that 9 year old AGAIN - Page 2

[jrabbit]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

Can you leave some protein snacks out during the day? Maybe cut a plate of cheese and crackers between meals and put it out, or leave out bowls of nuts? It would be best to avoid the whole issue altogether by serving high protein snacks before she has gotten to the point of demanding.

Yes, there is self-serve food always available. And she usually goes to the grocery store with us, so she's participating in the picking out of food. I can't really leave food out because it seems to always get spilled, but the pantry is arranged so snacks are at eye level, and the fridge is, too. When she's cranky, she wants salty snacks, though, and that seems to be one of our constant arguments. I think she's growing and eating more rather suddenly. Her diet has always been good, and she's always been good at choosing healthy food, but right now, she isn't doing that. So, she gets to that starving point out of sheer stubbornness. I think I'm going to try to add a meal to the day - like an 11:00 brunch and a 2:00 lunch - instead of a 12:00 lunch with snacking all day long.

Originally Posted by sunnmama

Come up with some stock answers for these moods, so you don't get into arguments, and also so that your response is very predictable (that is important for my dd....it works better if I am very consistent/predictable, even down to using the exact phrasing, rather than discussing and "working with her" when she is feeling edgy).

yes, I do respond the same way nearly every time, to the extent that the girls know what I'm gonna say. "that is not an acceptable way of expressing anger" "you do not get what you want when you whine and beg"

Annie is clearly dealing with puberty-hormones, I just hope that we can survive them without sending her to boarding school. (we homeschool, too, so I'm with them 24/7)

--janis

[Viola]

Originally Posted by jrabbit

I seriously was "THIS CLOSE" to slapping the #$*(& out of her. I even grabbed her arm, pinched her and said "I want to hurt you, and believe me, I'll regret that." I was beyond angry. This had gone on for over 2 hours, while I was trying to get things packed for the trip. We don't hit our children! But I wanted to!!!

Oh, I know this feeling well. I have no useful suggestion, but I know how you feel. The thing with the baby, though, that would really bother me. She should understand by his age that she should not treat her sister that way, but in the heat of the moment she wants to get a big reaction out of you. I don't know what you've done so far, but I think you could talk to her when she is calm and bring up the issue of her stealing the baby, and tell her all that you want to about it being unacceptable, behavior that will not be tolerated with consequences which may include something like her not being permitted to carry, hold or touch her sister. But also if she is generally loving towards her sister, remind her of how she loves her and how you appreciate her love, concern and care she gives, and you want to know you can trust her to be kind, even when she is angry.

Then I think you probably will have to monitor her carefully, and if you think the emotional situation is escalating to where she will grab the baby, be there to stop it. If she does get a hold of her and scream in her face, causing her to cry, and then runs away from her, I think the first thing to do is to not chase her. You know your 9 year old best, so you would know if she would escalate things, but I think the best you can do besides ignoring it, is to calmly make a command that she return the baby to you, repeating the keywords you've talked about during your calm conversation, and then being quiet and give her a chance to do the right thing. Then you may have to keep her away from the baby for awhile, reminding her that you absolutely MUST be able to trust her not to hurt the baby because she is pissed off, or she just won't be given any responsibilities in that way.

And if you have no privileges to revoke at the point in time she is acting up, that is OK, I think. I mean sometimes I don't want to escalate things even further by taking away more and more privileges (and sometimes I do, LOL), so I will let them calm down by watching tv or playing with a toy whatever it is that is acceptable to them at the time. But then later, when they want something else, I might explain why I'm not willing to do that at this point in time but how it might be a privilege to be earned.

My 10 year old went through a phase like this, and she's getting better, but she might not give a fig all day. Eventually, however, she'd be sad and talk to me about how she was feeling, usually before bedtime, and we could have a discussion about what went on. A lot of times she was actually feeling guilty about something she had done that at the time she seemed really committed to--like hitting her sister or some such thing. So just have ways to remind her of our talk and what we had decided when she was calm would be useful, I found.

[Magella]

I agree with sunnmama.

I have a 10 year old who tends to become irritable when she hasn't eaten in awhile. Quite awhile ago I realized that trying to get her to eat when she's refusing to eat is to engage in a power struggle that will get us nowhere. It just makes things worse to engage in that. It really is her responsibility to eat when she's hungry. And it's also her responsibility to control her behavior even if she's irritable from hunger.

I found it helpful to separate the food issue from the behavior issue. When I saw signs that dd was getting hungry (sometimes the first sign was some irritability), I would suggest a snack or ask if she was hungry. It was then up to her to eat or not it. If/when her behavior became inappropriate (whether or not it was related to hunger), I addressed the behavior without bringing food into it. So if she began screaming at someone or hitting or just being rude, I would either have her take a time-out or remind her to use a different tone of voice or whatever. But I would not bring food into it at all at that point.

There was a period of time when dd needed to become more aware of her bodily state, and how it could affect her mood. She just wasn't good at being aware that she was hungry, and that because she was hungry she was irritable. To address that, we talked about it at calm times (when she was calm, and not hungry). I'd just say "I've noticed that sometimes if you haven't eaten in awhile, you get really cranky. Then when you eat you feel better. Have you noticed that?" It was never a major discussion, just pointing it out. Seemed to help, eventually.

My dd also has an anxiety disorder. She's anxious a lot. For her, that still tends to come out not as verbalized worries but as irritability, yelling at siblings, being rude--just generally unpleasant behavior. While I understand that anxiety is behind it all (and that she feels awful), and I do help her with the anxiety piece of it, I also think it's important for her to learn to manage her behavior even when she's anxious, so that she isn't lashing out at people. I think the food/hunger situation is no different.

Also, The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is an excellent book. Helped our family so much.

[BabyMae09]

Originally Posted by A&A

"that" 9 year old?? Really, mama, did you just call your daughter "that" 9 year old??

Take a look at your own attitude, first.

way to be supportive. some kids are harder than others to deal with day after day. especially if they're hitting and screaming at a baby!!

[Bea]

Originally Posted by A&A

"that" 9 year old?? Really, mama, did you just call your daughter "that" 9 year old??

Take a look at your own attitude, first.

Good advice to look at your own attitude.

Whose attitude?

The frustrated mother whose phraseology reeks of her desperation, seeking advice from her peers or the self righteous stranger passing judgment from on high.

?