DH not on board with nursing past infancy...

[Phoenix~Mama]

I'm hoping for some support... maybe anyone who has BTDT?

DD will be 10 months tomorrow... and DH has been bringing up more and more often how uncomfortable he is with the idea of me nursing past one year old. He wants me to pump and put it in a cup for her... he says it creeps him out to think of her still nursing at the breast once she is no longer a "baby".

That is only 2 months away... and I cannot fathom her love for nursing going down in only two months. She still nurses frequently. She typically drinks 12-16 oz a day while I am at work, and nurses well right when I get home. Gives me about 2 hour break then cluster feeds like crazy for about an hour to an hour and a half before bedtime.

I'm still pumping 4 times a day to keep up with her...

I don't think I can just stop nursing her after she turns a year old. It's our re-bond time when I get home from work. She LOVES nursing.

I am afraid if I just stop nursing and just giver her EBM in a cup, my supply will drop really fast. Plus, there is no way I'm going to start pumping on the weekends to put it in a cup to give to her... I pump my poor nipples enough during the week.

Has any other Moms dealt with this from their husbands/partners? How did you cope with it?

I'm planning on just ignoring my DH and doing my own thing... but I know it's going to grate on me hearing him after awhile....

[lynsage]

Give him some information on the benefits of EBF, then tell him you've made your decision and you don't want to hear any more negative comments from him about it.

[petra_william]

i know somebody who said "ok, you try comfort her then" and after an hour of him trying to calm lo down because he didnt want mum to nurse he gave up and let her carry on. dont know if you would feel comfortasble with that or if it would work for you.
there are many benefits of nursing past one year, the WHO recomends nursing until two and beyond. ds is nearly 3.still feeding. dp wasnt on board 100% -said it was getting weird but hes fine now... or given up lol. hes also fine about me going to tandem nurse when baby comes in march
i bombarded him with info he couldnt say anything against

[pbjmama]

I would start with talking about it more - explain to him your point of view that nursing is more than food, it is bonding. Give him information on the benefits for mom and baby. Listen to his point of view which may include things like - he wants more time alone with you or intimacy. I would work on getting on the same page and a compromise before jumping to I made a decision and this is how it is, doesn't matter what you think. Partners means working together and communicating in my book. So if that means 'working' on weaning that is fine.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by JSMa

That is only 2 months away... and I cannot fathom her love for nursing going down in only two months. She still nurses frequently. She typically drinks 12-16 oz a day while I am at work, and nurses well right when I get home. Gives me about 2 hour break then cluster feeds like crazy for about an hour to an hour and a half before bedtime.

I'm still pumping 4 times a day to keep up with her...

I don't think I can just stop nursing her after she turns a year old. It's our re-bond time when I get home from work. She LOVES nursing.

I know where you are. Our "just got home from work" nurse is the best one of the day. DD is almost 9 months.

My Huz isn't excited about it BF beyond 1 yr, but at the same time I'm not excited about pumping beyond 1 yr. I think you have to just put it out of your mind and see what happens. At 1 you could start (like I'm planning to) pumping less, and then your LO could have water or other milk during the day in addition to solids if s/he likes them. This would make your day easier as far as pumping goes and give your Huz the impression you're starting to wean, even if that's not your intention.

And i agree with the comforting thing--at the end of the day, it's just the best way to do it. His views may change when he sees that your LO is still really a baby at 1 year old.

[paulamc]

Originally Posted by JSMa

it creeps him out to think of her still nursing at the breast once she is no longer a "baby".

This is not a legitimate reason to stop breast feeding. Not that you should engage in a debate where you actually consider stopping, but creating a chart with the advantages of stopping and the advantages of continuing, might make your point well.

So, on one side of the chart are the benefits of STOPPING breastfeeding (it creeps him out) and on the other side list the benefits of continuing breastfeeding - the longer you nurse the lower your risk of breast cancer, continued immunity for baby from all kinds of illnesses, including the flu, the ability to calm and soothe during the 'terrible twos', etc... Have a look at Kellymom.com for the evidence on continued benefits. Invite your DH to produce reputable research with advantages of stopping to contribute to the discussion.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by paulamc

This is not a legitimate reason to stop breast feeding. Not that you should engage in a debate where you actually consider stopping, but creating a chart with the advantages of stopping and the advantages of continuing, might make your point well.

