I don't like the way DH handles tantrums - your input? UPDATE #33

[InMediasRes]

DS is 2.5yo and very sensitive/explosive. He is like every kid in that he is worse when he is tired/hungry, but he also has some sensory issues that we are working on.

DH and I have been arguing about a dinner problem. DS is usually tired and hungry by dinner time (I am working on serving his dinner earlier, but it's not always possible), but he absolutely cannot sit still to eat. He WANTS to eat, but he just CAN'T. He is distracted by talking, wanting to go play, jump, whatever. He is incapable of sitting in a chair. Between not falling out of it and not climbing onto the table, dinner time is usually a problem. We've tried to accommodate him, but some nights he really just can't eat.

So I tell him that we're cleaning up, and if he'd like to eat, he needs to do it now. He panics and says he wants it. I give it to him. He doesn't eat anything and heads back to the living room. I remind him again (while cleaning the other dishes away) that he has a few minutes. He panics....on and on. DH thinks I should just give him one chance and then huck his dinner whether he screams or not. So tonight we tried it and.... he starts raging. These tantrums are very different from his usual and I have a hard time with them so DH offers to step in.

His favorite tactics are:

1) Distract/try to cheer: He offers to play a game, GIVE HIM CHOCOLATE, take him upstairs for a book, anything to get him to stop thinking about it. I don't think it's fair to just think his feelings will go away, and it doesn't work anyway, not when he's that far gone. I also don't like the food = stress relief association.

2) Tell him that his upset is upsetting others: tonight it was "You need to calm down, you're making DD upset". What? Bottle it up so that other people don't get upset?!

3) Separate him from me: I see why this might work in theory because my validating does tend to make it worse before it gets better, but it doesn't work in practice because I am usually the one he wants for comfort. I get that DH needs to find his own way, but the rages don't happen often and I feel like they need to be handled carefully. Maybe I'm over-reacting on that?

Then when he finally calmed down, he told him he could have a snack. DH thinks he learned that he has a certain span of time to eat his dinner, and that's that. I think he learned that if he stalls, rages, and then asks for food, DH gets him a granola bar instead of his healthy dinner.

Ideas? I don't like this power struggle over food ONE BIT. I really prefer to just leave DS's dinner out until he's so far lost interest in it that I really can toss/save it without freaking him out, but DH thinks we should have a more routine approach about this. Argh. Maybe I'm just splitting hairs over something stupid, IDK.

[Dandelionkid]

Can you put out a fruit/veggie tray as you are getting supper ready so he can snack on healthy stuff while he is super hungry? That way you know he at least had that. He is pretty little- I probably would ask him to come to the table but let him leave when he is done, put away his food when supper is over and give the same bedtime snack every night (maybe cheese).

[ssh]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

Can you put out a fruit/veggie tray as you are getting supper ready so he can snack on healthy stuff while he is super hungry? That way you know he at least had that. He is pretty little- I probably would ask him to come to the table but let him leave when he is done, put away his food when supper is over and give the same bedtime snack every night (maybe cheese).

This works. My DD often snacks while I'm cooking. Sometime she's hungry enough for abit of dinner sometimes not. She really wasn't able to sit very long for dinner while she was two. By the time she was 3.5 she loved having dinner together at the table.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Its really hard for a child that age to sit and eat dinner with the family. Its even harder if he has sensory issues - the smells, the amount of food on the plate, everyone sitting around the table together, etc.

Can you let this eating thing go for another year or so? Around 3.5 or 4 he might be better able to sit with the family at the table.

You'd be doing him a favor, anyway, by having foods out frequently and letting him "graze." Then he could respond to his body's signals for food, rather than unsuccessfully trying to adapt his body to an imposed eating schedule. In addition, food wouldn't become such a charged issue.

As for how to respond to tantrums, it looks like your DH has some good ideas and good responses and some not-so-good ones. Once his feelings have been acknowledged, encouraging him to turn his attention to something else is a pretty good tactic. Some kids get stuck in the negative emotion and can't move on.

Giving him chocolate or other edible treats to stop a tantrum is probably a pattern you don't want to get into.

Pointing out the effect his behavior has on others doesn't seem that bad to me as long as the intent isn't to stuff his feelings, but to show him ways to manage his emotions that don't hurt others. So, I could see saying something like, "Your sister is covering her ears and crying. She doesn't like the loud noises you are making because you are upset. Let's go into the bedroom together and close the door."

