How to respond to MIL about potty training? *update post 18*

[WindyCityMom]

Not sure if this is the right place for this.. hope so

My MIL has told me numerous times "you need to start leaving her in panties and let her run around that way until she pees. She's going to be 2, you know. It's time." DD is 22mos old. We also live in a chilly basement apartment, so she tells me to let her run around in pee because "It will feel cold and uncomfy, and teach her a lesson".

She is renting to us for cheap so I'm not going to go and be flat out rude to her (though I think she's being rude). I've told her nicely that DD just doesn't want to, that she knows how, and she doesn't want to. DD does know how, but has no interest in doing so. She's pretty opinionated and I don't let her push me around or anything, but I'm not going to force my child to do something she doesn't want to do.

MIL will just NOT leave me alone. We're not going anywhere where DD will need to be potty trained. She still has TWO YEARS before she's even eligible to begin pre-k here. And even then, I'm homeschooling her (don't even WANT to know what MIL will have to say about that... )

So.. what can I say to her to get her to drop it, while being polite? Thanks in advance mamas

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I learned to say "We are working on it" or "things are going well"

[MeepyCat]

I wish I had an answer for what to say to your MIL, but mostly I wonder: has it occurred to her that having a child with limited bladder control run around in panties means potentially tons of cleanup for you? How much does she want her rental property peed on?

In terms of what to say, I think the best you'll get is changing the subject.

[Bokonon]

You can always pull the pediatrician card and say "Her pediatrician says the average age for potty training is x, and advises us to follow her cues. So far she has not shown signs of readiness."

[sunshadow]

My mother was so bad at this and I just had to ignore it or say "yeah, we tried /are trying that and she isn't ready." I guess both my brother and I were potty trained by 18 months, so as soon as my daughter reached that age the nagging was non-stop! There was clearly something wrong with me because my daughter got it I was just letting her take advantage of me, etc.

She was 18 months old a year ago and showed some signs of wanting to use the potty briefly, but then resisted. It was too darn cold to have her run around without pants, so we didn't push it at all. Come spring when it warmed up she went pants free and she was potty trained by June.

Nothing I said got my mother to back off really. So, good luck dealing with it!

[WindyCityMom]

thanks I should also mention that she lives upstairs. She actually offered for DD to spend some time up there peeing everywhere.. okay, those weren't her exact words but YKWIM.

I guess I could just keep avoiding.. but everything that has to do with my parenting choices turns into a big falling out. Temporary, of course. Annoying, most def.

[AllisonR]

MIL:"you need to start leaving her in panties and let her run around that way until she pees. She's going to be 2, you know. It's time."
YOU: "hmm, hmm." or "OK". or "Maybe."

MIL: "It will feel cold and uncomfy, and teach her a lesson".
YOU: "hmmm." or "OK." or "Maybe" or "Interesting thought."

And then you just go about your business as normal. Do not engage. If you discuss it with your MIL, you are telling her the conversation is open for discussion and debate. It isn't. So don't discuss it.

If it becomes harassment, then you need to move. Cheap rent does not equally compensate for harassment. You get what you pay for, ya know?

[sapphire_chan]

Wait, your landlord is encouraging naked-time to potty learn? If she'll handle getting the carpet cleaned, I think you should get some legwarmers, pop your LO into a nice warm dress, and go for it!

Or even with panties. If you change them right away they won't be cold and uncomfortable.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Wait, your landlord is encouraging naked-time to potty learn? If she'll handle getting the carpet cleaned, I think you should get some legwarmers, pop your LO into a nice warm dress, and go for it!

Or even with panties. If you change them right away they won't be cold and uncomfortable.

LOL, seriously, I wish I had this problem! ds was fully potty trained at 20months, would tell me when he had to go, go potty by himself (except for help with zippers and stuff) and when he stayed with my mom for 3 weeks she put him back in diapers , not pull ups, DIAPERS because she was too lazy to take him to the bathroom

[JBaxter]

we are waiting for spring/summer it will be easier then ( buys you 6 months!)

[pantrygirl]

Originally Posted by JBaxter

we are waiting for spring/summer it will be easier then ( buys you 6 months!)

I like this idea. I feel your pain. It doesn't help that my mom keeps telling me that I was potty trained at 3 months of age. Mind you I highly doubt I was potty trained at 3 months. My mom has no concept of time.

[WindyCityMom]

lol, thanks for the responses

I think I'm going to stick with the "I've got a new baby coming and we'll be busy, and DD will possibly be worked up. I'd rather try it when she is a bit older and the baby issue isn't as prominent to her." That or the whole seasons thing. I mean... Chicago winters are COLD!

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by AllisonR

Do not engage. If you discuss it with your MIL, you are telling her the conversation is open for discussion and debate. It isn't. So don't discuss it.

