How to respond to MIL about potty training? *update post 18* - Page 2

[sapphire_chan]

Y'know, I think your MIL is holding back your ability to do anything with regards to your dd's potty learning. If she was just saying "hey, you should go ahead and try potty learning", it'd be fine and you'd probably have already figured out how to get started on that.

But your update? OMG. Not okay. Not okay to use a baby as a status symbol, not okay to put the baby in just leggings in winter without parents okay, not okay to especially put her in the scratchy leggings (although one hopes she didn't know they'd be scratchy and rash making).

That said, I hope that what she was doing with the "we almost made it" comment was more to encourage your dd who MIL sees as in the process of potty learning?

One thing you might point out to MIL, if your dd is pointing out that she's peed already, going without a diaper might not help anything. It's not like she doesn't know when she's wet.

But really "I'm the parent and will handle this" is a perfectly valid point and doesn't need to be elaborated on.

[JL83]

You do realize that many children are potty trained well before 2, and it's successful! If your DD is telling you she peed, then she's way ready to begin real training.

But it sounds like your MIL and you have made this into a power struggle between the 2 of you. That's unfortunate for your DD.

[stik]

There was an interesting discussion about differences in age at potty training now vs. 1900-1950ish, over in the EC forum, I think maybe a month or two ago? There was some interesting information about methods. It might be interesting for you to check out.

Regardless of your MIL's feelings about the proper age for potty training, your dd has not been consistently showing signs of readiness, and you would notice those signs, *because you're her mom, and that's what mom's do.* In your shoes, I wouldn't bother having a convo with your MIL about it. Discussing an issue with someone implies that the issue is open for discussion. I'd simply stop leaving your dd in her care, take care of diaper changes yourself when your MIL is around, and change the subject whenever it comes up. Sometimes the best thing you can say is "pass the bean dip!"

[Cherry Alive]

Originally Posted by JL83

You do realize that many children are potty trained well before 2, and it's successful! If your DD is telling you she peed, then she's way ready to begin real training.

But it sounds like your MIL and you have made this into a power struggle between the 2 of you. That's unfortunate for your DD.

Eh? And many children *aren't* potty trained until well after 2—despite showing all the "signs."

It sounds more to me like the OP isn't trying to make this into a "struggle." If anything, she originally tried little too hard to keep the peace, but she actually CARES about when her DD is ready and wants the kid to take it at her own pace.

Potty training is something that really shouldn't be pushed. Of course, I'm a big believer in not trying to PUSH kids in general as it can have the opposite effect of what you are trying to accomplish and tends to be cruel. But parenting philosophies aside, her MIL is really being rude. It's not her business to go over the OP's head like that. Very destructive to their relationship.

This is the kind of power issue with parents that is a hill to die on—especially as the child can get harmed from it. I'd be livid if my MIL or mom would try something ignorant like leaving DD's diaper off without asking—especially if my poor kid hurt her bottom on the floor and got a rash... But neither of them would—because they respect me and my kid...plus they know (from other experiences) that DH and I would totally go apesh*t on them and would not trust them to "help out" for a while.

Sometimes you have to be "unpleasant" to establish boundaries...

[mntnmom]

Tell her you're waiting until the weather warms up. That way she can wear clothes that are easier to pull down her self and not get frustrated with failures. A lot can happen in six months, maybe by then a little gentle encouragement will solve the issue.

[Kim919]

I don't see anything wrong with some positive encouragement/passive type "potty training," but I think its important that mothers go by their own judgement, you know your kids best.

The (much) bigger issue here is the live in M-I-L situation. I grew up living with my paternal grandparents and my mother (my dad walked out when I was young.) My mother still lives there. It is not healthy for you. My mother struggled against my grandmother for the better part of her life. I love my grandma dearly but she made my mom's life a living hell when we were young.

You need to find a new place to live. Be creative, there are options available. Where there is a will there is a way. I know that it is easy to think "ya, she doesn't know my situation, its impossible" but there are very few impossible situations out there. I promise I don't and never have had a silver spoon anywhere near my mouth, you can make it happen.

