I cannot handle my toddler anymore!! - Page 2

[sophi4ka]

Originally Posted by twin_mama

My 2 1/2 yo dd is very trying in general. The constant tears, whining, crying, etc. I have no advice but wanted you to know that I get it!

In fact I'm glad I read your post today because just earlier I was wondering if other parents have to deal with the constant whining and crying like I do. It's enough to drive a person mad!

Oh, I am so glad you said that. I could write exactly the same word by word. My DD is constantly whining and crying or screaming if she doesn't get what she wants at THIS VERY SECOND. It is true that it is enough to drive a person mad. It does. I am going mad. Sometimes she just whines and whines and I don't know what she wants. Like she just wants to be annoying or something.

I lose my patience so quick lately. I can't stand her at times. I feel like a terrible mother way too often these days, cause I am constantly irritated at her. I am trying to be positive and nice, but seriously, how much patience can a person have? Some days I so wish I could send her away somewhere and get some rest.

I totally get you. And it scares me that DD is not even 2 yet. So it means that the worse is yet to come...

[Disco Infiltrator]

toddlers are so crazy - they're stuck between baby and child, they're entire world is about them making the decision and opposing us, they're CRAZY. Our DS basically refuses to eat unless HE has come up with the food choice. Most recently he decided to lie on the ground of the drug store parking lot screaming because he didn't want to go home. We just stood there until he was done and attempted to stifle our giggles at his total ridiculousness, and at least appeared to take him seriously.

One think I can suggest to parents of boys - they don't like to be looked in the eye. I don't bother even attempting to make DS look at me when I want to get a point across. I just hold him and talk into his ear. It reduces a lot of my frustration. Also, toddlers will hear you but not respond to your request right away, so even if they appear to be not listening, they are, and they may do what you requested at some point in the future. Lastly, I try to remember that whatever DS is upset about or is oppositional about really is important to HIM. It is life and death in his mind. That helps me maintain my empathy for him.

[butterfly_mommy]

Originally Posted by Disco Infiltrator

toddlers are so crazy - they're stuck between baby and child, they're entire world is about them making the decision and opposing us, they're CRAZY. Our DS basically refuses to eat unless HE has come up with the food choice. Most recently he decided to lie on the ground of the drug store parking lot screaming because he didn't want to go home. We just stood there until he was done and attempted to stifle our giggles at his total ridiculousness, and at least appeared to take him seriously.

One think I can suggest to parents of boys - they don't like to be looked in the eye. I don't bother even attempting to make DS look at me when I want to get a point across. I just hold him and talk into his ear. It reduces a lot of my frustration. Also, toddlers will hear you but not respond to your request right away, so even if they appear to be not listening, they are, and they may do what you requested at some point in the future. Lastly, I try to remember that whatever DS is upset about or is oppositional about really is important to HIM. It is life and death in his mind. That helps me maintain my empathy for him.

Thank you for those great points! Yes toddlers are CRAZY!

This morning DS ran off after I got his clothes and diaper together.
Me: "Julian come get dressed"
Julian: - Running off like a mad man in the opposite direction "No"
Me- "Do you want to see Grandma and Grandpa?"
J- Happily "Yesh" - Turns around and starts following me to the bedroom.
M- "Ok then first diaper and clothes"
J - Crying out "No" and running to the door to bang against it "Poppa, Poppa, poppa"
M- "You want to see Grandpa?"
J-crying "Yesh"
M- "You will, first diaper and clothes"
J- crying "yesh" bangs on door "Poppa, poppa...."

Then it is like a pig wrestling competition to diaper and dress him. If I can not get it all done in 30 secs then he is on the go and refuses to lie still.

I used to work as a Toddler teacher and had 5 toddlers in my group and used to have the patience of a saint but now I am just frustrated, angry mama more then I ever thought possible.

Again thanks for the reminders

[Nansense]

I have tears and laughter for you all...and I'm right there with you! I have two boys: 3 1/2 & 4 yo (almost 5). I've been living in he!! for 3 yrs. A pp said waking up depressed at the thought of her day - yup. me. All the back & forth arguements:yup.

I have the hardest time not taking things personally. WHen I get hit, kicked, yelled at, called mean words, etc... after a while it gets to me and I feel like a failure. Every decision I make I question myself - "is this a battle I'm supposed to win or should I have let it go?" COnstantly questioning.

