DHs threat to call 911 & more of his unsupportiveness.. LONG.

[WindyCityMom]

The actual UC stuff is at the bottom, beginning is just background.

I'm kind of at a loss and kind of pissed.. mostly just very sad though, walking around with a knot in my stomach.

Yesterday, it went something like this with DH. Keep in mind that he's a bit birth phobic (or so I thought before hand..), and that he wasn't thrilled with my decision to UC. Now I find out that he NEVER TOOK ME SERIOUSLY. Anyways, here it goes.

"Hun, what's this package?" (from inhishands), "Oh, just birth stuff". "Oh, ok hon.".. And then a little while later that night he asks the same thing again, and I replied the same. He says, "You're still doing this thing at home?" I said, "yes", and he kind of scoffed at me and asked me how much is cost ($30ish), and told me that I needed to repay him the money because he doesn't want his hard earned money going towards something he doesn't approve of. I told him that I'm a SAHM, I don't work. He told me to sell something

So then later that night, we're going to bed. My husband has been great, but during pregnancy, he gets weird. He wasn't around much last pregnancy in part because of that and in part because I was 16-17yrs old and my father wasn't the nicest man you'd ever meet. DH tried to keep his distance for fear of not being able to see his child later. Anyhow, DH is laying in bed playing a car-racing game on his iPod touch. In that game, I guess you steer the car by turning the ipod like a steering wheel. I rolled over in bed, towards my side, because the light was bugging me. He got angry at me because "I moved the bed too much and dadadada". As you all know, being 8 months pregnant and turning over in bed is no piece of cake- forget about not moving the bed! I in turn got very offended. We had this whole, very quiet argument. No loud words, no tears, no shouting. Very strange.

During this argument, I mentioned his unhelpfulness during this pregnancy, how I just don't understand. He told me that I (me) just don't understand that he comes home from work very tired and can't help me. (Ok, seriously, buddy, is taking your plate to the sink or lifting your 30lber onto the changing table for me hard labor?). Then...


UCing came up. He told me that my pregnancy is stressing me (him) out, that he's fearing the end, and the closer it gets the more stressed out he gets about it because he is scared (he wasn't even talking in terms of UC). He goes t mention that he does not approve of our baby being born in this house. He says "I don't even want to be there". And THEN he changed his mind, and said, "As soon as you go into labor, I'm going to call the ambulance and have them take you to the emergency room."... I told him that even if I birth with my midwives at the hospital, they don't want me to come in until ctx are 3-5 mins apart (we live close). He told me that he'd LIE TO THE EMTs and tell them that my ctx were 3 minutes apart. What the ----?! He told me that he doesn't want an UC because "it stresses him out". and "WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO STRESS ME OUT?!". I told him that he should be more worried about stressing ME out (especially when I'm in labor) and risk the health of our child. Whatever, man.

I asked him why he was so adamant about having DD2 in the hospital. He told me because "it was natural". He wanted our baby born "naturally". I told him that I'd likely be getting a c-section if I have a long labor, if he stresses me out and interventions are needed because I'm not in my "zone", and he said, "that's fine, it's natural". This is my husband who fears C-Section and surgery more than ANYTHING!.

He told me that a "c-section" is natural because everyone does it. Even scheduled cesereans. Ugh. "Natural because every body does it". He knows DARN well what natural means. So, I go to mention to him "So, what about all of our other parenting choices? Our car seat safety choices. Our nutrition choices. Not everybody does that. We are part of the few. How about you just take the ---- car seat out of the car next time you put DD1 in there and let her ride in the front seat. And take her to McDonald's while you're at it." He replied, "No, that's my choice, to keep her safe." I told him "Exactly. This is MY CHOICE, I have total complete trust and faith in my body. My body was built to birth, that is what women were built for evolution-wise. I know my body, and I know that I can birth our child more effectively at home than I could at the hospital."

Anyways, my tummy is completely in a knot and I feel super stressed. I see my midwife today. We're oopsing this to her, but I'm going to voice some of my concerns about his supportiveness regardless. I'm doubting he's going to be very supportive even in a hospital. He slept (and snored) through all but the epidural and the pushing stage of my first birth.

I wonder what his reaction would be when I tell him I'm eating my placenta.

On a side-note, because I know I've thrown this around here and there in other posts, but we are 19 years old. When I get pregnant, he gets strangely immature- like that of a 15 year old at the worst. When I'm not pregnant, he is one of the most mature people I know. I don't get this.

Thank you everyone.. I just don't know what to do. Can anyone offer up some advice on what to do? How to deal with my pregnancy & birth phobic husband? It's almost like birth and pregnancy in general revolt him.

