WWYD with this power struggle??

[Violet2]

I've been reading everything I can google today on power struggles and not finding help.

We don't battle over food. Or outfit choices. Which is what all the advice centers around.

The conflict lies in getting dressed at all and leaving the house. Getting into the car and getting out of the car.

Yesterday we got out of the house to look for a yogurt maker. Wait, back up, first we tried to convince DD to get ready to go to the park, she refused and dragged her feet until it was too late to go. Yet she said she wanted to go.

Then we went out shopping. We couldn't get her out of the car. This is becoming consistent behavior, refusing to cooperate and get in the car seat, refusing to get out of the car seat once in it.

Today I asked if she wanted to stay home or go to the zoo. She voted zoo. So I explained that meant she would have to get dressed, get in her car seat, hold my hand etc...

Well I guess that was too much because I couldn't even engage her to give her a choice over clothing. I did manage to get a shirt on her but couldn't get on her underwear or pants.

She finally ended up in her crib while I took some time to cool off b/c I was pretty steamed. It was really hectic this morning trying to coax her cooperation while dealing with getting dinner into the crockpot and trying to get myself ready.

Tomorrow we have to go somewhere, it's not a choice. I am really concerned about how I'm going to get her there.

IMO she's picking power struggles over things that I can't just let her do what she wants. She has to be in her car seat. She has to wear clothes--and believe me I'm very flexible about what clothes, but she's too busy losing it to make any clothing choices.

Thoughts?

V

[moondiapers]

nm.

[moondiapers]

Ok, 2nd try. I think I came accross wrong in my first post.

If you ask a child to do something it can make them feel like they have a choice. So in a situation where they do NOT have a choice, don't ask. Instead state what's going to happen. Sometimes choices, even small ones, are overwhelming to a small child. I'd pick her clothes out, bring them to her, and calmly but firmly state...."It's time to get dressed." Then I would quickly dress her. Don't ASK for cooperation unless she has a choice not to cooperate.

[meemee]

half an hour or 45 mins before you have to leave can you start the dressing up process playfully.

i remember with my dd - pantomime, being silly, making something fun really takes away teh power struggle.

also is your dd sensitive to anything. the tags? or the seams in her socks. or the kind of material?

silliness in our house has been the best parenting tool. its taken the stress of both parent and child.

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

Can you just quickly dress her, without requiring cooperation? I'd save it for important times...but if you HAVE to get out of the house I can't imagine letting a 2yo prevent that.

I agree in theory, but in practice forcing her to leave the house will require, well a bit of force. I will have to restrain her and wrestle her down in order to dress her.

I am not sure how great of a practice that is. I would expect it to make her defiance even worse later. I dunno

V

[wrappedupmama]

I'm kind of new to this forum so just disregard my post if it sounds too harsh, but this is what I do.

The way I've handled that situation in the past with my DD is to say "it's time to get dressed, get into your seat, etc..... do you want to do it or should I do it for you?" There have been many times she refused to choose. Then I just say "I'm counting to 5, if you don't make a choice when I get to 5 I will choose for you. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Okay I'm going to get you dressed now." She isn't always happy, screaming and flailing while I get her dressed or into her seat etc. I don't feel happy she's so upset, but it needs to happen sometimes. Doctor's appointments, weddings, etc. I can't be late to, going to the park etc. I'm more gentle with her. Then we just use the natural consequence of "if you don't get dressed you can't go in public, so you'll just have to stay home and miss out on the activity. I'll give you until this song is over to get dressed, or if you're not getting dressed by the time I count to 5 we'll just stay home because I'm not going to argue with you about this. It should be fun and exciting to go the park." In optional situations she can choose to cooperate and go, or be uncooperative and stay home. If we must go, then we must, and she's going to have to get ready whether she likes it or not. I guess the lesson to be learned is that it isn't always about what she wants to do. She is part of the family and sometimes we need her to do things she doesn't like for the sake of the family. We do things for her all the time, and it's only fair to reciprocate.

[Wild Lupine]

My DD is about the same age as yours (1 month older) and we go through the same stuff sometimes.

As far as getting dressed- I dress her as soon as she gets up, before playing before breakfast, before anything else. She's groggy, sleepy... and cooperative. If I wait it becomes a power struggle that I'd rather not engage in.

We also have car seat issues, as in not wanting to get in. Some times making it a game works. I time how long it takes her and see if she can beat her best time. I also bribe in this situation sometimes. (Go ahead, send in the GD police.) There's a lot I can get her to do with the promise of a juice box or cheese stick or cereal bar (Send in the nutrition police, too.) And once, DH had to leave without her. He was going to the store, she wanted to go but refused to get in the car seat. He was on a deadline and told her the consequences, and when she still refused to get in he brought her back inside the house to stay home with me. I've never seen her more upset in her life, it was like her little heart was broken, but she did learn that the car seat is non-negotiable. We haven't had as many problems since.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Does she have any sensory or anxiety issues that you can pinpoint?
It sounds like her trigger is leaving the house (or car) and then everything leading up to that is her stalling to do it.