I think at that age he does need his mama for comfort. I don't understand why DH would want to separate DS from you. If he wants to be able to comfort his son and be a resource for him as much as mama is, the time to work on that is not in the middle of a tantrum. Its all the time DS spends with you, all the nurturing and togetherness, that makes him want you when he needs comfort, so your DH would need to also put in all that time while DS is not upset to get to the place where DS seeks DH out for comfort, at least while he is so young.

[Ruthla]

I think you should feed DS when he's hungry, and not make him wait for the family dinner time. If he then wants to eat again with you and DH, that's great. If he doesn't, that's OK too- he's already eaten.

[InMediasRes]

FTR, I do feed him when he's hungry. I give him snacks when he asks and encourage him to eat throughout the day. I give him small snacks before dinner to tide him over.

ITA that food should never be something to fight over. However, DH usually only gets home an hour before DS's bedtime, so he is TIRED at dinner. I don't like the scheduling, but I can't change it. It is almost impossible for me to get dinner ready earlier than that, so DS would be eating snacks for dinner every night, which I don't really like either. I guess if he ate leftover dinner for lunch, it wouldn't matter if he had "lunch" for dinner. Maybe I just need to rethink the timing.

DH has different ideas about what kids should do at dinner time, and he thinks DS should just "learn" to sit with us, even if he's not eating. I disagree. The real issue here is this particular point: I think we should make special consideration for his sensory issues (and the fact hat he's still little), and DH denied that he has the issues at dinner and wants to train him, so to speak. I would like t get DH to let this issue go, but he keeps at it.

This is the way DH handles ALL tantrums, so the food issue is realy a separate problem, IMO, although it is the one that DH deals with the most since it happens when he's home.

[sarahtdubb]

I second the idea of trying your best to feed him more before dinner. We were having problems like this-- DS too far gone at dinner time, not eating, then getting frantically hungry and crazy for the rest of the evening. It has really helped to just make myself get him dinner earlier and make it part of our schedule. Almost every evening I just cook him a scrambled egg--it's easy and I know he likes it-- between 4:30-5. He scarfs it down! Sometimes he stands on a chair in the kitchen and eats from the counter while I cook dinner, other nights he is in his high chair, and sometimes we have a picnic on the floor.

I think it helps keep him calm because then when we sit down to eat--like 6/6:30, he sits with us and eats again (for a few minutes). if we skip his early dinner, he does not eat with us later, he's too wacky and moody. I've also noticed that it satisfies his initial hunger, so he tries a wider variety of foods with us at dinner--ie. miso soup, veggies, tofu, sweet potatoes, etc.--that he normally rejects if he is too hungry.

[lnitti]

I have a couple thoughts:

1. Who says that the snack food cannot be the same as the dinner time food? Certain foods do not have to get designated as snack and others as dinner. Why not give him the dinner as his snack at the time that works for you and him?

2. you know you can feed your son dinner anytime you like. Who cares what time DH gets home. He is a big boy, he can take care of himself. Make dinner for you and your son when it works for you and him. When your DH gets home, he can reheat his portion and your son can eat a snack (or more of the dinner food) with him if your son is hungry again. And if he's not hungry at that time, it won't matter because he has already had dinner. Or alternatively, your DH could spend that time with your son playing, reading, etc. and reheat and eat his dinner when your son has gone to bed. You have to meet your sons needs. Your DH can take care of himself.

Something I do is cook extras of everything so that we have many meals that are simply reheating leftovers. Saves time on the days that we don't have time. Like dd too hungry to wait for me to cook and thowing fits - I can just reheat some of the leftovers instead of resorting to other readily available, but not as nutritious foods. When we get home from school/work, and they are starving, sometimes they will start with cereal or something while I reheat dinner. If I didn't have foods to reheat, they would end up filling up on their snack of quickly available foods (cereal, animal cookies, crackers, etc) and then they won't eat dinner later because they would be full.

And I rarely would hold up dinner to wait for my DH. He is not home evening M-Th, and Friday, Sat and Sunday he is not at work, but I still don't usually wait for him. That is not to say that we never eat together, but if my kids are hungry we're not waiting for him. On any day when we absolutely have to eat with him, they generally are given something to eat not long before dinner preparation begins to make sure they can make it till dinner (even if they end up not eating much dinner).

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by lnitti

I have a couple thoughts:

1. Who says that the snack food cannot be the same as the dinner time food? Certain foods do not have to get designated as snack and others as dinner. Why not give him the dinner as his snack at the time that works for you and him?