So, on one side of the chart are the benefits of STOPPING breastfeeding (it creeps him out) and on the other side list the benefits of continuing breastfeeding - the longer you nurse the lower your risk of breast cancer, continued immunity for baby from all kinds of illnesses, including the flu, the ability to calm and soothe during the 'terrible twos', etc... Have a look at Kellymom.com for the evidence on continued benefits. Invite your DH to produce reputable research with advantages of stopping to contribute to the discussion.

I would probably not be willing to go beyond, "It's my f'in body and my f'in kid. You don't like it? Don't watch." But this is a better response.

[Marlet]

Saw this on new posts.

Dh was this way at first. He had a hard time with me going past 6 months (apparently I had mentioned early on that was as far as I could see going ) and then once a year hit he had a hard time again. With him it was very definitely tied into some comments he had received that he never told me about. While they weren't directed right at me, the round about gist of it was me and my nursing. It really bothered him. We stopped hanging around those people (though for other reasons ) and he slowly got used to it.

Once DH realized what a cure all it is it finally clicked for him. Tired? Mom has a sedative. In pain? Mom has a pain killer. Overstimulated/grumpy? Mom has a tasty focus. Maybe bring up that point to him? Whenever our kiddos would start having whatever issue it was usually DH who would bring up nursing.

Beyond that, I did tell him once or twice to shut it. Unless he had every intention of becoming that cure all without complaint he wasn't allowed to dictate what was being used as a cure all.

[Katie T]

I have been there! When our ds was coming up on a yr old dh kept telling me he needed to stop nursing that is made OTHERS uncomfortable. I told him It was my body and I was going to nurse him as long as we (DS and I) wanted and when he made comments of people in public being uncomfortable I told him "good they can look away then" Needless to say he stayed mum about it after awhile and now is a huge extended bf supported. I think he just wasnt comfortable with it becaue he wasnt raise around it. Good luck and stick to your guns. By the way ds nursed till 2yrs and dd is still going strong at 16m

[mamazee]

My opinion might not be popular, but I think the nursing relationship is a relationship between the child and the mom, and only those two people get a say. I wouldn't let my husband tell me I couldn't nurse if I wanted to, and I wouldn't let him tell me I had to nurse if I didn't want to.

Or is the default "don't nurse unless both parents want you to"?

[Katie T]

I agree mamazee I think its a decision between mom & baby.

[StoriesInTheSoil]

Originally Posted by mamazee

My opinion might not be popular, but I think the nursing relationship is a relationship between the child and the mom, and only those two people get a say. I wouldn't let my husband tell me I couldn't nurse if I wanted to, and I wouldn't let him tell me I had to nurse if I didn't want to.

Or is the default "don't nurse unless both parents want you to"?

I share this opinion. Though I know that a father's support is very important to a nursing couple's success, I also think that it is totally irrelevant if he is comfortable with his toddler nursing or not.

I think the idea of making a list with two columns is really good. The first side can say "Benefits of Weaning" and then list only "Ease father's misplaced discomfort" and the other side can say "Benefits of Continued Nursing" and list pages full of benefits.

[kiwiva]

Originally Posted by mamazee

My opinion might not be popular, but I think the nursing relationship is a relationship between the child and the mom, and only those two people get a say. I wouldn't let my husband tell me I couldn't nurse if I wanted to, and I wouldn't let him tell me I had to nurse if I didn't want to.

Or is the default "don't nurse unless both parents want you to"?

I agree with this. He needs to get over it. He doesn't get a vote! That said, I think it is far better to get him on board rather than force it on him. You don't want something as wonderful as your breastfeeding relationship to become a source of anxiety in the marriage. The chart idea is good. If he sees it presented that way how can he really override all the reasons continued breastfeeding makes sense. Also try to get at what his real issue is. Family/friends thinking it's weird? Or the often assumed, once the baby is weaned the marriage intimacy stuff will go back to pre-baby levels? Those are probably the top 2 reasons for DH discomfort.

FTR, when DD was 4 mos DH made a comment about how when she weaned at a year... I looked at him like he had 3 heads and asked what the heck he was talking about. I then signed us BOTH up for an upcoming regional LLL conference. That took some of the "weird factor" from it for DH, I think. DH got on board. There was just a lot of ignorance about it for him previously. When he encountered other "normal people" who continued to breastfeed it made it a lot easier for him to get.

