Catholic Mamas - I Need Some Support Please

[springmama]

I could really use some support right now. I have no one that I feel I can talk to about this. My dh and I are struggling with my conversion. I'm in RCIA and he really wishes that I wasn't. This morning he told me that he is sick of this. He said that he would rather me go running early in the morning instead of going to morning Mass during the week. I feel like what's it to him - the parish is really close I go while everyone is still sleeping and it makes me feel so much closer to God and therefore a happier perosn. He's atheist/agnostic and really feels that the core of Christianity is evil. He says that a few people are helped by it but most are hurt by it.

Right now I feel like a sapling - fragile and growing. I am stretching out my small tender limbs to God and trying to find my place. But then when he says this kind of stuff to me it's like a huge rain storm falling in me and pushing me down.

I know that this is hard for him and that he doesn't like it. Three hours on Sunday mornings for Mass and RICA are too much for him to be on his own with the kids. I understand that he is trying to accept that his wife is into something he feels is silly, fabricated and evil. While he prefers the Catholic Church to an evangelical church he still doesn't like the lifestyle changes that I feel committed to make to be a devoted Catholic.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I am just so sad right now.

[Fay]

I will pray for you.

I am a lifelong Catholic married to an atheist. Years ago DH agreed to be married in the church and to raise our children as Catholics, but he now feels much the same way your DH does. It's a difficult and unfair situation for both spouses. I don't have any answers for you, only compassion.

[InchByInch]

Are you familiar with praying novenas? Specifically to the saints for their intercessory prayers? (Meaning, you're not praying to them to answer your prayers-- only God can do that-- but you're asking them to pray FOR you, just as you would ask a friend, "Hey, Susie, can you pray for me?")

To give you some ideas: St. Gengulf is the patron saint traditionally invoked against unhappy marriages. St. Monica is the patron saint of married women and mothers; she had a wild son who refused any part of Catholicism, but thanks to her constant prayers, he eventually converted, and in a big way; he's Saint Augustine. And then there's St. Paul, who really hated Christians (and actually held the coats of those who stoned St. Stephen, the first Christian martyr, to death), but was converted in a HUGE way by Christ himself. St. Jude (a personal fave of mine; he's helped me countless times) is the patron saint of desperate situations.

Big hugs to you, mama... this sounds like a really tough time for you and your DH. Don't lose hope, though; cling to God and ask him for the graces you and your husband need to grow closer instead of apart. I'm totally speculating here, but it could be that this is Satan's attempt to drive you away from Catholicism before you're officially converted; he's fond of causing confusion and tempting souls to despair. (That's his job, after all!) And he knows, I'm sure, that there's a good chance that if you convert, your DH might someday, too. Don't give in to him.

P.S. I almost forgot!!! There's a great book that might help you, too: "The Secret Diary of Elizabeth Leseur: The Woman Whose Goodness Changed Her Husband From Athiest to Priest." It's awesome! If finances prohibit you from buying a copy, PM me your address (if you're comfortable doing that; I understand if you're not) and I'll mail it to you. Either way, you'll be in my prayers.

[springmama]

Thank you for your support! Fay I have so much compassion for your situation as well. I was a non-practicing Christian who turned agnostic shortly after marriage. My dh was totally fine with my belief in Christ then but now has a different feeling.

I have thought about praying a novena but I thought that the 9th day supposed to end on the saint's feast day. I'm new to this so I am probably mistaken. Aside from praying to God for the souls of my husband and children I occasionally pray to St. Monica and the Blessed Virgin Mary. I think that I need to start praying daily for my dh and children.

The hard part is that in the midst of sorting out my faith and conversion and being so confused, joyful and intimidated, is that my dh isn't rallying behind me. I don't like to talk about it at RCIA because it feels way too personal for the group setting and I don't want people to get the wrong idea about my dh.