No one ever said it was like this. They said it was "fun, great, wonderful!" I have yet to say to the world "motherhood is fun, I like this..." I am always at the end of my rope with a slight retreat to calmness, but only about a half inch.

ANd the guilt - I pray all my yelling and occassional nastiness will be forgotten and they don't turn into psychopaths.

Hugs to all.

[PPK]

Originally Posted by Nansense

ANd the guilt - I pray all my yelling and occassional nastiness will be forgotten and they don't turn into psychopaths.

So true, except I've been more than occasionally nasty with DS (2.5).

Our biggest problem lately is when we actually have friends stop by; he gets overexcited and demanding for attention. He won't let us just hang out and have an 'unstressed' moment. This is fairly new, so I hope it'll pass soon.

Otherwise, no advice, but can relate!

[Violet2]

I'm so glad I'm not alone. This is a GREAT thread.

DD is driving me nuts. She head butted my husband on purpose the other day and gave herself a black eye. I sometimes feel like I'm raising the next UFC champ or something.

There's very little sweetness and light over here. 2 is major drama. Very explosive. Violent--I got head butted in the stomach and hip last night, but it was an accident, not a toddler ninja attack.

DD's little classes are finishing up and I refuse to sign her up for anything else b/c I'm NOT going to fight her tooth and nail to get dressed and out of the house.

We are watching a lot of PBS over here right now. Just trying to survive this stage and avoid conflict.

ETA: I really think I want to go back to work and I fantasize about daycare for DD, but I don't think it will help. Just more things to be on time for which DD just cannot handle right now.

V

[happy2bamama]

Oh man, I can sure relate to all of this. DS is almost three and I am losing my mind. I don't know that I'm cut out for spending entire days upon days following someone else's wants entirely - who is? Especially when that person is barking orders at me and head butting me. What is up with the head butting - I saw that on here a few different times! DS did it to me on my brow yesterday and it hurt so bad that I burst into tears. He asked, "What happened to Mama?" which makes me so angry because clearly it was him ramming his noggin into my face and what I want to say is, "YOU F-ING HEAD BUTTED ME FOR NO F-ING REASON!" but I tried to explain what had happened and that I was crying because it hurt me. Then after I explain pain and hurt and being gentle he asks, "Whhhhhhy?" They are truly here to stomp on our last nerve, I think! I asked my mom the other day, "Can you think of any other job in which the person you are trying to help is running away from you not allowing you to help them?" and she said, "Mental hospital?"

I did have a very validating moment yesterday though - DH hasn't been working much lately because his business is slow, so he's been spending lots of time with DS over two weeks and he finally got it - he got what it feels like to be on the hamster wheel everyday of trying to get through the day, rarely doing what he wants and feeling exhausted at the end of it. He was like, "I am going crazy here. I don't know how you've done it." I think most dads don't truly get it because they do a few days here and there, but rarely the constant everyday struggle. And it's that never-ending cycle that is the killer. If an end is in sight, you can handle just about anything, but if you know that you have to wake up to this struggle everyday for the next X amount of years, it is enough to make you depressed (which some mamas here have said).

A friend told me that she read a great book about this stage (Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy) and it said to have other people babysit your kid as much as possible during this time. The struggles will be less for the babysitter and the kid because the babysitter doesn't really, genuinely care about any of the stuff because they aren't doing it day in and day out. And therefore the kid isn't pressing buttons like they do with us. We all have probably had instances in which we were shocked that our DC didn't struggle with something with another person (whether it be teeth brushing, diaper changing, etc.) when it's an issue with us every time.

I know for me personally, this has been harder to deal with because I am the youngest and never have really had to deal with a constant battle from anyone. I don't know what it's like to have to take crap from someone because I have always lived my life "crap-free" by choosing only positive and rewarding relationships. But now, I feel like I am at a loss because I don't have those skills and find this to be the hardest thing in the world. DH and I want more kids, but there is a part of me that doesn't know if I can do this again from the teething to the night-waking to the toddler stuff. Is it easier the second time around in terms of being able to handle all this stuff?