[Cuddlebaby]

hugs to you. I don't know what else to say. I think you sound way too stressed to uc imo. you said so more than once. as you know, birthing is so much more psychological....how far along are you? maybe get you and him into some counseling. I bet he doesn't know how much your stress plays into whether or not you have a smooth birth, regardless of location.

[NettleTea]

Is there any way that you can go to a friend's or relative's house to birth when you feel labor starting? I so would not be birthing anywhere around him as long as he is acting that way. I also would make sure he did not know when labor started. I think it is very unfortunate and sad to leave him out like that, but threatening to have you sent to the hospital once labor starts is not a safe (or healthy) environment for you, imo. As I'm sure you already know, you have to do what is best for your baby and you. And being hauled into the hospital at the first sign of labor for a "natural" c-section is anything but! :Puke

[WindyCityMom]

Thanks, I'm due at the very end of December, if it is anything like last pregnancy I'll go over into January.

I'm not sure if it is because this just hit him because it is a reality or what. I'm going to continue try to work with him nicely and sweetly while still preping for my UC.. I'm going to speak to a friend to assist anyhow. I'm not UPing, so I still have the option to birth with my midwives (at a hospital), if need be.

And you're right- I am stressed. He is the one stressing me out- I find it hard to eliminate my usually normal husband from my situation, kwim? If he were all around abusive or something of that nature, sure, he'd be long gone. In the years that I have known him, he is only stressed out by birth, pregnancy, etc. I think he might even be a bit traumatized from my last birth (as I am) as well, but refuses to admit it. I think birth itself scares him.. but it always has, even before I became pregnant with our first child. What really makes me wonder is that hospitals in general make him uneasy- he sometimes refuses to come with to my appointments, to bring DD, even to go to the doctor HIMSELF, and I'm totally okay with it (unless it's an emergency, of course), because I know that it's just how he is. I'm not the hospital lover either, obviously, but I wouldn't run into an institution that scares the crap out of me just because it's a norm.

[WindyCityMom]

Labor would be very easy to hide from him. Last night, in the car, I was having severe prodromal labor (felt like pitocin ctx nearing transition), and I sat in the back seat with my daughter so I had more room, and so that I could focus on her to get me through them. DH didn't even know about the ctx, other than the fact that I was timing them on his iPod (I'm only around 33wks). They stopped- but they really hurt. I honestly thought I was going to have to put a call into my midwife. He thought I was having my normal braxton hicks. I am just that good at managing my pain through breathing and relaxation.

I'm constantly on the birthing ball, constantly taking baths (I have hip pain issues and these help a ton). DH is also a heavy sleeper, and works very long hours. I think I'd have no problem hiding most of my labor from him. I'm planning on setting up everything in the bathroom and having it under the sink JIC anyhow.

I would be comfortable with solo birthing, but since it would be my first UC would like someone there. Even if it is just a close friend of mine, it would be fine IMO.

I think I'm going to continue trying to get him to come around.. I know for a fact that no one I know would let me birth in their homes, and the one that probably would is a heavy smoker. If I can get him more on board (like I said, I think the reality of this just hit him suddenly), I think that even if he left me be in there during labor and birth (or whenever he chooses), and lets me do this, then things will go much more smoothly.

If he continues this and still refuses to be "there" supportively (like I said, be it next to me or in the next room), then I'd likely be birthing in a hospital.. unless I happen to go into labor when he's not around. At which point I'd call the friend over. It's not like my midwives will let me in until ctx are 3-5 minutes apart anyways- they will seriously send you home otherwise and have told me that (and have witnessed it). Sure, you can stay if you'd like, but they will encourage you to go out and eat or walk around the park or sometihng of that nature to get things moving.

[organicpapayamama]

Im so sorry you have to go through this. I really cant offer any advice but I did want to touch on something... even if he were to call the ambulance no one can make you go to the hospital if you dont want to. I strongly believe your body your birth and they cannot force you in the ambulance and into the hospital its your choice to go. Even the hospital cannot keep you there once you are in, its your choice so your DH threat is pretty empty to me, unless Im missing something... seems like he just wants to intimidate you.

[chirp]

i also think that you are too stressed for UC. and although YOU are the one giving birth, this is your husband, and it is his child too. to not take his fear into account, or pass over it, is wrong.

i am glad you are going to try and win him over and not just try to uc behind his back.

if you don't mind me asking, how were your other two children birthed? hospital? midwife at home? ob?

perhaps a compromise here (change your midwife to a homebirth midwife, and don't oops her) would be best. with the least stress on both you and him. i'm not sure about you, but it would stress me out to be planning something so deceitful with my birth...especially if that deceit was towards my husband and the father of my children. and especially if i really did want him to be on board.

worrying that he could come home if i labored too long, and that he would call an ambulance instead of a midwife would be too much for me. i would try to find compromise.

