would anyone NOT recommend a doula?

[crazyrunningmama]

I was just thinking, I'm always raving about how great doulas are and how much they can help avoid medications, interventions etc. Just wondering if anyone had a doula with a previous pregnancy and felt they were unhelpful?

[Doberbrat]

well I was thinking of getting a doula this time around but the hosp just instituted a policy of ONE support person only due to h1n1 since I'm not about to kick dh out over a stranger, the doula idea is out

so check your hosp policy first.

[busymama77]

I couldn't imagine having anyone else there to support me besides my DH. But that's a personal preference for everyone, I guess. And yes, that makes sense to check your hospitals' policies. You never know!!

[sanguine_speed]

I suppose there could be bad doula experiences, but I can't imagine an overall sentiment that doulas are a bad thing.
I had a doula with my third birth and will definitely have one this time too.
I found having another person around very important as I tend to play caregiver and worrier and I know my partner found my previous births very overwhelming--I see a doula as important for us both. I remember my second birth I kept asking DP if HE was okay, lol.

[MamatoA]

It depends on you and your partner, if any. And the personality of the doula.

I was planning on hiring a doula and asked my MW for recomendations. Her answer really gave me pause. She said that in her experience, the doula can come between the mom and partner and close the partner out. My DH is quiet, shy guy and I could see him being outside of the birthing process if I had another person in the room. In the end, I interviewed some doulas and asked them pointblank what they thought about this and how they worked to include/support DH. Some had good ideas, some had never considered it before. We decided not to hire a doula and my DH was AWESOME at the birth. No regrets. Just my experience. I'm not anti-doula at all; we just decided not to have one.

[Veritaserum]

I've had three births with doulas and two without. Dh and I both prefer having a doula. He's not comfortable shouldering the responsibility of primary labor support. He's there and he does do helpful things, but he can relax more knowing that if he's not thinking of exactly what I might want/need it's likely that the doula will.

I think the midwife's comments about doulas coming between couples is a little odd. I think it really depends on the couple. Having a doula helps us both relax and enjoy the birth more.

[philomom]

I don't like them. A well trained and loving hubby can do everything that a doula does.

Also, I've been to two births in which the doula "messed with" that loving couple energy. So sad.

My own births were awesome. Just my hubby and my beloved cnm. My hubby was so supportive and did everything I needed.

[xixstar]

my husband is my primary support person, but I'm also very high needs and assumed I would be in labor too. I hired a doula to support DH so he could better support me -- it was the best thing we did for my labor.

I love my doula and she totally rocks, but I never once felt that she was my primary support person because it was all about getting attention from dh. She gave him breaks when needed (or mostly distracted me when he was gone) and really just helped out in very peripheral ways -- which was exactly what we wanted.

I don't think a doula has to fill the role of mom's support person, they're very helpful supporting our partners too.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by Veritaserum

I think the midwife's comments about doulas coming between couples is a little odd.

I don't think it is odd; I understand what she means. Not that she'd TRY to come between the couple - but that it could easily happen if the mom is really needing a lot of support and/or the dad is nervous or underprepared.

I don't think doulas are bad. I think they could be wonderful for single moms or moms with a deployed dp or something like that. But - IMO - there is no bonding like what happens when your dp is your only support person. I think (I HOPE) most men will live up to the expectation and needs of the laboring woman - if the doula isn't there to take over. Not that she would TRY to, but it would be pretty easy for a (first time especially) dad to think "she knows better than I do; I'll just step back and let her do it".

[clicksab]

I find this thread very interesting!

I did not have a doula for my first birth because I felt that I didn't want anyone else but DH around. However...I did not have a normal labor and birth. And you know, my DH was amazingly knowledgeable, very supportive, and was pretty much all that I could hope him to be. BUT, there were still things that he couldn't do for me and he was absolutely in need of some support for himself! I was ridiculously clingy and wouldn't even let the poor man pee or give him a break from pressing into my back. We really needed someone else there that I trusted.

So I see the doula as a support for the both of us...and I made sure to hire accordingly. I literally asked every doula we interviewed how they would feel if DH or myself asked them to leave because we needed to be alone. The doula we hired I loved because she was the one who, on her own, asked me lots of questions about my DH and his involvement. She knows that this is all about US.

[calpurnia]

i didn't have a doula partly because i knew that dp & two midwives would be there & we have a small flat! an extra person would have been such a squeeze. my midwives were very supportive when dp needed to take a break, & were great mediators when we ended up a hospital transfer.

[HollyRhea]

There are as many kinds of doulas as there are women doing it. I've been a doula for three years and have supported a lot of couples with very different dynamics. I always tell them in the initial interview that it's important that the husband is the primary support, as much as he is comfortable. My role is to enhance the experience for both of them because they are BOTH having this baby. If a couple is laboring together in the shower or is doing wonderfully together, I leave the room - accessible but out of the way. And I try very hard to be sensitive to the dynamic between them. If I feel that the husband is stepping back, I rub his back and bring him back to her or subtly suggest a way he can help if he seems lost. I also encourage husbands to go to the baby if the baby's at the warmer - so often they feel like they don't have that permission to be fully involved. Of course not every husband feels this way, and not every couple wants a doula present. I don't think I'm the right fit for every woman and some women really will labor best without an extra person's presence. It's so individual, and I think if you have a sense that the doula isn't necessary for you, she isn't.

