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soooo frustrated!

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
I just found out that we're having twins three weeks ago. Before that I knew I was getting bigger than typical but passed it off as me expecting #3 and being a tiny person (5'3" and 108# pre-PG).

But, it seems that since people know that I'm expecting twins they're being super mean about the size of my belly. I'm not gaining anywhere else so yes, it's big, but I almost wonder if they think I don't already know!

And as if the belly comments aren't bad enough I'm getting sick of people telling me how uncomfortable I'm going to get or how hard it'll be to have twins. I'm actually getting super excited about it and I'm ready to take on the challenge. Not to mention, I'd rather be uncomfortable for the next 17 weeks than have NICU time.

I just wish people could be positive and supportive rather than dishing out criticisms. Whenever they mention something about me being uncomfortable I just say, "well, please pray that I'm not" or if they mention bedrest or NICU time I just say, "please pray that these babies are fat and healthy at term" but it is getting frustrating.

And, the, "are these natural twins?" Is there such thing as unnatural twins? I mean, I know they're asking if I did fertility treatments but it just seems like an insensitive question. No, I didn't, but I don't feel as if that is any of their business. Especially strangers!

Sorry to vent but I figured if anybody at all knows what I'm talking about it would be all of you.
post #2 of 30
Oh yes mama. I am right there with you. I hear comments all the time about the size of my belly.

Just last week I heard "Wow, you are going to look like the broad side of a barn!"

People can be so hurtful. The stares and the comments have me not wanting to go out in public very often.

Oh and I get "Do twins run in your family?" All. the. time. I just say "Nope, just lucky, I guess!" I find that when I am upbeat and positive about having the babies, the comments about how much my life is going to suck decrease.
post #3 of 30
I felt like part of learning to be a twin mom involved learning to field the rude and sometimes downright horrifying comments the general public feels free to make! Once I was at breakfast at a restaurant and the lady cashing me out actually said "Oh, I'm SO sorry" when I told her we were expecting twins just after I'd told her we had four children. I was horrified. I was just making small talk and this lady acted like I'd just announced I was dying.

Anyway, I'd like to tell you it stops but it just gets worse before it gets better. We get a LOT less comments now that my twins are growing out of the baby days. But when they were newborns we got stopped every 15 feet. Just going to the grocery store was a challenge sometimes. I mean, there are some days you just want to grab that loaf of bread without having to answer "yes, they're all mine, no we don't have two sets of twins, yes, those two are twins, no they are NOT identical..." Sometimes it's fun and people can be rather delightful. And some days they can be really ugly and mean ("don't you know what CAUSES THAT?!").

You are going to be a beautiful twin Mama. Hang in there.
post #4 of 30
Thread Starter 
Thanks ladies! I had a feeling I wasn't alone.

Last night I went to a h.s. football game and everyone was super nice. Besides saying that I'd have my hands full, something I'm fully aware of, they were supportive and happy for me. So that was nice to see.

I'm not looking forward to the grocery store. My DD is tiny so my DS is almost exactly the same size as she is. I've already gotten twin comments. Now it'll look like I have two sets of twins. I'm sure that'll completely amaze a good number of people.
post #5 of 30
Yes, yes, and yes. I get, "Do twins run in your family" all.the.time.
post #6 of 30
Yeah, I have heard all this, too. At first it would startle me each time, but I have become used to it and now am just amused by what people say. I don't think their intentions are bad. It is just a situation that they just can't fathom.

I get asked if twins run in the family.
People tell me that they are glad it is me, not them, who will have to deal with twins.
"Are they natural?" has always been one of my favorites. I find myself trying to envision them being artificial!
The first time I was asked if they were spontaneous caught me off guard. I now know that "spontaneous" means the same as "natural", and, yes, they are both "spontaneous" and "natural". But at first, I was confused and would say that, they weren't very spontaneous since we were intentionally trying to become pregnant.
post #7 of 30
They're just jealous. . . seriously.
post #8 of 30
I just saw this on the main list and thought i'd jump in, I'm only expecting one (that I know of!). I wanted to give you the perspective of someone who is new to pregnancy, and knows very little about twins.
On the "belly size" topic, I think most people seem to think that as soon as you get pregnant, you no longer worry about your "shape". I know I definitely used to think that. I thought that once you got pregnant, you'd be happy to have people commenting on your belly. Now I know that as a pregnant person, I think about my shape all the time. I hate it when people say "you're not showing at all yet", or "Now I can definitely tell!" But I would never have guessed before my own experience. I was just trying to make conversation when I said the same things, and empathize with the woman.
As to the twins issue... the "I'm sorry" comments are over the line, I agree. But asking if they run in your family - I think most people are honestly curious. Twins are a mystical, magical thing to a lot of people. Some really wish they could have twins, some are terrified! I know I'm always curious when I hear about multiples (not twins, but triplets up) whether they were the result of fertility treatment or not. I don't ask, but I still wonder. I wonder, what are the chances of that happening naturally, and what are the chances of it happening to me?

