5-year old kicks and hits nanny. Please help!

[RomanGoddess]

We hired our nanny in September. She is responsible for accompanying our daughter to and from school (45 minute drive each way) and for taking care of our baby son while our daughter is at school. She is also responsible for taking care of the baby (either at home, or on the road with us) when I take DD to an activity or playdate.

DD is extremely aggressive with the nanny. In the car to and from school, the nanny sits in the back with DD, and DD will often kick or hit her. I know that nanny is telling the truth because I have seen it for myself on a couple of occasions while sitting in the front seat next to the driver and the nanny is in the back with DD and the baby.

At home, often DD will kick the nanny or slap her on the arm to get her attention while the nanny is holding the baby.

I have narrowed the behaviour down to two possible reasons:
1) DD resents when the nanny replaces mom. She would prefer that I accompany her to school (out of the question - although I can once or even twice a week go to pick her up from school).
2) DD wants the nanny's attention when the nanny is taking care of the baby.

I have explained to DD that it is very important to show respect to the cook, nanny and driver (in case you are wondering, we live in Africa ) and that she is to show the same respect to our nanny as she shows to her teacher at school (whom she absolutely adores). I have asked her "Would you ever kick your teacher?" and she gets this horrified look on her face and shakes her head no. Yet she still persists in this behaviour toward the nanny.

Today, the nanny told my husband that she cannot stay with us if this behaviour continues, which I obviously understand. My husband has already told me this morning that we need to talk to DD seriously tonight (I agree) and he wants to cut all TV privileges (fine with me - I would prefer no TV anyway - but I'm not sure this will change her behaviour toward the nanny). He also said that he will not hesitate to smack our DD if he sees or hears about this kind of behaviour again - he is really upset about it. I am upset about it, too, but I don't think smacking her will work.

I would appreciate any wise advice on how to resolve this problem.

TIA

[sebandg'smama]

Has your dd articulated any reason that she dislikes the nanny?

Does the nanny play or interact in a more "fun" way at all with your child?

Because it sounds like there is no connection between the two of them.

It sounds like you have already told her that hitting is unacceptable (so hopefully your dh won't resort to spanking as then obviously that message is mixed).

-Melanie

[nextcommercial]

I'm thinking that punishing or spanking AFTER the fact would only cause resentment. Your five year old will just feel like the nanny is a mean tattle tale, and mom and dad like the nanny more.

You need to address the issue, and your nanny needs to have tools that SHE can use WHEN it's happening.

While I feel like school is important, and I am sure the nanny wouldn't want to spend a whole day with a child who hits her... I would think that going back home when your daughter hits on the way to school would make an impact. (but, that is only one tool, and only works on the way to school)

[Mizelenius]

Has your nanny tried looking at your DD EVERY time and (holding her feet/hands if needed-- somehow protecting herself) and saying, "NO! You are NOT to hit me." Then she can give some suggestion of what to do instead. Has she tried this?

Culturally, would your nanny feel comfortable doing this, or has she been taught to be subservient? If it's the latter, I wonder if your DD picks up on this . . .

Hitting your DD would be completely contrary to the message. The message would be, only bigger people can hit little people? Is that what your DH wants DD to learn? I know he wants her to learn to NOT hit, but hitting her would, frankly, only serve to confuse her more.

Punishing her with no TV probably wouldn't work, either. Too far removed from the situation. Look at the situation as, your DD has anger and doesn't know what to do about it. How can you, as the adults, help her know what she SHOULD do when she gets angry? Have you provided her with any tools?

One technique I like is called STAR: Stop, Take A deep breath, and Relax.

I also like what someone else said-- they need time to bond. YOU have to help them, though . . .give your nanny ideas of how to do this.

[justice'smom]

I was that nanny about 6 yrs ago and I can tell you from experience that you have to nip it in the bud as soon as possible or she will leave. I did. I don't really have the answers for you except you need to give the nanny the tools necessary to handle it and then you need to back her up. In my case the parents would have me withhold certain treats if he hit me and then they would come home and even after me telling them what had happened, they would give him the treat anyway.