or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Birth and Beyond › would anyone NOT recommend a doula?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

would anyone NOT recommend a doula? - Page 3

post #41 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by HisBeautifulWife View Post
Why not? If you have to go through it with no breaks what makes them exempt?
Because a support person can't help you or make decisions for you (sometimes they need to) if they are functioning on the same level as you are. Food, toilet breaks and sometimes naps are necessary for them even if you aren't getting them when you want them.

My husband worked a 10 hour day when my first daughter was born, and he has a very physical job. I went into the hospital in the middle of the night to give birth, and I don't hold it against him one bit that he fell asleep.
Granted, this time we hired a doula to help if a situation like that arises again.
post #42 of 72
We didn't hire a doula until baby #3 and it was the greatest birth! My DH was the most involved with that birth compared to the first 2. We took classes and prepared the first two times, but labor support just didn't come naturally to him. He pulled out his notes from class to read up on support while I was in labor, which just didn't cut it He tried his best, but was just overwhelmed at the power of labor. With #3 our doula greatly encouraged my husband which boosted his confidence and ability to support me. He was totally hands on and not reading notes She did not get in the way, and that is NOT the doula's role to take over for dad.

Now, that I'm a doula I tell couples that it is also my job to help support dad support mom. I am more than willing to step aside or out of the room to give them alone time, but ready to step in when I see dad get that "deer in headlights look." You never now how dad may respond to seeing his partner in pain and most dads have never seen birth which can be overhwhelming at times.
post #43 of 72
I always recommend them for hospital births but not for homebirths. I don't advise against them for homebirths or anything but it's more of a grey area to me and depends on the specific situation.

FWIW, my husband is a great support to me during labor but I find a doula is less for "support" and more for pain management techniques. Pain management was a full time job and having a doula there for that left dh open 100% to support me.
post #44 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veritaserum View Post
No one explained to me before we got married that my marital happiness depended upon his theretofore untested labor support ability.

I had a bad case of food poisoning while I dated my dh. He held my head and gave me sips of water and made sure I didn't pass out in the bathroom. I knew then I'd be safe with him no matter what I might face in this life.
post #45 of 72
I thought I wouldn't really want a doula and didn't think I want someone besides my husband at the birth so I didn't get one for my first birth. It seemed so expensive and I didn't quite get the purpose since I'm a private introverted person. Looking back I think I would of had a much better experience with a doula. My partner was supportive and knew my wishes but he didn't have the confidence or as much knowledge as a doula would have. A doula would of been a more confident voice to the way I was treated by the on call OB. I didn't realize how vulnerable I would be in labor. Normally I can stand up for my beliefs when need be but in labor you are in a very vulnerable position and my dh just didn't want to see me in pain.

My second birth went much smoother and even though I didn't even use the doula very long it was nice to have somone who stood up to the nurses and made my needs known or who could of stood up to a doctor reccomendation that was not needed. I also didn't realize the strong prescence a women has during labor. I think she helped my husband too and they both could were there for me at the very end when I needed them.

That said I would hate for my husband not to be at the birth of our children if I had to choose between the two. That would stink. I definately reccomend doulas for hospital births because you want a supportive team. It makes all the difference in a experience.
post #46 of 72
For my first two births (both hospital, one induced), I did not have a doula and should have. Both times, I hit transition and asked for an epidural. With DS, I got the epi 12 minutes before he was born; with DD, the anesthesiologist came in just as I started pushing (thank goodness!). Even though I thought I knew a lot about comfort measures, positioning, etc., and had told DH what I thought I would need in labor, I mostly just glared at him when he suggested I change positions (after all, what does HE know about labor?). I did not believe him when he tried to encourage me. I should have had someone there who knew about labor and birth and was supportive of natural birth. The nurses were all too happy to run for the drugs even when I was 9 cm, and DH wasn't about to stand between me and pain relief.

Now I'm a doula and midwife's assistant myself, and believe doulas are highly beneficial for first births (when neither of you know how you will react to labor) and hospital births (where help with decision-making, mediation with HCPs, and protecting your privacy can be necessary).

