marriage and religion

[Summertime Mommy]

If you had very strong religious beliefs that were getting stronger as you aged and your dh told you that he was basically atheist and had a strong Marxist view of religion (basically, religion is a tool used by those in power to keep the masses subordinate), would you be able to stay with him? Would there be terms, conditions? What would you do?

[LionTigerBear]

Would you be able to stay with him?

Hmmm, interesting question.

I would say yes . . . IF . . . that belief of his didn't translate to him treating me and my beliefs disrespectfully. Which I think might be unlikely. But if he was directly disrespectful to me about my beliefs, then we would need to work on that, and if our relationship didn't then improve, then yes, at that point that might be the end of it.

But if he could disagree with me and yet still act loving and respectful of me, then we'd be fine.

[MommaKitten21]

My partner and I are on two different religious beliefs, and we are getting married next week!

He attends church (christian) with myself and the kids, and then in return, the kids listen to his beliefs when it comes up (he prefers the UU church) There have been times I am frustrated that we attend two churches, with such different beliefs, and that sometimes I am just confused.... I feel like as long as there is love and acceptance in our house, we are showing our children how to be tolerant of others. Also, if we have eight kids (like I want to have) I feel if they choose a variety of religions, then I have done my job as a parent.

As far as my relationship with my partner, we have never had any fundamental big issues with the shared religion in the house. We stay respectful, and we belief our kids will cherish this is the future.

[SeekingJoy]

I would, but I think it depends on how conflicts are typically negotiated. Can you both be respectful of each other's differences without having to be "right"? Can you agree to disagree without withdrawing emotionally?

[philomom]

Did he change after you were married? Because my hubby and I had a very long talk about this shortly before our wedding and we would consider the change to be a "breach of contract" between us. Now, this does not mean automatic divorce but as an agnostic with pagan leanings... I do not want any pressure on myself or my children to join a church group or temple. None.

[redveg]

This is a great question. I was brought up in a family on two different paths. At times it was hard, not because of my parents but the other family members on either side. My father is/was Roman Catholic, my mother Jewish. I was raised Jewish, and am now Pagan. My parents were open and allowed all of us kids to explore and get to know many faiths. Grandparents, not so happy. I am married to a man who was raised Christian, but is also willing to explore other faiths. I think if both people are accepting of the others views, and realize that everyone changes, people grow, not one person is who they were 5, 10 years ago. If you have a strong enough relationship to support each others growth it can work. My DH and I talk and listen to each other. We sometimes are on different sides, but in the long run we agree on the issues that are truely important to us. I have grown and changed my views/beliefs in the 20 years we have been together. Neither myself or my DH is the same person we were 20 yrs ago, but we are still open, willing to debate, and grow.

[lilyka]

So long as I was allowed to raise my children in my faith and express my faith freely. But then I put up with a lot in marriage.

[cappuccinosmom]

My faith, which I believe in strongly, tells me that if I find myself married to an unbeliever (presuming, I suppose, that I had married him before coming to the faith or believing in it strongly, or that he had lost his faith), I am to remain with him as long as he is willing to remain with me. And that I am to represent my faith (represent Christ, really) by being a loving, peaceful, faithful spouse.

If he was belligerant, or even abusive about it, that would certainly make it harder. If I needed to get away from abuse, I would separate, but initiating divorce would probably be last on my list of options.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by Summertime Mommy

If you had very strong religious beliefs that were getting stronger as you aged and your dh told you that he was basically atheist and had a strong Marxist view of religion (basically, religion is a tool used by those in power to keep the masses subordinate), would you be able to stay with him? Would there be terms, conditions? What would you do?

I am religious and I actually agree with the bolded.

And yes I would. But things have changed a bit for us and for ourselves. I have really come to a different understanding of religion in the past few weeks/months and pretty much it in itself just isn't important to me anymore. Beliefs yes but beliefs are one's own and I can't dictate my husband's or his mine. No one has the same beliefs 100%.

[theretohere]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

My faith, which I believe in strongly, tells me that if I find myself married to an unbeliever (presuming, I suppose, that I had married him before coming to the faith or believing in it strongly, or that he had lost his faith), I am to remain with him as long as he is willing to remain with me. And that I am to represent my faith (represent Christ, really) by being a loving, peaceful, faithful spouse.

If he was belligerant, or even abusive about it, that would certainly make it harder. If I needed to get away from abuse, I would separate, but initiating divorce would probably be last on my list of options.