2. you know you can feed your son dinner anytime you like. Who cares what time DH gets home. He is a big boy, he can take care of himself. Make dinner for you and your son when it works for you and him. When your DH gets home, he can reheat his portion and your son can eat a snack (or more of the dinner food) with him if your son is hungry again. And if he's not hungry at that time, it won't matter because he has already had dinner. Or alternatively, your DH could spend that time with your son playing, reading, etc. and reheat and eat his dinner when your son has gone to bed. You have to meet your sons needs. Your DH can take care of himself.

Something I do is cook extras of everything so that we have many meals that are simply reheating leftovers. Saves time on the days that we don't have time. Like dd too hungry to wait for me to cook and thowing fits - I can just reheat some of the leftovers instead of resorting to other readily available, but not as nutritious foods. When we get home from school/work, and they are starving, sometimes they will start with cereal or something while I reheat dinner. If I didn't have foods to reheat, they would end up filling up on their snack of quickly available foods (cereal, animal cookies, crackers, etc) and then they won't eat dinner later because they would be full.

And I rarely would hold up dinner to wait for my DH. He is not home evening M-Th, and Friday, Sat and Sunday he is not at work, but I still don't usually wait for him. That is not to say that we never eat together, but if my kids are hungry we're not waiting for him. On any day when we absolutely have to eat with him, they generally are given something to eat not long before dinner preparation begins to make sure they can make it till dinner (even if they end up not eating much dinner).

I also only cook 2-3 times a week and do left overs the other nights. The problem is on the nights when I am cooking and I CAN'T give him what I'm cooking. Like tonight I am making a wild rice dish and rice can't be eaten raw. Some of the ingredients he won't eat unless they are cooked, like broccoli and onions.

The actual issue that I wanted to mention here is the tantrums. I am working on the timing of feeding him, like I said, and I am not averse to feeding him before dinner. I don't really like it when he fills up on fruit and cheese (not that those are not healthy foods, but dinner is usually our healthiest, most balanced meal, not that that can't change if it needs to). The only reason I brought up this particular case is because DH seems to think that we may need to get to the tantrum point so that he will learn that he eats when we eat. I totally disagree and think that the tantrum should be avoided completely and I don't like how he handles it afterward.

That's what I was really asking about. Maybe I should have just left the back story off, but I thought it was relevant since it's usually the issue that DH deals with the most because he is home.

And as far as cooking dinner ahead of time and feeding us and making DH wait - he gets home at 6. I don't think that's an unreasonable hour for dinner. I value our family meal, although I think it is still to early to expect our son to go along with it. I still would like to eat dinner most nights with DH.

[azmomtoone]

Have you seen muffin tin meals / monkey platters? If not google either of those terms and you'll come up w/ lots of ideas that will probably help you out tons!
The muffin tin meal thing has been huge here....just put a bunch of different healthy foods into different spots of a muffin tin and leave them out where you're little one can get to them. That way - your LO can eat when they are hungry, as much or little as they need, and you know they are eating healthy.... we've been doing these w/ DS since he was about 16 mos or so...used to be a daily thing, now it's mostly just when he hasn't eaten well or I don't feel like fixing something during the day... they are very quick to prepare, chop up an apple, celery, carrot, cucumber, pear etc, make (multi-grain / whole wheat) toast and cut into fingers, add some cheese cubes (DS loves FETA cheese crumbles!), cubes or slices of whatever leftover meat you have in the fridge, pumpkin/sunflower seeds, raisins, cranberries... Use mostly foods you know your LO will eat, and add a food or two each day that is new or usually refused, he may surprise you by trying something new! Meat/cheese cubes, or meat slices rolled up, w/ a toothpick stuck through them are huge here too....even grapes or banana slices, I don't know why, but it all goes over better if there's a toothpick in it!
Would your DH be happy if your DS was at the table with you but maybe driving cars, or coloring, playing w/ playdough, etc? some activity that keeps him happy.

you know you can feed your son dinner anytime you like. Who cares what time DH gets home. He is a big boy, he can take care of himself. Make dinner for you and your son when it works for you and him. When your DH gets home, he can reheat his portion and your son can eat a snack (or more of the dinner food) with him if your son is hungry again. And if he's not hungry at that time, it won't matter because he has already had dinner. Or alternatively, your DH could spend that time with your son playing, reading, etc. and reheat and eat his dinner when your son has gone to bed. You have to meet your sons needs. Your DH can take care of himself.