I know that it may sound kind of crazy but I do feel Satan's pull - not to do any evil, but to thwart my plans for being marked as a child of God. For this I have been praying to Jesus and Michael the Archangel to keep Satan away from me. Any prayers that you offer for me are so much appreciated. I so badly want to be baptized and received into the Church at the Easter Vigil.

InchByInch, thanks for the offer to let me borrow the book. I'll look into picking up a copy.

God Bless!

[InchByInch]

Nope, there's no need to wait for the saints' feast days to do a novena (although it's pretty neat if it works out that way!)... they can be done anytime, anyplace. Traditionally you say your prayer for nine days in petition; then, you offer up a prayer of thanksgiving for nine days following that. So, 18 days total-- which might sound intimidating, but really isn't, since it takes only a few minutes each day. And if you lose count of what day you're on, don't give up! Just go with whatever day you think you're on. I used to have a big problem with that, but found that if I made a tiny tear or pen mark on the paper that I'd printed out with my novena on it, it was a snap to keep track.

About DH not rallying behind you, I can see how that would be incredibly stressful. (For some reason, it reminds me of that statistic that says most moms quit nursing before they want to if their husbands aren't supportive of them breastfeeding.) You clearly love your DH, and yet you love this new path you're taking toward God... so now you find yourself torn. That's a hard place to be. But the Bible tells us that nothing is impossible with God. Keep praying for strength, pray for continued faith, keep loving your DH... and the answers will come. This is a test-- and God is the answer.

Big, big hugs, mama!

"We no sooner begin a work for the honor and glory of God, than the world at once becomes uneasy, or the devil throws obstacles in the way." St. Ignatius of Loyola

[CherryBomb]

Satan is definitely going to be working overtime to pull you away from God. RCIA can be a period of serious spiritual warfare. I know I went through that (even literally on my way to my baptism!!) It doesn't sound crazy to say that, Satan is real and he wants you for himself.

Pray for you dh's conversion (I was so blessed that dh and I converted together, but I can imagine it's very difficult for you). Don't worry about doing novenas "wrong." The intention is what matters.

[JMJ]

More on St. Monica: Her husband was also converted through her prayers and gentleness, and she is the patron saint of married women. I highly recommend reading about her, as she is such an inspiration.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble. As many of the other mammas have pointed out, Satan works overtime when something good is happening. Sometimes, I remember that to encourage me that what I am doing is right. Do you have an RCIA sponsor yet? I would recommend finding a good Catholic woman to sponsor you and talk to you in person.

Be patient and gracious with your husband. This must be very hard for him that his wife is buying into what he believes is a lie. If he thinks that most people are hurt by religion, then he may be afraid for you that you will be hurt. Try to see his concerns as love for you. If he has a problem with you leaving the children with him for so long on Sundays, consider taking one or more of them to Mass and/or RCIA with you. Maybe your sponsor could help you handle the children during Mass.

Allow your husband to be honest about how he feels about this all, and respect his feelings. Don't be angry with him for struggling with your conversion. If he will allow, share your feelings with him. Tell him about the spiritual boost that you get from daily mass. Tell him about the peace that you feel, and that you are searching for what is real.

I know that you're in a very difficult position, not yet fully understanding why the Church teaches everything that it does but having to justify your actions to your husband. What you do know right now is how you feel. If you do need help understanding or justifying particular issues, feel free to ask.

[elanorh]

I'm a lifelong Catholic married in the Church to an agnostic. He agreed that we would raise our children Catholic, and does attend Mass with me sometimes.

There are times that I wish I was married to someone who was in the Knights of Columbus and really active with me at Church. It's not easy carrying most of the weight of raising your children in faith, and it's challenging not being able to discuss spiritual concerns with dh (he'd listen but he just doesn't get it, and gets impatient; I suspect your dh has in common with mine, a frustration with the human imperfections in religion, too).

I think others have given you good advice; I just wanted to let you know that you can get through this, and that even if your dh never converts or becomes active with your faith life, you can make it work.

I do think that this is something you might want to talk about with your sponsor or the priest/deacon who's working with your group. Just so that someone else is praying for you and with you as you go through these challenges.

