or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Would you apologize?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Would you apologize? - Page 2

post #21 of 50
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
"I'm sorry you didn't think things through.. that must suck" Probably isn't the apology he was hoping for.
Yeah that's probably akin to any apology he'd get over here. If you HADN'T pointed out that you would need to arrange a ride home for him if he had after school activities it would be different and I could actually grant him some leeway on this one. But, well, you did point it out and he spaced it and that really must suck for him.
post #22 of 50
My son is only twelve and is starting to do things like that. I can ask him a question but since I didn't ask him in a particular way then I may not get the right answer. I don't think you have anything to apologize for and it will probably make him think it through next time.
post #23 of 50
Any chance of a "I'm sorry we had a miscommunication and that meant you had no ride. Let's try to figure out how we can keep this from happening again." kind of talk?
post #24 of 50
Originally Posted by vegemamato View Post
I wouldn't apologize, but I would express to him that I understand his feelings and frustration. He is old enough to take responsibility, and you are not at fault.

I like the idea of discussing how the two of you can prevent this from happening again.. He is 15- this is a good lesson to learn, even if he doesn't get it
That exactly.
post #25 of 50
He's 15, why can't he arrange his own ride home? Was there nobody on the team he could have asked to give him a ride?
post #26 of 50
He didn't tell you that he needed a ride.

He didn't take the initiative and tell his friends that he needed a ride.

He walked 5 miles home.

5 miles isn't gonna kill a kid on swim team. It might even help with his endurance .

He suffered the natural consequence of his failure to communicate with you.

That being said, I would say that I was sorry he had to walk home, and work with him on a plan for him to communicate his schedule better so you can avoid this.

Have y'all tried something like Google Calendar? It's what dh and I use to keep our schedules in order. I have one for work (that dh can see, so that he doesn't ask me to do things during times when I teach), and we have one for the family. Dh also has a work one, that he doesn't share with me because 99% of the time it's irrelevant. When dh has a meeting that will impact me, he puts it in the family calendar. (Each person's calendar is a different color too, which helps.)

I like it because if dh puts his meetings in the calendar, then I know to be home. If he forgets, then he's responsible for organizing child care. You could work out something with your son. If the event is in the calendar at least 48 hours in advance, you'll work out transportation. If it's not, that's his job.
post #27 of 50
I'd laugh in his face. And then apologize for that as in "I'm sorry it was mean to laugh, but seriously dude, I ASKED if you had practice, get over it."
post #28 of 50
Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree View Post
Dealing with grumpy teens isn't fun, is it?

I agree with everyone who says you should validate his feelings, but I wouldn't apologize. You tried to avoid the problem, asked him directly about his schedule and reminded him that a ride might need to be arranged.

You shouldn't apologize for working, or having one car, or not being able to read his mind (even if you are a mom and it's expected, lol!). Having to walk home is a natural consequence of not being organized and not paying attention.

It's a learning opportunity. Agree with him that it's too bad there was a communication problem. Talk to him about how to avoid it in the future. Ask him to come up with some solutions.

Hopefully, the memory of the 5 mile walk will motivate him to take a little more responsibility for communication and organization. If you assume that responsibility instead, you're cheating him of a growth experience.

Good luck (as mom to 2 teens, I have a lot of sympathy)!
post #29 of 50
heck no I would not apologize. I would also tell my kid to stop whining and carrying on and that if they want to be in afterschool activities it is their job to get it all together and keep it organized. honestly if my kids talked to me like that it would be the end of that activity. You shouldn't have to ask him if he needs a ride nor should you have to play guessing games or go though a list of possible reasons he may need a ride. It is his responsibility to come to you and say "I have this tonight, how can I get there and back? Can you help me figure something out?" and the whole blaming you for his failings is definitely something I would address if it were my kid. he is 15. not five. Not that I would accept that sort of whining and not taking responsibility from my 5 year old either.
post #30 of 50
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post

His argument is I asked if he had a swim practice. He did not have a practice, he had a meeting and those are two different things.
When my kid says stuff like this, generally what's going on is that she knows she screwed up and is feeling stupid about it, and is irrationally blaming me because she is trying to hold on to her own shreds of self-esteem. It's hard to be a teen sometimes, because making stupid mistakes than an adult would sort of shrug off can feel really huge, and admitting one's own stupidity also feels huge.

So, yeah. I wouldn't apologize, but I would be sympathetic. If my kid was really locked into wanting me to apologize and admit that I was wrong I would disengage from that by sort of restating that I don't feel that it was my responsibility to prevent the situation but I realize that this was a tough afternoon for her and I wish things had worked out differently. My kid would get over it in a day or so, usually, and then a few days later I might bring up ways of preventing future issues, but I'd wait until this was less fresh.
post #31 of 50
I definitely wouldn't apologize.
post #32 of 50

Did he not have a friend on the team that he could catch a ride with? Maybe he should have a back up plan.
post #33 of 50
Oh heck, I used to walk four miles to and from school (each way). Big whoop. I agree with the other posters that you should validate his feelings (but not apologize) and ask him how he wants to work on fixing the problem in the future. Maybe he DOES need a planner.

ETA: I'm wondering - was there no one he could have asked at the meeting to drive him home? Surely someone might have taken pity on him if he'd explained the situation?
post #34 of 50
Thread Starter 
Thanks for your input!

I have not apologized. Sympthized that he did not like the walk. But I really do not feel sorry for him.

I do think his attitude is because he is not wanting to admit his foolish mistake.
post #35 of 50
Oh wow. You guys are not all going to like this, but I would probably stop arranging rides for him altogether. Dude can use the phone. He can arrange his own ride or I would gladly outfit him in whatever wind-cutting winter bike gear he needs and after that he can be part of the solution against juvenile diabetes.

There is a 15 year old in my life who absolutely is horribly disrespectful with his mom about his schedule and when he wants to be picked up where. I got a little taste of it when he was staying with me a couple of weeks ago and had lost his cell phone for running up the bill. He would borrow a phone, make arrangements for me to meet to pick him up, and then not show. Twice. I ended up leaving him and he walked. My own child was late to a private lesson in another city because his world left no room for logistics.
post #36 of 50
No, I wouldn't.
post #37 of 50
OMG, I think I'm married to your son! (I swear, he's insisting that he's 39 years old...)

I have the same conversations with DH ALL THE TIME. It's maddening. And while the logic is correct, he needs to learn what they call "context clues" sometime in 8th grade and get the full meaning of the conversation, not just the words that are actually spoken. I wouldn't apologize, but I would work through his need to use logic when he's out in the world and not be so literal.
post #38 of 50
No, and I don't believe in apologizing for things that aren't my fault, like "I'm sorry you didn't arrage a ride". I might say "I feel bad that you had to walk that far" but sorry? No.
post #39 of 50
Another vote for a 'hah, that've sucked! Maybe next time you'll think for half a second before answering?' Seriously, how is this AT ALL your fault?!?!
post #40 of 50
PLEASE don't feel too bad. As a teacher of kids his age, I beg you to do what you are doing, validate his feelings, and keep holding him to a reasonable standard of responsibility. The kids who learn to take on responsibilities bit by bit, instead of getting bailed out every single time, are so much more delightful AND successful by the time they're wrapping up high school. I know when I failed to arrange for a ride home, at a little bit older than that, I just walked home, too, and just felt a bit stupid for not having taken my bike in the first place. I would never get mad at my mom about that, but then, she never bailed me out when it was my fault with no terrible consequences, so I learned it was on me.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Would you apologize?