I agree with this. Just nod and smile. And ignore.

[shanniesue2]

With a big smile and as genuine a tone as you can muster, "thank you for the advice. How was that movie you went to the other night? or have you read any good books lately?"

[WindyCityMom]

She will just not let down, no matter how much I try! She even attempted to disrupt DDs naptime today with attempts to get her to start potty training. Ergh.

[sapphire_chan]

OMG. I hope you told her off. "LEAVE MY dd ALONE!! SHE is NAPPING what is WRONG with YOU?" and such.

[BunniMummi]

I would tell her I'm waiting until summer I guess if you really don't want to and subtle hints aren't working.

Honestly that is exactly how we potty trained DS1 and he was pretty much (big) accident free in like 3 days, daytime anyway. I used pullups at night for a while after that. I knew he could hold in long enough but he had shown no interest in actually potty training so we gave it a shot and were shocked at how fast it went. I doubt she is insisting on your daughter walking around in soiled clothes all day, we just picked up a bunch of cheap undies and changed them when necessary. As soon as he got used to not having to wear a diaper he insisted on night learning as well because he stopped wanting it on even at night. I do the same thing with DS2 on occasion just to check how ready he is (not very on last try) but I've sewed some old diaper soakers into the crotch of the undies so that they don't create as much of a mess.

[WindyCityMom]

Hi OP here. just an update

MIL is still at it and DD still has no intrest despite her 2nd birthday being a little over 2 weeks away.

The other day we were upstairs in MILs house. DD needed to be changed (she lets me know) and MIL was watching her- I had no idea her diaper was so full! I was in the middle of something so I took about 30 secs to finish what I was doing before getting up to go get a diaper and change her. Poor kid- wish I hadn't taken my 30 secs. She went to MIL and told her "I peed". MIL takes her to the bathroom, saying "OMG she's never done this before!".

I was in the other room. There were guests over who have an almost 3yo who is mostly potty trained and after seeing him use the toilet MIL got into her "I need to show off" mode. When she returned, our guest asked if DD used the bathroom successfully. MIL said "no, she didn't make it, she almost did". Um.... no DD went in her diaper and TOLD you she went.

This is what really irks me.
I thanked MIL for taking her. I had figured she'd changed her and put on a fresh diaper. My DD loves to walk to wherever there's a rug and jump, tuck her legs, and land on her butt hard on the carpet- like a cannonball with no pool She's in cloth so it doesn't hurt her really. Well, she does this in the room I'm in, and starts bawling saying "owwww". I went to pick her up and put her on my lap and.... SHES NOT WEARING A DIAPER UNDER HER LEGGINGS. (she was wearing a dress and leggings). My MIL intentionally did this- trying to get her to pee on herself, I'm assuming. My DH was furious and asked MIL why she didn't put a diaper on her. She said "oh.. I don't have any." I went over to the cabinet where she keeps N's diapers and it was stocked. She then put a diaper on her.

Anyways- point being.. why are you going to let my child run around in just leggings with out my permission? Besides the fact that we're in a financial crisis and keep the thermostat way low so it's quite chilly, DD has very sensitive skin down there and leggings aren't meant to wear without underpants or a diaper. The seam left her a rash in just that short amount of time.

I just don't know what to do- she won't listen and is SO persistent. This whole thing was her trying to show off to a guest. Just had to vent a teeny bit.

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

I guess I could just keep avoiding.. but everything that has to do with my parenting choices turns into a big falling out.

You and DH need to sit her down together and tell her one time, as nicely as possible, that you are working on your parenting choices as a couple and they're not up for discussion. If she persists after that, calmly take DD and leave the room when she starts up about potty training or any of your other parenting decisions.

If she can't respect boundaries, you need to find somewhere else to live. PLEASE trust me on this- the longer grandparents that share a home with grandkids are allowed to overstep parenting boundaries, the more they will do it and the harder it will be to put a stop to it.

Cheap rent is nice but it's not remotely worth what you are setting yourself up for by allowing this behavior to continue. I went through this with my mom and stepdad for three years and it was hell. I am still working with my daughter to correct the behavioral issues that were created by them spoiling her, feeding her junk food, and undermining my parenting choices in front of her (which the last time I communicated with my now-estranged mother, she insisted they never did ).

[serenbat]

You could try speaking nicely as some have suggested about your desire to wait but you could also look into the EC section and maybe get some help and start training her, since she is letting you know she is going.
Many here have trained well prior to age two.



It should be remembered that is only of late that children are waiting to be trained, 1950's it was by 18 months, even in the 1980's I know many nursery schools that would only except children that were trained by age two. Since your MIL is of an older generation it seems only natural for her to think your DD should be trained at this age.