:

[Summertime Mommy]

Would it make a difference if your faith had a rule that said women should not be married to nonbelievers?

[Teenytoona]

Originally Posted by Summertime Mommy

Would it make a difference if your faith had a rule that said women should not be married to nonbelievers?

That rule would make me more suspect of the religion.

[Summertime Mommy]

Originally Posted by Teenytoona

That rule would make me more suspect of the religion.

The reason for this rule is that women are expected to pass down their faith to their children, if they are married to a nonbeliever, they may not be able to do it, if the husband is not open-minded, and since women are held accountable for teaching their kids about religion, it is simply better for them to also be married to a believer.

I am Muslim. He used to be Christian, at that point it was iffy on whether or not we should have been together, but since I was Christian when we married, I didn't feel I had the right to do anything about it. Now I really feel like this is a huge theological dilemna, even if I were still Christian, this would be a problem for me because God is such a major thing in my life.

[LionTigerBear]

Well, if you are supposed to teach your children your religion, is he okay with that? If not, what does your religion dictate you should do in that situation? What does your religious leader have to say about it? And do you agree with your religion on this point? Is it more important to you for your children to have their father in the home and you two together, or is it more important to raise them in your religion? Just some questions to ask yourself, I guess. Sorry you are in this difficult situation.

[LionTigerBear]

P.S. FWIW, I, myself, would not divorce over that, but then, I am not Muslim. I am coming from a background of having a few-times-a-year-visit dad, and a cold stepfather in the house. It was hard. Also, I was raised pagan, and even though I am Christian now, I think I turned out okay. It is important for my kids to have a strong relationship with their father and I'm so grateful that they do.

[Summertime Mommy]

I'm not so much worried about what a religious leader might think, just my own personal convictions. I have quire literally devoted my life to religion and the study of religion and its impacts on society and his personal views are completely opposite of all that I hold important. (Does that make sense?)

I think there are other issues outside the religion thing that may be playing a larger factor in my overall concern as well, but either way I would love to hear more responses.

[JenBuckyfan]

I also wonder if you knew about this before marrying your DH. Sharing my faith (Christian) was one of the top criteria I had in finding a lifelong partner. I met my DH in college where I was attending church and he wasn't, in fact, had no interest in it. He (out of sheer niceness) would go to church with me (he was raised Catholic and I Lutheran, so not necessarily all that different in many ways) and he really liked one of the pastors there (who'd discuss the interconnection between science and religion). Since then, he's been by my side the whole time and even found the church we attend now since he moved to this area before I could move out here. If he would have not been willing to become a member of a Lutheran church but belong to another Christian church, I 'think' (I have always wanted to raise my children within the denomination I grew up with) I could have lived with that but it would have been difficult. If he told me he didn't believe in the whole religion thing, I don't think I could have stayed with him, simply because it's where I feel the core of my being developed and shaped me into who I am. I'm happy I didn't have to deal with that option!

That said, DH's parents have very different viewpoints. MIL is a very strong devout catholic and FIL is very agnostic. She married him knowing what his beliefs were. I think she has a problem with it, but it's not high enough on her priority list to have ever made a difference. She has never tried to change him, in fact (and good or bad), I think the topic of religion is completely mum between them. DH will talk with each of them about it, being very sensitive to not be preachy, just very open and honest about how he feels about religion. FIL was supportive of MIL raising DH and SIL in the Catholic faith, he simply didn't participate in any of it and let MIL do what she wanted. I think he attended Christmas services now and then as a family event more than a religious service but that's it.

One more example... SIL was very religious and slowly she started questioning the theology she was brought up on, coupled with being in medical school, she has turned like FIL to agnostic. She just married a man who was raised Jewish but is not practicing. Religion plays no part in their lives and played no role in their wedding. I don't think either one gives a rip for the most part (though I think his parents and my MIL hope that will change down the road). When they have kids, my assumption is that if one of them wants to raise them a certain way, the other will go along with it if it's important to the other.

So, I think in the end, it depends on how you feel. As others have asked, is he respectful of what you believe? If he puts your faith down whenever it comes up, that would be an issue for me - he'd simply have to stop. Can you stay with someone who's beliefs are the opposite of yours? Are his values and morals what you want in a spouse? I do believe that so many who don't believe in God are good and moral people - if your husband is only lacking the connection with religion and God, but is generally a wonderful person, does that matter to you and how much? How important is it that you share your faith with your DH?