[bstandlee]

I am so thankful for this thread! I have been at my wit's end with DS, 2.5. I feel like all I do anymore is turn on PBS for him and count down the minutes until he's ready for sleep. Don't get me started on his refusing to nap and then being so exhausted he makes the rest of the day miserable for everyone around him. And grocery shopping yesterday was such a disaster...talk about humbling...not even being able to get groceries by yourself with a 2.5 year old. Ridiculous! I'm almost crying in relief that I'm not the only one!

[Violet2]

@happytobeamama

I am actually really looking forward to preschool precisely for the reasons you mentioned. Let someone else deal with DD, maybe they can get through to her!

I was asking moms about preschools for 2.5 yo and they were telling me about various programs. One mentioned a program where I could go too and I was like...

"No. I don't need or want to go. Let them deal with DD."

And there was a shocked little silence from moms who KNOW what 2 is like.

I felt sooooo mean, but it was honest. My DH and I are at our wit's end with DD. We need reinforcements.

Of course, I feel the need to say, DD has been okay the last few days. Not too bad. Some tantrums and difficult behavior but not enough to where we couldn't do anything. We still left the house and were mostly on time to things.

Also, I ordered a TON of parenting books looking for some tips and techniques. And they are all advice for old school parents who have never heard of GD. Grrrr. So apparently, we've outpaced the capacity of GD--which does work sometimes, but when it doesn't what am I to do? No one seems to know!
V

[happy2bamama]

When I dropped DS off at preschool today, he was SO independent. He's usually fine, but always likes that I'm there, but today he was off and running and one of the teachers told me afterward, "He had a really independent day today!" so we're going through something! And it's cool that he's learning so much and feeling so big and powerful, but man, I can't do it 24-7!

About books - I am looking for these three at my local used book shop...

The Emotional Life of the Toddler
The Magic Years
Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting

I can't tell if just one of these books will do it for me, so I'd like to read all three. That last one is a book about being zen in the face of parenting and I could definitely use a pep talk about being in the moment and breathing

I saw a review on Amazon for the Emotional Life of the Toddler and although the writer is AP-minded, I guess there's a section on sleep and the lady dismisses co-sleeping, which is a bummer. We don't co-sleep with DS anymore (so thankful - I need some kind of break!), but it makes me raise an eyebrow that the author doesn't see it's worth. But I can always just skip that chapter.

[StopThat!]

It's been one of those days (weeks) here too. My 19 mo is in a phase where he likes to take mouthfuls of food or drink (or BM even) and spit them every where sprinkler style. I've cleaned more this week than I thought I would in a whole life time.

I know this sounds dramatic - but to bring myself back down to the ground when I feel myself getting mean... I think about all the parents who lost a child and would give anything to be cleaning rice krispies off their walls. Oprah did an episode about missing children, and just face after face of missing babies, toddlers (and older children) scrolled down the screen. So today when he kicked me in the wrist while I tried to put his shoes on I pictured those faces and TRYED to be thankful I have him.

I told you it was dramatic - but it works for me. (sometimes)

[LionTigerBear]

My three-year-old is like this. Oh. my. goodness.

Hold On To Your Kids is a great all-encompassing parenting book. so is Raising Our Kids Raising Ourselves. But I am no saint, myself. I just do my best. sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I have just had it. Sigh.

Anyway, I wanted to mention that one thing that really really makes a difference for some kids is food allergies or intolerances. My son is allergic to dairy and wheat and we had recently tried reintroducing some of each and each time it made his behavior AWFUL. Ugh. Also, he has to be on a sugar-free diet, too, or else he gets crazy. So, something to consider.

Oh, and no, the second one is not necessarily easier. Our first son was an angel as a toddler. Our second son is . . . very strong-willed and aggressive and assertive. Lol. We shall see how the third one goes . . .

[Harmony96]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

Anyway, I wanted to mention that one thing that really really makes a difference for some kids is food allergies or intolerances. My son is allergic to dairy and wheat and we had recently tried reintroducing some of each and each time it made his behavior AWFUL. Ugh. Also, he has to be on a sugar-free diet, too, or else he gets crazy. So, something to consider.

Yes, this. Not for my own DD, but for one of her little friends. Sugar and preservatives affect her pretty severely... not sure what else does.

[Megs Mom]

Second the rec for Your Three Year Old. The authors are Ames and Ilg, and I have appreciated every book in the series.

