is it bribery...

[lisavark]

...if I tell DD (20 months) that after she gives back her friend's toy (the one she's trying to take home with us, lol) then she can have milk?

What if I say she can look at the pictures on my iphone if she sits on the potty?

I've caught myself saying "if..then" more than I'd like lately. I really like the idea of unconditional parenting, and I'd like to keep my parenting more in that direction. But I've found myself using, well, offers that sound conditional to me after I say them.

I'm trying to rephrase them into "first we'll do this, and then we'll do this," so that b is not dependent on a. ("Let's give back the toy, and then let's have milk.") But I still feel sort of like I'm bribing her. So what do you ladies think? Is this bribery? Is it contrary to UP? (Dang, that's another book I really need to read...!) Is there a way to persuade her to do things that need to be done without, well, coercing her?

[OkiMom]

I catch myself doing that a lot too. However I don't know how else to word it! For example DD1 (shes almost 3) wants to go outside but she doesn't have pants or undies on so I say "We will go outside if you put pants on" which is true but then it hits me that it sounds like Im bribing her. Or another one is cleaning up and going with her grandpa to pick up her grandma. I only let her go if shes finished picking up her toys (otherwise she doesn't pick them up and Im not starting down that road again) but it sounds like Im bribing her if I say "You can go with PopPop if you pick up your toys". She likes when I make an order to things which makes it harder because it sounds like Im ALWAYS bribing her, I just don't know how to word it otherwise..
Another one is she loves the dogs that my in-laws have but saying that she needs to do this before she can play with the dogs sounds like a bribe as well.

[425lisamarie]

IF she asked for milk, I would say something like "yes you may have milk, lets give this toy back and get some together."

Or, "Hey how about we sit on the potty I'll visit you and you can look at my iphone." Not sure if other's would do that but *I* would, especially since potty in our house is touchy business

[sgmom]

"If you do this, then I'll do that", or "You can have this, after you do that" does go against UP.

Keeping requests non conditional is pretty easy, if you don't put conditions on the request (d-uh!). Decide which is more important to happen first. If your child wants to play with a certain toy, but you know that you will miss a pee if you let the playing happen first, then make a decision. Let him/her play for a minute THEN take them to the potty, explain the importance of using the potty right now without promising the toy after, or bring the toy to the potty with you.

I don't find myself using bribes (I don't really know what to call them), but I do do a lot of explaining. "I know you really want to play with your toy, but right now we need to do this. You can play with your toy in a few minutes." In a sense it's almost rephrasing the bribe, but the difference is that one is a promise to "reward" a behavior by complying to a want, and the other is explaining that something needs to happen right now, and there will be plenty of time for the want later.

It's the use of the word "IF" that makes it a bribe (imo). "You can go with PopPop if you pick up your toys first" implies that if you don't pick up your toys, you can't go. But changing your wording to "Yes, you an go with PopPop. Let's clean up the floor first though so that you don't have to come home to a messy room" explains that the area (in this example, the toys) should be put away because we are done playing with them, and not just because they have to do it first if they want to go out with PopPop.

[sgmom]

Btw, I really don't think there's anything wrong with saying things like "and then you can", so long as it's not a promise that follows something that happens first (like do this and then you can do that), and so long as the "you can if" is replaced with "and then you can", and also as long as it's not said on a regular basis.

For example (she's too young for this, but just as an example) if my daughter is insistent on something (like going for ice cream with her dad) but is in obvious need of a nap, then I would tell her that she needs to sleep first if she wants to go, and daddy will wait for her and they can go when she wakes up. If the situation meant to clean her room, what's the big deal if it's done when they get home? "Sure you can go for ice cream, but you haven't cleaned your room yet. Can you please clean some of it now, and some of it when you get home?"

Another example. If the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, but the child wants to watch his/her favorite show that starts in one minute, it seems unfair to me to demand that the dishwasher gets done first. But it needs to be done, so asking that it be done during commercials seems fair to me. You're not saying "do this first", but instead you're coming to a compromise about what you both want. Your kid gets to watch his/her favorite show, and your dishes will get unloaded during commercials or as soon as the show is over (if it's not done already).

