Is 2.5 too little to expect help clearing table?

[bstandlee]

Lately we've established a family ground rule that every family member (just the 3 of us) brings at least one thing over from the table after dinner. We frame it very positively using language from the Virtues book, saying as part of our family it's everybody's responsibility to help keep the house clean and clean up after eating and that he's growing up and can do so many more things now than he used to be able to do and that includes helping clear the table. We also let him put his dish(es) in the dishwasher himself because he's always loved the dishwasher.

Well, so far it sounds great, right? The problem is DS puts up a major battle almost every time. He flat out refuses to do it and runs over to play with his toys. We calmly and matter of factly tell him he cannot do anything else until he clears over one dish, any dish he chooses, or else he may go to his room until he is ready to clear a dish. He goes to his room but keeps running out and refusing to clear. It turns into a 15-45 minute battle of trying to keep him from doing anything else until he clears a dish over, involving crying and screaming (on his part!).

It seems like this issue has gotten out of hand. It doesn't seem like 2.5 is too young to expect help clearing, but the fact that it has turned into a power struggle makes me think all we're doing is teaching him to hate helping out! Or is this just the opening guns in the battle of wills contest that is to come? What do you think?

[Alyantavid]

Stop making it a battle. No 2.5 isn't too young for that. But this is a power struggle over something basically unimportant. I'd drop it totally for awhile and then try again in a few weeks. But make it something he wants to do, not something you're forcing him to do.

[kiwiva]

I think he's too young to be forced to help in this way.

DD just turned 3 and I take help when she wants to offer it but I don't insist. I ask or suggest, but I don't require. Even with putting away toys, I help her help me but the fact is that I do most of it.

I guess I would try to find a way to get him to help without making it a battle. Hand him a cup and ask him to move it to the counter or get him to help put away the silverware. DD likes to "set the table" or hand him something to bring to the table.

Why does he have to clear the table? If he likes to put his dish in the dishwasher, make that his responsibility. You can clear and he puts it in there. He is participating in a way he wants to. Personally I hate unloading the dishwasher (I don't know why) so my DH does it when he's here. I do other things. He doesn't make me do what I really don't want to. Eventually you can reintroduce this particular rule but I would avoid anything that resulted in 15-45 mins of battle daily unless it were an issue of safety.

I don't understand throwing down the gauntlet on this one, especially where he is willing to help in a different way. Putting his plate in the dishwasher is a perfectly valid way to help.

[mamazee]

It isn't too young for you to start the idea with him and suggest it and get the ball rolling, but it is too young to expect it. I would get out of the power struggle or he'll sink his heels in and still refuse to do it at 17. If it's just what he sees everyone else do with no power struggle, he'll fall into the routine as well when he's a bit older.

[InMediasRes]

I think it's not to young to ASK for help, but it's too young to expect him to understand responsibility and helping out with the family. I always ask DS if he would like to help clear the table or load the silverware or dishes, or help unload the dishwasher, but I never expect him to say yes. Most of the time he does though.

If this is really important to your family, you could try making a game out of it, but I still wouldn't force it if he doesn't want to.

[Drummer's Wife]

My 2.5 yo can and often does take his plate to the sink (it's always a slight risk, as we have a counter height table, ceramic flooring, and use real dishes) but it's not something I would expect nor enforce him to do.

But then, I don't even require my older 3 kids to clear their place, either, so I really don't have any other suggestions besides just do it for him if he's protesting.

[nextcommercial]

Two and a half is not too young. I have 15 month olds that help clear the table.

But, it's turned into a battle, and it's not going the way you imagined it. SO, I think I would try to change how you ask. Instead, when he's done eating, hand him something to put in the sink. Then say a simple "Thank you".

If you can't change his attitude about it, drop it for a little while and start again in a few months.