[lia_joy]

I would focus on getting him to open up about what specifically he is afraid of and see if you can ease his mind through information or some form of compramise... Maybe he'd rather stay in another room? maybe having another friend there would ease his mind? maybe he thinks he'll be expected to play dr? maybe watching some UC birth videos would help (mine are on youtube and my DH's job was just to videotape)

I noticed alot of similarities in your story to my first birth, though in my case my 'partner' was just unsupportive all around (lies & alcohol abuse to name a few issues) and it took me some time to realize it and get out of a really bad situation.

I also was 19, my X said he 'got it' and was on board with the UC then I overheard him on the phone with his mom saying "don't worry, as soon as it starts to hurt i'm sure she'll go straight to the hospital. She just doesn't know what it'll be like." I was devestated, we had a huge fight, and I remember standing, heavily pregnant, after that fight, feeling so absolutely alone, and thinking if I just go back to planning the hospital birth (I was going to Ooops my OB) I'd have his support, my mom's support, his mom's support... maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. Is it really worth it? But my answer came immediately because I truely felt that if something bad happened as a result of going for the hospital birth I'd never forgive myself for not following my instincts to birth alone. That was a real epiphany, too cause that's most women's reason NOT to UC.
Anyway, I had my first baby Solo, as it turned out my x was passed out drunk on the couch. I would NEVER advise someone to make the choices I made because from the outside it just looks really messed up to even have a kid in that situation... I was a total teenage mom cliche and didnt even know it.
BUT... For me, in my heart of hearts I KNEW what was best for me and my son and the birth was amazing and empowering and that was something that really helped me start motherhood on the right foot and eventually get out of that relationship. And I'm forever greatful that my x was not a part of it. the birth belongs just to me and my son.

So, I wouldn't advise someone in your situation to UC But mainly because i feel it is such an intensely personal decision that one from the outside really cant accurately judge... all the levels of emotion and intricacies of relationships that only your heart really knows... I also wouldn't discourage it, because of my own exeriences.

I sincerely hope that you and your DH can communicate productively and come to a decision you are both ok with.

-Lia

[klemomma]

Personally, I wouldn't UC in this situation.

I think it very likely that your husband is scared of birth. That is okay. But the problem is coming in where he isn't ready to acknowledge that.

It is your body and your birth. But it is also your husband's child.

With my second child, I desparately wanted a home birth. Desparately. But DH wasn't on board. He was still pretty freaked out by birth and just couldn't handle the prospect of a home birth. We were also living with my Grandma at the time, which made him less comfortable with the thought of a HB.

After much discussion and debate, we both agreed that I would have the baby at the hospital with a great midwivery practice and that it would be a natural birth. Whenever we had another baby, if we had our own house, I could have my HB then.

The MW attended hospital birth was beautiful and wonderful. DH actually got to catch DS, which was really cool for all of us. We had discussed ahead of time what he could do to help me during an unmedicated labor and he was totally there with me during my labor, IFKWIM.

When I got pg with #3, we had a house. So DH knew right away I was going to be expecting my HB.

He grumbled a bit about having to shell out the money when the insurance would cover the hospital birth. I told him that he had already agreed to it and he relented at that point.

But as it turns out, the only HB MWs I had access to turned out to be a rather shady set of characters.

So, back to square one - another hospital birth... or a UC.

I turned quickly to the idea of UC, but DH certainly hadn't signed on for that! I did tons and tons of research and kept sharing it with him. I read of a mom who had convinced her DH by having him read Dr. White's Emergency Childbirth, especially the part where he says that (paraphrasing here) "any competent 8yo can handle assisting a mother through labor and delivery." That book pretty much did the trick with my DH too.

So, we had our wonderful, beautiful UC. Now, DH loves to tell anyone who will listen how he delivered DD himself. When I got pg this time, I started thinking/talking about birth options and he said, "Well, I just figured we'd do it UC again. That's really what I'd prefer."

My point with this whole long story is that it takes many women time and a variety of experiences to come to terms with the reality of birth, the safety of birth, and a sense of trust in birth. So, the same is certainly true for men, probably even a bit more so.

To me, UCing is first and foremost about bringing your baby into the world in the safest way for your family. But like everything in life, it is a compromise. There are no clear answers. UC is not the safest way for every baby to be born.

