How to best help new mom

[firelillylight]

Hi Everyone, I hope this is the right place to put this. My sister is being induced this week and I am going to stay with her after she returns home. I'm worried she may end up having a cesearean as she's being induced for having a "big baby". What you do all think would be helpful in terms of her care, with or without cesearean? I know the preparing meals, cleaning house, running out to the store and any errands...but is there anything i should bring, any special meals, anything at all that might be extra helpful?

thanks so much,

melanie

[BanditaMamacita]

No specific advice. I just wanted to say, first of all, it's so sweet of you to drop everything to help your sister like that. But the best way to help is to find out what she wants and needs, and do that. For me, I'm super independent, so it was exhausting and frustrating when my MIL was scrubbing my bathtub (of course, that may have been more about her, but thats another story. lol). But of course, lots of people really appreciate a lot of help. And that might mean cooking or cleaning so she can be with the baby , or it might just mean moral support and companionship (early motherhood can seem so isolating in the wee hours!), or it might mean taking care of the baby so she can rest. The only way to know is to ask her... and she might not know until she gets there But congratulations and good luck to you and your family

[mamatolevi]

Things my sister did for me that were sooo helpful:

make sure she has a snack & a drink every time she settles down to nurse

If she has had a c/s (and I REALLY hope she doesn't) do any and all lifting and carrying for her, but still make sure she walks a bit to prevent stiffening up.

Let her process the birth and let her know that ALL her feelings about it are valid - even if there are negative feelings.

Help limit visits so she's not feeling like she has to entertain anyone. Find out if there's anyone she really doesn't want to see but might have to and make a plan to end the visit quickly.

Encourage her to stay in her pajamas!

[jecombs]

Great suggestions so far! If you cook for her, make sure it's nothing that may cause a lot of gas. I made the mistake of eating a big plate of brocolli the day after I had DD. I was BFing so we both got really terrible gas. For me, it wasn't so bad, but for DD-- she was in agony and I had to send DH to Walmart at 6:00 AM to get her some gas drops.

Definitely help her limit visits from well-meaning friends and family members. They shouldn't stay more than 15 min and they shouldn't spend the entire 15 min visit hogging the baby.

The best thing my sister did for me after I had DD was to re-paint my guest room! She brought me paint chips, I choose a color, and she painted the room. She made it look really nice when the Grandparents came to stay with us a few weeks later!

[firelillylight]

thanks ladies...great suggestions. I'm so worried, because my sister (another) came to visit me when i had dd 7 mo ago, and it was such a lifesaver, she was perfect. she knew exactly what i needed and wanted and iit was so amazing. having that experience, i want this sister to experience the same.

thanks so much!

[wbg]

I agree with all the PPS and it is personal so do not be afraid to ask.

My aunt gave my DH some great advice. She said never ask a postpartum Mama if she is hungry or what she feels like. She just had a baby and is tired and overwhelmed. So just show up with a nice cup of tea, some fresh fruit and a sandwich. And then a coupla hours later, a drink and a muffin etc. Nice small frequent meals with a combination of healthy foods and some comfort snacks! She did just birth a baby.... a slice of her fave cake is well deserved! What's the worst that can happen....she won't eat it! Needless to say this was such great advice. When visitors would ask what I felt like, I had no clue! So when he would just pop a plate next to me, 9 times out of 10 I ate it with relish!

My DH now knows exactly what I love. Out staple pospartum foods are: fresh fruit, chopped up and easy to eat while nursing, muffins, yummy wraps filled with salad plus some protein like chopped chicken etc. Anything easy to eat. And for some reason I get insanely thirsty for yummy juices so he stocks up at whole foods/ trader joes on yummy "treat"drinks like natural sodas etc.

Also, I find I feel guilty when people help me. So when someones says, can I unpack the dishwasher? I always say, oh no, its okay. So try saying I am just popping on a load of laundry if thats okay. More of a statement. It gives her the opportunity to request you dont if she feels its annoying, but allows her to accept your kind act with ease too.

What an amazing and thoughtful sister you are!

[firelillylight]

Update: she's having a ceserean in about 20 minutes.... i feel so sad for her. all day she's been contracting and only got 1 cm. d@#n inductions!

[wbg]

Ugh...inductions suck! Well do let us know about the safe arrival of the little one and wishing her a lifetime of magic with her new baby and a speedy recovery!

[Peace+Hope]

Originally Posted by firelillylight

thanks ladies...great suggestions. I'm so worried, because my sister (another) came to visit me when i had dd 7 mo ago, and it was such a lifesaver, she was perfect. she knew exactly what i needed and wanted and iit was so amazing. having that experience, i want this sister to experience the same.

great - talk to her! and spend some time reflecting on how she was/what she did that left you with such positive memories.

more than a list, i think finding a balance of attentiveness to needs and not hovering is a great way to be helpful but not overwhelming to anyone in a sensitive time. i know i will want both care and space.... knowing your sister is better than any other prep.

so great you are doing this, especially now that she'll have a more difficult recovery!!!

[mamatolevi]

I'm so sorry she ended up with a c/s and I hope she has a quick recovery. You may want to refer her to ICAN for the c/s recovery tips, or print the white paper on it for her.

Don't forget to encourage her to take it easy for a while. It's tempting to do too much too soon esp if one is healing quickly. In the end all that does is slow down the process.

As I said before, let her process everything, but make sure she knows that any and all feelings she has about the birth now or in the future are perfectly valid and deserve to be heard and not dismissed. If she has trouble finding someone other than you who gets it about how she may feel, ICAN can be a great source of support.

[camprunner]

When she gets home, do the house work without making her ask. If you see that she needs something off the floor, run to pick it up for her. Make lunch without making her feel guilty. My MIL stayed with my after the birth of my two children. We are both quiet. She just sat there all day and watched me struggle because she was afraid of stepping on my toes and I was too afraid to ask for help. One day after my first was born, I ate brown lettuce for lunch because I couldn't handle cooking for three. I felt less guilty about not offering them the brown lettuce than I would have eating something I really wanted without offering it to everyone.

[ms.shell]

be prepared in case her emotions are a mess and dont take it personally if she takes it out on you. My dh was so sweet to want to help me any way he could, but because he was the main person around he had a hard time dealing with the huge hormonal shift and we fought a good bit in the days following delivery. If he had known to expect me crying (a LOT) and being super hormonal it would have been easier for him. i think he was actually thinking, pregnancy is over this hormonal bs will be over, and he was blindsided when it got much worse in the first few days post partum. i also hurt some other people's feelings by snapping at them, and this is really unlike me...so be prepared for extreme emotions from her!

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Watch the baby while she sleeps and let her get at least one bath a day that is a lifesaver.

[Peace+Hope]

firelillylight, how's it going? thinking of you and the wonderful gift you are giving your sister.