Getting the state involved in a private adoption gone wrong? *Update post #25*

[Nicole915]

I'm posting here for my sister-in-law, seeking any wisdom or experience you may have had in similar situations.

Background Information:
My sister-in-law is a healthy 25 year old medical student, who became pregnant as the result of rape (GHB). She is not in a place in terms of her career, finances, emotional well being or support system to keep her child, so she opted for adoption. She found a great lawyer, and did an exhaustive search for adoptive parents, and thought she found the perfect couple. She interviewed them extensively, and the lawyer did everything on his end to make sure things were in order. Two days ago she gave birth to a handsome, perfectly healthy little boy.

The problem became apparent when the adoptive parents left the hospital right after the birth. Apparently the birth father (who is currently paying his debt to society) has some non-Caucasian lineage, which would be difficult to tell from a photo of the father. The baby, however, it is more apparent. The adoptive parents "Can't imagine bonding" to the child now that they know this.

I can't even wrap my head around the fact that there are people out there who look a the world this way, in this day and age. In a way, everyone is glad that the adoptive parents showed their true colors, but it is still very painful.

My sister-in-law would like to contact the other couple that she was strongly considering, but obviously that would take time. She is not comfortable bringing the baby home herself, to then adopt him in the coming weeks or months. There are family members who would certainly help out in the interim, but she's not certain how wise that would be. Her preference is to have him adopted outside the immediate family.

Is this the sort of situation that the state should handle? How much control over the process would she relinquish if she went that route? Would these problems have been identified earlier and avoided in the public system? What can I do to help her (I'm 37 weeks pregnant myself with my first, so caring for the baby seems overwhelming)?

We're in the State of Michigan.

[lamamax3]

I'm not an expert, but why would it take a lot of time to connect with the other adoptive parents she was considering? Most waiting parents I know would move at hyper-speed if they got a call about a baby born situation Has she contacted her lawyer?

As for the original adoptive parents, they sound awful. I do have to wonder why the issue of race never came up, though. If they are that bigoted, then I would think they would make sure their baby was the race they wanted before they did this horrible thing to a young woman at one of the saddest points in her life.

[Calee]

I am so sorry to hear how things have turned out for your sister. That is terrible!

First and foremost, I would NOT get the state involved. She will not have the choices available to her through the state as she will with an agency or attorney. Birthparents do not generally choose a-parents with state adoption.

So, what can she do. Where is the baby now? If the lawyer she was using does not have interm care options, she could contact an agency as many of them DO. This would be a short term option while she chooses a family.

Of course, I personally think that for her to take the baby home while she makes her decision is a good option, but if she is totally against that, her feelings of course must be honored.

[KCMichigan]

I am so sad that it did not work out as your sister had planned.

If she gave birth 2 days ago, I imagine she is still hospitalized (48-72 hours). Some of your options would be

1. contact a private agency---and tell them you have possible adoptive parents (the second family your sister in law thought about). They can help arrange care/paperwork/etc. My sister in law has 2 daughters that were adopted, they found the birth mother and then went through agency for paperwork, homestudy, etc.

2. Contact the lawyer and see if a family member can have temporary custody for the baby , then contact the potential adoptive family quickly. Most likely, unless they already have another child placed with them- they will be super fast in getting things in order. It probably would take less time than you think.

3.contact the state. But I do not know if the state would allow her to place the baby in a private adoption, it would place the child in foster care and most likely do a placement to one of their potential adoptive families.

I would lean toward #2. I cant imagine how hard this is on you Sister in Law and the little boy.I hate thinking there are people that 'think' like that and would turn down a adoption placement for those reasons.

We are in MI and just considering adoption so I dont know all the state laws. Hopefully someone else can chime in (or her lawyer may know more).

[RedOakMomma]

Oh my god. Thank heavens that baby did not go home with those people!

I am so sorry for your sister-in-law, though...of all thing heartbreaks to be dealing with, she shouldn't have to be dealing with the mental and emotional work of finding a new family.

Is there someone in the family who, like you, understands and respects your sil's wishes? Someone who will do what is needed in the short term, and not pressure her to choose someone in the family or change her mind?

What about asking for help from a local MDC mom or a playgroup friend or someone?

[APToddlerMama]

I'm a social worker who used to work in adoptions. I would definitely contact a private agency. All services to her should be free (most if not all agencies conduct it this way). The private agency will pay to have the child placed in "bridge care" or private foster care (not at all like what you normally think of as foster care...) until an adoptive family can be selected. She will have the right to visit her child in bridge/foster care or choose not to. She will maintain all of her rights as long as she wishes. The private agency should have a long list of potential adoptive families who are approved for adoption who she can choose from. What state does she live in? Feel free to pm me if you want any more detailed info. I would NOT go the state route! She will lose a great deal of control this way.

[APToddlerMama]

Oh Michigan.... You could try calling Lutheran Social Services there. They take clients of all religious backgrounds, Lutheran or not, and their social workers are all different religions/non-religions as well. They're a reputable agency at least. Otherwise, I'm sure that there are many others as well...just a starting point.


And one last note about going the state route... having worked for the state as well, the guidelines for approving adoptive families frequently are a lot "looser" by which I mean that I have been involved in cases in which individuals with multiple DUI's, allegations of child abuse, histories of some fairly serious and recent crimes, etc have been approved for adoption. Private agencies typically tend to have a little more backbone in not approving these families, though that may just be in the state in which I live.

[RedOakMomma]

In Michigan we worked with Family Adoption Consultants. Ours was an international adoption, but I know they also facilitate domestic adoptions. It's a very small agency, but it might be a resource for you. We loved working with them, and thought they were a very good agency.

http://www.facadopt.org/index.php?na...=article&sid=5

They have offices in Kalamazoo and Utica, MI.