Neither a clean room or unloading dishes are something to make a big fuss about as neither needs to be done RIGHT THIS SECOND. So you can come to an agreement when these things need to be done, or you can demand that one be done before they're "rewarded" with play (or whatever the reward might be). Which of course, isn't UP at all.

Make sense? (I'm babbling, but I don't really know how to explain it and I'm really tired). LOL!!

[sebandg'smama]

I try to say "when...then" . Not sure if that's still bribery. I often feel like I am trying to find creative ways to motivate. Always a fine balance to not make it about my needs.

[Marsupialmom]

I do not think there is anything wrong with when...then statements

When you clean the living room we can play a game.....in our house this means it is too messy to play. My kids are 15, 11, and 9 if I can't sit down on the couch their mess has overgrown themselves.

As toddlers when you sit down you can get your food/drink. We have a family rule about sitting down to eat (no choking).

Bribery is bad unless you do not follow through (or not follow through). Or if you solely rely on that. I used bribery to help my dd through sitting still medical procedures. We had specific behavior - sitting still - that got the reward. We did not care if she cried just sit still.

Now for the toy situation. I know it is hard at that age to teach sharing. Work on sharing. Sometimes you do have to rely on distraction for the greater good. It sounds like in that situation it was more of a distraction than a bribery.

[mamassong]

I second the PP who said she does a lot of explaining. I'm working really hard to unconditionally parent (I feel like its a journey), and I spend a lot of time talking about why, and how we may not have enough time, etc. When, like in your example of giving the toy back, then having milk, I could see that as re-directing. Especially if your child is younger. This has been happening with my DD, and I tell her we have to leave the toy there, so it will be there the next time we come, and I think thats a time concept that she doesn't really understand yet, so I absolutely re-direct, by saying "let's put the toy down, and have a snack, go get lunch, race to the car, give good bye hugs...", whatever I can think of that sounds like a fun alternative.

I'm definitely still learning, though, too. I'm reading all the other suggestions.

[ComplexOphelia]

I think of something as bribery more when it's giving to condition a response and to reinforce a behavior that you like. "You get a brand new toy if you clean your room!" "You get money if you get an A."

There are definitely things that need to happen before other things - like wearing pants outside, especially in our area where it feels like the dead of winter . Although the specific order of starting with a non-favored activity and ending with the desired one might seem like we're bribing little ones, I think that if it's a necessary step, then it's a necessary step. When they're very small and still developing their sense of empathy, I think it's up to Momma or Dad to determine what's a necessary step socially - if you know that getting milk AFTER giving the toy back will result in the best chance of happiness all around. I try to ask myself, "Am I doing this to train DS, or to help him enjoy himself?"

Rather than thinking of using a toy on the potty as bribery, would it help to rethink in terms of using a toy to make potty time more enjoyable? I see nothing wrong with special toys for certain circumstances - it's how I make dinner most nights!

[HappilyEvrAfter]

IMO, I don't think "If/When" statments are bribery as long as the IF and the When are directly connected....direct consequences, ykwim?

[lisavark]

Thanks, everyone; this is really helpful! I think I need to read the book UP, because I don't have a good sense of what it is yet. I totally agree with the necessary prerequisites--I definitely don't feel at all like I'm bribing when I tell her she has to put pants on before we can go to playgroup when it's 45 degrees outside. And I like the point of trying to NOT make it about my needs (I think it's rarely, if ever, about my needs...unless getting her to sit on the potty is about my needs?...but that's another thread, lol). And the question of doing it to train her vs. doing it to make it enjoyable for her is helpful, too.

I feel better about it now. Although I am going to keep trying to say "when...then" or "first let's...and then" rather than "if...then."

Oh, and she's 20 months, so yeah, a little young still for real explaining. And definitely still in the realm where I have to decide what's socially necessary.