[lonegirl]

I second the idea of specifically give him something to put in.
Tyr knows it is his responsibility to put his bowl in the sink...or if he is eating a yogurt he tosses the yogurt container in the bin and the spoon in the sink. I always thank him and still often have to remind him...but he revels in the idea of his responsibility...like he is responsible for turning off the tv when we go out or before bed.
I think 2.5 is a good age to get them doing basic things like that.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

Stop making it a battle. No 2.5 isn't too young for that. But this is a power struggle over something basically unimportant. I'd drop it totally for awhile and then try again in a few weeks. But make it something he wants to do, not something you're forcing him to do.

I think 2.5 is too young. My children were older before being given chores that they "had" to do or else. IMO, 2.5 is still too young to understand the meaning behind it all.

[Whistler]

I don't think it is too young to be able to physically DO it but the whole "family responsibility" thing is way over his head.

I ask mine, "Do you want to be Mommy's BIG helper?" and he rushes to put his plate in the sink!

Definitely not worth the power struggle IMO. There is lots of time to teach responsibility and doing it in a playful positive manner will go so much farther in the long run.

[Shannie77]

I usually ask my DD (2.5) to bring her plate to the sink and most of the time she will. Sometimes she won't and that is OK as I don't want it to turn into a power struggle. For the most part she enjoys helping and I want to keep it as positive an experience as possible. Sometimes I won't ask her if I know she is too grumpy, tired or distracted.

[tankgirl73]

I agree with most of the pp. It's NOT too young to be ABLE to do it, or even to expect them to do it most of the time. But it's too young to REQUIRE it, and to involve punishments like going to his room (which obviously doesn't work anyway). IMO 'go to your room' only works in the sense of "go there and focus yourself until you're calm enough, and I'm calm enough, that we can talk about this again rationally." In and of itself it's NOT a punishment, not unless you want them to start to think that their room (where they sleep, play, live, hide, retreat for comfort, etc) is a negative and terrible place.

DD has been helping with all kinds of household chores since she was able to walk, really. We follow a Montessori philosophy in this respect. It's not done through forcing, but through ALLOWING her to do it. They learn more from MODELLING at this age. If everyone else is doing something, they will naturally want to imitate. The trick is then to not say "sorry sweetie, you're too young", but to let them do it. Even if it's imperfect, letting them do it their own way is important. If it's REALLY too dangerous, then find an age-appropriate way for them to participate.

DD is almost 3 now. She can get herself a clean dish from the cupboard (pulls up a chair), get cereal from the cupboard, milk from the fridge, pour it neatly, put everything away, get a spoon, get a glass of water, and put her dishes in the dishwasher (or at least over to the sink) -- all by herself. Not that she DOES every single time, but she CAN and she is usually eager to.

If it's presented not as something they MUST do but as something they GET TO do (Tom Sawyer lol) then it helps too. But the most important thing IMO is to just allow them to do stuff WITH you, then they're empowered and independent and confident to do it.

Maybe if this one-dish-from-the-table thing is the ONLY type of 'housework' he's been asked/allowed to do so far, then he's more likely to resist? Do you let him help you cook? He can scoop flour, pour ingredients, stir batter, roll cookies, etc. He can help sweep, vaccuum, fold towels, move laundry from washer to dryer, sort laundry, clean the toilet, wipe up spilled water, wash dishes, put garbage away, put paper and cans into the recycling bins, etc.

For any of these, don't tell him to do it. Just do it yourself while he's watching. Odds are he says "me do it", so then just let him. If he doesn't, then offer. "Here, how about you fold this one?" Then don't berate or complain if he does it poorly, thank him for his help (and fix it when he isn't looking heh).

If this is more a part of his regular life, how he spends his day, a normal course, then it's less problematic than a single assigned chore out of a day of 'goofing off'. They learn that housework is normal and even enjoyable, and is a regular part of living, not something separate from play!

[bstandlee]

Thanks everybody. Your responses really helped crystallize my thinking. The power struggle is ridiculous. He loves to help with lots of other things around the house (cooking, pouring, scooping, mixing, throwing away garbage, etc.). That's why I was so surprised when he responded the way he did (we didn't approach it as if it were an ultimatum: clear this or else!). But somehow he lost the enthusiasm for helping and that is CLEARLY not what we are trying to teach him!

