Attachment parenting clashes with school, and teacher forcing play

[lovetomom]

Hi Mamas,
I have a 7yr old, happy DD. She just switched schools and is slow to warm by nature. I have shared this with her teacher. We came from a school that was very parent friendly and my DD was comfortable and happy in the presence of many parents. New school has no parents around and in fact, when I came to visit once, her teacher told DD not to talk to me, because it wouldn't help her make friends. Also, DD enjoys playing solo in the park and plays with kids sometimes too. She loves talking with the other teachers. DD dreads the day her teacher is on duty because she forces DD to play with random kids. DD doesn't feel comfortable talking to her teacher. Nor do I really! But I think I have to say something. Any advice welcome.

[staceychev]

I don't know what to tell you, but if you have the chance to read (even to skim), I can't recommend Hold on to Your Kids enough. It's about how our culture has become more peer-peer attachment oriented and less child-adult attachment oriented, and how to preserve attachments if you have them, and reclaim attachments when you don't. It sounds like this teacher has bought into the peer-attachment culture a little too much! (As have many of us, since we all pretty much grew up in a peer-oriented culture.)

I hope someone has some ideas for you, because that sounds like a lousy situation.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by lovetomom

DD dreads the day her teacher is on duty because she forces DD to play with random kids. DD doesn't feel comfortable talking to her teacher. Nor do I really! But I think I have to say something. Any advice welcome.

Drop the teacher an email and tell her very nicely that this isn't helpful to your DD and is making recess stressful. I like email for this kind of thing because it gives you a chance to think through what you say, and then time to process however they respond without having to come up with it right on your feet.

However the teacher responds, your DD will know that you stood up for her, and that will help her. She'll feel supported and heared.

[SunshineJ]

Excuse me but your dd's teacher told her not to talk to you? From what I've seen at my kids schools, all the kids LOVE it when a parent comes to visit, even if it's not their parent. The kids tend to flock to the parent and consequently, to the child belonging to that parent. And forcing her to play with kids she doesn't know? She seems a little past the age of arranged playdates, kwim? I would definitely say something to the teacher, written in a letter, to the effect that dd has informed you of these things and you feel they are inappropriate for your dd's personality and you are communicating your desire for these things to stop now. It may get rough on your dd if the teacher gets pissy about it, at which point you can take it straight to the principal. Honestly, how do you feel about the teacher otherwise? If there's just a large personality conflict overall I'd discuss switching her teacher with the principal. This teacher isn't doing anything to help your DD's self esteem with these moves.

[Emmeline II]

When I go to have lunch with my K son, he sits on my lap unprompted and the other children like to talk to me!

You can tell your dd she has your permission to say "no, thank you" when the teacher tries to force play, and you can tell/e-mail the teacher that you have instructed your dd to do this. My son was a solo player the first month of school; the teacher was concerned about it (he was like this in class as well) but did not force ds into anything.

This teacher has issues.

[lovetomom]

thank you

Boy, it's great to hear from like minded people. Thank you for your responses, I feel validated!
I have read "Hold onto your Kids" and love it. My experience visiting at lunch last year was also really positive. It always seemed like a win-win-win situation for my kid, other kids and me!
I do not have positive feelings about the teacher and wish I could switch classes or even speak to the administration. This school is private and run by what I would now call, a strange group of very defensive people, who, from what I have heard, are not open or responsive to any criticism, let alone differing opinions.
I questioned the violent incident policy by email at the beginning of the year, and I saw in the teachers response to me that she circulated my email throughout the school and since then she is slightly pissy with me. For that reason, I think I should bring this stuff up in person, at parent teacher interview this week. I don't want to make the relationship b/w her and DD more difficult, but I do need to speak up for my kid, and her needs. Any other ideas, are more than welcome. I really appreciate your feedback.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by lovetomom

I do not have positive feelings about the teacher and wish I could switch classes or even speak to the administration. This school is private and run by what I would now call, a strange group of very defensive people, who, from what I have heard, are not open or responsive to any criticism, let alone differing opinions.

Is this school your only choice? If this is the culture of the school, it doesn't look like either of you will be particularly happy there.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by lovetomom

I questioned the violent incident policy by email at the beginning of the year, and I saw in the teachers response to me that she circulated my email throughout the school and since then she is slightly pissy with me.

Did you have a thread about that when it happened? I think I remember it!

I agree that you should never ever email the crazy teacher.

[lovetomom]

culture

I agree that the culture of this school doesn't suit us but I think we would experience it differently if we had a better teacher. We also just moved so, I am hesitant to push another change, given the unknown nature of other options as well.
Do schools allow you to change teachers mid-way? Do people have experience with this? How would you go about it, given my understanding of the administration.

[Aeress]

Oop,s just re-read the OP, my advice wouldn't help.