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by happy2bamama

When I dropped DS off at preschool today, he was SO independent. He's usually fine, but always likes that I'm there, but today he was off and running and one of the teachers told me afterward, "He had a really independent day today!" so we're going through something! And it's cool that he's learning so much and feeling so big and powerful, but man, I can't do it 24-7!

About books - I am looking for these three at my local used book shop...

The Emotional Life of the Toddler
The Magic Years
Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting

I can't tell if just one of these books will do it for me, so I'd like to read all three. That last one is a book about being zen in the face of parenting and I could definitely use a pep talk about being in the moment and breathing

I saw a review on Amazon for the Emotional Life of the Toddler and although the writer is AP-minded, I guess there's a section on sleep and the lady dismisses co-sleeping, which is a bummer. We don't co-sleep with DS anymore (so thankful - I need some kind of break!), but it makes me raise an eyebrow that the author doesn't see it's worth. But I can always just skip that chapter.

I have The Emotional Life of a Toddler--it's a nice book but not, imo/ime, very useful. More theory, less practice.

I also have Everyday Blessings I believe, too spiritual for me. I couldn't slog through the text. I liked Momma Zen better, more readable and she admits to being human. She also has a blog.

I should re-read it. I first read it when DD was still an infant and I could read while she nursed. Ahh those were the days.

V

[jaxinsmom]

Originally Posted by Megs Mom

Second the rec for Your Three Year Old. The authors are Ames and Ilg, and I have appreciated every book in the series.

Same.

I posted on here about a year and a half ago with a thread titled "does anyone else want to lock themselves in their bathroom, rather than dealing with their 3 yo?"

I got a lot of responses, and one was the suggestion for this book -- IT SAVED MY LIFE!!!! There is no advice in it, but the author explaines WHY kids act the way they do at that stage in their life. It was so nice to understand where he was coming from and it helped me realize that it was just a stage and that it would end.

I have a friend who h as two girls 7 & 4 and her and her dh are contemplating at thrid, but as she said to me "I want another baby, but I don't want another 3 year old".

I routinely felt as thought I was ruining my son OR creating at brat....there was never a win, most days were a struggle and I went to bed feeling like crap. Then, slowly it got better. I enrolled him in a respite program down the road (which the authors HIGHLY recommend) and he was able to have some time every week to play with friends and I got a break.

He's almost 5 now and our relationship gets better and better every day!

Hang in there (hugs)

[OTMomma]

Originally Posted by happy2bamama

Is it easier the second time around in terms of being able to handle all this stuff?

The second time around it a whole new ball game- you, the parent are more expreienced to deal with it- but you get a new kid with a whole different presonality, so its a flip up.

[EnchantedMamma]

My 19 mo is in a phase where he likes to take mouthfuls of food or drink (or BM even) and spit them every where sprinkler style.

Us too. My thought: you (DS) are a loved, cared-for baby who does NOT live in a 3rd world country. If you are choosing to spit food (or drink), you are DONE with that food or drink. You are not starving and there will be another meal, or a bedtime sippy if necessary.

End of story. No fuss, no bargaining. If one reminder to 'Chew your food' falls on deaf ears, that is the end.

Of course, for us this usually occurs at the end of the meal. If it's the beginning... you have to consider whether or not to go ahead with removing the food/drink. Sigh.

[Narn]

Originally Posted by twin_mama

My 2 1/2 yo dd is very trying in general. The constant tears, whining, crying, etc. I have no advice but wanted you to know that I get it!

In fact I'm glad I read your post today because just earlier I was wondering if other parents have to deal with the constant whining and crying like I do. It's enough to drive a person mad!

It's so good to know I'm not alone!

[_betsy_]

I love this thread. It's so the epitome of the phrase "misery loves company."

Things that are working right now:
Less TV
More outdoor time (so not looking forward to real winter weather soon!)
DD has turned into a cuddlebug (!!!) but it must be on HER terms and at HER initiation


Things that are not working:
She STILL doesn't get that she's not allowed to pick up the baby.
When she wants to play with something we have deemed an "outdoor toy" and she wants to play with it right.now. Problem being, it's after dark, we don't have our own yard, and/or she's in jammies. Huge tantrums.
She hasn't pooped in like 4 days. No idea why. She says her tummy feels fine, and there have beena couple "false alarms," but still, no poop. Is this a control issue? Is she purposefully holding it in? Do I make it worse by asking if she needs to go?