Recovering from c-section

[Spiralshell]

Nate was born by c-section on the 27th, and I am still feeling very run down, physically and emotionally.
I continue to feel a lot of pain, and it's keeping me from getting back to any kind of normal routine. I have been sleeping out on the couch (where I also spent the last month and a half of pregnancy) and tried last night to sleep back in the bed with DP, but it was so difficult to position myself to pick Nate up from the cosleeper, get myself in a good position to feed him, get up out of bed, etc. Anytime I turn to one side or the other, even just to try to roll out of bed, I get horrible hot stabbing pains low in my abdomen that take my breath away. Ugh.
I keep trying to do things around the house -- some laundry, some tidying up, etc. but if I pick up anything even remotely heavy, or do more than just a little bit of bending over, my bleeding starts again big time. This is really frustrating because the house is a wreck.
And then on top of all that, I am still feeling very mixed and confused emotions about the c-section. Yes, of course I am glad to be healthy and to have avoided seizures or magnesium sulfate (I had preeclampsia) and I am glad that Nate is healthy (he had the cord around his neck 3 times and was decelerating during my long induced labor). I feel ungrateful when people say, "Well all you could want is to have a healthy baby, right?" Yes, of course. But I also wanted to give birth to him, not have him cut out of me. I know there was no other choice, but it still hurts. I have to skim the birth stories here on our DDC, because they make me cry... so many mamas with beautiful, powerful, natural births. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am lucky to have a gorgeous, healthy baby boy. He is perfect, and I love him so much. I just wish that I could have had him on my own -- I feel like my body failed. I had spent 9 months believing so deeply in the awesome power of my body to create this person and bring him into the world, and in the last hours of pregnancy, I was proven wrong.
I think I need time to process all of this, and to heal so that it doesn't all feel so fresh. I have to admit that I am incredibly jealous of the mamas here who had natural births -- both because I know that 2 weeks after birth they are probably feeling great while I still can't sit up, and because they had an experience which I so badly wanted but didn't get. I know that in a few weeks or months it won't sting so sharply, physically or emotionally, but for now it does.

Sorry to rant and whine... but it feels good to type this here... there's no one out here that I can talk to about this because everyone just keeps poo-pooing my feelings and telling me that I should be grateful, etc. etc.

[artekah]

I'm so sorry and I hope you heal fully & quickly. I am positive that you are not alone here, and lots of women know exactly how you feel.

Congratulations on your LO!

[gumby74]

I'm in the c-section club. This one was a repeat c-section, but my first was very much an emergency c-section. I thought the healing was going to be so much easier this time around because that is what everyone was telling me. By far....this one was harder. I had my c-section on the 22nd and I still have lots of moments when I turn the wrong way or move too fast while using my stomach muscles and I feel like someone is pouring alcohol into an open wound. It's horrible! What I discovered for me emotionally is that the better I started to feel physically....the better I felt emotionally. When I first came home from the hospital I could hardly move and I really think that affected how I felt emotionally. Pretty much I was a wreck. I truly believe they should have kept me an additional day to recover a little more physically so that emotionally I would have done a little better.

Hang in there and trust that your body needs time to heal. You had major abdominal surgery and the more you push yourself to feel better, the harder it is going to be. After my first c-section I had a lot of bleeding around 6 weeks because I thought I was better. Clearly I wasn't and I ended up regretting it and feeling worse in the long run.

Take Care

[~Caitlyn~]

I'm from the September DDC... just crashing...

I had/have very similar feelings after my daughter was born (October 8th). Still dealing with them, but, wanted to let you know that time has helped, as has talking to people who understand... also, once I physically started feeling better... I think I was able to process things a little better.

Also - It is OK to be sad... even though you have a healthy baby! I know exactly what you mean... it can be really hard when people say that you should be happy because your baby is healthy... of course you are happy that your baby is healthy! You are just sad with your birth experience...Something I heard that helped me with that is: Your baby and your birth are two separate things.