I agree that a good doula will talk to you a lot about the husband/partner's planned role at the birth. At a recent birth, the father had a fear of being "grandmothered"/condescended to and really wanted to be the primary support person for his wife. I made sure I talked with him as an equal, asked for his input, and was careful to stay on the periphery of things, only stepping in when it looked like they might need a new suggestion or when he needed a break. He was the physical support: holding her hand, letting her lean on him, rubbing her shoulders, just being there. I was the verbal support: encouraging her, answering questions, and making sure her wishes were communicated to the medical staff. At this birth, both roles were necessary, and could not both be done by the husband.
post #47 of 72
I think my Dh needs the doula more than I do. We didn't have one at w/ dd and next time I either want to hire one or have my sister act as my doula. My DH is a wonderful, loving, supportive man. He just has trouble asking questions and offering alternatives when a dr even gently makes a suggestion. He gets overwhelmed, especially when I'm in pain. Add in the crazy instructors I was unfortunate enough to find for our Bradley class who made dh totally insecure, uncomfortable and resentful about the whole process and DH just isn't equipped to deal with being every single thing I need in labor. He was great about physically supporting me w/ massage, getting pillows and water etc, and distracting me, calming me down, and making me laugh. I just need someone educated about natural birth to support both of us and help us navigate past unnecessary interventions.


ETA not condeming Bradley at all, just those particular instructors w/ my next pregnancy I'll take another Bradley with other instructors.

Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
I don't like them. A well trained and loving hubby can do everything that a doula does.

Also, I've been to two births in which the doula "messed with" that loving couple energy. So sad.

My own births were awesome. Just my hubby and my beloved cnm. My hubby was so supportive and did everything I needed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?
I'm glad that you had such a good experience with your dh during your labors. It's neat that his personality fits so well with what you need during that time. I think it's sad that you so handily dismiss so many good husbands and fathers just because they aren't perfectly equipped to be exactly every single thing their wives need while giving birth.

To suggest that because my dh wasn't the best labor support person that I shouldn't have considered having kids with him is incredibly condescending to both he and I.
post #48 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by KristyDi View Post
I think it's sad that you so handily dismiss so many good husbands and fathers just because they aren't perfectly equipped to be exactly every single thing their wives need while giving birth.
You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and he can't be your best labor support? Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.
post #49 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and he can't be your best labor support? Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.
WOW, just wow.
Your husband must be Mr Perfect! I hope he is as good a provider, father, lover, confidant, and all around person to be put on such a high pedestal next to yourself. Saying that men need to be everything for you at all times seems a little much to me.
Doulas are not always necessary but isn't it nice when the dad can spend time with the kids while mom is in labor? If mom wanted someone to rub her back, while dad is setting up the birth pool that makes him a bad father? Does that too make the mom a bad person because she wants a woman next to her?
A father reading to his child before bed time while mom labors alone unhindered sounds like a wonderful thing to me. A doula can be a wonderful too. Perhaps she has had her own children and KNOWS exactly how it feels to be in labor for 30 hours.
A husband may be educated about birth, but a vague idea of what it truly feels like may not count for much when they are trying to comfort you. Sometimes a woman just knows best and vice versa. And sometimes a woman doesn't need anyone. Ultimately it is a dance between our bodies and the babies making their way earthside. However we choose to do things, a woman should never be made to feel looked down upon because of their partners, no matter what you think.

Next time you should think how painful your words are when written before posting them for the world to see. You should be ashamed that you said something so hurtful to a mother and a father.
post #50 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and he can't be your best labor support? Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.
I still find this idea nonsensical. If I were to make a list of all the qualities my ideal husband would have, "ability to be my sole support while I'm in labor" would be pretty low on the list. I get that you believe this is an indicator of a man's ability to be caring and supportive in general. However, labor is a rare (for most people) event that can require a type of support that is different from most other life events. If you find that the support you need (or think you'll need) and the support your husband can provide do not match up, it is in everyone's best interest to hire a doula.

