At odds about co-sleeping

[mrstanimal]

I hope someone can give me some advice, because I'm feeling so alone and pretty broken hearted. My DS will be 5 mos next week, and has co-slept with me since birth. We bought an Arm's Reach and baby hammock, thinking we would use both or either, but never did. I really love sleeping next to my baby, and want to continue to do so. There are some challenges though. He is going through a very wakeful period, where it takes him a long time to get to sleep at night, and in order for him to take nice naps during the day, I usually have to lay down with him. The main thing is that when he's asleep with me in bed, I sometimes feel "trapped". If I need to use the bathroom, get something to drink, etc, I cannot because I worry he'll wake up, and I'll have to go back to square one to get him to sleep again. Lately, I feel as though I've got a little ticking time bomb on my hands.

My main issue is with my partner though. She feels neglected, and lately we've been having conversations where she brings up getting a crib. She thinks that by doing this, I'll get time to myself, we'll get time with each other, and all will be well. When I mention I refuse to allow him to CIO, she says that he might do that once or twice, but that everyone she knows who uses a crib says that they get "used to it", and he'll self soothe. I am definitely more sensitive to his cries, and I think while they would bother her, they wouldn't in the same way they would with me.

Have any mamas out there gone through a similar situation, where your husband or partner didn't feel the way you do about co-sleeping ? What did you do about it ? Ultimately, I won't back down, I know what I'm doing is right, I feel it in my heart. It's so hard, I want to do what's best for my baby, but it is terrible being at odds with partner.

[annemoonstar]

I don't have a whole lot of advice, but feel for you. My DH was iffy for a while on the co-sleeping thing and wanted us to do something different (although we have always been on the same page regarding being anti-CIO). I got pretty stressed about trying to make the sleeping thing better so he wouldn't be upset about co-sleeping. Eventually I had a mini-break down and when he realized that his wanting something different was making me even more stressed out about the sleep thing, he dropped it and has been very supportive about it since.

Does your DP do any of the nighttime/naptime parenting? DH doesn't do much, especially since DS is EBF'd and so is more reliant on me. But ever since our talk about the co-sleeping thing, I've tried to give him some more of the responsibility (and joy!!) of co-sleeping. So now, if I need to get up to go to the bathroom, or get up before them to get ready for work etc. I lay DS next to DH and they cuddle while I get up. Sometimes DS wakes up, but lately he just snuggles in next to daddy and stays asleep. It seems like that has helped tremendously with DH's buy-in to co-sleeping. He has seen how amazing it is to have DS sleeping so close, and now he says he can't imagine having it be any other way.

I also try to find books or articles about the benefits of co-sleeping...that really has helped him see the logic behind keeping him with us and has re-affirmed for both of us why we don't want to let DS cry.

Good luck!!

[Maluhia]

I think it can be really hard to have a partner who has the idea that other people are finding success in CIO when you know it is not for you or baby. Can you talk, when not tired in bed, with your partner about your reasons for wanting to cosleep and how she could help you feel less trapped when you need to get up, etc.

Maybe share some of the resources in this thread?

[Red Pajama]

A crib would not mean that your baby would need to cio. It's just another place to sleep. At around 6 months, after nursing my youngest to sleep I would transfer her to the crib. She stayed there until her first waking, usually sometime after midnight. She often stayed the rest of the night in our bed until well after her first birthday.

Just as a "it worked for me" tidbit, I swaddled my babies long term. So at 5 months, I was definately still swaddling, and found it helped settle for sleep, and kept baby from waking herself up from jerky arms.


Good luck.

[TinyMama]

A bedrail really made the difference for my DH. Having DD on my other side, with me in the middle, made him very happy.

And after a few nights, he missed her and we worked out a solution where she spent some of the night on the outside, and some of the night in the middle.

I will say, don't discount getting *something* for the baby to sleep in next to your bed instead of in it. It's still co-sleeping, and DD went through a few stages where she slept MUCH better when she wasn't in bed with us.