I don't know whether your dh would be happy about children going to mass or religious ed while you're at RCIA/mass ... but if it makes it easier for him to have someone else care for them while you're going through the process, perhaps your sponsor might know someone who would do this for free or low cost?

[BMG580]

I just saw this and couldn't not respond. I went through RCIA last year and converted and my husband did not. He is supportive as much as he can, though he is agnostic and has very little interest in becoming Catholic himself. I pray for his conversion daily. He has been supportive of the children being raised Catholic thinking it is good for them to have some organized religion/morality presented some place other than just at our home.

He couldn't have been more shocked when I told him I was going to convert. I was in RCIA for many months before I felt comfortable and sure that converting was the right decision, he had really just thought I was interested in Catholicism and taking some classes to learn more (I had done the same thing with the Baha'i Faith and took their Ruhi classes).

The part of conversion that is so difficult for the spouse that is not making such a huge change is accepting the changes in their partner, and they are huge. I know he has felt at times that he didn't sign up to be married to a practicing Catholic and I sort of switched things up on him and he felt unprepared for it. The biggest issue so far for us is NFP. We tried it and I got pregnant and now he is digging in his heels about NOT using it again after I have the baby. We'll see.

I'd say from my own experience to give it time. I do not "force" my husband to participate in any way other than if the children are involved (ie. their baptisms). Give your husband some time, pray for his conversion and also take on specific acts/sacrifices in your own personal life to go along with the prayers for his conversion. For instance, pray a novena, fast, pray the Rosary with your intention being his conversion.

PM me if you want to discuss things in more detail. I have been where you are, I am just a year ahead of you, so let me know if you want some private support.

[The Hidden Life]

Hang in there! I went through RCIA in 2003 (came into the Church from the Presbyterian USA denomination) and my agnoistic/never-went-to-church husband really struggled with it sometimes. Lots of prayer and patience and sensitivity is needed. There is a really good book I highly recommend: "When only one converts" by Lynn Nordhagen.

The happy ending is that my husband came into the Church five years after I did; he was baptized, confirmed and recieved his first communion in 2008 at the age of 39. We an our children are the only Catholics in our families. It is tough-going at times but we are so happy to be united in and nourished by our Faith.

[lizziebits]

I have no concrete advice, but just wanted to let you know that you will be in my prayers. Know that you are supported by the Body of Christ.

[gothnurse3]

I understand. I will pray fro all of you. I " busted" my DH doing the sign of the cross last Sunday....I almost FAINTED.....and said," Thank you God for pulling at his heart strings, he is a wonderful man, please let him be a child of God too. It can happen....just keep praying. God never sleeps.

[chfriend]

Here's a link that might help with a novena. http://sacredspace.ie/en/novena/

May your husband find a peaceful place around your changes and may you have peace in your home.

[ledzepplon]

You've gotten some good advice here, but I just wanted to let you know that I'll be praying for you and your husband.

[Navy_Wife]

I know how you feel. I'm going through the same problem. My husband was agnostic (raised methodist) when we got married and said he would not mind at all if I raise the kids Catholic. Now just recently after he came back from a 3 month deployment, I learned he went to atheism, finds Catholicism pretty much as an "evil organization", and is scared that the kids would just be lied to if we take them to CCD. I'm a practicing Catholic and very active, helping with the ministry of the eucharist and teaching CCD to Pre-K. But I am a HORRIBLE debater. I have the hardest time defending the Catholic faith cause I can't seem to get the words out that I want to say, or just don't remember the reason behind why we do things. It hurts everytime he bashes my faith or just God. But as much as he hates Catholicism, he'll come with me to mass on Sundays when he's not working, and every once in a while to the Cenacle (all on his choice. I never forced him to come. He only comes because he wants to be with me.).

So yeah, I can see where you are coming from. I hope and pray that our husbands will at least give our faith a chance or at least God. But support is something that we can all use when we feel like we are alone or outnumbered.