Just wanted to let you know that most people are very well meaning, and probably just want to share your experience or empathize with you. You can choose to educate them, play along, or be rude.

I know this is only marginally related, but... I have Great Danes and because of their size and stature it is impossible to walk them anywhere without ridiculous questions. (30 minutes to "run in" to Petsmart) I can completely sympathize with you guys on the annoyances. ("Who's walking who?" "Do you have a saddle for that thing?") But I view it as my responsibility to this beautiful breed to educate the people I see who have poor or no information. You could look at your twins the same way.
post #9 of 30
Thread Starter 
Gosh, I do love Great Danes! What beautiful animals. I'd have to stop you just to admire them.

I definitely understand where you are coming from triony but I'm not really getting this from strangers- it's from mostly family. Especially the more negative and critical comments.

I don't mind being asked nicely if people express an interest in the topic. The problem is many people aren't being nice. They treat it more like I've been diagnosed with a terminal illness (i.e, "Oh no, that's terrible.") I'm still pretty mystified about the whole thing and I don't mind positive attention or answering questions. It just seems like the majority of the attention I'm getting is pretty negative.
post #10 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Valerieg View Post
Gosh, I do love Great Danes! What beautiful animals. I'd have to stop you just to admire them.

I definitely understand where you are coming from triony but I'm not really getting this from strangers- it's from mostly family. Especially the more negative and critical comments.

I don't mind being asked nicely if people express an interest in the topic. The problem is many people aren't being nice. They treat it more like I've been diagnosed with a terminal illness (i.e, "Oh no, that's terrible.") I'm still pretty mystified about the whole thing and I don't mind positive attention or answering questions. It just seems like the majority of the attention I'm getting is pretty negative.
That was actually my experience as well. The negativity did wane after the twins were born and switched over to admiration (although annoying a times at least it wasn't as negative). I found it to be a strange dichotomy, actually. Like I'd done something wrong to get pregnant with twins. Some views of fertility treatments are negative I guess--probably spurred by people like Kate Gosslin and Nadya Suleman and that spills over to other MoMs. I did not get that question a ton; I suppose because I already had four children and people figured to have them all that close together I was rather fertile. But I did get a lot of negative comments about having such a "big" family or having them so close together. One 'gentleman' asked me if I knew how to keep my legs closed. In the middle of Home Depot, if you can believe it.
post #11 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Intertwined View Post
One 'gentleman' asked me if I knew how to keep my legs closed. In the middle of Home Depot, if you can believe it.
Not in your DDC or a MoM but I just had to I mean, seriously?! Can someone really be that rude..even jokingly? I really can NOT imagine saying that to anyone. Wow.
post #12 of 30

saw this in new posts and although can't comment on the twins comments as i don't have them myself i can totatally relate to the size comments i actually remember with my 1st someone saying i looked like i was having quads : although think he was just winding me up as it was one of my dads friends, but with my all pregnancies people would say are you sure it's not twins or with my last 2 i got comments like "god haven't you had that baby yet" it wouldn't be as bad had i been anywhere near my due date but i was only like 6 months when these comments started.
post #13 of 30
I'm not a twin mom, but I read your problems with great interest because I was huge with huge babies. I would avoid those snarky people at all costs. I also had my babies late in life and was fortunate enough to conceive naturally. Still, people asked me whether I conceived naturally, and it was really none of their beeswax. I would just be "too busy" to be around anyone who is snarky.

I actually feel a lot of compassion for people who are snarky. Their inner unhappiness is reflected in their outside behavior.
post #14 of 30
Not sure how I keep finding myself posting in the multiples forum!! I keep finding myself drawn here and then I constantly seem to have something to say !

I just wanted to give you a big hug!

People are so consistent in being so insensitive and daft!! I try to keep my sense of humour with me at all times to help me cope with their idiotic and thoughtless comments! The spontaneous question had me in hysterics! I am always fascinated why people care about the conception? Who cares if it was natural or IVF. You made a baby or 2 or 3! How cool. Pregnancy is a miracle one way or another!

Like some of the PPs I received a bunch of these with my pregnancies! I also carry super large from very early on, as if as soon as I am pregnant for 5 minutes, my uterus just pops out to about 8 months pregnant in anticipation!!

My own family are particularly trying. We have 4 and might have more. #2 arrived very promptly after #1 and everyone kept asking if she was an accident. Subsequent pregnancies thats the first thing out of their mouth...did you plan this? AAAAHHHH. Yup we did, and congrats would be kinda nice!