I agree w/ the above for the most part.... except I would probably say feed your son, and you and your husband eat together while he plays (with you or in the other room, if it'll avoid a fight, IMO).

[azmomtoone]

His favorite tactics are:

1) Distract/try to cheer: He offers to play a game, GIVE HIM CHOCOLATE, take him upstairs for a book, anything to get him to stop thinking about it. I don't think it's fair to just think his feelings will go away, and it doesn't work anyway, not when he's that far gone. I also don't like the food = stress relief association.

2) Tell him that his upset is upsetting others: tonight it was "You need to calm down, you're making DD upset". What? Bottle it up so that other people don't get upset?!

3) Separate him from me: I see why this might work in theory because my validating does tend to make it worse before it gets better, but it doesn't work in practice because I am usually the one he wants for comfort. I get that DH needs to find his own way, but the rages don't happen often and I feel like they need to be handled carefully. Maybe I'm over-reacting on that?

Honestly, I don't see anything wrong w/ any of that. If the tantrums are infrequent....then I would just ...live and let live - sounds like your DH is doing the best he can to stop the tantrum & make your DS feel better.
I think as Mom, sometimes it's hard to let go and let someone else 'handle' it - esp when our LO's are crying....I know I feel that way often, whether DS has fallen down, or is upset because he was told "no" or is just overtired....as soon as he starts crying I'm put on edge - and I want to fix it myself....but that would really just be undermining DH if he's already doing something.... (does that make sense? I'm tired and rambling now....)

If your DS really does just want you....(ie - nursing, etc) maybe you could ask DH to clean up while you take care of DS?

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by azmomtoone

Honestly, I don't see anything wrong w/ any of that. If the tantrums are infrequent....then I would just ...live and let live - sounds like your DH is doing the best he can to stop the tantrum & make your DS feel better.
I think as Mom, sometimes it's hard to let go and let someone else 'handle' it - esp when our LO's are crying....I know I feel that way often, whether DS has fallen down, or is upset because he was told "no" or is just overtired....as soon as he starts crying I'm put on edge - and I want to fix it myself....but that would really just be undermining DH if he's already doing something.... (does that make sense? I'm tired and rambling now....)

If your DS really does just want you....(ie - nursing, etc) maybe you could ask DH to clean up while you take care of DS?

Tantrums are so far from infrequent at our house. They are like a 3-5x daily occurence. What is NOT usual are these rages, which I think require special attention (ie, the normal tactics don't really work).

I DO see a problem with trying to guilt someone out of their feelings by telling them that they upset others. I also have a problem with not validating the feelings at all and pretending like nothing is wrong while asking if he wants to play a game.

BUT, maybe I am just crazy and this is no big deal. I guess that the fact that my DS gets worse and worse and worse until I am allowed to deal with it makes me feel like something is not going right. I agree that I want to let DH learn his own way, but not at DS's expense (ie. being made to rage longer than necessary because he's being refused my company), and I also don't like undermining DH, but again....

Maybe no one else has seen this explosive, destructive type tantrum. Maybe I'm just too sensitive to it. I don't know.

[Tigerchild]

If I were you, I would not say negative things to DH about how he's handling things, and you should *negotiate* dinner routines. I see nothing wrong with DH's ideas. How many have you tried? I think it's fair enough to try any idea for a week or two, if it doesn't work then you move on to the next on the list. You've listed things that DH has come up with. Time to add some of your ideas to the list, alternating one of his for one of yours. Eventually you'll find something that works, or you'll alternate your way out of the stage.

I don't think your DH's expectations are off base either. We never allowed back and forth at the dinner table either (in our case, that was not pragmatic, with three children under 2). They sat, they ate, when they decided they were done, they were washed up and let free (we kept a childproof play area next to the dinner table, so that we could sit and eat and talk while still keeping an eye on everyone). No demands on how much they ate. After all, they were going to get a before-bedtime-routine snack.

As they got older, we engaged them at more conversation at the table, and they stayed for longer periods of time.

Of course, every family is different. Perhaps you'd prefer a buffet-and-run-and-return style of dinner, which is fine. However, there is more than just you and your desires in the household, so you might need to compromise on a sitting together as a family for 5 minutes for the meal/snack (if DH comes home very late), then off the kiddo runs as he needs to.