[InchByInch]

Originally Posted by Navy_Wife

But I am a HORRIBLE debater. I have the hardest time defending the Catholic faith cause I can't seem to get the words out that I want to say, or just don't remember the reason behind why we do things. It hurts everytime he bashes my faith or just God. But as much as he hates Catholicism, he'll come with me to mass on Sundays when he's not working, and every once in a while to the Cenacle (all on his choice. I never forced him to come. He only comes because he wants to be with me.).

This might sound a little strange, but if you have trouble getting the words out in a debate, can you guys talk about it via e-mail? That way you can be articulate, you have time to research your answers, you can both say everything you want to say without being interrupted, and you have the added bonus of not having a heated discussion in front of the kid(s). It's just a thought.

I do have a question for you, though; what is the Cenacle you're referring to?

[Tuesday]

Just wanted to say wow, thanks for all the wonderful advice. I'm taking the RCIA as well and dealing with a lapsed somewhat agnostic and often bitter Catholic DH. You've made me realize I'm not alone and given me some great food for thought. I went to my sponsor with this issue but she is a very very senior (i.e. old) woman and she says she doesn't know anyone who is not a believer and she wasn't much help! I'm so glad I found this thread.
Cherrybomb- I'll take note - I've been experiencing a lot of doubts and issues and thought it was just me!

[jlpumkin]

Just a note sending prayers for all of you! DH and I wentn through RCIA together in 2007. I have such respect for your strength. It's quite a journey to take, and to swim it alone is an awesome feat!

[Navy_Wife]

Originally Posted by InchByInch

This might sound a little strange, but if you have trouble getting the words out in a debate, can you guys talk about it via e-mail? That way you can be articulate, you have time to research your answers, you can both say everything you want to say without being interrupted, and you have the added bonus of not having a heated discussion in front of the kid(s). It's just a thought.

I do have a question for you, though; what is the Cenacle you're referring to?

I wish I thought of that, Thanks! I just sent him an email with your suggestion to him but hadn't gotten a response yet. His ship's mail is finnicky and sometimes things don't go through, so I might have to send it again. We are currently trying to get our internet set up at our house, so responses are pretty slow us, with me going to the library when I can, which is probably once/twice a week.

I don't know if there are different types of Cenacles, but the one the base Catholic Church has are on fridays where we pray the rosary and the divine mercy, sing a couple songs, and listen to some writings (don't remember the name of the book they are in. I just know it's blue with a picture of a priest and the statue of Mary on the side of him) from people whom Mary have visited I believe. Also we have the First Friday Mass when the day comes for it. After that, we have a potluck and talk and can "line dance" to some songs. A lot of them just like doing a single cha-cha dance lol. I made a lot of friends there and it has help me feel better during times when I'm feeling down.

[InchByInch]

Originally Posted by Navy_Wife

I wish I thought of that, Thanks! I just sent him an email with your suggestion to him but hadn't gotten a response yet. His ship's mail is finnicky and sometimes things don't go through, so I might have to send it again. We are currently trying to get our internet set up at our house, so responses are pretty slow us, with me going to the library when I can, which is probably once/twice a week.

I don't know if there are different types of Cenacles, but the one the base Catholic Church has are on fridays where we pray the rosary and the divine mercy, sing a couple songs, and listen to some writings (don't remember the name of the book they are in. I just know it's blue with a picture of a priest and the statue of Mary on the side of him) from people whom Mary have visited I believe. Also we have the First Friday Mass when the day comes for it. After that, we have a potluck and talk and can "line dance" to some songs. A lot of them just like doing a single cha-cha dance lol. I made a lot of friends there and it has help me feel better during times when I'm feeling down.

I'm so glad you like the e-mail idea!

And glad to also hear you're enjoying the church activities on base... they sound nice. I wonder if the book you're referring to is "To the Priests: Our Lady's Beloved Sons" (http://www.amazon.com/Priests-Our-La...8353361&sr=8-9)... My dad just had me order one of those for him, and that was the first thing I thought of when I read your book description!