(I agree with you about the cheerleading, though.)
post #51 of 72
No time to read all responses. I had a doula with my first. I prefer to be alone and labor on my own. I read my body changes and really don't like anything hands on. I did not use my doula and have not had one for my other three (no plans to have one for my next one, #4, #5 were/are VBACs). It is just me and the way I labor.
post #52 of 72
*coming out of lurkdom*

I mean, is it POSSIBLE to have a doula to be a back-up? Like, not there, but on-call while you labor should my husband and I need them?

My husband and I go back and forth on this and I'm not even pregnant. He feels its insulting to a hired to doula to do what he feels is "his job". I feel like a doula would be there to take care of BOTH of us (you know, should he need to pee, eat, sleep, plus he has a bad back and if get into that "hang on his shoulders" thing, with his bad back, that would last all of 5 mins and i'd be left trying to cope lol).

It seems like the most sensical, middle-of-the-road solution would be to just hire a doula to be on stand-by status. Has anyone ever done that?
post #53 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and he can't be your best labor support? Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.
The way I interpret this is that she is saying what is best for her, not what is best for everyone else. I happen to agree with her, that I wouldn't want to be with a man who is unsupportive to me while I am pregnant/laboring/caring for his child. I see so many threads and posts on here where women ask for help convincing their husband to consider her needs/wishes for the birth - she wants a homebirth and he won't "allow" it; she needs some attention/support during labor and he blows her off, etc. It just makes me sad, because I cannot relate.

I'm not saying they are terrible husbands, just not husbands that I would want. I don't want this to be taken the wrong way, because I'm not saying that this is true for everyone; only for me. And philomom feels the same way. I'm sure she's not trying to be hurtful; I'm certainly not. I'm just saying what's true for me. I hope I am explaining this in a decent way.

As for doulas - I would hire one if I planned a hospital birth, but not for a homebirth. My midwife and husband are enough support at home.
post #54 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birdie B. View Post
The way I interpret this is that she is saying what is best for her, not what is best for everyone else. I happen to agree with her, that I wouldn't want to be with a man who is unsupportive to me while I am pregnant/laboring/caring for his child. I see so many threads and posts on here where women ask for help convincing their husband to consider her needs/wishes for the birth - she wants a homebirth and he won't "allow" it; she needs some attention/support during labor and he blows her off, etc. It just makes me sad, because I cannot relate.
See, here's the thing. My husband is completely, totally, 100% supportive of home birth, natural childbirth, and anything else I want or need during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. He does NOT "blow me off". He is exactly where I need him to be. My happiness and comfort are extremely important to him (and me ), which is why we BOTH prefer to have a doula there! I get what I need and he gets what he needs. It's a win-win!

I think philomom was pretty clearly saying that any man who isn't supportive in the way her husband is supportive isn't truly supportive. That is what is rubbing so many of us the wrong way.

There are different ways of showing support. Hiring a doula is one way of showing support to a laboring mom just as a husband providing it himself is another way. Just because one couple prefers the husband to provide primary labor support doesn't mean that it's undesirable for another loving, committed, mutually supportive couple to hire a doula.

The important thing is to realize that every woman's preferences and needs are different, not all men are cut out to provide fantastic labor support (which does NOT mean that they are scum unworthy of fatherhood ), and doulas can be a very helpful addition to the birth team.
post #55 of 72
I didn't have a doula for either of my births but I am a doula in training so obviously I think they have their place.
And here's a little food for thought (and does not represent the views held by the poster )

Sorry: Here's the link. http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandsty...th-labour-baby It's pretty clear in the article he's talking about fathers, not male birth professional.

Men should not attend the birth of their child says leading obstetrician

October 18, 2009 by Shawn Douglas
Filed under News, Pregnancy

“The ideal birth environment involves no men in general,” said Dr. Odent to the Observer.