[Dandelionkid]

Your breasts- your decision.

[Funny Face]

I would tell him very kindly that he has issues and you won't allow his hang ups to negatively affect your child's health and well being. Tell him you would love for him to see a counselor if further educating himself on the matter doesn't relieve his anxiety.

[elanorh]

Saw this in New Posts -- and had to comment.

When I was pregnant with dd1 and dh and I talked about breastfeeding, I told him that babies nursed about 15 months to 1 1/2 years (that's what my siblings all did). So we figured that just naturally, nursing would diminish to a few sessions by a year of age and then gradually be done. We didn't really research it much ....

Then dd1 had multiple severe food allergies and I was on a very restricted diet most of her first year. As she neared one year of age, she had only outgrown the wheat allergy which meant that I couldn't have dairy/soy/egg/legumes/peanuts/treenuts/fish/shellfish. Dh and I both were looking forward to me being able to eat without worrying again. Then the light dawned on me -- if Ina couldn't tolerate dairy and soy when she was a year old, either she'd have to go on Neocate (which would have been impossible at that age), or I'd need to keep nursing.

So, I started researching more about 'extended' nursing. I'd sit and read my books about it and read passages to dh. He at first resisted on my behalf, because he wanted me to be able to eat more foods. But quickly came 'round to the realization that we had to try to make it work. During this process, I figured out that the reason that my siblings all 'weaned' at 15 months or so was because Mom was following that culturally prescribed process of weaning - filling us up with solids, limiting sessions, milk at meals, etc. etc. which had been unintentional mother-led weaning.

I think dh was still a bit nervous about it until about 18 months. We went to a Division 1 bball game with some friends whose daughter is the same age as Ina; our friends' child had a terrible time at the game. Ina enjoyed it for awhile, then nursed herself to sleep. Afterwards, dh commented what a pity it was that our friends' girl was weaned, since they'd lost that tool for helping her deal with an overwhelming situation. I think that was his epiphany moment on extended breastfeeding.

Today, dd2 is three and going strong with breastfeeding. Dh is proud, and he is even a bit judgmental of mothers who don't breastfeed past a year of age.

Work on this gently with your dh. Discuss it, read about it, and let him know how important this is for you and your child. I would bet that your dh comes 'round as well as mine has, and recognizes how wonderful bf past a year can be.

[MadziesMom]

My initial reaction is to say, It's not his decision. BUT, that doesn't help you here... it's hard to explain to a man, I think, the maternal instinct we have with our kids. I second Kellymom. and maybe go to le leche leagues website to see if they offer info on the benefits on EBF. I know some of it is phycological from what I remember reading, and sometimes that is really hard for people to latch on to.
BUT, I am sending good thoughts your way that it all works out.

HTH
Sarah

[sapphire_chan]

My first thought reading the title was "who's asking him to?"

I'm sorry, that's tough.

Make him find the science that proves it's a bad idea to keep nursing.

[hopefulfaith]

Originally Posted by elanorh

Today, dd2 is three and going strong with breastfeeding. Dh is proud, and he is even a bit judgmental of mothers who don't breastfeed past a year of age.

I came in from the main page, and I had to comment. Elanorh's experience mirrors mine. My dh had never, ever seen a child bf past infancy (in fact, I'll bet he'd never seen one bf past a few months...!!) until he met our family. My stepsister was the first one he had seen bf a toddler, and was honestly puzzled when I told him that that was my plan, as well.

I detailed all the benefits, etc., but he wasn't sold. I got pg too early after ds, and I lost my milk during my pregnancy, so my ds only bf for nine months. My dd bf until two, and although my dh had never seen this, experienced it, or even thought about it....he just sort of went with my flow and now is a good defender of breastfeeding moms and kids. It just hadn't been in his realm of experience before, and he didn't know what a good thing it was until it was our daughter and it was his family.

My best advice is to just do it. I am of the opinion that the bf relationship is solely between a mom and child (I shudder when my friend actually told me that her husband gets to decide when it's time to nightwean, etc.), but I don't think that that relationship has to be antagonistic toward the father --- I just think that once men realize that it's not the end of the world, that they will go with the flow and ultimately realize that it is a good thing -- and then, they'll be supporters and defenders.

[jeliphish]

Ask him why he thinks 1 year old is all of a sudden the age of "non- babyness"?