And the really annoying things they say in front of my 4 young children: wow...you have your hands full, they look like trouble, you must be exhausted! Seriously? They CAN HEAR YOU. They are right here beside me and they are not trouble and I chose to have them and while parenting can certainly have its exhausting moments I prefer my much loved and much chosen children don't bear the responsibility of feeling like they "exhaust" me. They are awesome and inspiring and fun now leave us alone!!

[COLOR="Magenta"]Anyway, Mama congrats to you and your beautiful family on your beautiful pregnancy. I wish you much joy and extra patience for people and their annoying comments. And I wish you a beautiful, healthy wonderful full term pregnancy. Those babies are so lucky to have picked you! In a global recession I think it is just brilliant that you were able to find anyt[/COLOR]hing where you get 2 for the price of 1!!! What a bargain!

PS: Completely off topic, but would you wonderful Moms of Multiples Mamas prefers non multiple moms do not post? Are you wanting only people with true multiple experience to share? Sorry if that is an odd question, but MDC is my first online forum and I am sometimes a little uncertain about online etiquette etc.
post #15 of 30
Thread Starter 
IMO, unless it is 100% related to having multiples, I love hearing the opinions and thoughts of everyone. But that's just me.

I do appreciate the support. Nice to know that I'm not alone in this. And it is good to hear that sometimes the comments subside once the babies are born. Considering I am told I need a lot of help and only my in-laws are close I'm either going to get really good at shrugging it off or laughing!
post #16 of 30
oh goodness, im not a small person to start with , and yeah my body has done all this before ,
and yes my uterus seems to be one of those that the second the hcg is there it bolloons out ,,, so yeah i am expecting twins yes theyre unbelieveable ,

yes i know how to keep my legs closed but we were in a different position would have been my response to home depot man , and just walked away .


we have a 9 yo dd and a 4 yo dd at home now, and expecting one of each in feb
so 4 kids in the family , and im sure ill hear all sorts of comments, though i think my personality tends to stave that off ..

i know i told one lady at the store the other day to her comment you must be ready to have them and all i responded was yep only 92 more days till my due date and walked away and let her puzzle on that for a while ...

Beth
post #17 of 30
I think posting here is completely appropriate as long as it's not something along the lines of "you think YOU have it hard....". Those posts kinda rub me the wrong way. Unless you've had more than one baby the same age at the same time you really DON'T KNOW! (that goes for my family and friends, as well )
post #18 of 30
For me it was the negativity that drove me batty and the assumption that I'd have to be on bedrest at some point.

My babies were due March 31. By mid-December I was as big as a full-term singleton pregnancy. So I'd hear, "Christmas baby?" "No, twins in March." "Oh, you'll never make it that far! You're so big already!!!" I realize it was strangers making conversation, they didn't really care when my babies were born and weren't thinking that what they were actually saying was that I'd have preemies in the NICU, but it was totally irritating. I was just trying to pick up a cup of tea, not hear a strangers' commentary about the fate of my pregnancy.

Most people just don't think before they talk.
post #19 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by wbg View Post
And the really annoying things they say in front of my 4 young children: wow...you have your hands full, they look like trouble, you must be exhausted! Seriously? They CAN HEAR YOU. They are right here beside me and they are not trouble and I chose to have them and while parenting can certainly have its exhausting moments I prefer my much loved and much chosen children don't bear the responsibility of feeling like they "exhaust" me. They are awesome and inspiring and fun now leave us alone!!
.[/I]
Oh I used to say the same thing -- my kids can hear you! They do speak English! Having a boy after twin girls, all I would hear every time I left the house was, "You FINALLY got your boy!" As if all I'd been doing was running all over town saying how I was hoping for a boy. I remember a cashier at the grocery store literally yelling this to me as we attempted to walk out the door.
post #20 of 30
GAAAH!! I hear you all on this one. I had someone who works in a maternity store tell me that she "feels sorry for me". Seriously?!?!?! Craziness.

As a mama who conceived via IVF I find the "are they natural? did you do fertility treatments?" questions very rude and insensitive. I'm sure they're just curious, but, um, thanks for rubbing salt in the wound. It really is none of your business. INfertility already has such a stigma and it is frustrating to know that because I ended up pg with multiples instead of a singleton that people will continually dredge up that question. At least the "does it run in your family?" question is easy to dodge. I just say "nope" and smile. That usually discourages the "did you take fertility drugs" question.

I have a girlfriend who has twins and she used to get so annoyed at the IVF/IF questions she would get - her twins were not concieved with ART. I can imagine that would get annoying. For me, though, it actually hurts since it dredges up a painful time for me, yk?

Sorry to rant . . . apparently this is a sore spot for me these days
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