[ewe+lamb]

Originally Posted by mrstanimal

I hope someone can give me some advice, because I'm feeling so alone and pretty broken hearted. My DS will be 5 mos next week, and has co-slept with me since birth. We bought an Arm's Reach and baby hammock, thinking we would use both or either, but never did. I really love sleeping next to my baby, and want to continue to do so. There are some challenges though. He is going through a very wakeful period, where it takes him a long time to get to sleep at night, and in order for him to take nice naps during the day, I usually have to lay down with him. The main thing is that when he's asleep with me in bed, I sometimes feel "trapped". If I need to use the bathroom, get something to drink, etc, I cannot because I worry he'll wake up, and I'll have to go back to square one to get him to sleep again. Lately, I feel as though I've got a little ticking time bomb on my hands.

My main issue is with my partner though. She feels neglected, and lately we've been having conversations where she brings up getting a crib. She thinks that by doing this, I'll get time to myself, we'll get time with each other, and all will be well. When I mention I refuse to allow him to CIO, she says that he might do that once or twice, but that everyone she knows who uses a crib says that they get "used to it", and he'll self soothe. I am definitely more sensitive to his cries, and I think while they would bother her, they wouldn't in the same way they would with me.

Have any mamas out there gone through a similar situation, where your husband or partner didn't feel the way you do about co-sleeping ? What did you do about it ? Ultimately, I won't back down, I know what I'm doing is right, I feel it in my heart. It's so hard, I want to do what's best for my baby, but it is terrible being at odds with partner.

OK with the trapped feeling what worked for me was getting organised! So if I felt that dd was going down for a nap and she was just like your little one, I went to the loo, got a glass of water, a book, the telephone all the things I needed at arms reach so that I could still do what I needed without that feeling of 'wasting' time, it can be very frustrating.

For the second issue with your partner - she's trying to help and find solutions but they just not be the solutions that you want. Maybe finding something that works for you would be better - do some soul searching to find out what you really need, a side car or bed rail as mentioned previously may work, maybe getting another matress on the floor could help and you could have just one big bed on the floor, also two books that really helped me and my dh was Nighttime Parenting by Dr Sears and Good Nights (can't remember the author but you'll find it if you google!!) - Nighttime Parenting is not expensive to buy but you could also find it in the library and with your local LLL group - whom I suggest that you contact to get some extra support and information.

Finally, my dh co-slept with his parents for a long time - it was a cultural and space thing, in fact I think that they had 3 or 4 children in the bed at the same time - he has 8 brothers and sisters!! So for us it wasn't an issue at all, he finds that this is the time that he gets a bonus with his kids, bonding etc is important and when he's away all day at work and sometimes until the kids are in bed he loves that extra special snuggle time that he can have with them. Maybe you can reassure your partner that you love her etc but this is an important time for you both and the baby, baby is only 5 months, in the realm of life that's not much time at all, maybe doing special things together with baby will make her feel more a part of things. Good luck I hope you manage to work things out - and try and get those books - they really clicked with me!

[Lizbiz]

Hi Mama,

It stinks to be at odds with the one you love! And it also stinks to get itchy for a little down time when your babe won't nap by themselves. My baby napped on me for about 2 months, and then I was just getting too exhausted - I needed a nap too!

So, I decided to stay with him and comfort him down to sleep, and then leave. The first few times I did this, it took over an hour - but did not entail CIO. I patted his back, sang to him, gave him a paci, swaddled him tightly and propped him up the way he liked - and just persisted when he fussed out of position - he eventually got the drift and started taking short naps on his own. I then started doing the same thing for bedtime as he began to need a much earlier bedtime than I was willing to go down for (like 7pm!). Then when me and DH went to bed, we'd all be together - but DH and I had a couple of hours to ourselves by the time our son was 2 1/2 months old or so.

After a while, our son did transition to a crib right next to me, and I would have been delighted to have had a sidecarred cosleeper - it just wasn't in the budget! However, if I had wanted to persist in co-sleeping in the same bed, we would have had to get a bigger bed. Anyway, all that to say - Crib does not equal CIO. You can totally do a crib (even just sometimes use the crib and sometimes sleep together) and not CIO at all! We did it happily and peacefully. Maybe helping your LO learn to sleep sometimes on his own (like for naps and the beginning of the night) would serve as a healthy compromise. I'm sure your partner also is concerned for your sake as well - and it does sound like you'd like a bit more time for yourself too.

[meemee]

does she feel neglected in general or just at night?

could you do little gestures and things thruout the day that doesnt make your partner feel isolated?

i am not sure if cosleeping is the issue - or just the issue used by your partner to express her loss of your company.

see what you can do during the day and see if that helps.