[WindyCityMom]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I realize that many children are potty ready well before age 2, and believe me, I tried it. I would have no problem if my MIL would have a more gentle approach to it- but she's basically asked me to let my child run around in pee-d on wet clothes in a cold home just to get her used to it. I'm not gonna put my daughter through running around in wet clothes- and she rashes up easily even when in dry clothes that irritate her.

I'm still trying a gentle approach with DD. She has her potty seat and her potty chair in the bathroom at all times. She is beginning to grasp a little more of pooping in the potty because she hates having a poopy diaper. She really doesn't care about a wet diaper like she does about the poop, but she is coming around and lets us know (as I stated) when it's wet, about 75% of the time I'd say. She's a pretty bright child but just doesn't like using the potty. She knows what it's for, we've read a few library books about the potty and she gets it- but still doesn't want to. I'm not going to force her to do it as long as I'm here, ready and able to change her diapers when she needs me to. I usually mention at diaper change time that potty is also to be done in the toilet, and I encourage her to use it (sometimes after diaper changes she'll walk with me to the bathroom to the diaper pail and we'll chatter about the potty).



MIL is just very stubborn. Today I got in an argument with MIL and FIL about giving DD apple flavored soda pop. DD wanted it because they were drinking it, and I told them no. FIL was convinced there was juice in it.. or that it was just carbonated juice... i pointed to the "Contains No Juice" label and showed him the mile long list of ingredients and DH explained that DD does not drink those things. She hardly drinks juice anymore as it is, which I'm happy for. They kind of brushed me off like "whatever".

It;s the same sort of thing. I know alot of moms on here go through this with ILs. I'm a SAHM and rarely leave DD in their care anymore, if she is with them, so am I, otherwise it is just a setup for disaster. I think that's all I can really do at this point.

Thanks everyone for the advice and reccommendations

[nerdymom]

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I realize that many children are potty ready well before age 2, and believe me, I tried it. I would have no problem if my MIL would have a more gentle approach to it- but she's basically asked me to let my child run around in pee-d on wet clothes in a cold home just to get her used to it. I'm not gonna put my daughter through running around in wet clothes- and she rashes up easily even when in dry clothes that irritate her.

I'm still trying a gentle approach with DD. She has her potty seat and her potty chair in the bathroom at all times. She is beginning to grasp a little more of pooping in the potty because she hates having a poopy diaper. She really doesn't care about a wet diaper like she does about the poop, but she is coming around and lets us know (as I stated) when it's wet, about 75% of the time I'd say. She's a pretty bright child but just doesn't like using the potty. She knows what it's for, we've read a few library books about the potty and she gets it- but still doesn't want to. I'm not going to force her to do it as long as I'm here, ready and able to change her diapers when she needs me to. I usually mention at diaper change time that potty is also to be done in the toilet, and I encourage her to use it (sometimes after diaper changes she'll walk with me to the bathroom to the diaper pail and we'll chatter about the potty).



MIL is just very stubborn. Today I got in an argument with MIL and FIL about giving DD apple flavored soda pop. DD wanted it because they were drinking it, and I told them no. FIL was convinced there was juice in it.. or that it was just carbonated juice... i pointed to the "Contains No Juice" label and showed him the mile long list of ingredients and DH explained that DD does not drink those things. She hardly drinks juice anymore as it is, which I'm happy for. They kind of brushed me off like "whatever".

It;s the same sort of thing. I know alot of moms on here go through this with ILs. I'm a SAHM and rarely leave DD in their care anymore, if she is with them, so am I, otherwise it is just a setup for disaster. I think that's all I can really do at this point.

Thanks everyone for the advice and reccommendations

Honestly, I struggle with these issues more with my family than with DH's. They just honestly don't get it. And they don't have to get it, they just have to respect it. And THAT's the hard part. My sympathies mama!

[WindyCityMom]

Thank you! She just showed me the jumbo pack of panties she bought DD. *sigh*

[nerdymom]

rofl! Just say thank you and let it go I guess...I find that "thank you" "that's an interesting" and changing the subject work pretty well. We lived with my parents for a while, but when J was 8 months we moved. It was just too much. They wanted me to let him CIO and spank him, and got progressively more aggressive with their advice. It was not worth it for us to stay there. Now we budget hard and do the best we can. And most of all we're a darn sight more relaxed!