5th grader and bad grades

[SuburbanHippie]

I don't even know where to begin. It's been quite a journey with my 10 year old DS.

Right now, his grades are slipping. He usually has B's, but 5th grade is kicking his behind. We can check his grades online and am literally watching them fall. His worst subject is math. He says he's not good at it. I noticed from looking at his 3 math tests and 3 vocab tests (his other "bad" subject) that half the time he's not even reading the question fully. He always rushes everything (even non-school things, like he waits to go to the bathroom until the last minute and then runs down the hallway to hurry up and go).

I feel like I've failed him as a parent. I read an article yesterday about helicopter parenting and I probably do that. If he forgets something (homework, lunch, gym clothes etc) I try to find a way to get it to him (his school is 20 miles away so I don't go out of my way, if I happen to have to go out, then I'll drop it off). I go over his homework every night. Often, he will have several (or all) math problems wrong. We work together to figure out the answer. I think he does understand the material, but when he's doing the problems he's rushing and forgetting things (like simple multiplication facts).

He is also in a lot of extra-curricular activities. He's on 2 basketball teams (he plays in his grade and 6th grade) which both just started. He's in the school play, but that is ending next week. His dad (my ex-husband) was in tons of extra-currics in school so he expects DS to be as well (the difference is my XH had great grades and never had to really try) so he's signing him up for all these things. I've talked to him about it and he says "well it's not that much and he wouldn't spend that time studying anyway. His problem is he needs to pay more attention in class." Part of me agrees, but I think that he deserves to be punished for letting his grades slip as well and taking away things like the play or basketball would possibly give him some sort of motivation to study/pay attention more. In the past, his motivator has been video games, but we got rid of ours and he's only allowed to play on the weekends at his dad's (and I'm pretty sure he has them taken away permanently now because of the math grade).

I don't know what to do. His first trimester is up next week and he's going to have a D+ on his report card. It makes me feel sick. We will have conferences then and I really wonder what his teacher is going to say.

If anyone has any advice, I welcome it. I am just lost.

[GuildJenn]

I'm not a big fan of punishing for bad grades. I am a fan of not setting kids up for failure though and if your kid is overscheduled or rushing around at night, it may not be helping him pay attention in class even if homework is not the actual issue.

But, that may not be under your control so here are some ideas:

- First, I think you do need to separate your sense of self from his academics. Easier said than done. But if you give off vibes that it's your parenting that's failing, that's a pretty big barrier to him solving the problem for a variety of reasons - the cost of him trying and failing is bigger; he might wait for you to solve it, etc.

- he needs to be involved in any solution so I would have a brainstorming session with him about what could help (maybe break it down by subject and brainstorm around one subject each day). In a brainstorming session, all ideas are welcome at the table; you just write them all down together. After that, then you start to look at which ones are practical.

- It sounds like he does need support in test-taking skills. I might hire a tutor to work on that with him, because often kids around that age listen better to tutors than to parents.

- I would also make sure that at your house there is a calm, regular, supportive environment for homework that doesn't involve you swooping in at the end to check or doing it with him, because that doesn't seem to be working.

A good read might be Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It.

[Leta]

Oh, bummer. IDK how much help I'll be, but I couldn't not offer a hug.

The rushing stuff sounds a lot like my friend's daughter N. She was struggling in school due to similar issues. (Younger than your DS, tho'- N is 7.) They went to Sylvan, basically to teach her how slowing down and doing things carefully took less time in the long run. It was expensive, but it worked.

[pranamama]

How does your son feel about the grades, It may be better to fall in grades at 5th grade and get back on track by high school. My dd can't learn math at school alone, she needs help from tutors or parents to stay up to date on the work. Good luck!!
I think sports are wonderful for children as long as they enjoy them and would be hesitant to pull him off a team just because of grades.

[LynnS6]

Talk to your son's teachers NOW. Ask them what they think his weak areas are and how he might be able to learn strategies to overcome them.

Ask whether your son could be tested for learning disabilities. It's possible that he is just not paying attention. But when a child is repeatedly not paying attention, doesn't 'get it', doesn't read the instructions etc. sometimes it's the sign of an underlying problem. 4th-5th grade is often a time when subtle learning issues crop up. If he's having trouble understanding language, he might get by OK in early grades because he can understand on the surface, and be OK. But later on, you really need to get the details.

If his midterm grades come back really poor, see if you can talk your ex into limiting the # of activities to TWO at any given time. It looks like your son NEEDS to spend more of his free time studying, even if he's not. Set up a time every day where your ds is expected to be doing school work. If he doesn't have any to do, then you can supply it. What you want to do is reduce the 'benefit' for him rushing through is homework. He needs to spend 20 or 30 minutes a day on school work. If he's done early, he doesn't get to go play, he gets to do extra worksheets (see http://www.math-drills.com/ for some basic math worksheets).

5th grade is often the first time kids get 'tough love' from teachers. Depending on your school system, he might be going to middle school next year. Teachers are trying to help kids be much more independent. The move sometimes blindsides kids.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by SuburbanHippie

I feel like I've failed him as a parent. I read an article yesterday about helicopter parenting and I probably do that.