“Having been involved for more than 50 years in childbirths in homes and hospitals in France, England and Africa, the best environment I know for an easy birth is where there is nobody around the woman in labor apart from a silent, low-profile and experienced midwife—and no doctor and no husband, nobody else.”
post #56 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and he can't be your best labor support? Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.
I expect him to support me in the best way he is able to and he does. If his best isn't exactly what I need that dosen't make him unworthy to father kids. You seem to think that if every man just tried a little harder of learned enough then he could be the perfect labor support person. And if he's not everything the wife needs then he's being lazy and unsupportive.

My dh would need to undergo a major personality shift in how he deals with stressful situations in order for him to fill the role I'd like a doula to fill in my next birth. Plus he'd have to learn a whole lot more about natural birth and hospital interventions. I think it would be selfish of me to ask that he change his personality when I could just ask my sister to be there and act as our doula. When there's a gap between his best and what mom needs then a doula is a great option.


Does your DH not have any areas of weakness that you are aware of deal with and forgive because you love him?
post #57 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamabeakley View Post
However, I would unilaterally recommend a doula to any woman/couple planning a hospital birth. When couples say "we want it to be just us" I gently point out that in the hospital it WON'T be: there will be at least 5 - 6 people in and out of the room none of whom will be primarily responsible for meeting either partner's emotional/physical/ mental support needs. I think I am often more useful to the partner than to the mama - because the partner is providing her support, I'm backup for the partner.
Now I know women can't always count on having a great hospital birth, but sometimes they can. We had an awesome hospital m/w with DD and the birth was absolutely fantastic. There weren't 5-6 people in and out of the room ever! There was 1 nurse who saw me when I first came in and filled asked me all the standard questions (are you going to get the epidural, etc.) and I didn't like her (she insisted I would want it and was going to put me down for it) so I had DH go to the desk and tell them we weren't compatable and wanted someone else. After that, I got an AWESOME nurse who did everything I imagine a doula would've done (pushed on my back, helped me relax, etc.) and my m/w. No one else ever came into the room at all - not a single person. I don't even know why 5 or 6 people would've needed to come in, unless it had been a long labor and there had been a few shift changes.

I don't think it's accurate to tell women that there will be a whole parade of people in and out of the room, when it just as likely won't happen. I know one of my sisters had one nurse, one OB and one anesthesiologist (for the epidural) the whole time she was in labor and the other sister also had one nurse and one OB the whole time she was in labor at the birth I attended (I can't say for the others). Small sample size, but we birthed in three different hospitals in two different states, and there's nothing unusual about our births, which were all three different - one short and completely drug-free, one short with pitocin but no epidural, and one average length with the epidural and then pitocin because the epidural stalled her labor.
post #58 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Plummeting View Post
I don't think it's accurate to tell women that there will be a whole parade of people in and out of the room, when it just as likely won't happen.
I had a pit induction w/dd due to PIH. The only people to ever come into my room were 1 nurse, the anesthesiologist and his resident (b/c I have back issues and was considered a complicated case), and the ob who delivered dd.
post #59 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by nutritionistmom View Post
I didn't have a doula for either of my births but I am a doula in training so obviously I think they have their place.
And here's a little food for thought (and does not represent the views held by the poster )

Men should not attend the birth of their child says leading obstetrician

October 18, 2009 by Shawn Douglas
Filed under News, Pregnancy

Men attending the birth of their child can make labor ‘more painful and more difficult’ for women claims the doctor.

Many men are excited about their new children and want to be with their partner when she gives birth. However, a leading obstetrician claims that during childbirth men create problems for the birthing woman and should have no part of the birth environment.

Dr. Michel Odent, a Frenchman and administrator for the Primal Health Research charity in London, links high expectations of men in the birth environment to the “industrialization of childbirth”.

So does that mean that Odent is no longer going to attend births, being that he's male? And is he going to apologize to the 50 years worth of women he screwed up by being at their births as a male?
post #60 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy View Post
So does that mean that Odent is no longer going to attend births, being that he's male? And is he going to apologize to the 50 years worth of women he screwed up by being at their births as a male?

Yeah, that article makes no sense unless Odent is planning on giving up his career and saying that all of the births he attended in the past were messed up by him being there.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Birth and Beyond
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Birth and Beyond › would anyone NOT recommend a doula?