"But hers is bigger than mine!" (or related problems)

[sgmom]

A friend of mine is having a huge problem with this and has asked me for help...

There was a great quote about why this happens in Unconditional Parenting, but for the life of me, I can't find it. And I must be using the wrong keywords because I can't find it in google either.

Does anyone have a quick link to the answer?

Thanks in advance!

[LionessMom]

i dont have a link but we have a saying here.

"you get what you get and you dont throw a fit"

my kids used to throw fits over what cup someone got etc. now they repeat this line for the younger kids.

[Jenne]

Growing up we had a rule- 1 kid got to cut in half, get out 2 cups, bring out the box of crayons, then the other kid got to choose which half, which cup, which crayon to use first. We took turns being the splitter and the chooser. It helped us 1) be fair with each other 2) not complain so much

I'll be intereseted to read though what UP has to say once someone posts it!

Jenne

[sgmom]

It was a very clear "This is usually the case when" (referring to non UP parenting) type of comment, and the example used was (in so many other words) the title of my thread. I believe relating to their portions of food.

I remember thinking how interesting that was when I read it, so it's bugging the heck our of me that I can't remember and can't find it now. I'm on a mission to figure it out. LOL

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by Jenne

I'll be intereseted to read though what UP has to say once someone posts it!

Jenne

me too!

[Jenne]

Anyone???

Jenne

[MariaMadly]

Alfie Kohn does have a website, that might be a helpful place to check.

What we tried to do here has been to address what we gave each child in terms of what s/he needed, not in comparison to what the other got. In other words, tried to have them perceive their needs in terms of how THEY were feeling rather than what another person had.

Sorry not to have a more direct answer, hope it leads to some ideas for your friend.

[ann_of_loxley]

Siblings without Rivalry sounds like the better suggested book for this. I think most of what is suggested in it is applicable to any child-child relationship. I nanny a few children and I find it helpful and my son and their children are not 'siblings' - if any of that makes sense lol...

I also personally found Naomi Aldorts book 'Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves' much more insightful than Kohns - its along the same exact lines, its just better put with more examples, etc.

[sgmom]

The quote I'm looking for came from the book "Unconditional Parenting", but "Siblings Without Rivalry" would for sure be a better book to answer this question.

I've never heard of "raising our children, raising ourselves", but I'm definitely going to look for it.

Thanks.

[pianojazzgirl]

Watching this thread, as that sounds just like my dd referring to what her little brother got. She always asks for more than him, and demands to know that she got the bigger piece or at least an "equal half". I've just asked her to stop asking about it. I told her that often I give her a little bit more because she's 3 yrs older and is likely to eat/drink more than her little brother, but that it's best kept between the two of us, because her brother probably wouldn't be happy if he realized he wasn't getting quite as much. After explaining this several times she has eased up a bit with these kinds of questions. She also has a thing about wanting her food/cup of drink/whatever first, but I try to give them at the same time so neither of the kids get upset.

Anyway, like I said I'll be watching the thread for ideas!