But I don't agree that toddlers are incapable of family mealtimes. We have three very different personality kids, and we made it work with a minimum of fuss. DH is not going to get a formal family dinner every night (if that's what he wants). I don't think it's unreasonable of you to compromise and make things a little less up and down. It sounds like your DH has good instincts, and so do you. So instead of worrying who's doing things 'wrong' why not try lots of things until you get the 'right' mix?

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by SactoMommy

I DO see a problem with trying to guilt someone out of their feelings by telling them that they upset others. I also have a problem with not validating the feelings at all and pretending like nothing is wrong while asking if he wants to play a game.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out for a minute. Are you SURE that DH's intention is "guilting" or might that be some projection on your part?

Because if DS screaming and tantruming does make DD cry, then saying that screaming is upsetting DD is not a guilt-trip, it's a statement of fact. Empathy does not always develop in a vaccum, and at 2.5, DS can be told on a rudimentary level that his actions DO affect others.

And how is distraction and not being pulled in to the emotions "not validating" feelings, if this is a frequent response and how DS deals with any type of stress or not getting what he wants? Sometimes remaining calm and on and even keel is actually respecting DS venting without compounding things by adding to them.

So it's not okay for DH to remark on OR try to ignore DS's behavior? I'm sorry, mama, I can tell you are frustrated, but DH is a different person and following your exact formula of how to respond may or may not feel natural or unfakey to him.

My DD has had the type of tantrums that you describe (hers didn't really start until 3 though.) They ARE tough. They DO rip at your insides. It's so easy to want to pull out all the stops just to make it better. However, DH ( who is the more pragmatic/even keel of the two of us) actually had more success in the long term than me, using some of the techniques you've described of your DH. And since I had been raised in a very abusive, manipulative, sick environment you would not believe how strongly I projected onto what he was doing. Thank goodness he was able to manage MY tantrums and fears too. :P Sometimes the person who frankly doesn't have to deal with that type of emotional stress that those huge raging tantrums create in you as much can try/see different ways of doing things than the person who is constantly having to worry about when the next one is. Not saying that will be true in your case, we had to try lots of different coping strategies before we found a good balanced set for our toolkit. But...again, I would really urge you to try to let DH try some stuff his own way.

[Tjej]

I think that you can expect your child to sit with you if that is what your family decides - you can have food and/or a coloring book or something for when your child is done eating.

I think that the snack after the rage was not a good idea either. For us, if DD does not eat supper she gets a glass of milk before bed (if she wants). So we know she has some protein in her tummy for the night.

HTH

Tjej

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

DH is a different person and following your exact formula of how to respond may or may not feel natural or unfakey to him. ...But...again, I would really urge you to try to let DH try some stuff his own way.

I agree. Let DH have his "own" way. Dads as well need to feel confident in their abilities to handle all scopes of their children's behaviors.

And I don't think a 2 year old needs only mommy for comfort in a raging tantrum. If you were gone how would Dad cope if he never got the chance to learn? How would your SON cope with Dad's methods if he never got the chance to tantrum with Dad?

As for bothering others by a tantrum, I see no problem pointing out the fact that one person's crying and screaming is bothering others. That's why we remove our children from public places when they do that, that's why I won't argue with DH (which is rare anyway ) in front of the kids, and is also why I don't let my kids tantrum in front of the baby - because it scares him. I like what the PP said: "Your sister is covering her ears and crying. She doesn't like the loud noises you are making because you are upset. Let's go into the bedroom together and close the door."

As for distracting him from his upset mind, what is wrong in that? Even when my own DH has a bad day, I distract him for awhile with some flirtation, jokes, etc., until the "edge" is worn off and he's ready to talk. I do that with my kids - if one is screaming and ranting, I will TRY to make light of something my making monkey faces or stomping my feet and telling them I'm a big mad gorilla, and then when they start smiling and laughing, I hold them and talk and validate why they were upset.



As for dinner, just a thought - have you tried serving all the meals in wonky orders? Like breakfast at waking, then a snack/meal around 11, then a late lunch around 2 or 3 so he's not overhungry by 6?

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by SactoMommy

...

I DO see a problem with trying to guilt someone out of their feelings by telling them that they upset others. I also have a problem with not validating the feelings at all and pretending like nothing is wrong while asking if he wants to play a game.

...

I see a problem with that, too, but is this what your DH is doing? I don't think it's wrong to tell DS that his ACTIONS (how he's displaying his feelings) are what's upsetting to the rest of the family. Could your DH maybe continue the conversation (you know, beyond "Stop it, you're upsetting everyone") in such a way that DS will learn that while his feelings of rage and frustration are okay, how he's venting them is not, so here's what we can do instead....? Maybe this is how DH can distract from the tantruming and help DS find a way to organize his feelings so he can calm down and know what he wants.