And your DH may just need time to adjust, get comfortable with birth, and mature. Perhaps a positive experience with a natural birth with a supportive care giver is what he needs to come around.

Is it somewhat stinky to have to modify what you are willing to accept in order to meet your DH on some middle ground? Sure. But he is your DH, and you clearly love him, and it seems that other than being pretty scared about birth, he is a good partner to you / father to your children.

You could change your mental focus to preparing for the best birth possible with your midwives. Get to know the hospital policies and the MW policies and make a plan to bring your baby safely into the world under those conditions. Then, you could change your dialouge with DH to what he can do to help support you through an unmedicated birth. Let him know that is priority #1 and that you are willing to compromise with him so he will feel comfortable, but that you need to feel supported. I think it might make a significant change in his attitude.

And, either now or later, you could start the discussion about how important a HB will be to you next time. If he still isn't okay with a UC, then he will need to get on board for spending the $, because it is that important to you.

Despite the fact that I love UC, I do believe that you can bring your baby safely into the world in a hospital if you prepare. Are you up for a bit more of a fight? Most likely. But, it can definitely be done. And that has to be weighed in with the benefits of preserving and strengthening your relationship with your DH and your family bond.

Sorry so long, but hope my perspective has provided you with some points to consider.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

[WindyCityMom]

Thank you everyone, I do have a lot of points to consider.

My midwifery group is alright. Certainly not ideal. They most likely won't be on board with me not vaxing.. as a matter of fact, it doesn't seem as if they will be on board with anything I choose. I try to squeeze in a few questions at every appointment but some go unanswered and some questions seem like they're avoiding. Other times there is really no time to ask questions. And believe me I have put up the effort. The nurse sits and talks with me for a long time, much longer than the midwives do. I have yet to touch on so many subjects with them. I have a clear concise hospital birth plan written up and we haven't even touched on that- even with the weeks counting down to the birth.

I also found out that effective November 3rd- April 2010, they've adapted a new policy because of H1N1. The only person allowed on labor and delivery floors is the spouse/significant other. If they so much as sneeze or cough they're out. You have to get special written consent for even a doula and even that is iffy. Same for pediatrics and mom-baby units, no siblings, only mom and dad. No one else, and if you're sick, you're out. I also overheard a midwife saying that any moms who have flu like sxs at the time of birth will be quarrantined- same goes for baby.

As for my first birth, she was a horrible mainstream hospital birth, pitocin induced at 41w2d. I had a 14 hour labor and I think they were about to call it quits on me, though I'll never be sure about that. This birth traumatized me, and it took a toll on my husband as well.

When he left for work in the morning he didn't lean over to my side of the bed and kiss me goodbye as usual, I could sense his discomfort, didn't force him to come and say goodbye, though he did send me a kiss from the doorway. He and I have been on and off of the phone today about unrelated things, but I'm thinking that he's loosening up a bit. It's very strange for us to have phone calls during his work hours, so I sort of think it's his way of coming around a bit, but I won't know for sure until he gets home. Actually, in the middle of typing that sentence, he called to see how I was feeling. Mr. Pregnancy phobia usually lets me tell him how I'm feeling, so like I said, I think he's having a slight change of heart.

[WindyCityMom]

Oh, and liajoy- I've seen both of your birth videos on YT, I am truly inspired by them also Thank you so much for your response though, that was very helpful

organicpapayamama- I know that no one can force me, but I don't want CPS involved.. kwim?

On a side note, I got my birth kit stuff all together and put it in a clear rubbermaid box. Complete with a cute diaper for the baby and the little hat and outfit for when we get her dressed. Maybe that will open his eyes more.

I think what may have freaked him out was that the box from in his hands contained chux pads, sterile cord clamps, peri bottle... very medical looking items, you know? Maybe you all were right and he thinks I'm expecting him to play doctor or something. I don't know if that did it for him, but that just dawned on me. Of course I don't want him to play doctor If he prefers to be in another room that's a-ok with me as well.

[BanditaMamacita]

aww, hun, i'm so sorry you're going through this! These decisions are hard enough without having to fight about it with the person who you want to feel like you're in it together with. Have you considered transferring care to another midwifery practice that's more natural childbirth friendly? Maybe even one that works with a birth center? That could be a great compromise for you guys. Even switching to another practice in a different hospital that would allow for a doula would be a big help. It's very possible to have a natural birth in a hospital, but it takes strength in your convictions and definitely support (thus, the doula or mw if dh isn't as supportive as you'd like.) It may be a bit more of a fight in a hosptial, but it sounds like you're in for a fight at home too, kwim?

