lactivism failed

[naturalmummy]

I need a pep talk. I hope this is the right forum for this. I'm having a really tough time facing my sister in law who just decided to wean her 4 week old baby (my first nephew). I have tried to be supportive prior to and after his birth in any way i could help to ensure she got through what had the potential to be a challenging thing for a first time mom...her own mother formula fed and she hasn't been around a lot of BF moms. Plus her DH, my brother, has been indifferent about BF v Formula. Despite my efforts to educate them (i provided books, articles and personal testimonies), it obviously didn't help
I know I shouldn't take this personally, but i just feel so sad for my nephew & my SIL as I want the best for him and her.
Can anyone suggest how I just accept it and move on so as not to affect my relationship with important family members? THANKS.

[anj_rn]

I do not have much advice, just to say I understand. One SIL never tried to BF, the other gave up after a month. I had similar feelings. We still have very different parenting styles, and I just have to remember that we are different people and have different kids. As long as they follow my rules as pertains to my son, we are OK.

[notjustmamie]

I wouldn't say it "failed" as such. You provided education, encouragement, and practical help. Your SIL made her own choice. No, it's not the choice you would have made. It's probably not the best choice, but it's her choice.

I would probably try to take a deep breath, and try to help her make the best FF choices she can (good bottles, no bottle propping, feeding in multiple positons, etc.)

[naturalmummy]

Thanks for the support...it helps to be reminded that others have had the same experience. our parenting styles will probably differ in many other ways too, not just w BF. we are all new parents so we haven't run into it all yet, but i am thinking it's probably a good idea to get it out on the table early that we may not always agree but that we can still be close family and respect and follow each others rules.

[notjustmamie]

Originally Posted by naturalmummy

Thanks for the support...it helps to be reminded that others have had the same experience. our parenting styles will probably differ in many other ways too, not just w BF. we are all new parents so we haven't run into it all yet, but i am thinking it's probably a good idea to get it out on the table early that we may not always agree but that we can still be close family and respect and follow each others rules.

That is definitely a good point! It's all about respect. Short of other parents abusing or neglecting their children, we all need to let each other make the decisions that seem best to our own families. I know I want that as a parent. It's a lot harder when I'm looking at another mom's decision, though, and I want to make her change her mind!

[PatioGardener]

Remember that baby got 4 weeks of breastmilk - that may not have happened without your encouragement and support.

[Ruthla]

You didn't "fail". She nursed for 4 full weeks- and it's possible she would have formula fed from birth if not for your encouragement and education.

Your nephew is still being fed a nutritionally adequate "milk". He's not being abused or neglected, and the choice your SIL is making is a completely valid choice for her to make. It's not the choice you would have made, but it's still a valid choice.

[LemonPie]

Originally Posted by notjustmamie

I would probably try to take a deep breath, and try to help her make the best FF choices she can (good bottles, no bottle propping, feeding in multiple positons, etc.)

I disagree. The PP needs to just step out at this point and let it be. Not her baby, not her business. Why must we assume that a mother who has opted out of breastfeeding (for WHATEVER reason) is a complete dunce and needs further help caring for her infant?

As Ruthla said:

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Your nephew is still being fed a nutritionally adequate "milk". He's not being abused or neglected, and the choice your SIL is making is a completely valid choice for her to make. It's not the choice you would have made, but it's still a valid choice.

Yup.

[Ammaarah]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

You didn't "fail". She nursed for 4 full weeks- and it's possible she would have formula fed from birth if not for your encouragement and education.

Your nephew is still being fed a nutritionally adequate "milk". He's not being abused or neglected, and the choice your SIL is making is a completely valid choice for her to make. It's not the choice you would have made, but it's still a valid choice.

I completely agree.

You just have to let stuff like this go and not get to you. Your nephew will be OK.

[proudmomof4]

Thanks for offering information and support to your SIL. As one PP said you might have been a reason that your nephew got 4 weeks of BF.

Offering information and the mother making a decision you don't like: what you are describing happens to lots of LLL Leaders a lot of the time. Just remember: this is their baby (and their "problem") - not yours.

In all families (including my own) there are areas where you just have to "agree to disagree". Your nephew is lucky to have you in his life!

[notjustmamie]

Originally Posted by LemonPie

I disagree. The PP needs to just step out at this point and let it be. Not her baby, not her business. Why must we assume that a mother who has opted out of breastfeeding (for WHATEVER reason) is a complete dunce and needs further help caring for her infant?

I never suggested she was "a complete dunce." Many, many people, especially first time parents, are not aware that there is a risk of choking when you bottle prop or that it's important to baby's eye development to feed in multiple positions, not just on one side in the cradle hold all the time. I certainly didn't know that when my baby was 4 weeks old and I wouldn't consider myself a "dunce" when it comes to baby care.

[RoseDuperre]

Originally Posted by PatioGardener

Remember that baby got 4 weeks of breastmilk - that may not have happened without your encouragement and support.

Totally.

I've had similar challenges recently, one being a stepsister, one sister of my best friend, and then also a postpartum doula client. It is HARD, but we have to learn - you can lead a mom to water, but you cannot make her drink (as I blogged recently).

[naturalmummy]

All very helpful coaching. Thank you! I am looking at this from a different perspective and realize that 4 weeks was better than nothing and as one of the PPs said, i am going to be faced with this constantly, so better learn to live and let live now and not take each case on as my "problem."

FYI my SIL has since shared with me that she appreciated all the support and wouldn't have even bf for 4 weeks or at all if not for my support and encouragement. So it is worth something! My nephew got 4 weeks of liquid gold.

Thanks again, you've all raised great points and perspectives!