This is copied from an email a friend sent to me after I emailed her with almost your exact post...

"It's ok to be sad
It's ok to cry EVERY DAY!
It's HARD to find people who understand
It's ok and normal to feel more love than you've ever felt while at the same time being depressed
It's ok to not know what you're feeling
Find someone to talk to!"

Anyway... I hope that helps... also - I've heard great things about the ICAN boards... there are also ICAN groups that meet... all women with similar experiences... I'm looking forward to my first meeting next week.

Hugs

[Ofwait]

It really is okay to be sad.... I have had 4 c/s.... and will have a 5th in May.... I still don't read most of the birthstories.... I read the birth trauma forum once... it made me so angry, all these women whining about the one thing that wasn't quite what they wanted, when they got their natural birth.... which isn't fair, but it is often the way I feel.

It has taken a lot of time, and I don't think I will ever get over it... I thought I had and then helped at my identical twin sisters birth, she went with a midwife because of my experience... it was a wonderful birth, and I felt so guilty because I had to get out and go home because it just made me feel so robbed.

[Andel]

I'm in the same boat as you. I ended up having my first csection after 3 wonderful water/home births, my first was born in the hospital as well as my second who was stillborn. What a huge disappoinment it has been. I really didn't expect that I would feel so terrible about the whole thing. This was my last child and really wish it hadn't ended this way.

About recovery, one thing I found a little helpful was my belly bandit. I bought one just for the heck of it, see if it works. It ended up helping with the pain of moving around. I think it supported my muscles a bit and made it easier, especially in bed, where I found it very painful to sleep comfortably or move around when I needed to feed the baby.

[Serenyd]

You have every right to feel robbed.

With time it will get better. Talk to people you know will understand and don't listen to ignorant people.

Speedy Recovery

"You have the right to mourn your birth and your trauma while celebrating your child. These are two different events in your life, even if they are happening simultaneously."
http://ican-online.org

[joyakshi]

Sorry things didn't go how you planned and you are having a hard time now.
I also ended up with a c-section after 70 hours of labor.
I had a long, natural birth plan that I had written up from my 1st trimester.
I ended up with every intervention in the book. AND, I was glad for them and felt relief and grateful for them. I think because I had studied so much about labor to avoid interventions, I felt very informed when the complications started. I also processed things in the moment and quickly as they happened, and we let things play out as long as possible before making a collaborative, pre-emptive decision. But honestly, I was so glad for the interventions at the time.
Now I'm almost 4 weeks out. Still have soreness at the incision site, and still bleed a little bit off and on. Rest and nutrition seem to affect this greatly.
I've also been on pain meds while breastfeeding since the delivery which is not great, but I still need a little something to take the edge off the soreness.
I've second guessed things a little this week for the first time, but when I go back to the actual labor and delivery, I know I had what needed to happen.
I felt so much relief and gratitude for the interventions that got my baby out healthy and safely, and got me through a long and painful labor. And it brought me my baby and it was HER birth, so I look back with nostalgia at it. She was breech until I had a version done, and if I had left her breech I would have had a planned c-section, so I think maybe it was just what was meant to be for her.
I don't feel I missed anything because I went through so much in 70 hours, and at the end I don't think I wanted to go through a natural delivery given our situation/complications/pain level etc. so I was glad for the help getting her out.
Everything in my birth plan was out the window. But every moment of the birth and post-natal care was special and perfect and I remember it all with the awe and love I have for my baby. It was not the ideal I envisioned, but it was my baby's perfect birth.
So I guess I'm saying c-sections can be positive events. And also, you're post-partum and it's easy to be sad or feel loss regardless of what happened.
I also felt my body was failing me right before the surgery, but that didn't last long. I know the situation was bigger than me, and in an earlier time, one of us may not have come out okay in the end without the interventions we have today.
I really hope you feel better. Well, I hope this helps somehow.

