So much has happened

[Talula Fairie]

This has been a rollorcoaster of a post partum. My friend flew out to help after the birth....and let's just say now we are not friends anymore.

Then I had this nasty reaction to my bf-safe med, Haldol. It's called akethesia and it's really horrible, basically like restless leg syndrome and a panic attack combined. It's a known side effect, but it was so horrific I had to stop taking the med and go on something else. Which didn't work. And my bipolar flared up from my brain chemistry getting screwed up stopping the Haldol, not to mention being hormonal/post partum. I was hospitalized and ended up going on Lithium, which is not nursing safe.

I never thought that *I* would not nurse. If I hadn't happened to read a thread on another forum about formula feeding awhile back, I probably wouldn't have even known how to do it. I am a huge breastfeeding advocate, organized nurse ins, may even become a lactation consultant in the future. So this is a big blow.

I know I did the right thing for my mental health, and for my family...but I feel so guilty. I keep thinking 'well what if I'd tried this med or that med' but the reality is I have been on everything and nothing else works. I have been white knuckling my sanity for five years, and in '08 I finally cracked twice...then got pregnant. Luckily I have a remission of symptoms while pregnant for the most part but not post partum.

I'm feeling better now but it's tough, it's just tough. I'm still not used to formula and it'll probably be awhile before I am. Even though I was having nursing problems (don't even get me started on that one), I am still sad about not nursing.

[JuniperMama]

I haven't been on MDC in weeks and weeks and just happened to drop in tonight.

Just wanted to give you big huge hugs. We have a lot of bipolar in my family and I get how difficult it can be. Although breastfeeding is very important, having a sane and healthy mama is much more important. You are doing all that you can to be happy and healthy and to take good care of your family. In the end, your girls and your hubby will thank you.

Sending you much love. Hang in there babe. You'll be ok. I'm proud of you for doing what it takes.

[StrongFeather]

ddc crashing, but wanted to say hang in there! you are doing what is best for your family and yourself! Take care of yourself so you can take care of everybody that depends on you, especially your LO.

[Abraisme]

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I can offer a hug.

Have you looked into donated breastmilk? There is a Yahoo group MilkShare that helps bring donors and babies together. I donate my extra breastmilk to a lady that also can't nurse because of a medication. There are a lot of people out there willing to do the same. At least if you can't nurse her she could get the right food for her little body.

Good luck!

[maddymama]

HUGS Lindsay,
Bipolar is TOUGH... it runs in my in-law's family and I know that the right medication makes all the difference. JuniperMama posted some smart words about needing a healthy mama more than one who can BF. Listen to her. :-)
I know that not BFing is tough, but it sounds like you BF for a bit before you had to stop, which you can take some consolation in. Also, you tried, which is more than many mamas do. I don't think anyone blames/should make a mama feel bad who TRIED to BF and couldn't for medical reasons.
Can you create a feeding ritual which will help you bond with your LO? Like sing a certain song only when you give a bottle? You get to drink some special tea or something?
Good luck!
~maddymama

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by Abraisme

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I can offer a hug.

Have you looked into donated breastmilk? There is a Yahoo group MilkShare that helps bring donors and babies together. I donate my extra breastmilk to a lady that also can't nurse because of a medication. There are a lot of people out there willing to do the same. At least if you can't nurse her she could get the right food for her little body.

Good luck!

I have. My local LLL leader has my name and phone number, she said sometimes she gets calls from mamas who have breastmilk to donate.

I may also have a friend or two who can send me some, but shipping on milk is expensive so who knows.

I need to do milk share, thanks for the reminder! I have been so overwhelmed I keep forgetting to join.

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by maddymama

HUGS Lindsay,
Bipolar is TOUGH... it runs in my in-law's family and I know that the right medication makes all the difference. JuniperMama posted some smart words about needing a healthy mama more than one who can BF. Listen to her. :-)
I know that not BFing is tough, but it sounds like you BF for a bit before you had to stop, which you can take some consolation in. Also, you tried, which is more than many mamas do. I don't think anyone blames/should make a mama feel bad who TRIED to BF and couldn't for medical reasons.
Can you create a feeding ritual which will help you bond with your LO? Like sing a certain song only when you give a bottle? You get to drink some special tea or something?
Good luck!
~maddymama

Well I always feed her while holding her really close, just like as if we were nursing. And she gets lots of skin to skin contact when I wear her in the sling, which is more often than not. I am not too terribly worried about our bonding per se, I guess I just feel...I don't know, it doesn't *feel* right to me to formula feed because I am so used to breastfeeding, I mean, I bf both my other kids well into toddlerhood. My second was nursed for 2.5 years.

I still do things like....go out and forget to bring a bottle. I'm used to always having food for the baby without having to think about it.

[texaspeach]

I am proud of you for taking care of yourself lindsay.

[maddymama]

I guess bonding isn't the word I was looking for...... I was thinking of something special you could do while FF your LO so you would look forward to it and it would be positive and speical instead of "Oh, I'm not nursing you..." Make sense?
LOL, I'd forget the bottle, too...... if it were me!
~maddymama

[sunshynbaby]

I'm so sorry about the breastfeeding situation. I'm having problems going without meds for my anxiety issues, and I can not even imagine going without them for bipolar. Kudos to you for even attempting that. You are right that a mentally stable mommy is the very best, nurturing thing you can give your baby, above and beyond breastfeeding or anything else. You are doing the right thing!!!

[momoftworedheads]

First of all, huge hugs to you and your LO!

