Head Banging

[Aletheia]

... and not the mosh pit kind.

My 1 year old has, since he was 6 months or so, liked to gently bonk his head on our hard floor to hear the sound it makes (we presumed.) But in the last few days it's started to get ugly.

YESTERDAY: I was nursing his older brother, and he got jealous. He cried and tried to pull DS1 out of the way, and then gave up and ran straight to the front door. He then began to bang his head against the door with increasing vigor until he was crying not because he was mad, but because it hurt. Of course I had to stop nursing DS1 and go and rescue DS2 from himself, and ended up nursing him (with his brother.)

TODAY: I took him off the dining table and he had a fit and laid down on the hard wood floor and began kicking his feet and banging his head on the floor.

Oh my lord. I can't believe this. He has been a very mild-mannered child... until now. My first is very intense, but never did anything like this.

How do you gently discipline a child who is likely to try to hurt themself when they are told not to do something? HELP!

[Llyra]

This of course is just my own personal take...

Honestly, I think in these situations the best way to handle it is to gently ignore the behavior. I think that if you start trying to discipline about it, with rewards or punishments or even just distractions, you're inevitably paying the behavior attention, and kids can get the idea that hurting themselves can bring on attention and a big fuss from mama, and it encourages them to keep it up.

It's a really common behavior among little kids. They start out gently banging, because it feels good to do rhythmic repetitive motions, or because they're curious. Then they find out it upsets you, and they start to do it to get a rise out of you, or for the attention, or as a way of "getting back" at you when they're unhappy with you.

I went through this with DD1. We also went through something similar with my cousin's DD, who used to hold her breath when she was angry, until she fainted. I've found the best way to handle behaviors like this is to answer the underlying need by paying good healthy attention to the child when the child isn't engaging in these behaviors, but to refuse utterly to pay the self-destructive habit any attention.

First, I'd take a good look at baby's overall development, and maybe consult with a health care provider. Make sure baby doesn't have any underlying issues that might be leading to this behavior. Take a look at your overall parenting-- are there plenty of structured routines in place to help baby behave? Is baby getting enough sleep, offered feeding often enough, give enough one-on-one play attention and cuddles? (Which I assume of course you're already on top of, but I mention it just in case! )

Once you're confident that that's not it, I'd set up a safe place in the room you spend the most time in, something like a pack-and-play or a crib or something with soft sides. When he starts banging, I'd pick him up gently, or as gently as you can if he's flailing, and put him in that place, and tell him, if you need to bang your head, you do it in here. This is the safe place for head banging.

Then I'd sit down and pointedly do something else, and ignore him until he stops. I'd stay nearby. You don't want to freak him out that he's been left alone there. But be at a distance, and be very obviously unmoved by the whole head-banging performance. I liked to sit and read a magazine or fold laundry or write in a journal. That way DD would know I was there, and wouldn't feel abandoned, but would also get the idea that hurting herself wasn't getting her anywhere or gaining anything for her.

It's important that you stay really really calm, too, so that they get the idea that it's not an effective way of "getting back" at you when they're mad. Act like you totally don't care: be like, oh that's fine, you need to bang your head, okay go ahead and I'll come get you when you're done."

If you think of it as a performance, as drama, it can often help you to disengage enough to stay calm and reasonable. Seeing LOs hurt themselves on purpose can be really upsetting, so it's important to find some way of holding steady and keeping your center. And I wouldn't let fear of head-banging cause you to not gently correct baby's behavior when you otherwise would.

As upsetting as it is to watch, a healthy kid is not going to really honestly cause himself any actual harm by banging his head.

[momtokainoa]

My 2 year old tried it once and I chose to not respond to it. He got upset at me for taking something away and he started banging his head on the dining room table. I let him do it and he cried because he hurt himself. When he calmed down I explained to him that he caused the pain himself. He hasn't done it again since then. I agree that giving attention to them while they're doing it will only encourage the behavior later. Especially if you give them what they want. I know that it can be hard because the last thing you want to see is your child getting hurt, but in this case I feel that it pays to stand your ground, unless of course s/he is really hurting themselves.

Good luck

[Aletheia]

Thanks for the replies. I really will benefit from this information! I'll try to remember to come back to post how we are doing.

[AGF]

My baby was a mild mannered man who would hit his head on anything when he got maaaddd. Because I would react. Once I realized that he would not give himself anything more serious than an 'ouchie' I stopped reacting. If he cried because he hurt himself, I would console him. But I would not say 'don't hit your head', or 'No No! You will hurt yourself.' I let him do it and then consoled him.
And he stopped.

Good luck!

[Violet2]

My dd is a head banger and uses it to great effect when she is mad.

I now ignore it and give no attention especially now that she pauses to look at me like 'are you getting this?' Yeah, she hurts herself but it's completely in her control and nothing has dissuaded her.

I wonder if your 1yo would respond well to you verbalizing his feelings as a way to decrease his frustration. Sounds like he's got some strong emotions and no words for them. I actually think this is an important note that hasn't been mentioned yet. At 1 toddlers have pretty good physical control and very little verbal skills and they get very frustrated when they can't express themselves or feel like their needs are being ignored.

Also, we started working with DD on 'turns' when she was 1. She quickly figured out momma's turn and DD's turn and we've been able to use that well when we need her to wait.

V