[lil_stinkyfeet]

I understand how you feel.. I was able to have 3 natural births and am still feeling disappointed that my 4th ended up in a C-Section. I thought that I would be ok with it since I already got to experience 3 previous natural births but to my surprise it has been very difficult.

Recovery was difficult and i have been in a sense mourning my natural birth that I didn't get. I feel like my baby and I got robbed of a special experience... I was SO looking forward to the deliver and had it all planned out down to every detail, I was trying to convince my dh to catch the baby and it all went out the window I feel like it is my fault and that I did something wrong.

[Sk8ermaiden]

I am not in your DDC (July 09 - sorry!) but I had a homebirth turned transfer and extremely horrible, traumatic section after a long, hard labor (9 hours of pushing!). It took 3 months for me to feel 100% and I still get pangs sometimes. As another said, the emotional for me lined up with the physical as well. After about 3 months I was able to make a plan for the future (HBAC!) and put the pain in a box on a shelf. Some days it still gets me - like when my midwife posts on Facebook about whatever new baby she's delivered and how great the first-time mom's labor was.

My mom really didn't get it why I was so focused on what to do for the "next baby" and it was because the options were either 1) plan for the future or 2) think about the past, detach from my baby, hide in the dark and cry all the time. It is OK to cry about it. It is OK to be jealous of women who get their natural births (the worst ones for me were women who didn't even CARE if they had a section and ended up with easy vaginal births. )

Originally Posted by Andel

About recovery, one thing I found a little helpful was my belly bandit. I bought one just for the heck of it, see if it works. It ended up helping with the pain of moving around. I think it supported my muscles a bit and made it easier, especially in bed, where I found it very painful to sleep comfortably or move around when I needed to feed the baby.

I want to really second the Belly Bandit. My mom bought me one, and I didn't get it until like 2 weeks after the birth, but it helped SO much. Things like sitting up, turning over in bed, riding in the car (oh, the bumps!) did not cause NEAR as much pain because the BB kept everything from sloshing around.

I hope you feel better soon. Talk about it (even if it's only here or to a BFF). One thing that I think really helped me turn the corner was writing a long email about my emotional turmoil to my midwife and my entire birth story (only time I put the WHOLE story down in writing) to my Bradley Coach. I just sobbed for a good hour at the computer while I wrote, and it was important for my feelings to be validated by others in the natural birth community. After getting that virtual hug it was really like I was able to finish processing and move forward emotionally.

[Pookietooth]

You might post over in birth trauma. Everything you've said sounds like many others who have had c-sections. I am so sorry that it happend to you that way. And those who say, "remember, at least you have a healthy baby" are being insensitive. You don't have to listen to them. to you.

[star*mora]

oh i hear you. with ds1 i had an emergency c-section was so angry and had raging ppd and i was sad for a long time. i was angry at my body, i was sad at having a preemie, i resented the nicu and i hated myself. compounding it was a crappy milk supply and ds1 wouldnt latch (i went through 5 lactation consultants) - i never supplemented but i was pumping up to an hour at a time - 10 to 14 times a day. he would scream everytime i tried to latch him. i recovered very quickly physically (no pain meds, not even tylenol) and was going out for walks after 4 days. mentally,spiritually emotionally it tooka long long time - a lot was about feeling like i failed my son, even after he finally latched.

i had hoped for a home birth...i've attended home births as labour support (i'm a registered massage therapist), i'm a pretty natural mama, and i always referred to that birth as him being taken out of me, and me being cut.

you may take a long time to accept whats happened, and know that is ok.

do allow yourself time to mourn the loss of your natural birth. i know i did and was filled with what ifs. allow that - be jealous be sad be pissed off - it'stough and lots of hormones to boot.

this time - failed vbac (didn't quite make it to 37wks so no hbac). but what a different experience. it was a horrible birth (i think you read everett's birth story where my uterus started to tear). i saw the fear in my midwife's face and she is a rock, the urgency in the dr's voice. and frankly, a few minutes later one or both of us may not have survived.