[terrabella]

As a blanket statement? No. Not too little at all. My youngest, at only 13 months, loves to help take dirty dishes (not actually breakable!) to the kitchen with us.

But as with any blanket statement, there are exceptions. Every child is different, and 2.5 could easily be too young for some. And at 2.5 I certainly wouldn't stress about it. if a little guy that age would would rather hop down from the table and go play or something, then whatever.

If my older kids did that though...

[leighi123]

My 2yr old is responsible for putting his dishes in the sink, and wiping his placemat with a sponge, and putting the sponge away.

He is responsible for cleaning up his own messes (wiping up spills, putting toys/books away etc.) And he also feeds/'walks' the dog, and feeds his fish.

I dont think 2 is too young.

[readytobedone]

haven't read the other responses. i don't think 2.5 is too young to GET help clearing the table, but it is probably too young to expect it. DD, who is that age, actually takes all of our plates in and loads the dishwasher. but i'm going to guess that isn't typical--she enjoys cleaning and it is never hard to get her to help put things away.

if he's putting up a major fight, i would just model it for him, say "time to put this in the kitchen," and show him what you want. but don't force it.

[terrabella]

Originally Posted by leighi123

My 2yr old is responsible for putting his dishes in the sink, and wiping his placemat with a sponge, and putting the sponge away.

He is responsible for cleaning up his own messes (wiping up spills, putting toys/books away etc.) And he also feeds/'walks' the dog, and feeds his fish.

I dont think 2 is too young.

You're such a mean mommy.

Now, spill it, what's your secret?

[JL83]

Totally reasonable.

What you need to find is a way to make it fun. We use things like seeing who can get their place to the counter first. Other things that work well in our house are teasing that she can't do it. Or throwing having one parent tell the other parent to clear a plate and then have that parent throw a pretend fit. DD laughs so hard within a few minutes and then she often decides to show us how it's done. Or have the reluctant parent eventually give in.

DD is 3 and since she was just over 2 she's been expected to clear her dishes from each meal/snack. At first she thought it was a great game. Then she didn't want to do it, so we came up with ways to make it interesting. Now it's just part of what happens.

[bstandlee]

Originally Posted by JL83

Totally reasonable.

DD is 3 and since she was just over 2 she's been expected to clear her dishes from each meal/snack. At first she thought it was a great game. Then she didn't want to do it, so we came up with ways to make it interesting. Now it's just part of what happens.

That's sort of how I expected it to go with DS. I want it to be a habit, as in you eat and then help clean up. We'll just have to revise it so there's no trace of a power struggle.

I just don't want to turn into a slave and have my child(ren) grow up assuming and taking for granted that someone else will always clean up for them. My SIL's children are 6, 9 and 11 and never help around the house because she wants them to have a fun childhood and not be responsible for any work. I don't think they've cleared a dish in their lives.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by bstandlee

That's sort of how I expected it to go with DS. I want it to be a habit, as in you eat and then help clean up. We'll just have to revise it so there's no trace of a power struggle.

I just don't want to turn into a slave and have my child(ren) grow up assuming and taking for granted that someone else will always clean up for them. My SIL's children are 6, 9 and 11 and never help around the house because she wants them to have a fun childhood and not be responsible for any work. I don't think they've cleared a dish in their lives.

I think you need to figure out how to make him want to do it. Having me ask DH to remove his plate and then having DH drop to the floor thrashing around say "Nooooooooo!!!!! I don't want to!!!!!!!" has about a 95% success rate on the nights that nothing else works. If that doesn't work we simply leave her plates on the table and don't say anything. Then when she asks us to do something, like take out the playdough or read her a story, we'll say something like "I'd love to do that, but your plate needs to be cleared first. Why don't you clear the plate while I pick a book/clear the craft table/go pee." And it's often been 10 or 15 minutes since we'd originally asked.