[penstamon]

My DH makes a comment about not co-sleeping every time DS has a bad night. Which as been almost every night lately. He seems to think that just plopping DS in a crib will get him to sleep fine, which I'm guessing is ridiculous. He also has a high tolerance for crying and I have NO tolerance, so he thinks a night or two of CIO is fine.

I'm working on him with literature and keeping my foot down about not CIO. We got an arm's reach as a present so I think we will try to use it for a few weeks.

Remember that it may take days/weeks to get your LO to have better sleep habits, so maybe ask your partner to give you x amount of time and work with you to solve the problem before you consider other options.

Good luck!

[peabean26]

I reached the 'trapped' stage around 5 months too. What worked for us was getting a crib and attaching it side car to the bed. We also had the arms reach co-sleeper and never used it, but for some reason DD took much better to the crib set up.

As she was still 'in bed' with us it didn't make any extra work for me, but allowed me to start sleeping better and her to sleep for longer stretches. I just nursed her to sleep then slowly slid her into the crib. It took a few weeks for her to get used to this and not wake up right away as soon as she was in the crib, but eventually I was able to nurse her down for a nap, slide her into the crib and then get up and DO ADULT THINGS!!

The sidecar situation is great because you can lean your body into the crib and nurse without picking up the baby. And because you are not on the same surface as the baby, they are less likely to wake up because of your movements/ partner's snoring/etc. That was causing alot of nightwaking for us.

If you get a crib and side-car, it can be a slow transition and your partner will feel validated and respected in her parenting wishes. I really found it to be the best of both worlds. Your baby is at the same age mine was when we did it, so I don't think it's too early.

[texmati]

My baby is only 6 weeks, but fwiw, i'm the partner that is not crazy about co sleeping. It helps alot to sometimes put the baby in the crib for the beginning or end of the night and cuddle with my husband. I understand that just how I need touch and a warm bed to sleep well, so does my son, so this is a great compromise.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I want to second texmati, b/c Lincoln moves around too much now he starts the night in his pack n play, and then comes to bed with us when he wakes up the first time. It gives me some space to sleep alone for a while, to cuddle with my BF, or watch a show. And as a bonus we wake up every morning next to our little sweetheart!

Look for a compromise that works for both of you! Putting a crib in your room and using it for part of the night (no CIO) may be a good solution. FWIW I nurse Lincoln to sleep, and then transfer him into his pack n play. It took him a few weeks to get used to being moved after falling asleep, so be persistent if you try it.

[Icehockey18]

My ds is 5 mo and we have co slept since birth. My dh had major issues after about a month. He too thought he would just sleep if I put him in a bed- haha! My ds naps with me during the day too and wakes up the second I try to put him down so I knew he would not magically sleep by himself. Finally it came to a head at about 4 mo between my ds and I. I reacted poorly at first and threatened to sleep in another room- I don't advice that! We talked calmly later and I read him some articles about the benefits. I also recomend the dr sears book. Anyway, I explained to him how imp it was to do the best we could for our ds and it really meant a lot to me to bond with him at night. Plus I also explained how much sleep I would loose if I had to get out of bed go nurse all the time. But I understand the trapped feeling! I just had to plan ahead also and try to use the restroom, eat, get the phone, etc before I sat down to nurse or get in bed for the night. It takes planning, but now we are in a pretty good routine.
I think if you sit down and talk to your dp about how much it means to you to co sleep and let her read about the benefits that might help. Good luck and stay strong! Trust your insticts mama!

[Ldavis24]

My dd is right around the same age and she is in this mode where she won't nap long without me or nurse without me laying next to her so I feel like I am constantly stuck in bed all day. I know it is really hard but I constantly remind myself this is the right thing and honestly if you tried it, you know how long it would last maybe 10seconds after your LO started crying. I cannot stand the sound of my dd crying and it wouldn't take me long to act!

DH was originally very against co-sleeping so we had a basinet next to our bed and that got used once I think. The very first night from the hospital she slept in our bed and has been every night since. DH is still not a huge fan of co-sleeping and periodically mentions that she should be in a crib but...this is such an important thing to me, where I would normally take his position into consideration I just flat out ignore him on this one. She is not going to stop sleeping next to me and he can just deal with it. I know that is against all advice about co-sleeping but he is getting used to it a little more each day!
I say just go with your gut because you already know what the right thing is!