Sweetie, we can tweak our parenting style at any time. I'm finding that starting out AP and then transitioning to the tween/teen phase requires tweaking.

We spent years making sure we met all their needs and trying to keep them happy. Now we need to do things differently to help them learn self-sufficiency.

I go over his homework every night. Often, he will have several (or all) math problems wrong. We work together to figure out the answer.

I would try just circling the ones that are wrong and them letting him figure them out on his own. If you have to work through ALL the problems with him, then the math is over his head. Adn if you don't need to work through all the problems with him, don't.

I've talked to him about it and he says "well it's not that much and he wouldn't spend that time studying anyway.

Is he getting enough sleep and enough down time? Some kids do fine with lots of stuff going on, some not so much.

I think that he deserves to be punished for letting his grades slip as well and taking away things like the play or basketball would possibly give him some sort of motivation to study/pay attention more.

I think that a bad grade is it's own punishment, and just taking things away doesn't get to the root of the problem. It's doesn't help him develop any motivation of his own.

If he is playing sports at school, they most likely have grade requirments that must be met weekly.

His first trimester is up next week and he's going to have a D+ on his report card. It makes me feel sick.

It's just a quarter grade in 5th grade -- it has no impact of the rest of his life. None. Take your focus off the grade and think about what he skills he needs to be developing right now. If you are wanting to step back from helicoptor parenting, then start by listening to him about his grades, how he feels, what he thinks he could do differently, etc.

[SuburbanHippie]

Originally Posted by Leta

Oh, bummer. IDK how much help I'll be, but I couldn't not offer a hug.

Thank you! Just reading that made my eyes tear up. It's been a rough couple days. Between my two boys (and two girls), this has been one looooong week.

How does your son feel about the grades

He didn't seem to mind when I told him his recent math grade. I know he does care somewhat about school because if he does forget something (like forgetting homework at school, it happens fairly often) he'll worry about it. He gets marks on his conduct card if he forgets assignments. If his card gets checked 5 times in a week, he loses a privilege at school. They also get checks for other things like forgetting to wear his belt (happens all the time). He's in Catholic school btw and they do trimesters instead of semesters (just to clear that up).

Talk to your son's teachers NOW

We have conferences in two weeks so I'm going to ask her about it then. Right now they're a short break due to a school fundraiser (casino weekend). I think looking into getting him tested for a disability would be a good idea. If everything checks out, I think I'll look around for a tutor. He needs to learn how to slow down and I just can't seem to get through to him by myself.

I would try just circling the ones that are wrong and them letting him figure them out on his own.

I do mostly do that. Although from what I wrote, it sounds the opposite. I apologize. I circle the ones and his almost immediate answer is "I need help figuring these out." I help him work through the first one and then let him go from there. He can get them right if he pays closer attention and slows down.

As far as his sleep goes, he goes to bed anywhere from 8:30pm (normal night) to 9:30pm (on a night with bball or play practice which is sometimes twice a week or more). He wakes up at 6:30. I think that is pretty adequate, but I know he would love more. I have to drag him out of bed some days, but he's been getting much better.

I'm not sure yet what the academic probation terms are. I doubt one D will be enough to get him off the team, but he'll need to be careful because he has another C that's slowly creeping in that direction (vocab). I have to check with the principal which I plan to do next week when she's back in her office.

Thank you so very much for listening to me and giving me such great advice. I hope I answered everyone's questions. It's hard for me to put my ego aside, but I know I really need to work on it for my son's sake. I'm going to check out that book at the library tomorrow too.

[karne]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

5th grade is often the first time kids get 'tough love' from teachers. Depending on your school system, he might be going to middle school next year. Teachers are trying to help kids be much more independent. The move sometimes blindsides kids.

Parent of a 5th grader here. Absolutely our experience-even for a kid w/an LD. It's not a smooth process, by any stretch, but ultimately I think it's very valuable.

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

Sweetie, we can tweak our parenting style at any time. I'm finding that starting out AP and then transitioning to the tween/teen phase requires tweaking.

We spent years making sure we met all their needs and trying to keep them happy. Now we need to do things differently to help them learn self-sufficiency.

We're in the midst of "tweaking"! OP, I think if you posted this in the pre-teen/teen section you'd be hearing some similar responses. The ante is definitely upped in 5th grade, so it isn't surprising to see where kids are needing extra support. I would definitely talk w/his teachers now to see if this is feeling like an issue that can be addressed with some more attention to schedule/studying, etc., or whether an eval. of some sort might be helpful in discerning exactly what's going on.

[spalaura]

If you're going to look for a tutor, look for one with training and/or experience with executive functioning. Your son may need more of a coach to teach him study skills, work habits, time management, how to read test questions properly, etc. These aspects are all part of executive functioning. Here's a link with info:

http://www.ldonline.org/article/What...Functioning%3F

I try to work on these skills with my children at home (and I was a learning specialist and teacher before having kids), and my kids seem to do much better learning these skills from a teacher or tutor.