WWYD with this power struggle?? - Page 2

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by SeekingJoy

I have been reading Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Kids, Parent and Power Struggles, and I think it might have some helpful suggestions for you. It has for me. We constantly struggle over clothes and getting in the car, but around here it is because I dress one kid and the other undresses themselves.

Is your DD especially verbal and/or gifted? My DD is, and I found that I was offering age-inappropriate choices. At just-turned-2, choices can quickly turn into "these shoes, other shoes, no shoes, AHHH!"

Now, I approach her with clothes and shoes in hand, sit on the floor and dress her while talking about whatever toy she is playing with (i.e. Look at that cow. Were you cooking her breakfast and then putting her to sleep in your bed? etc) We don't talk about where we are going, what we are doing or the next steps. Drawing attention to it just creates anxiety for her.

I certainly wouldn't ask about whether to go to the zoo or stay home. If it looks like the kids are having a good day, I load them in the car with snacks and toys and we go. If they seem tired or fussy, we don't.

If we have to be somewhere or it is a fun outting that would be really nice for me, I try and schedule it for our best time of the day (9-11 for us).

HTH

I have that book, need to re-read it. I read a lot of parenting books while nursing and sleep deprived which means I don't remember ANYTHING I read.

DD may be gifted. I was. She's early on several key things like drawing, sight reading letters, counting etc... But who knows?

Yes, I really do need to change how we leave for the house. I think it will help. But I'm not sure what to do when she won't get in or get out of the car seat. I have literally sat there for 30 minutes trying to wrangle her in or coax her out. She'll actually maintain an arched back for minutes at a time purposely so I can't get her in the seat.

V

[nd_deadhead]

I must type slowly - there were a lot more responses since I started!

With our twins, we didn't really consider the twos to be "terrible" - but I looked at it as the Age of Frustration. A 2-yr-old sees other people doing wonderful things that she can't do, because she simply doesn't have the physical maturity to do them: they can run fast, they can manipulate small objects with their fingers, they can make themselves understood. Most young toddlers don't have the gross motor, fine motor, or verbal skills to do everything they want to do - and of course that's frustrating! They act out that frustration in different ways - and sometimes, it's throwing tantrums, or refusing to cooperate.

Hang in there, it WILL get better!

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by Violet2

DD is deep into control right now. She's holding her poop in, refusing to eat and just in general making sure to do the exact opposite of what we would like. I don't know how to give her more power. I don't know how to let her feel like she's in control. Things just seem to spiral out of control.

V

Bathroom issues and food issues are VERY typical for this age . . .basically, they know they can control what goes IN and what comes OUT, LOL. I would not make these and issue at all. Don't discuss food-- ever. Just present it several times a day without a word. Leave it out for her, and go about your business.

Your DD definitely sounds gifted, but of course, not all gifted children have the same issues anyway.

I would not worry about giving DD more control. I'd concentrate more on minimizing situations where it is an issue, if that makes sense.

Is there anything at all you can use to distract her with to get her in/out of the carseat? I'm not saying it will solve all your problems but just something that might help? Also, I, personally, wouldn't spend 30 minutes coaxing, but I have three kids and when we have to go, we have to go . . .that being said, when one of my children is in that phase, we just don't go out much.

[ASusan]

Three quick comments. DS is 5 days older than your lo, and has just started to become negative in the past few weeks.

We don't give choices. He doesn't yet understand what it means to choose. And I rarely phrase things as a question.

If he shows ANY signs of a protest, I try to distract. And then I continue with the activity (getting into carseat) as I continue with the distraction. Example: I stopped the car on the way to daycare to watch some bulldozers. I took DS out of the car to watch. But, we couldn't stay long and I couldn't walk around with him as the car was not in a parking spot. When I tried to get DS back into the car, he protested. I immediately backed off and distracted him back to watching the bulldozers. "Say bye bye to the bulldozers. They keep pushing the dirt. Hear them backing up. Beep Beep Beep. Bye-bye bull dozers." And he gets focused on the dozers again, rather than protesting the car seat.