I think a big part of being a good mama is taking care of your own health as well, so do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You need to be healthy for your children!

For starters, could mamas send you milk? So many people have oversupply and pump for milk banks. I think that given your circumstances, maybe you could start a site and get donations for the shipping? Or start local and expand? Just thoughts here.

When you bottle feed, I still think you can have special things you do like bottle feed skin to skin, for you to be the primary feeder of your baby. You could also use the bottles for bfed babies if that would help (breastflow, adiri nurser, etc)

You are an awesome mama! Please take care and keep posting!

Hugs,

Jen

[Michigan Mama]

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by momoftworedheads

First of all, huge hugs to you and your LO!

I think a big part of being a good mama is taking care of your own health as well, so do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You need to be healthy for your children!

For starters, could mamas send you milk? So many people have oversupply and pump for milk banks. I think that given your circumstances, maybe you could start a site and get donations for the shipping? Or start local and expand? Just thoughts here.

When you bottle feed, I still think you can have special things you do like bottle feed skin to skin, for you to be the primary feeder of your baby. You could also use the bottles for bfed babies if that would help (breastflow, adiri nurser, etc)

You are an awesome mama! Please take care and keep posting!

Hugs,

Jen

A milk bank is totally out of the question, the money would be way more than we can afford. I already mentioned that I put myself on the list for donated milk with my local LLL leader, so if anyone calls her, she'll give me their milk.

I'll join milkshare but I'm really not feeling optimistic. People don't realize how hard it is to get donated milk. They act like it's this easy option and it isn't.

[Amanda Williams]

Your little one is so lucky to have you, L!
I've missed seeing you around here!

[Mamabeakley]

Lindsay, I'm glad you came on to let us know how you're doing. That can be really hard to do when it's not all pink cloudy. And I'm glad you are taking care of yourself, whatever it takes.

I know that as a 3rd time mom I struggle some with how each of my children have gotten something different from me - why couldn't I give ALL of them the best parts of what I have been able to give EACH of them? But I know I am and was doing the best I can/could in each case.

I hope someday your girls will admire you for being strong enough to do what you have to do to care for them!

[Lacrymosa]

Hey Lindsey, yeah haven't heard from you on awhile on here or on facebook.

I am going through something entirely too similar and haven't been able to breastfeed since 2 months post partum. I STILL feel guilty and sad about it at 4 months, and I never mentioned it here on MDC because already everyone I run into or have mentioned it to (in person) have given me more of a guilt trip and tell me what a disservice I am doing my child and how I should have breastfed no matter what. Society is extremely judgemental when a woman isn't breastfeeding no matter what the reason.. I held off taking the medication as long as I could but me and John both eventually decided it was important I take care of myself so I could better take care of Asia.

Obviously I still have extreme feelings of guilt and regret.. it's really hard and I think I will always feel bad about my choice and feel like I made the wrong one. Anyways.. Just wanted to let you know I kind of know what you're going through.

And yes.. we have looked into getting donated breastmilk and it is MUCH harder than people think.

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by Lacrymosa

Hey Lindsey, yeah haven't heard from you on awhile on here or on facebook.

I am going through something entirely too similar and haven't been able to breastfeed since 2 months post partum. I STILL feel guilty and sad about it at 4 months, and I never mentioned it here on MDC because already everyone I run into or have mentioned it to (in person) have given me more of a guilt trip and tell me what a disservice I am doing my child and how I should have breastfed no matter what. Society is extremely judgemental when a woman isn't breastfeeding no matter what the reason.. I held off taking the medication as long as I could but me and John both eventually decided it was important I take care of myself so I could better take care of Asia.

Obviously I still have extreme feelings of guilt and regret.. it's really hard and I think I will always feel bad about my choice and feel like I made the wrong one. Anyways.. Just wanted to let you know I kind of know what you're going through.

And yes.. we have looked into getting donated breastmilk and it is MUCH harder than people think.

I'm sorry you are going through this too, though it is nice to know I'm not alone.

[GradysMom]

i just wanna offer my codolences regarding the lost friendship. I find those upheavals in life very difficult - it is always much easier to drift apart.

two mo of breastmilk is a wonderful gift... and i have a bipolar mom who doesn't take care of herself or her mental state... what you've had to do is really such a huge gift to your family - keep it up!

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by GradysMom

i just wanna offer my codolences regarding the lost friendship. I find those upheavals in life very difficult - it is always much easier to drift apart.

two mo of breastmilk is a wonderful gift... and i have a bipolar mom who doesn't take care of herself or her mental state... what you've had to do is really such a huge gift to your family - keep it up!

Thank you. That part was hard and I'm sure it was a major contributor to me going in...I was really betrayed I felt and incredibly hurt.

[Abraisme]

Originally Posted by Talula Fairie

A milk bank is totally out of the question, the money would be way more than we can afford. I already mentioned that I put myself on the list for donated milk with my local LLL leader, so if anyone calls her, she'll give me their milk.

I'll join milkshare but I'm really not feeling optimistic. People don't realize how hard it is to get donated milk. They act like it's this easy option and it isn't.

In retrospect I could see that.. I did have 5-6 responses for people that wanted my extra milk. I ended up choosing the youngest child because it was such a hard choice to make (the baby was 3m when I started donating to him). Keep trying, even if it is hard, it's not impossible. Good luck!

ETA: I pump an extra 12-14oz a day so it's not enough to feed him exclusive bm. However, some is better none.