[MomtoAshlee]

Just wanted to give hugs out to your SIL! She has done a very brave thing only to be hurt even more by those people! Grr on them!

I agree that she should try to contact the 2nd choice. I know if it was me, I would be doing everything as fast as I could to adopt!

Again sorry the issues your SIL is having to face! And hugs to the little baby boy!

[mamadebug]

I am so sorry that things have gone the way they have for your sister in law.

I too agree that she should not go through the state. She will lose all control basically. Rules vary by state of course, but in CA she would not get to choose the adoptive parents. The baby would be placed in foster care and then possibly be adopted by the foster parents or possibly moved to another home for adoption. So, there is the chance of a baby in that situation being bounced around a bit. Also, if she wants to maintain any contact at all, there is much less of a chance of that actually happening.

I would call a private agency. They could get things in order pretty quickly. There are waiting adoptive parents who will literally drop what they are doing and drive to the hospital to get the baby now. The agency we worked with (Jewish Family Services - I highly recommend them if there is one in her area) gets calls like this fairly often (a coupe of times a month) and can get a social worker to the hospital in a matter of hours. She won't have to face taking the baby home or having a family member care for him for a few days or weeks if she doesn't want to.

Also, there should be a medical social worker at the hospital. That person should also be able to connect her with what she is looking for in terms of agencies in her area.

Again, I am so so sorry.

[crl]

I think the first thing to do is for the lawyer she's been working with to contact the other couple she was considering. Many adoptive parents are willing to respond very quickly. (Just as an example, we've told our attorney we would accept a baby born situation. We could be pretty much anywhere in the US in 24 hours or less.)

If that option does not work out, the lawyer may have other clients or have contacts that enable him or her to find adoptive parents almost immediately. Again, I think it is very realistic to think that adoptive parents could be ready to take physical custody of the baby in 24 hours or so.

If she no longer wants to work with the attorney or that doesn't work for some other reason, I think contacting a private adoption agency would be my next suggestion. Many have the ability to place a baby very temporarily with foster parents. This option would give her more time to chose the adoptive parents without worrying about care for the baby.

The hospital may well have a social worker who can help your sister sort all this out.

I am so sorry your sister is facing this difficult situation. I hope it can all be resolved as quickly and smoothly as possible.

[queenjane]

OP, i sent you a PM...but i agree with the other suggestions, the medical sw at the hospital would be a good first step...she may have contacts for temporary cradle care that is not state foster care. I too would think that the "second choice" family would be willing to get to the hospital ASAP if they are still available to adopt. If they are not available, then any agency would be happy to help, i'm sure.

If i can help in any way (i'm in MI) please dont hesitate to ask.

[SundayCrepes]

So you know, we were a baby born situation. We got a call at 9:42 am asking if the ob could share our information with the mom. We met our daughter at 2:21 that afternoon. (She was born in our city.)

We did not use an agency for our match, just our homestudy. If the second couple is homestudy ready, the lawyer can take care of everything with a little help from the hospital social worker. If they are not homestudy ready, then it will take longer if she chooses to go with them.

Also, there is an online group for women who conceived through rape. Here is the link in case she is interested: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group...guid=156716553

[Nicole915]

**Update**

Thank you all so much for the amazing replies. My sister-in-law read through them all, and wanted me to pass on her gratitude.

Certain parts of the situation have cleared up. She was able to get in touch with her adoption lawyer, who up until this afternoon was unreachable due to his own family crisis. She has also been visited by the hospital social workers. They had called in a special social worker, due to the fact that she is a resident in the hospital where she delivered, so they call in someone from outside the hospital to maintain professional limits.

She had some complications after delivery, so they're going to keep her through the weekend, and that means the baby will stay as well. The lawyer is going to be contacting the other family she had strongly considered tomorrow, hopefully we will hear some good news soon. If the little guy needs care after that, the lawyer gave her several options, which has provided a great deal of peace of mind.

We really appreciate all the info, it was so timely and helpful. My sister-in-law is very glad she didn't make the call to the state.

Thank you again for your kindness.

[BeckC]

I'm so sorry about the way things fell apart with the PAPs your SIL had chosen. I'm glad they didn't take that baby home but how awful.

I agree with contacting the other couple she was considering. They may respond faster than you think. DH and I are open to baby born situations and if the phone rang right now with a situation we would be out of the house in about 10 minutes and could be at the hospital in 3-6 hours.

After that I would suggest contacting a local private agency. They may have cradle care (temp foster care not through the state) available while they find an adoptive family.

ETA: Just saw your update. I'm glad to hear that she was able to get a hold of her attorney. I hope she recovers quickly from her complications.

[SundayCrepes]

I'm glad things are looking better. I can't imagine how she felt. I hope she feels relief that the couple was honest with their feelings.

[queenjane]

Im so glad it looks like everything will work out!

I would love to hear an update when the baby is in his forever family!

[MomtoAshlee]

So glad things are looking up!

I agree, I would love to hear an update!

[Thisbirdwillfly]

I'm thankful that your sister is getting the information and support she needs. You are a good person to help her at such a difficult time.

[Earthmama88]

I am sorry to hear of your sister-in-laws situation. I was raped when I was 15 so I know how she feels, I didn't become pregnant however. The original adoptive parents sound like disgusting people. The only advice I can think of is to get in touch with her lawyer asap and get him to contact them, it should only take one phone call, they obviously have been approved by the adoption agency and your sister-in-law so it shouldn't be complicated.

I hope everything works out for her and her son, and his new parents. I hope your sister-in-law gets counselling, she will need it, both to come to terms with the rape and the fact she had to give up her son.
Hopefully in the future they will find each other again and he will understand the difficult situation she was in.