i've had a crap recovery this time - longer to get up and about, nasty bladder infection (blood clots in my urine). i am sad i will never have a vaginal birth...but i am so grateful ds2 had the wisdom to come before 37wks or i would have been at home. and i am so grateful i got to go home with my baby. a bit of latching issues this time...but he latches. i was very reluctant to share his birth story here partly because surgical births are not the norm. am glad i did - not many ppl talk about uterine rupture, and because there are many supportive women here. i do feel twinges of jealousy when i read about homebirths but it wasn't to be.
this time i refer to it more as a surgical birth - because i did give birth to him -as you did!

i worked really hard to get my son to this point, the bedrest the nausea the restrictions - so da>> straight i gave birth to him

ppl will say things like but you have a healthy baby often because they don't know what to say or what you've experienced. i've learned you have to give ppl a bit of slack for that - none of the women i know have had their uterus start to rupture during labour for example so i know that they might not know what to say

regarding a surgical birth - and having traumatic birthing - a few things i wish i knew after the birth of ds1

it may take some time but you gave birth - you carried that baby and nurtured him.

you are not less because you had a surgical birth
you are not weak because you had a surgical birth

it is okay to feel like your body failed you. it didn't succeed in having a vaginal birth. mourn it - really let yourself feel that so you recognize when you succeed and exceed as a mother

give your body the time it needs to heal. scr3w the housecleaning (babies aren't tidy anyhow) find things that will help you let go of the sense of failure(i found body mind treatments helped - sacred sound therapy, crystal therapy, massage, rolfing, quantum touch...several others)

ask for help when you can't manage

be gentle and kind to yourself, it's a major surgery and a major emotional upheaval

know that you won't always feel this sad/angry

all this was typed one handed so there are typos but had to respond

[Kmama2]

HUgs!!!
I haven't had a c section but having one is my greatest fear. I just wanted to say that I think I would feel the exact way you do if I ended up with a c-section. Don't feel bad about mourning the birth experience you have every right to be upset.

[rainbowmoon]

saw this in new posts.

you just had MAJOR abdominal surgery. You should be in bed resting. NOT cleaning. You are seriously going to have to let it go for awhile. I did not after my c/s and it took me 5 months to heal and then another 2 years not to feel pain on a daily basis!!! If I had just let myself heal from the beginning it would have been easier.

Do NOT do laundry if at all possible, bending over and twisting is the WORST thing you can do right now! (putting baby in the car was the worst for me for about 2 years post c/s)

Also bending over a cosleeper is AWFUL. Can you get your hubby to pick up the baby when he is around for you? Can you cosleep on the bed? It will help A LOT as far as the pain. I ended up getting a laundry basket on wheels too which you might think about, it helped alot during those first few weeks where there was no option except for me to do laundry.

Also a nursing stool is perfect for getting in and out of bed.

walking helps. if you can do a short walk everyday and go a bit farther each time you WILL heal faster.

I know the burning stabbing pain you speak of. It will get better in a few weeks but you need to rest and heal.

If you can try to get some help around the house. I know how much it sucks to feel horrible AND have a messy house. BTDT but it WILL get better I promise and you will realize the house stuff is just temporary. What matters the most is healing and bonding with your babe not those dirty dishes or dust bunnies! Don't be afraid to ask for help.

[Spiralshell]

Thank you for your kind words and hugs everyone, it really does make me feel better. I have let myself cry some about the birth, and that feels like I've released a valve and let some pressure out that I had been holding in.