My son is just starting the "Terrible Twos" and talking to him helps a great deal. Sometimes it's really hard to get him to stop flailing and being angry, but the more we talk the easier it becomes to figure out what's really going on (or to distract him with something else -- sometimes I'm not even sure which it is!).

I think you are right about not wanting to reinforce the pattern of "ignore dinner, have fit, get granola bar" -- talk to DH and come up with a game plan you both can live with, whether it's "This is dinner. Now it's over. No more food til snack time." or "This is dinner. Eat it whenever you feel like it."

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out for a minute. Are you SURE that DH's intention is "guilting" or might that be some projection on your part?

Okay, I think you might be partly right here. I suppose telling him that his actions affect others is fine, even during a tantrum. After all, I won't let him hit or kick me, and I suppose this is similar.

However, saying, "STOP CRYING, you are upsetting the baby" feels like guilt to me. And you're right that some of it is my own upbringing. My mom constantly told me that I had no right to my feelings or that it didn't matter that I was upset. So yeah, I take particular issue with this point. I suppose I should just ask him about this particular wording and leave the guilting thing aside. He probably is just trying to point out a fact, like you said. He is a very sensitive guy himself.

I suppose the biggest part of the problem is that I am exhausted by dinner time from trying to keep him from destroying the house or falling apart all day, and then DH comes home and wants to do this thing that I know will send him raging. I just don't want to listen to one more tantrum at dinner time.

And I don't think it's unreasonable to want a kid to sit with you for dinner either, but I have recently decided that it's unreasonable for MY kid. He's a sensory seeker, so when he gets tired and hungry, he truly CANNOT sit down. Last night I tried putting a stool under his feet for him to bounce his feet on a bit, and that bought us about 3 min, but we're getting somewhere. He really will not get any food into himself if he's tired because he will be unable to sit still to eat it. That's why I don't mind his food being left for him to eat sort of "drive by" style as this is the only way to get food into him at dinner time.

You're right, I'm really frustrated and exhausted. I know what works, and I hate watching DH fumble around trying to learn. As of yet, I haven't talked to him about the way he handles tantrums. He knows I don't really like it, but I respect his space while he learns. I guess some people don't see anything he's doing as a problem, so I'm going to try taking this as more of a brainstorming approach than a "I don't like the way you do this" approach, although to be fair, he did the same thing with me with how I handled dinner. Trying to offer my son his dinner again only to hear, "Don't do it! Don't give in! If you say you're going to put it away, then do it!" in front of my kid feels hurtful to me.

DH and I usually have very good communication. We're struggling with the new stuff with DS, and we're on opposite sides of how to handle it right now. We're meeting more in the middle, but it's slow going, and we're still figuring out how to handle things in the moment when we disagree.

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Its really hard for a child that age to sit and eat dinner with the family.

So many people say this on these boards. Is this really true? Because in real life, I know of no parents who have these "sitting still" issues with their littles....most people do it from day one and the kids know no different.

[Mizelenius]

I think your thread should be called, "I don't think DH has reasonable expectations of a 2.5 year old."

I'd do these two things:
(1) Talk to DH-- not at dinner/when the kids are around/etc. about how YOU want to have a nice dinner. YOU want to be able to enjoy a meal without this issue of your DS. I think that's fair, after a long day! I find it very stressful and difficult to eat when there is tension! Tell DH to do you a favor, and for the next several weeks at least, give your way a try. In other words, the point would not be to convince your DH of anything except that YOU need a break.

(2) You're a SAHM, yes? I'd just feed DS pretty often, not really worrying about whether it's a snack or meal. Food is food. I think you need to let go of what he eats and when. You will not cause any permanent damage with this attitude. Then, if he WANTS to sit at the table for dinner, fine. I might tell him it's dinner/invite him . . .maybe, but maybe I wouldn't even do that for a week, just to give him a break from this whole thing.

I think you are both contributing to this becoming an issue . . .DH expects your son to act a certain way when your son is (a) two years old and (b) at his worst (the end of the day). You are overly concerned with what he is eating and when-- yet he has to eat late in the evening since it goes according to DH's work schedule. In other words, I suggest not making this an issue about your DS-- such as saying he has sensory issues-- but rather look at the role the adults have in this situation.