Baby #2

[funkymum]

An article in the recent issue of Mothering got me thinking about the struggles my family will face with a second child. I've always wondered how I'll bear to divide my attention that I currently give to DD. I've recently transitioned to being a FT SAHM, and it has definitely given me a chance to bond with her in a different way. I am thrilled to be pregnant again, but a little part of my heart is breaking knowing I'd have to "divide" my time, love, and attention in any way, shape, or form. Any other mamas feeling this? Or mothers of more than 2 have advice?

I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but isn't that part of what's great to have 9 months to sort through all these issues in our heads?

[bjorker]

Yeah, I'm really struggling with that right now too. In a way I can't really explain too well just yet. It's just always been dd and I for almost five years now, sometimes the way I think about it, I feel like my heart is breaking.

Not that I'm not also excited and really wanted this, but sometimes I feel totally freaked out too.

I know that I have plenty of love to go around and yadda yadda, but I can't quite wrap my brain around how this is going to work.

[NotBroken]

Actually I am not struggling with this...YET! I was an only child and I think it would have been more beneficial for me to have a sibling over more time with my parents.

[Surfacing]

I felt this way when I was preparing for dd2 to come. I didn't know how I could possibly love another child as much as I loved dd1.

I had heard the saying "your love doesn't get divided, it just grows." This is true. Your heart simply expands with love and caring for your other child.

Just think, you get TWICE as much loving cuddles and "I love you Mommy!"-s.

In truth, I was so happy to have the two kids to entertain each other some, and give me a bit of breathing room b/c dd1 ALWAYS wanted my attention and was very intense. There are different things I love about each. They are each unique. A special love was born for dd1 when she came into the world, and a special love was born for dd2 when she came.

There is enough love to go around. There really is.

I remember having some special little dates with dd1 alone after dd2's birth. Dh hung out with dd2 and I took dd1 for a short trip to the library and for ice cream. That was our special time. She loved it and so did I.

Just some thoughts.

[NettleTea]

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[welsh]

Originally Posted by bjorker

Yeah, I'm really struggling with that right now too. In a way I can't really explain too well just yet. It's just always been dd and I for almost five years now, sometimes the way I think about it, I feel like my heart is breaking.

Not that I'm not also excited and really wanted this, but sometimes I feel totally freaked out too.

I know that I have plenty of love to go around and yadda yadda, but I can't quite wrap my brain around how this is going to work.

I feel the same. DS and I have such a close attachment I feel like I'm almost betraying him.
Having said that, he loves little babies and will be a lovely big brother.
I'm very fortunate that I have a mother's helper (no family nearby)and plan on having regular time alone with DS and our helper can watch the babe for an hour.
When my younger Sister was born, I was a little over 3.5 yrs.
I can remember so vividly going to the hospital to see her for the first time. She was wheeled out in a bassinet and on the bottom shelf was a big gift-wrapped box.
On it said, 'To Emma love from your Sister and the Faeries'.
It was a doll's house and of course I was delighted! I'll be doing something similar for DS so he has positive associations!

[michellebelle]

I'm excited for the long term stuff...I believe DS is going to be a great big brother and I can't wait to see him and this new baby grow up together.

But I am nervous for all the day to day stuff. My DH does shift work so it will be all me usually for daytime/bathtime/bedtime stuff. I don't know how to give two LOs a bath, or go grocery shopping with two, or co-ordinate nap schedules, etc. I keep telling myself I will just learn this, like I learned how to be a mama of one from DS, but I'm still nervous.

And some of my best memories of DS's infancy were all of the quiet moments we had snuggled up on the couch or in bed. He slept on me for the first three months, and I literally just gazed at him and marveled at how perfect he was for months. I won't be able to do that with this baby And at the same time, won't be able to give DS all the attention he will probably want either.

He has been my whole world for 21 months...as much as I want this, it is so hard to imagine having sharing my time and attention with another baby.

[shenanegans]

I am not worried about it. My son is already 2.5 so by the time the baby arrives in July, I think my son will be quite independent. I am really looking forward to seeing how the family dynamic changes. My son loves babies so I think he will be a very good big brother.

[EKSmith]

I had these same feelings when I was pregnant with ds2 - ds1 and I have such a strong bond - I didn't feel good about having to "split" it with another baby, but certainly wanted another child.

After ds2 was born though, I realized I didn't have to "split" anything. I carved out time to do special things with DS1 alone, and that really helped. He was 3 when his little brother was born. I'm a little nervous this time around, as DS2 will only be 2 when this baby comes...but I'm sure we'll all adapt.

A wise lady I know (she gives the best advice!) told me to not look at it like I'm taking something away from DS1...look at the incredible gifts you are giving him - a playmate, the life skills of patience and sharing (in time, of course), and a potential partner for life.

[tcooper]

Originally Posted by EKSmith

I had these same feelings when I was pregnant with ds2 - ds1 and I have such a strong bond - I didn't feel good about having to "split" it with another baby, but certainly wanted another child.

After ds2 was born though, I realized I didn't have to "split" anything. I carved out time to do special things with DS1 alone, and that really helped. He was 3 when his little brother was born. I'm a little nervous this time around, as DS2 will only be 2 when this baby comes...but I'm sure we'll all adapt.

A wise lady I know (she gives the best advice!) told me to not look at it like I'm taking something away from DS1...look at the incredible gifts you are giving him - a playmate, the life skills of patience and sharing (in time, of course), and a potential partner for life.

I don't feel so much like I am going to have to split anything, more like I am betraying ds 1. He is my boy. We are quite close and I love him beyond words. I know I will feel the same for the new child, although it may be a 'different' love, which I have heard from other mothers. But, I do want another child and ds loves babies and I truly believe he will flourish with a sibling.
My doctor told me something very similar - that I am such a great mom (ok, there went my ego) and that I should have more children. That I am not taking anything away from ds, that I am giving him the most wonderful gift one can ever give. I know it will all work out beautifully.

[*KaiMom*]

I'm worried about this with adding #3. When ds2 was born ds1 was almost 5. He was in school during the day and at 5 kids can do many things alone. Make a meal, dress, shower, etc. Now ds2 will be 3.5 so still older but not old enough to be as independent and not in school. I've come to the realization that pling is going to go well into the 3's for us so I'm sure I will be changing two kidos in diapers and also at some point pling ds with a baby.

[shoefairy3]

I cried and cried the day before my #2 was born b/c I felt so guilty. Now, we are expecting #6 and I dont worry so much. More love to spread around.

[funkymum]

Originally Posted by tcooper

But, I do want another child and ds loves babies and I truly believe he will flourish with a sibling.

Right! Sometimes I forget that dd loves to be around other babies. There's a communication she has with little ones that is altogether different than with me, dh, or other adults.

I have multiple siblings myself, but only lived with one that was 9 years older...so I had the sense of being an only child. Nice to get perspectives on this.