Happier at work than at home?

[blizzard_babe]

Am I the only one who feels WAY more respected and comfortable at work than at home?

At work, people ask my opinion and take it seriously. I am the "go-to" person on certain topics, and a part of the office team that makes instructional decisions for our entire school district. I get to have intellectual and practical conversations with intelligent coworkers. I'm valued for my intelligence, skills, and experience. If I forget my keys, oops, I forgot my keys. Hey, office mate, can you unlock the door? No biggie.

Then I go home.

Apparently, I turn into an idiot the second I walk out of my office. If I forget my keys, I'm "not even trying to pay attention." If I don't notice a plate on the coffee table, I'm "just expecting DH to do it." Basically, from what I hear, I must be the biggest moron on the planet.

Does anyone else feel far more validated and intelligent at work than at home?

[GuildJenn]

Nope. That sounds like a pretty big partnership issue - I'm sorry to hear it. My home is where I am comfortable and most respected. Even if I also wipe boogery noses.

[APToddlerMama]

Short answer: yes. I feel you! Partly a partnership issue I'm sure, but also partly because wiping butts, noses, cooking dinner, and doing laundry are a bit mundane...

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Sounds like he might be a bit stressed or something. Has he always been this way or is something bothering him?

[blizzard_babe]

I guess it's partly a partnership issue... and I *do* have a few annoying personality traits. Maybe it's just that what I do at work is MUCH more in-line with my talents than home stuff. I am good with the big picture, or with a large, detailed task that I can dive into completely. Doing a million disjointed little tasks is NOT my gift.

It's just so hard to come home from work feeling accomplished and competent and put-together, only to be reminded constantly of all the stuff I'm *not* good at. It makes me want to be one of those workaholic at-the-office-all-the-time types, except I'd miss my kiddo.

My workplace is filled with really capable-but-quirky individuals. Me forgetting my keys at home on occasion is NOT a big deal here, at all, but I'd get all kinds of disapproval if it happened at home. It's like... we do what we're good at at work, and help each other fill in the gaps. I have a coworker who I regularly go to to help me organize my big thinking into detailed "next steps." This same coworker comes to me for assistance with language-acquisition stuff. I kind of wish I could say the same about my home life.

Gawd, I'm a downer today.

[plunky]

It's a respect thing. At work you're bound by professional courtesy. At home, you should get (and give) at least the equivalent.

[bnjjohnson]

I hear ya! At work I feel very productive and useful. At home I feel like my work goes unnoticed and has to be done over and over again with no end point. No annual performance reviews at home to say, "good job!"

People at work listen and follow directions (for the most part). At home my kids whine, cry and scream and don't do what I ask.

My DH isn't judging at home, but I do judge myself.

This is a big part of why I love my job - it is what I am good at and where I feel the most like "me"

[Ellien C]

I hear you sister. I don't have quite the same partnership issues, but DH is very, very, very tense right now. Likes wakes up in the morning angry, despondent and confused. Every little thing sets him off. People just can't act that way at my work. It's a very professional buttoned-down kind of place.

Plus someone else cleans the toilets, vaccums, washes the windows, wipes the counter, makes lunch and then I throw out the foam plates afterwards.... he he. It's totally ideal!

For me, it's all the DRAMA I come home to that I'm having a hard time with. People yelling, screaming, crying, stomping around the house - generally acting like children. I'm just not good with that sort of thing.

[blizzard_babe]

I can handle drama... I taught elementary school. Junior high, for a little while. Oy, drama.

I guess I should just be grateful for such a healthy work environment, huh?

[provocativa]

I am a stay at home mom, who was an intellectual and is much more suited to such pursuits than wiping noses and settling tantrums. I think you have 2 issues- one with your dh, and his respect, and the other is with our society and how we mother (solo). Mothering solo sucks. We need the community to be there to help with nose wiping, and modeling behavior (both good jobs for older kids, imo). And we need time out for intellectual pursuits. But we get neither, sahm or wahm or wohm. I remember how everyone used to listen to what I said and respected my voice, before I was a stay at home mom.

[Teenytoona]

Originally Posted by Ellien C

For me, it's all the DRAMA I come home to that I'm having a hard time with. People yelling, screaming, crying, stomping around the house - generally acting like children. I'm just not good with that sort of thing.

Yeah, this is me. I'm much better at work since it's organized and everyone has their jobs, etc. At home, it's mayhem much of the time and sometimes I can roll with it, sometimes not. We both WOH, so the house is a mess constantly and I can't take it!

[blizzard_babe]

Originally Posted by provocativa

I am a stay at home mom, who was an intellectual and is much more suited to such pursuits than wiping noses and settling tantrums. I think you have 2 issues- one with your dh, and his respect, and the other is with our society and how we mother (solo). Mothering solo sucks. We need the community to be there to help with nose wiping, and modeling behavior (both good jobs for older kids, imo). And we need time out for intellectual pursuits. But we get neither, sahm or wahm or wohm. I remember how everyone used to listen to what I said and respected my voice, before I was a stay at home mom.

Yes to all this.

[singin'intherain]

You don't get a lot of respect for being a great mother, and that can be hard after being recognized for your accomplishments all day at work. But I don't hear you saying anything about that part of it. To me it sounds like your dh is treating you in a (at least) mildly abusive way. If he wouldn't treat a stranger that way, he shouldn't treat you that way. We all get snappy, yeah. But this sounds constant and predictable, like you know he's going to put you down and what insults he's going to throw at you.

I'm a big fan of NOT tolerating this kind of relentless tearing down in a relationship. That is abusive in my book, and there's no excuse for it. No matter how hard things might be for him for one reason or another, he can choose to be civil and respectful, or he can choose to issue deliberate put downs. Would you allow your kids to kick the dog because they're stressed, or would you say, I feel for you, but you have to find something appropriate to do? A simple, "I will discuss this with you when you are ready to talk to me respectfully" might help.

[Penelope]

Sigh. Yeah, I get treated with respect and have a lot of fun at work. At home, my dh seems most comfortable when he's being the wet blanket to any fun suggestion I might have, or pointing out my faults.

I know on one level that it's a manifestation of his depression, but damn, it's tough to live with someone who is negative all. the. time.

[blizzard_babe]

Originally Posted by singin'intherain

You don't get a lot of respect for being a great mother, and that can be hard after being recognized for your accomplishments all day at work. But I don't hear you saying anything about that part of it. To me it sounds like your dh is treating you in a (at least) mildly abusive way. If he wouldn't treat a stranger that way, he shouldn't treat you that way. We all get snappy, yeah. But this sounds constant and predictable, like you know he's going to put you down and what insults he's going to throw at you.

I'm a big fan of NOT tolerating this kind of relentless tearing down in a relationship. That is abusive in my book, and there's no excuse for it. No matter how hard things might be for him for one reason or another, he can choose to be civil and respectful, or he can choose to issue deliberate put downs. Would you allow your kids to kick the dog because they're stressed, or would you say, I feel for you, but you have to find something appropriate to do? A simple, "I will discuss this with you when you are ready to talk to me respectfully" might help.

There's a lot of truth here. I wouldn't call it abusive, but there are some issues there that need dealing with.

Originally Posted by Penelope

Sigh. Yeah, I get treated with respect and have a lot of fun at work. At home, my dh seems most comfortable when he's being the wet blanket to any fun suggestion I might have, or pointing out my faults.

I know on one level that it's a manifestation of his depression, but damn, it's tough to live with someone who is negative all. the. time.

This. The funny thing is, he complains about *me* always looking for the negative. I think he wants me to be the perfect shiny ray of sunshine so he can be a reclusive misanthrope.