Help! She's driving me crazy...

[madis81]

And I feel so bad for even saying that. I have a 22 month-old who is just wild, and stubborn. She hits, kicks, and has this terrible scream that she thinks is hilarious. We live in an apartment and I am sure my neighbors do not appreciate hearing her scream. She does this when she wants her way, when shes mad, sad, glad, and when she is looking for a laugh. Did I mention how much she loves to throw her food and refuses to nap? Really, she is a sweet little baby, but she has these moments of terror that I am having a hard time handling.

Grandma (mil) thinks we need to "pop her in the mouth" when she screams, and if that don't work "spank her". Seriously, grandma is OLD SCHOOL. And she is coming to visit this weekend. How do I handle her comments and her wanting to smack hands, spank bottoms and mouths? I'm sure she won't hesitate to smack a hand, and she has in the past. That needs to stop!

And my speech to my DH regarding his mom and saying something is "you married me, had sex with me, and made a child with me. Not your mama."
He has said something to her in the past, the last time she smacked a hand, about how we don't do that. But because of recent remarks, I'm sure she needs a reminder.

SOOO.... How do I handle her behaviour and redirect it? And how do I assertively, yet politely, tell my mil that spanking and smacking isn't going to happen and to drop the subject because we are the parents and we decide how we discipline?

[rabbitmum]

I hope you found a way to deal with your MIL, and that she hasn't given you (or your daughter) too much of a hard time!

[lisavark]

I have a 20 month old DD who also LOVES to scream. I think it's a girl thing. If she's doing it for fun, we actually often tell her to scream louder. Oddly, this works really well, and a lot of times she'll stop screaming or only pretend to scream really quietly. But what I'm going to start doing--haven't tried it yet--is to teach her about outside and inside voices. When she screams (for fun, not because she's mad), I'm going to take her outside and say, "Screaming is for outside! Scream now!" And then I'll take her inside and say, "Inside is for inside voices! Whisper! (she knows how to whisper) Talk! (she loves to pretend to talk, and she always uses an appropriately quiet voice for that)." We'll keep practicing that, and then hopefully when she starts screaming I can say, "But wait! We're inside! Inside voice!"

Not sure how well that would work in an apartment, though! I would use it in an apartment if I had somewhere I could go completely outside, like a balcony or something.

If she's screaming because she's mad, we do the Happiest Toddler on the Block thing. I highly recommend that book if you haven't read it. Basically you echo their emotions and sort of match their level of emotion with your tone of voice and facial expressions until they calm down. Then you can redirect or even explain. Like, if DD really wants something she can't have, I'll say, "You're mad! MAD! You want the electric cord! You WANT the cord! Cord cord cord! You say, 'MY cord! MINE!'" I keep talking like that until she calms down. Then I say, "But you can't play with the cord, sweetheart. It's dangerous! You could get shocked!" If she starts crying/screaming again, I go back to echoing her emotions. But often by then she'll repeat what I said: "Shock!" she'll say, and she'll nod her head. And then she'll be fine. It's pretty amazing.

As far as MIL, I would definitely talk to her before anything happens. Just sit her down when she first arrives (not immediately, but after she's had a chance to settle in, etc.) and tell her that you know your parenting style is different from what hers was, but you and DH are happy with your decisions on how to raise DD and how to discipline her. And hitting for any reason is not allowed in your house, period. If she says it's not working, give her some studies and statistics on the long-term effectiveness of GD and explain that it's not always "effective" in the short-term but you're concerned about the long-term impact.

[Krisis]

Lisa, trust me. It's not a girl thing. Although DS definitely goes up to highest soprano ranges when he screams his fool head off...