a homebirth next time.. i've finally convinced DH (who said absolutely not in a million years last time) he is still scared out of his mind, but he says he trusts me.. i just want this next birth to be less of a fight ..

[alegna]

I'm going to encourage you to birth where YOU want to birth. It's your body, your call.

Either of my homebirths would have been sections if I'd set foot in a hospital.

-Angela

[thefreckledmama]

The possibility of my children not being allowed at the hospital was what really brought the idea of a home birth front and center for us (among countless other reasons). I didn't want to have to worry about making sure they were taken care of while I was giving birth. Another primary reason was not wanting to have a newborn in a germ infested hospital-even if s/he never left my room, s/he still encounters doctors and nurses that had been in contact with countless others from other areas of the hospital (elevators, cafeteria, etc.), and whatever germs they carry. No, thank you!

You can also watch "The Business of Being Born" for a lot less than buying (and no wait time) directly from the website for a small fee.

[simonboy'smommy]

Thanks everybody!

Actually about the documentary: I discovered that I can buy and download it for like $6 off of Amazon. Maybe we will watch it tonight.

One of you mentioned being VOCAL...last time I just kind of gave into stuff. This time I'm going to make sure I speak out and talk to my doula etc so she knows how to help me. I got to the point that I felt so yucky (pain) and I felt embarrased that I didn't do what I needed to to be comfortable etc. For example: I arrived at the hospital 7cm. The IV guy came in and got my IV put in so I could have what I thought was just fluid to keep me from dehydrating. It was pitocin!!! Had we asked what it was we could have refused it. Especially during pushing I was soooo hot. This time I'm packing my little "pregnant" fan as I call it (one of my best friends who will become my menopause fan if it lasts that long lol) and shoot, if I'm hot I'm throwing that gown off. Actually, I packed a bra in case I do want covered, but want to stay cool. I'm going naked if I feel like it.

Yeah, I worry about the pediatrician even getting him sick. I love the one we picked out, but I mean really, she's going back and forth between her office (where she probably saw up to 10 kids with swine flu) to the hospital... We have been staying home about 3 weeks now to avoid getting sick. No store, no church etc. So when I go to my ob visits I'm thinking "Great he's probably the one who'll get me sick, bringing stuff back from the hospital" What can you do?

One thing I'm going to work on today is send a copy of my birth plan and a note to our pediatrician asking her about specifics like leaving the hospital early, not taking baby to the nursery etc. That way she has a heads up and hopefully will make things go smoothly.

I know if ds can't come to the hospital it's not the end of the world, but it kills me just the same. And dh doesn't seem as bothered by it (he's not the mommy!!) and it makes me resent him that he doesn't feel as upset. Does that make sense?

Anyway, sorry to write a book. Just trying to get it all out!

[SunShineSally]

I am due a few days after you are and I am also freaking out because my boy is not 14 so he cannot visit his new brother and me dh understands why they are keeping younger children away but to me the mothers and adults can bring just as much to the hospital if not more than the children !!! Also my OB will not sign me out early the earliest he will sign me out is 24 hours!!!!! so a PP mama is supposed to be seperated that long from her first born who is a huge mama's boy?!!! sorry for the vent I understand how you feel I want my whole family there not just some of us! I am tearing up typeing this so I will stop!

[simonboy'smommy]

Sunshinesally:
I'm so sorry. It really sucks doesn't it? It is so upsetting. It was hard enough thinking about how we couldn't be together as a family the first night, but this was just a major blow. I know it will be ok. We will have a lot of time together once we get home, but I know how emotional I was and how protective I felt of my first baby after the birth. I know it will be intense again. I'm going to want to be with and protect both of them you know?

I was going to make sure I got a phone number for a counselor my friend went to in case I have postpartum problems. I'm feeling like I need it already. Ugh. I just feel like I'm spiraling down worse and worse. Maybe if I get more rest tonight it will help. I wish I could be more relaxed about everything, but I feel all worked up. The posts have helped though. It'll be fine, but I feel terrible right now.

[SunShineSally]

It does suck!! I know for me I have prenatal depression and this is not helping it at all!! I was all fine and stress free for a long time and then I get the blow! it also makes me extra worried about PPD. Dh was going to have him and Ds sleep at the hospital with baby and me so that we could spend the first night together! I know most people have said to me ohh it will be nice just you and Dh and baby can bond... well we want to bond as a whole family not a particle family bonding. I would do a homebirth except there are no homebirth midwives here they all deliver in hospitals I do feel better and a little less nutty that someone else feels the same way about this but I am also sorry that someone else feels this way! Try relaxation that is what I have been doing.

[simonboy'smommy]

Well, here it is 4:25am and I should be sleeping but....I kept having contractions so I got up. They seem to be dying down now. This started at 12:00am! So much for getting rest and maintaining my mental stability lol! I'll just have to nap a lot during the day

So sorry you are dealing with the same thing. I'm on another board and one of the moms has the same situation with her little boy not being able to be at the hospital. So I guess that is a common thing this year that a lot of moms and dads are upset about. We're not the only ones!!

My mom said that she had an awful time being separated from us kids when she had my brother and sisters. So I think it's normal. I think for my mental well-being I'm going to have to just calm down and accept it realizing that my feelings are normal, but that everything will be fine. I have a place where I am comfortable for my son to spend the night so that's ok. If I didn't I would make dh go stay with him at home! and have my mom or someone stay with me at the hospital.

Everything will work out ok Hope my posts don't make it worse!