It also sounds like your dh is a bit uneducated about childbirth (i mean, a natural csec? really? lol) so maybe a lil information would be a good place to start. maybe if he better understood the risks of c-section, pitocin, fetal monitoring, epidural, etc, he might at least understand why its so important to you to avoid those things.

Good luck, hun, and please, lemme know if u ever need to talk!

[Serenyd]

My DP wasn't on board for my first UC either. He tends to act a little immature when I'm pregnant as well. I didn't let it stop me and he eventually came around. He was on board for this last birth but I ended up letting him sleep through the actual labor and birth (it was late at night to early am).

If you had an epidural the first time, you may be suprised by the sensations you feel during your second birth. It was kind of scary for me, almost like I had never given birth before. It kind of felt like to me the baby was trying to come out my butt. No one was able to prepare me for that.

Having another support person there might be a good idea if you don't think your DH will support you. I wasn't comfortable with having a doula there, but I did find one who was willing to give telephone support. She was also an apprentice midwife, and we ended up calling her w/ my first UC birth and she gave me some good advice that helped me get through a tough spot in my labor.

Good luck with your decision and your birth. Let us know how it works out.

[WindyCityMom]

Thanks

Serenyd- thank you With my daughter, I got my epidural when I was nearing transition- they kind of "tricked" me into it, discouraged me that I couldn't do it, etc. I too felt the "baby coming out of my butt" sensation- very strange. I also really went through a bit of my transition feeling it since the epi didn't take effect and didn't stay in effect.. transition was pretty much over when they shot me up with lidocaine when I was about to push.

Bandita- I know what you mean (natural ceserean.. lol), but I think he was just bluttering things out in the moment. He is terrified of cesereans! Utterly, purely, terrified. You're right though, I do need to educate him more on the risks of some things. He's just that birth-phobic and seems like he can't even listen- he does try, but alot of the time he gets kind of antsy and uncomfortable.

[lovestolearn]

Have you ever tried EFT (acupressure tapping)? It could help you both relax. PM me if you want more info!

[Kidzaplenty]

I hope he comes around all the way. It is likely that he just needs you to talk to him, and especially to explain to him what you are expecting from him.

Hopefully he is able to relax and think beyond his fears. For many fathers, fears are overcome by learning what to expect. There will still, likely, be aprehension when the moment arrives, but if you both can stay calm things tend to flow naturally.

I hope you get the birth you really want.

[MsBlack]

You have some time to get dh involved, informed, and calmed down. Use that time for these purposes! But in your place, I would not be counting on him for a UC supporter--I would be trying to reach/teach/calm him, yes, only WHILE I was thinking about who else might be a good candidate for helping me to UC.

In my world, men don't get to the decisive vote on how I birth. They do get my support and so forth, for being comfortable with my decisions about birth....but I would not allow anyone near me during birth that I did not absolutely trust to be supportive and calm.

From what you've written so far, it sure looks to me like you (right now) have a far better chance of a good birth if you keep with the mw-plan now in place. It sure looks to me like your UC plans are not going to go well at all. But people can learn, and get past difficult feelings, and all that--so I'm not saying you should give up. I definitely am saying that I hope you will be realistic about your situation, and about your dh, and not continue to push forward with UC plans-- unless he either makes some pretty dramatic changes of attitude through his own real work to become prepared for UC, or you find someone else to support you through birth. At this point, he sounds like a danger to you more than anything else. He has to want to do this, you can't make him be more mature for you....especially not this late in the game, when the deadline approaches fast and the pressure is really on.

Perhaps UC is something to work toward for your next birth, giving you both plenty of time to prepare.

[MrsAngelic]

Sorry to hear you are in this tough situation. Something that helped my DH was the Bradley Birth Class we took. They explain a lot about what's going on with your body during pregnancy and birth, talk of the husband as a "coach", and suggesting specific things he can do to help. They're mostly about how to go drug-free in a hospital setting, but it still might help him calm down and since the information isn't coming from you he might be less defensive about it. Since you research it's probably stuff you already know, but they do focus on how birth is natural and usually needs no interventions so it's compatible with a UC, in my opinion.

[MrsAngelic]

Just realized you are due in December too. And while there are Bradley teachers that are willing to do crash courses I don't know if you'll be able to find one. The book by doc Bradley is pretty good too though: Husband-Coached Childbirth.

[gossamerwindweb]

I don't know what to say, and don't have any advice. My husband was completely supportive of UC. He even told me "I have faith in you" at the end when I felt maybe I should got to the hospital. I can't imagine having a husband that isn't supportive. So I am just sending you