Have you maybe checked any books on sensory/anxiety children?

Just going off of what you posted...

If it's simply a power struggle over this one issue then you can make them "seem" like choices...Taming the Sprited Child by Popkin has some good tips to do that.

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

Ok, 2nd try. I think I came accross wrong in my first post.

If you ask a child to do something it can make them feel like they have a choice. So in a situation where they do NOT have a choice, don't ask. Instead state what's going to happen. Sometimes choices, even small ones, are overwhelming to a small child. I'd pick her clothes out, bring them to her, and calmly but firmly state...."It's time to get dressed." Then I would quickly dress her. Don't ASK for cooperation unless she has a choice not to cooperate.

I agree with this except for one part-- I would say, don't even state what you are doing, since this is often like opening a can of worms. I find it is best not to call attention to things one way or another in that situation. At the age of 2, giving choice is overrated. Or rather, DISCUSSING choices is what I don't think should happen very often. With my 2 yo, I pick out clothes for her. If she doesn't like them (which is rare, since I don't make it a point to discuss this), we look through her clothes together, but with minimal discussion.

Your DD is so little-- just 2. A choice like "go to the zoo or stay home" is a huge decision. I'd leave that type of thing up to you, as the adult, at this age.

Also, some children are really homebodies, esp. around the age of 2-3. They don't want to go anywhere. Sometimes you NEED to get out, though (for reasons of sanity, even), so then you just have to go . . .in those cases, I find an incentive works best (something fun to look forward to once they get in/out of the seat). I also find that children who are tired are much harder to get in/out. But, IME, it usually comes down to personality. The good news is, they all outgrow it, no matter what you do!

[Violet2]

I do think I should have her dressed earlier in the day. I do everything else and then try to get her dressed as a prelude to leaving, it's probably too much.

So I will try dressing her first thing and see how that goes.

That and perhaps carrying her to the car so she doesn't run away.

This is so aggravating!

V

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

Does she have any sensory or anxiety issues that you can pinpoint?
It sounds like her trigger is leaving the house (or car) and then everything leading up to that is her stalling to do it.

Have you maybe checked any books on sensory/anxiety children?

Just going off of what you posted...

If it's simply a power struggle over this one issue then you can make them "seem" like choices...Taming the Sprited Child by Popkin has some good tips to do that.

I will look into that book and will be perusing the ones I have already. I don't know that she has sensory issues, time will tell (I've read some books on the topic). She's an intense kid and very stubborn, especially now that she is talking more. Just like her momma some would say

V

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by Mizelenius

I agree with this except for one part-- I would say, don't even state what you are doing, since this is often like opening a can of worms. I find it is best not to call attention to things one way or another in that situation. At the age of 2, giving choice is overrated. Or rather, DISCUSSING choices is what I don't think should happen very often. With my 2 yo, I pick out clothes for her. If she doesn't like them (which is rare, since I don't make it a point to discuss this), we look through her clothes together, but with minimal discussion.

Your DD is so little-- just 2. A choice like "go to the zoo or stay home" is a huge decision. I'd leave that type of thing up to you, as the adult, at this age.

Also, some children are really homebodies, esp. around the age of 2-3. They don't want to go anywhere. Sometimes you NEED to get out, though (for reasons of sanity, even), so then you just have to go . . .in those cases, I find an incentive works best (something fun to look forward to once they get in/out of the seat). I also find that children who are tired are much harder to get in/out. But, IME, it usually comes down to personality. The good news is, they all outgrow it, no matter what you do!

Yes it is a huge choice. I had hoped to motivate her by giving her that power and the idea of seeing all the animals she loves. It backfired apparently.

But when we don't give her the choice, she is still difficult. So...?

V

[nudhistbudhist]

Is it cold out? If ds won't co-operate and get dressed, I just leave it alone. Then I let him walk to our truck naked... brrrr. By the time we get into the truck, he wants his clothes on I dress him, give him a banana, THEN put him in his seat. Maybe something like that would work, just to break the pattern?

[mumkimum]

My dd was impossible for me to get out of the house. . . I think around the same age (sometime around 18 mo - 2 1/2) as yours. I'd always try to include something I knew she liked in the outing, etc. which never seemed to matter and what was additionally frustrating was that, with dh, she got nowhere near as crazy about it all.

Sometimes it would help if, real nonchalantly, I'd just refer to "now it's time to go out" and not really tell her what we're doing, have her guess and stuff "oh, I don't know where we're going really". Having 'special' going out snacks and items helped at other times too (special snack bag or toys for in the car or toys that were 'allowed' to go out with us). I'll totally admit to giving up at times and doing all outings with dh when he was around (that I could do that with, at least). (Oh, using 'car' or 'crazy' carts was also always a big draw around then for her).

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by nudhistbudhist

Is it cold out? If ds won't co-operate and get dressed, I just leave it alone. Then I let him walk to our truck naked... brrrr. By the time we get into the truck, he wants his clothes on I dress him, give him a banana, THEN put him in his seat. Maybe something like that would work, just to break the pattern?