[Doberbrat]

is a birth center an option? another hospital perhaps?

further discussions w/dh?

its hard - there is a huge part of me that would love a hb but its just not an option for a whole host of reasons including medical so I havent let mysef get attached to the concept.

but if you feel strongly about it, it might be a big regret.

otoh, I can say that I had a pretty medicalized hospital birth and it was fine. no seperation until baby came down w/jaundice. great birth nurse, good postpartum care (ie, I was left alone pretty much)

[jecombs]

I am dealing with same situation with my hospital. I am not due until May, so I hope it will change between now and then. I also have issues with being separated from my DD (age 2) if she is not allowed to visit me at the hospital. My plan is to ask for early release. I want to leave 6-12 hrs after this baby is born, as long as it is an uncomplicated and unmedicated birth, like my DD. If my MW will not agree, I plan to sign-out AMA. Hopefully she will agree to it! Maybe early release would be an option for you too?

Luckily, in other aspects my hospital is pretty baby-friendly, so I don't have to worry about the new baby being sent to the nursery and exposed to tons of germs. And I will make sure that anyone who touches LO has washed their hands (in front of me) first. We are also going to BF, so that will help protect against all the germs too! I'm just trying to focus on what I can control, instead of the rediculous hosptial policy that I can't control.

[*MamaJen*]

So you've already been seeing a midwife who does homebirths? Have a homebirth.

[DeChRi]

I have had two hospital births, first one stunk, second was great. With #1 I went in guns blazing ready to fight everything. #2, I calmly knew what I did and didnt want and made an effort to quickly get the nursing staff "on my side" instead of raging against them. I found that starting with a non-defensive and confident attitude on what I would and would not accept, really got them working with me vs against me. Now, you may have to get snippy, but I had a much better birth by recruiting the nurses the second time around. (Could have also been better nurses, but I think it just starts on a much better foundation if you end up there for a bit).

[tessie]

Originally Posted by alegna

Either of my homebirths would have been sections if I'd set foot in a hospital.

-Angela

With the greatest of respect I don't think that was a particularly comforting thing to say to a mama who might have to have a hospital birth. Plus it's likely inaccurate.

To the OP, I hope you can find a way to have a good birth, whatever way that might be. I had a hospital birth (without a section) and think it was a pretty positive experience. Sometimes I think we put a little too much emphasis on the birth experience and we should give ourselves a break from trying to have the 'perfect' birth because when it doesn't go to plan (and sometimes it just doesn't despite doing everything 'right') down that path madness lies.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by jecombs

I'm just trying to focus on what I can control, instead of the rediculous hosptial policy that I can't control.

Sometimes that's all you can do. And I think that realizing this, will always make for a better experience-- especially if all the details are worked out with your OB/MW in advance.

Originally Posted by DeChRi

I have had two hospital births, first one stunk, second was great. With #1 I went in guns blazing ready to fight everything. #2, I calmly knew what I did and didnt want and made an effort to quickly get the nursing staff "on my side" instead of raging against them. I found that starting with a non-defensive and confident attitude on what I would and would not accept, really got them working with me vs against me. Now, you may have to get snippy, but I had a much better birth by recruiting the nurses the second time around. (Could have also been better nurses, but I think it just starts on a much better foundation if you end up there for a bit).

There's a lot of wisdom in this. The majority of nurses do not want to make you miserable just for the hell of it. And there are LOTS of nurses who like and respect natural childbirth, and will support you in that-- definitely if, as I said before, your partner or doula lets the nurse's station know that's the plan, so that you can get a NCB-supportive nurse.

Originally Posted by tessie

With the greatest of respect I don't think that was a particularly comforting thing to say to a mama who might have to have a hospital birth. Plus it's likely inaccurate.

Agreed.

Go in with knowledge, confidence, and a good support team, and you won't be some doctor-abuse horror story.

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

So you've already been seeing a midwife who does homebirths? Have a homebirth.

I think she said in her original post that her husband isn't comfortable with a homebirth.

[cappuccinosmom]

About your son: I totally understand the sadness not having him there. But IMO the hospital isn't doing it to spite you personally or make you miserable, but because his age puts him at risk and because they have liability concerns that restrict what they can allow to happen within their building.

I had all three of my births at hospitals. The first was moderately miserable because I just didn't know *anything* about birth. I went along with whatever the doc said. Stadol sucks, too.

The second and third, I had a wonderful midwife practice but got bumped out of the birth center when I went over 42 weeks and my babies were determined to be very large. The third one was also highly active even at 40 weeks and they were concerned he'd wind up breech.

Anyhoo...those two births were as nice as I could have expected delivering in a hospital. The "worst" aspect was probably having to spend time in those awful, uncomortable labor/delivery beds. Made my rear and my back hurt so bad.

The midwives attended the births. The backup doctors were *horrid* but I never saw them during the deliveries. I waited as long as I could reasonably wait before we even started driving to the hospital, and both times I arrived at 7-8 cm and feeling pushy. There wasn't much for anyone to do after that, except catch the baby. I conceded to a heplock, said no to an IV, let them do intermittent monitoring as they felt was needed. I labored and pushed mostly on hands and knees, leaning against the back of the hospital bed. Because I stood my ground about induction or messing with things prior to the births (that was really pushed because I went past dates), I think the hospital folks figured it wouldn't be worthwhile to bother trying to get me to agree to anything so close to delivering the baby. The midwives were great and totally sympathetic and sweet.

I think the best thing you can do if you end up going to the hospital is to labor at home as long as you safely can. If you can either learn to check your cervix, or get your dh to do it (or have the midwife come in and do it for you), you can avoid going in and getting stuck there at 3 cm, kwim?