Privacy vs. sharing the experience

[Youngfrankenstein]

This will be my first homebirth here in the next few weeks. I feel like I have a small group of people who are invited to watch the baby be born (not be here while I'm laboring). I have always pictured myself sharing this amazing moment of birth with friends and family.

OTOH, I can picture me, mw, and dh crammed in our tiny bathroom with the bathtub and just doing it alone...

It may sound silly, but I don't want to "waste" this amazing opportunity to share and I certainly feel NO obligation to involve others, I'm kind of playing it by ear...but it's it wrong to change my mind at the last minute and just make it simple?

Anyone felt this way?

[crunchy_mama]

My approach is to promise nothing as I didn't want to invite anyone there out of obligation. I had my mom, doula and dh there for the first birth in a hospital. The only people I wanted last time was dh and the mw. This time I have some friends I have thought of inviting- I know they would love to be here, but I am not sure if I will be up for it- although I have them on call in case I need them for the kids. So, my plan is to just play it by ear- dh goes along w/ whatever. I am sure my mom would drop whatever if I invited her, but I think her feelings would be more hurt if I told her I wanted her there and didn't invite her. I know the last 2 times I really felt that strong need for privacy.

I do like the thought of sharing it, but in the moment it just hasn't felt right at all, I couldnt do it.

[JorgieGirl]

I did for my first birth. As a labouring woman you reserve the right at ANY MOMENT to change your mind about who is present at your birth. I did invite my sisters and mom and knew that I would absolutely want them there. Now that I am planning my second homebirth, I have invited two friends in addition to the family that I had present (along with two mw's and my hubby). They understand that I can request privacy at any moment, and I know they wont be offended by that. We've discussed it. They've also both had babies and know what it's like.

I think as long as your potential guests understand that you might want privacy and it's of no offense to them, you are set up well. If you think you have a potential guest who might bully their way around anyway, I might reconsider inviting that person.

Also, take into account how big your house is. If there is plenty of room for guests to wait in another area of the house for awhile, that might be a good medium. Having caring people around after birth can be priceless for some moms. And EVERYONE wants to help out when there is a brand spanking new baby there. Your laundry will get done, your dishes will get done, you will have meals made up for you and you'll be ordered to rest in with your baby. It might be nice.

Can't wait to hear your birth story. Best wishes for an easy birth and a wonderful experience!

[Daisie125]

My first natural birth (free standing birth center) I only planned for one other person there besides DH and the midwife - it was great. Then with DD (homebirth, same midwife) my house was full (MIL, my mom, SIL, midwife, apprentice, DH, DS & Me) - I thought it would be this great experience full of family and all I ended up wanting was to be left alone... I even kicked DS & MIL out while I was pushing

This time I am TOTALLY playing it by ear. Honestly, if I had it the way I really wanted it, it would be me, DH, the kids & the midwife... but the midwife brings an assistant and I need someone there for the kids... so it's already more people than I really want.

Anyway, just saying, playing it by ear and see how you feel at the time is probably your best option as long as you let everyone know up front

[lizvt]

I think as the birthing woman, you have the right to call all the shots. If you want privacy, and that is what you need to have a smooth and comfortable labor and birth, you can make that call at any time. Now or in the moment....

Of course, during labor all I wanted was to kneel with my head in my DH's lap....no other talking, touching, etc and never even considered inviting friends or family. To me, it has always just felt like a very personal, private moment to share with my DH and now maybe my son if he wants to be there. sooooo of course I can relate with calling off the big birthing party. just me...

[gabeyho]

My DD2 was my first natural/athome VBAC. It was just me, dh, and the mw, and it was wonderful! There was no stress, no need to tune out what others in the room might have been saying to each other, NO distractions whatsoever. With DD3 and DD4 I was at the hospital and aside from the staff (which is SO annyoing!) I had dh, MIL, my mom, and at one of them even my dad (but he left when things started getting too serious!). So, it is difficult enough to tune out the nursing staff, but then you have extra people who are trying to be quiet but you are extra sensitive and aware that they are whispering to each other, and it is maybe annoying, but you are trying to just ignore it because it's not important, but it's one more thing ruining your concentration. One of the major reasons I am having a HB this time. Even so, my idea of just me and dh quickly included my bf, who begged to come and is totally awesome, and now includes another dear friend who offered to be the photographer (for FREE, how could I say no?). Everyone has been put on alert to act like they're not there, stop breathing if that's what it takes to be quiet, or to otherwise be ordered to leave with no hard feelings. LOL. I am excited to have some great pics and to share this with my wonderful friend who is just a few months behind me, but also worried about being distracted by their presence....so we shall see how it goes in the moment. I am kind of thinking having my friend there will be really helpful, since dh is typically NOT helpful, and I don't want to be worrying about ME having to tell HIM what to do, since it should be the other way around!

[Sweetiemommy]

Our first birth we had a midwife, her assistant, my dh, my mom and a friend. Honestly, it was a bit much. My in-laws came over in the hours following the birth and I am so glad they were not there during. It was fine to have them there at the end.

Our second birth, it was the same midwife and assistant, dh and my mom there to care for the kids, but no friends, it wasn't necessary. It was nice to have my mom there for the older child when he woke up, but I would have been happy with just my dh and the midwives.

Third baby, it will be the same thing, I am considering inviting another friend who is a little more reverent to the situtation, but I am not sure. Again, I think it would be nice to just have dh and midwives, maybe the kids can spend the night at Grandma's this time??? Maybe I am a birth scrooge, but you really need to have the right people there. I have heard of friends making insensitive comments about the birth, during and/or afterwards or witnessed fearful mothers or family members changing the energy in the room. You need people who will be helpful and reverent, not just spectators. If it is your first, I would err on the side of less people or no one and you can always invite more people to other births that you might have.