I think that all this is coming to the surface because I am so exhausted... my normal defenses are way way down and everything feels very raw. Little Nate is really congested and we've spent the last few nights in the steamy bathroom and with the snot sucker. We've been nursing pretty much every hour, and I'm really beat. (I should be glad that we're actually nursing... he was having latch problems. I have to use a nipple shield to get him on, but that's still way better than pumping each feeding then giving it to him right away with a dropper or finger feeding like I was doing last week.)
I have a binder from the hospital which is the same as a belly bandit without the cute fabric. I haven't been wearing it consistently, but I started again yesterday. It does help.
I got the hospital bill yesterday, and I owe over $7400. I wasn't expecting that . I am going to contest some of those charges, but that's yet one more thing that needs to be done. Not sure how I will make those calls until he's feeling better. Nothing like a screaming baby to make calls to the insurance company fun!
My mom and my DP don't get along all the time (she's pushy, and criticizes everything he does with the baby)... so I have not been asking her to be here as much as I probably should. He's helpful for some things, but useless for others, like cleaning up. (By no means are we going for a clean house at this point -- I'm happy just to have food put back away after meals so things aren't spoiling on the countertops, and dishes getting into the dishwasher. But I have been doing that all myself.) I have been doing a ton of bending, so even though I'm not lifting, I'm still straining.
DP is back to work now, so I'm going to have my mom come for the next few days to help.
Taking it one day (sometimes one hour) at a time...

[fyrebloom]

This is what I mean by be gentle with yourself. You're mourning right now. Yes you have a beautiful perfect baby but you lost the "perfect birth" you so hoped for. I found that with my c-section I blamed Fiona for being breech. It wasn't her fault, it happens sometimes but I still at a base level did blame her and I blamed the MWs for stressing me out so much. It wasn't until I started getting the pressure laid on me to have a c-section that my pre-e cropped up and took the small amount of time I had to get the babies to turn away. It's part of the reason I chose to UBAC with this baby. I was still angry and didn't trust them (still don't). I ended up with severe PPD and at 5 months PP (around Christmas) I was suicidal. Recovery for me was really easy physically, but I still had adhesions and it still was sore at the incision site for over 18 months. Actually until my first trimester with Malcolm was over, and all those adhesions were broken up. The sharp ripping pains I had were gone by 5-6 weeks PP. You need to rest as much as possible, in bed. If you're bleeding red you're probably doing too much. Do talk to someone (and us of course!) if you need emotional support because of this. A c-section is a very difficult thing to cope with emotionally, esp if it wasn't planned. Your feelings ARE valid and there is much more to birth then a healthy baby. Birth is a delicate balence of hormones and to lose that can set us into an emotional tailspin if we're not careful. Animals who birth via c-section regect their young, is there any wonder why we also have such a hard time coping emotionally afterward?

If you are planning to have a second child eventually, take heart in the fact that Pre-e is very rare in second time moms. It's slightly higher in moms with pre-e for their first but still MUCH lower then for first time moms. The chances of a repeat of PIH and Pre-e are low and there's a good chance you could VBAC. I found this pregnancy and birth to be incredibly healing for me and I was finally able to completely forgive myself for what happened last birth and to accept 100% that the twins needed to be born surgically.

[Charlize]

Originally Posted by fyrebloom

If you are planning to have a second child eventually, take heart in the fact that Pre-e is very rare in second time moms. It's slightly higher in moms with pre-e for their first but still MUCH lower then for first time moms. The chances of a repeat of PIH and Pre-e are low and there's a good chance you could VBAC. I found this pregnancy and birth to be incredibly healing for me and I was finally able to completely forgive myself for what happened last birth and to accept 100% that the twins needed to be born surgically.

ITA. I had severe pre-eclampsia with HELLP syndrome with DD1. I never had any blood pressure issues with DD2 and DD3. I did have some issues that were linked to stress (my in-laws and their bs), but not the actual pregnancies.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time recovering from the c-section emotionally and physically. I can relate to how you feel to some extent. Due to the trauma of my vaginal delivery with DD1, I elected for a c-section with DD2. But with her being breech, I was gonna be forced to do a c-section anyways. Of course later on I regretted that decision. I wish I had pushed for an external version or anything to try to turn her, but I trusted my OB and thought she was doing what was in my best interest. With DD3, I desperately wanted to VBAC. I had no support on the VBAC from anyone except for the ladies here. I actually got myself to go into labor and tried to stay home as long as I could, but ended up going to the hospital because of bleeding issues. When I got there, my platelette count was so low I almost had to go under general ant. because of it. My body has seemingly failed me with all three pregnancies I have carried to term and it's very hard to deal with. After the c-section with DD3, my OB warned me I should only have one more pregnancy, maybe, at the most. She was concerned over the uterine thinness at the incision. So, that's almost like another blow. I look around and see so many women able to undergo five, or even six, c-sections and it seems like my limit is two, maybe three if I want to risk it.