When DS get obstainate with one of us, we do a handoff. Can you have DH do some more of the hands-on caregiving? When DS won't fall asleep for DH (like an hour or more), I will go in to put DS to sleep. When DS is being uncooperative with getting his hair done for me, DH steps in and does the hair. It's like DS needs a change of energy in the situation. It seems to help him move on to the next thing/better behavior.

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by nd_deadhead

I think the term "power struggle" is the key here. A two-yr-old is just starting to figure out that they HAVE some control, some power - and it's fun to use it! It's not that they are being defiant, or that they don't like to go to the zoo, or whatever - they are exerting some influence over their world that they didn't know they had. They are figuring out "If I do this, Mommy does that", and they do it over and over again to see if the rules have changed - the same way they would drop stuff repeatedly off their high chairs to see if gravity worked the same way every time.

I totally agree with the others who offered suggestions on minimizing the struggle - get dressed at a different time, offer a snack after she gets in the car, etc. Our neighbors had such a terible time getting their 2-yr-old dd dressed and out the door in the morning that they put her to bed in her clothes for the next day - no more struggle in the morning.

A two-yr-old doesn't need to make decisions yet - and having that much control might be scary - as opposed to having someone else make all (or most) of the decisions.

Sometimes it IS a struggle to get an uncooperative toddler dressed, or in the car, or out of the car. But remember, being a GD parent doesn't mean that the child always gets their way - far from it. Part of GD parenting is being consistent - when a child KNOWS that they will be wrestled into their car seat every.single.time they go somewhere, pretty soon they accept that that is how life works, and there's no point in fighting it. Obviously car seats are non-negotiable, which is why I used that example. Other things are not - so it's up to you to decide what's negotiable and what isn't.

Your dd doesn't want to get dressed - does that mean she is wearing pajamas, or just a diaper? I know of no law that says a kid can't leave the house in pajamas, if it means you make it to an appointment on time.

I also want to repeat what someone else said - this is a PHASE, and she will grow out of it. The more consistent you are, the easier it will be for her - and for you.

Thank you. Good post. She's nakey mostly b/c she uses the potty. This morning she trashed her shirt while eating bfast so was completely nakey (b/c I took the shirt off) and refusing to wear clothes. She did agree to a shirt eventually but that was as far as we got. 2 hours later, I finally got some pants on her.

The getting dressed stuff I think I can fix--based on the ideas here to do it first thing etc... I think that will work.

What do I do about the 'sit in' activism surrounding the car seat?

V

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by ASusan

Three quick comments. DS is 5 days older than your lo, and has just started to become negative in the past few weeks.

We don't give choices. He doesn't yet understand what it means to choose. And I rarely phrase things as a question.

If he shows ANY signs of a protest, I try to distract. And then I continue with the activity (getting into carseat) as I continue with the distraction. Example: I stopped the car on the way to daycare to watch some bulldozers. I took DS out of the car to watch. But, we couldn't stay long and I couldn't walk around with him as the car was not in a parking spot. When I tried to get DS back into the car, he protested. I immediately backed off and distracted him back to watching the bulldozers. "Say bye bye to the bulldozers. They keep pushing the dirt. Hear them backing up. Beep Beep Beep. Bye-bye bull dozers." And he gets focused on the dozers again, rather than protesting the car seat.

When DS get obstainate with one of us, we do a handoff. Can you have DH do some more of the hands-on caregiving? When DS won't fall asleep for DH (like an hour or more), I will go in to put DS to sleep. When DS is being uncooperative with getting his hair done for me, DH steps in and does the hair. It's like DS needs a change of energy in the situation. It seems to help him move on to the next thing/better behavior.

I agree with this. We do it. It's not working to get us out of the house. Although it usually helps us wrap up an activity and get back to the car.

Oh and DH is awesome and very hands on. She's killing him too. Last night with our attempted shopping trip, we both were ready to lose it with DD.

V

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by Violet2

What do I do about the 'sit in' activism surrounding the car seat?

V

I'd just take her out and distract. Move on to something else, find ANYTHING interesting to explore. Remember, if something causes resentment, you need to change it.