If you have children and you want to raise them with your faith beliefs, is he ok with that? Will he support your children growing in faith? He doesn't have to agree with anything, but what will happen if your children share what they are learning with him? If they ask him about why he doesn't participate he should definitely answer truthfully and it can be used as a great family discussion.

Finally, is this an aspect of your relationship you can both work on? It may not be easy for you to have a non-believing spouse, and it may not be easy for him having a believing wife. If you both really love each other, I do think that it's possible to stay together. His questions and debates about faith could very well make your faith stronger, nothing wrong with that!

[Magelet]

I'm also quite religious, and my partner (future husband) is atheist, anti-religion (somewhat) and believes that religion is something that humans will evolve past and are in the process of evolving past.

We have some agreements, like that the kids will be raised jewish (my faith) however, there will be no dissing of other faiths, and should our children choose to be atheists and not practice judaism, at a suitably mature age, that will be supported by both of us. That is to say, a 4 year old saying he/she doesn't want to be jewish or celebrate x holiday or go to synagogue, isn't old enough to choose. at 13, 14, 15, we will both respect their ability to choose for themselves, both choosing a religion, and choosing no religion.

Also, certain jewish things are "family activities" such as shabbat. Honestly, these have become beloved rituals that the two of us enjoy together at home, lighting candles, eating a nice meal, blessing eachother. If I want to go to shabbat services, I go alone, which suits me fine. (unless I was leading services, I'm sure he'd come, just as he'd come to a choir concert or something). Sometimes he comes on holidays, particularly if services are very late at night and I expect them to be crowded. (then he's more umm bodyguard than participant. My shul isn't in the greatest part of town...)

Has it ever caused friction? Yes. But mostly when we are jonesing for a fight, or super crabby. (along the lines of "i don't see why you need to beleive in g-d." "well you are just so clearly untuned to the universe and miracles and how can you possibly not beleive in g-d you must not be paying attention" sort of thing) If we are respectful of eachother, it doesn't cause too many issues.

Does my religion say that I cannot marry a non-jew? Yes. Do I agree with that? no. (I actually beleive that that rabbinic law is poppycock, and that the bible does not support it, because the matriarchs of our religions were outsiders, until they married their men (and evidence suggusts they that they continued to practice their pagan religion afterwards.) I may not be a biblical scholar, and then, honestly, I don't follow every rabbinic law, so whichever. I try my best to follow jewish law, and this is one I can't follow. I feel that if G-d didn't approve of me being with DP, then he would not have had us meet, since it was so incredibly unlikely we met the way we did.
I won't be able to have my rabbi officiate at our wedding, because conservative rabbis won't marry interfaith couples. There will be other religious things we/I can't do because of it. I love him though, and its worth it to me. Being with him is as much a facet of who I am as my religion is, perhaps even more.

I do suspect there will be some pressure and disappointment from my future in-laws that the kids won't be raised catholic (future mil's religion), and I suspect that even though she knows I'm jewish and has heard our wedding won't be catholic, hasn't quite thought of or reconcilled to the idea that her grandbabies will definitely not be baptised. Still, everyone has issues with their MIL of some sort, and its best to get along how you can, despite them.

I'd say it comes down to this: Can you peacefully respect each others religious life and beleifs and convictions? What is the effect on the children either way? Do you need his participation in your religion? Does he need your participation in non-religion? If it doesn't cause any friction, then I see no reason for it to cause problems and necessitate separation. It might be a rough spot, and every relationship has those, things you have to work harder about.

[delicate_sunshine]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

My faith, which I believe in strongly, tells me that if I find myself married to an unbeliever (presuming, I suppose, that I had married him before coming to the faith or believing in it strongly, or that he had lost his faith), I am to remain with him as long as he is willing to remain with me. And that I am to represent my faith (represent Christ, really) by being a loving, peaceful, faithful spouse.

If he was belligerant, or even abusive about it, that would certainly make it harder. If I needed to get away from abuse, I would separate, but initiating divorce would probably be last on my list of options.

[SarahsMom08]

As a muslim, I believe the common view is that since you converted after marriage you are not required to divorce. Although, that option is open to you if you so choose. So, it's really up to you and your DH. You should probably talk to others who are in your position to find out how to make it work, which I suppose this thread is about .