Take time for yourself. It does get better.

[GoBecGo]

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

The "at least you got a healthy baby" comment to a woman who didn't want a c-section and had to have one is appalling to me. It's like telling a rape victim "at least you got pregnant". As if the circumstances can be irrelevant so long as the outcome is good or acceptable. It's such a worthless comment - as if those with ANY birth preferences are holding them alongside not minding if the baby dies - EVERY woman wants (and in this day and age should be able to hope for) a healthy baby, it goes without saying. You have every right to mourn what happened to you and your babe and you don't have to be grateful for the pain or trauma or loss you went through during his birth, nor should you feel guilty for feeling sad about it. Feeling sad about his birth is NOT feeling sad about him.

I would second the call for you to SIT DOWN. Give yourself a break. You had PE (physically exhausting and requires healing) a long induced labour (again, totally exhausting and requires healing) AND major abdominal surgery (do i need to say it again?). REST. If you ONLY care for Nate and yourself in the basic sense (i.e. remove the sicky onesie, DON'T wash it, just take it off him) you'll be doing more than enough. Dont wash, train DH to empty and refill the dishwasher every night (mine just mastered it and i'm thrilled!), write down how to sort and run the laundry. Co-ordinate mining by all means, but don't go to the coalface until you're healed. A few loads of clean clothes and dishes are simply not worth your future health and wellness. Let friends know how they can help - that's a real toughie i know. I am that "friend" who arrives unannounced with a casserole, frozen soup and does the hoovering, but i only do it because i know myself how hard it is to ask for help. Get your mom in, and any GF's who can help ad have asked how they can. Let your village love you, you REALLY earned a bit of TLC.

[mamatolevi]

All of your feelings about your c/s are valid. I'm not going to go into the "healthy baby" crap other than it makes me so angry that our feelings of disappointment are dismissed and trivialized so easily by those who don't get it.

try to get to an ICAN meeting; if you don't have a local chapter, please at least visit the forums on-line. It really does help to hear from folks that have BTDT.

rest. You had MAJOR SURGERY. ONLY a week ago. DP needs to pick up the slack and even if it's not done how you would do it, it's at least done.

Laundry doesn't need folding, just washing and dumping in a basket. At least it's clean and DP can do that.

If someone comes to visit and says, what can I do? ask them to do the dishes, fold a load of clothes, sweep the floor, let you get a 30 min or so nap or a shower, make you a sandwich for when you need a snack while nursing, etc. Don't be shy about telling folks what you need. YOU HAD MAJOR SURGERY.

Have DP bring the baby to you at night. It's hard enough getting into a comfortable position to nurse, let alone twisting in and out of bed and bending over the cosleeper or crib.

Do dishes by hand if you have the counter space and put then on the counter to dry rather than in the d/w. That way you're not bending if you're stuck doing them. or better yet, use disposable for a couple of weeks.

Have your mom come over when DP isn't there if it's causing conflict. Consider letting her know that DP deserves as much of a learning curve as any new parent does; it's not fair to be beaten down while sleep deprived, helping a mom recover from surgery, taking care of house as much as possible, working full time AND learning how to care for a new baby. How would she have felt if that was done to her as a new parent?

If you think that she may not be able to restrain herself in DP's presence, and that you could risk doing w/o her help, then consider telling her that if she criticizes DP in your hearing she will be asked to leave immediately and not allowed back till she apologizes. Harsh I know, but it's a boundary that needs to be set.

Much love and swift healing.

[TanyaS]

http://www.birthtruth.org/grateful.htm