I'm also quite biased because the doula we hired for my first baby didn't arrive until I was pushing. My husband and I labored at home for 18 hours (alone) and that experience was like cement for our relationship. It gave me confidence that we could share in the parenting and that I could trust him fully (I had my doubts, we married soon after we discovered we were pregnant).

I also chose not to hire a doula for my second labor. I had a feeling that it wouldn't be necessary, even though I believe in my profession and know that the right doula can be a vital asset to a long labor. I was right, though. My second labor was so fast even the midwives missed it. So in my first labor my husband was my doula, in the second he was the midwife.

HOWEVER! This is my third baby coming in March, and I've enlisted the help of one of the most experienced doulas I know. I would really like to experience that female support this time, and third babies can be wild cards. Who knows what this labor will be like. We're also having a homebirth and man, it can get messy. Doulas are good for that sort of thing, too. My role at homebirths often turns into cook/laundress/babysitter/housekeeper.

So even if a doula isn't what you want now, you may feel differently later or vice-versa.

[nina_yyc]

I can't remember where I read this (maybe A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth? Birthing from Within?) but a significant portion of men do not fully take on the role of support person/labor coach.

We should all be so blessed to have the perfect partner and the perfect relationship and a manageable labor, but it really isn't realistic to assume this will happen for everyone.

I had a 48+ hour labor ending in c-section. I really don't think it's fair to expect your partner to support you for that long with no breaks, then turn around and help you out with the first few days of newborn life. If you're in doubt, be prepared.

[HisBeautifulWife]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

I had a 48+ hour labor ending in c-section. I really don't think it's fair to expect your partner to support you for that long with no breaks, then turn around and help you out with the first few days of newborn life. If you're in doubt, be prepared.

Why not? If you have to go through it with no breaks what makes them exempt?

[crunchy_mama]

I had one w/ number #1 and she was fine and dandy, but I didn't w/ #2 and will not with #3 as well. I think it does depend on your personality and the relationship between you and your dh. But I certainly don't see it as a necessity for a natural birth. For me I like more privacy and there is no way that a doula could anyway replicate that wonderful support that dh provided me and I really don't want someone else in our space in such an intimate thing. It was a wonderful bonding experience and I can see that having someone else there could get in the way of that because my trust and feelings towards him and his towards me are just entirely different. Dh always knows exactly what I need or can figure it out- even if I am in my labor zone(which for me means I don't talk)- he is the best cheerleader and can be papa bear when needed.

[wrappedupmama]

I'm a volunteer doula, currently taking a break since I just had my own baby recently. I decided against having a doula for myself. I don't like touched or "comforted" when in pain. A lot of what most doulas have been trained to do, and would encourage my husband to do, would be of little use and actually make me upset. I'm also a very private person and don't want many people around (I UCed my second, almost did my first child and regret not doing it the first time around). However, I now in a way wish I did have my doula friend present at my birth to watch my DD. My husband did wonderful managing everything, but he was so busy between me and DD that he didn't probably enjoy the birth as much as he could have. If we have more children I may have someone around to help with my other kids next time. Though, I might not, we'll have to see. I really like my privacy in labor

[Mamabeakley]

I am a doula but I've never had a doula myself, and probably never will. DH is awesome labor support and we plan home births.

However, I would unilaterally recommend a doula to any woman/couple planning a hospital birth. When couples say "we want it to be just us" I gently point out that in the hospital it WON'T be: there will be at least 5 - 6 people in and out of the room none of whom will be primarily responsible for meeting either partner's emotional/physical/ mental support needs. I think I am often more useful to the partner than to the mama - because the partner is providing her support, I'm backup for the partner.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

I can't remember where I read this (maybe A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth? Birthing from Within?) but a significant portion of men do not fully take on the role of support person/labor coach.

You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?

[onlyboys]

Originally Posted by philomom

You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?

Yes, this is true. He *should* support his partner. Nevertheless, there are women who find themselves laboring with an unsupportive partner. Maybe they shouldn't be having a baby with this person, but they are, and they deserve support. A doula is perfect in this case.

For my births, I didn't have a doula but I also have a husband who is incredibly supportive.

[Sk8ermaiden]

My husband was all the support I could ever ask for with my labor. He was just amazing and the nurses/midwives (not to mention me, of course!) all loved him for it. I did not get to push my baby out, but I did labor to 10 and then push for 9 hours naturally and there is no way on earth I could have done it without him.

That said, my mom was also there. She provided him breaks (he was putting counterpressure on my back - poor guy's hands hurt for days. ), brought both of us drinks/snacks, and occasionally piped up to give us her opinion. She was invaluable too. Now, even though she was awesome outwardly, the fact that we had to transfer (non-emergency) really scared and shook her and I am not sure she will be at the next birth (HBAC).

If she is not there, we are having a doula, no two ways about it. I am sure I cold do it just DH and me, but a doula will just make it so much easier. And the doula I would pick is also a Bradley coach, so she is all about the mom/dad energy and just being peripheral support.

As for:

I really don't think it's fair to expect your partner to support you for that long with no breaks, then turn around and help you out with the first few days of newborn life. If you're in doubt, be prepared.

I kind of agree. I think we expect "good" or "involved" husbands to take care of wife and baby after birth and mom is just expected to rest. Dad has been through the wringer too. After my labor and then transfer and cesarean, we was twice as wiped as I was. He crashed for 13 hours as soon as we were in recovery, while I stayed up for another 8 hours and only slept in tiny spurts for the next 24 hours (and didn't really feel tired). I think I may still have gotten the benefits of all the hormones. He refused to take more than a couple seconds break during labor, but he sure could have used one!