I would do this but not in our neighborhood. Not enough privacy for me to feel comfortable with DD naked. I do let her walk barefoot when she refuses to wear shoes. Unfortunately, 'natural consequences' have not been persuasive in that area.

V

[moondiapers]

Can you get her dressed before she wakes up in the morning? Then all you have to worry about is shoes and jacket/sweater.

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by Violet2

Yes it is a huge choice. I had hoped to motivate her by giving her that power and the idea of seeing all the animals she loves. It backfired apparently.

But when we don't give her the choice, she is still difficult. So...?

V

You know, a huge part of it is really the age. The struggles are just part of normal development. You might be able to minimize them with the suggestions here, but don't think you are doing something wrong simply because they exist. Children have tantrums, children are uncooperative (ETA: um, so do adults!). It's normal. And again, personality plays an enormous part in terms of the level of "struggle" that they exhibit, which is why it is dangerous to compare your child to any other.

Two of my three children were really easy at the age of 2. I thought, what's all the fuss about the 2s? Then we hit 3 . . .and 4 . . .ay! This stage comes one way or another!

[SeekingJoy]

I have been reading Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Kids, Parent and Power Struggles, and I think it might have some helpful suggestions for you. It has for me. We constantly struggle over clothes and getting in the car, but around here it is because I dress one kid and the other undresses themselves.

Is your DD especially verbal and/or gifted? My DD is, and I found that I was offering age-inappropriate choices. At just-turned-2, choices can quickly turn into "these shoes, other shoes, no shoes, AHHH!"

Now, I approach her with clothes and shoes in hand, sit on the floor and dress her while talking about whatever toy she is playing with (i.e. Look at that cow. Were you cooking her breakfast and then putting her to sleep in your bed? etc) We don't talk about where we are going, what we are doing or the next steps. Drawing attention to it just creates anxiety for her.

I certainly wouldn't ask about whether to go to the zoo or stay home. If it looks like the kids are having a good day, I load them in the car with snacks and toys and we go. If they seem tired or fussy, we don't.

If we have to be somewhere or it is a fun outting that would be really nice for me, I try and schedule it for our best time of the day (9-11 for us).

HTH

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by Mizelenius

You know, a huge part of it is really the age. The struggles are just part of normal development. You might be able to minimize them with the suggestions here, but don't think you are doing something wrong simply because they exist. Children have tantrums, children are uncooperative (ETA: um, so do adults!). It's normal. And again, personality plays an enormous part in terms of the level of "struggle" that they exhibit, which is why it is dangerous to compare your child to any other.

Two of my three children were really easy at the age of 2. I thought, what's all the fuss about the 2s? Then we hit 3 . . .and 4 . . .ay! This stage comes one way or another!

Yes, 2 is not my favorite age right now. I am really struggling with how difficult it is to do anything positive with DD. Go out. Have fun. Everything is colored by her behavior right now.

I do think since I am a strong personality (I've been told, I think I'm normal, but whatever) that it causes her to react even more strongly in order to separate from me.

I don't want to avoid tantrums, I just want to get out of the house and thru this phase without losing my mind.

DD is deep into control right now. She's holding her poop in, refusing to eat and just in general making sure to do the exact opposite of what we would like. I don't know how to give her more power. I don't know how to let her feel like she's in control. Things just seem to spiral out of control.

V

[nd_deadhead]

I think the term "power struggle" is the key here. A two-yr-old is just starting to figure out that they HAVE some control, some power - and it's fun to use it! It's not that they are being defiant, or that they don't like to go to the zoo, or whatever - they are exerting some influence over their world that they didn't know they had. They are figuring out "If I do this, Mommy does that", and they do it over and over again to see if the rules have changed - the same way they would drop stuff repeatedly off their high chairs to see if gravity worked the same way every time.

I totally agree with the others who offered suggestions on minimizing the struggle - get dressed at a different time, offer a snack after she gets in the car, etc. Our neighbors had such a terible time getting their 2-yr-old dd dressed and out the door in the morning that they put her to bed in her clothes for the next day - no more struggle in the morning.

A two-yr-old doesn't need to make decisions yet - and having that much control might be scary - as opposed to having someone else make all (or most) of the decisions.

Sometimes it IS a struggle to get an uncooperative toddler dressed, or in the car, or out of the car. But remember, being a GD parent doesn't mean that the child always gets their way - far from it. Part of GD parenting is being consistent - when a child KNOWS that they will be wrestled into their car seat every.single.time they go somewhere, pretty soon they accept that that is how life works, and there's no point in fighting it. Obviously car seats are non-negotiable, which is why I used that example. Other things are not - so it's up to you to decide what's negotiable and what isn't.

Your dd doesn't want to get dressed - does that mean she is wearing pajamas, or just a diaper? I know of no law that says a kid can't leave the house in pajamas, if it means you make it to an appointment on time.

I also want to repeat what someone else said - this is a PHASE, and she will grow out of it. The more consistent you are, the easier it will be for her - and for you.