First Parent Teacher Conferences--2 problems

[greatful_isis]

My DD started 4K this fall. She is doing great and loving it!
I got her first "report card" today and we will be meeting with the teacher next week. I have a few things that I'm concerend about... but I don't know how to say it... or if its really worth it.
1). They have this elaborate reward system. I do not have rewards at home... and things seem to work just fine. (minus a few outbursts here and there) But they have a race track on the wall. Each kid has a car that goes around the track. When they have gone 5 days of "making good choices" they recieve "K Cash" and are able to buy prizes out of the prize box.
My DD is well behaved, she doesn't need these constant rewards. She comes home with toys and candy from this box. I understand the teacher needs to have some sort of order and reinforcers for the kids but this just seems over the top. Since school has started DD's behavior has gotten worse at home. I don't know if its just the transistion to school or if its because we arn't providing her with prizes for being respectful and helpful.

2). Every week they go to the library. And every week... except ONE, DD has come home with a book about some princess... or disney charachter!! HONESTLY!! I asked DD how they pick thier books... I guess the teacher and librarian put them on a table for the kids to pick. So, my DD isn't just picking this book. It is what has been selected for her. I don't think that she needs to reading books about Tinkerbell and her friends who look like they are about 20... and not fully clothed. Or any other princess. It is selling a product to her and subjecting her to inaccurate portrayals of women. AHHH!
The other day she was playing with a Polly pocket her grandma gave her and told me she wants to look like her. I tried explaining she's not real, and real people don't look like that. But it really bummed me out.


So I'm not sure what to do. I don't know what to say, or if its even going to matter.
I guess maybe I should pick the one that is most important to me and say something. But I'm not sure how to approach this without getting upset... or upsetting the teacher.
This whole Parent Teacher Conference thing is new to me!

What would you do? Am I being unreasonable?

Thanks for your thoughts

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by greatful_isis

1). They have this elaborate reward system.

I don't think it's worth talking about with the teacher because I doubt that it will change.

Since school has started DD's behavior has gotten worse at home. I don't know if its just the transistion to school or if its because we arn't providing her with prizes for being respectful and helpful.

There could be a lot of reasons for her behavoir to slide at home after starting school, and the rewards are just one possibility. Have you tried talking directly to your DD about it? She's most likely more tired, may be a little stressed, perhapse seeing other kids behaving badly and trying some of those things out to see how they feel to her or work out for her.

I guess the teacher and librarian put them on a table for the kids to pick. So, my DD isn't just picking this book. It is what has been selected for her.

I'd ask what other kinds of books are on the table. I'd want more information. Because your DD hasn't been exposed to these types of books before, they may be more interesting to her right now, but if you talk about your concerns with her, you may help her see why they aren't your favorite. Teachers and librarians are fairly desperate to get some kids to pick up ANY book at all, so I see where they are coming from. None the less, talk to the teacher about your concerns (but in respectful way that doesn't judge the book or families who like them).

I don't think that she needs to reading books about Tinkerbell and her friends who look like they are about 20... and not fully clothed. Or any other princess. It is selling a product to her and subjecting her to inaccurate portrayals of women. AHHH!
The other day she was playing with a Polly pocket her grandma gave her and told me she wants to look like her.

I believe in letting kids pick their own books from a wide variety, so I'd want to make sure there really was a wide variety. You might ask her in what way she wants to look like Polly Pocket. It might be something as innocent as wanting a certain outfit that Polly has, or hair that flips a certain way.

But I'm not sure how to approach this without getting upset... or upsetting the teacher.

If the teacher has been teaching for awhile, she's heard it all before.

As far as getting upset, you might find it helpful to get really clear in your head what you are happy about with school and her teacher and in what ways this is a positive experience for your DD. Look at the big picture.

When you think about the negatives, have a little faith in your DD and in the universe. Believe that the values you have and teach your DD have already taken strong root in her, and that exploring other values and ways of doing things cannot override what is already in her core.

[greatful_isis]

Thanks for your thoughts on this! I really haven't talked to anyone else about this and I appreciate your comments. I agree with what you said. Starting school is such a big milestone and there are so many changes.
I think I just know that my little girl is going out into the world now and while I know that I have instilled some things in her, she is still so impressionable and will continue to be. I've been really stressed myself since she started school, I started a new job in June so we've been busy.
I've been thinking about this since I posted, and I think I need to pick the more important issue to me. And really it is the books. Not for the reading quality or stories.... I'm more concerned about the images and the commercialism of it. We let her watch Disney movies once in awhile and she has been exposed to these things, but I get to monitor it. The connections between girls and poor self esteem and eating disorders with the barage of media images in our society is a real concern. So if it can be helped, or minimized why not?

Anyways. ... Thanks, I really appreciate another perspective

[Tigerchild]

Just a thought, as a library volunteer in my kids' schools for 3 years now...

Many times the reason why the librarians have a bunch of books set out is because they kids must pick at least 1 "just right" book. Are these princess books beginning readers?

The kindy classes are NOT limited as to what they check out, but there is normally a wide variety of selections on the tables for them to pick from because many times the actual check-out time is short OR many kids get so totally overwhelmed at first until they get used to things that it's easier for everyone involved if there's a selection available to choose from. Having helped out with a wide variety of grades, when you have 1st graders for the first time moving beyond the 'pick a book from the table' system, their requests for "help me find a book about x" are very demanding until they begin to know their way around the computer catalog and the library itself. Many times it's just me and the librarian there for 24 kids, and we are hopping the entire time with just barely enough time to zoom through the actual checkout trying to take care of everyone and help everyone.

Have you asked the librarian if you can volunteer during your DD's library time? Since in many districts librarian assistants are a thing of the past, many librarians do welcome volunteers for reshelving and checkout! If you volunteer you can see firsthand the system, may be able to assist in putting other books in addition to the princesses out there, and might be able to influence your dd's choices more directly (hopefully you will help other kids find what they want too). I find it hard to believe that only princess books are available. In both elementary schools I have done library volunteering in, those books are not great in number with high demand.

I agree with others that if those books are not allowed at your home, your DD may just find them novel and will tire of them soon. Or she may want to check out similar books to her friends for awhile. (I have seen many best buds try to check out the same book each week.)

I guess I would not get bent out of shape over a princess book. I don't think reading about Cinderella will make your daughter anorexic or body obsessed. But I say this gently--having a parent who is constantly obsessing about that and worried about it may influence her a great deal. I have had to learn, myself, to back off a bit with projecting my fears onto my kid as well as the fine line between being observant/wary and bringing it up so much I make my kid worry about it because it's quite obvious that I am worried about it. Just something to think about it.

[karne]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

I guess I would not get bent out of shape over a princess book. I don't think reading about Cinderella will make your daughter anorexic or body obsessed. But I say this gently--having a parent who is constantly obsessing about that and worried about it may influence her a great deal. I have had to learn, myself, to back off a bit with projecting my fears onto my kid as well as the fine line between being observant/wary and bringing it up so much I make my kid worry about it because it's quite obvious that I am worried about it. Just something to think about it.

That's really well said.

OP, try to remember, if it helps, that school is a piece of your child's life, not all of it. What you provide in the home in terms of values, good reading material, open discussions about what "real" women/girls look like--all of that is more influential than the princess book your dd may be picking at library time. I say this as a mom whose child has brought home Spongebob books. Could anything look or feel less like literature to me?? It was a phase that is passing quickly, and I tried to stay out of it. But it wasn't easy.

Good luck at the conference!

[mammastar2]

I really, really dislike reward systems as well, especially ones that are elaborate and take center stage like that. Dd's current teacher does have a reward system, which I don't like, and it does involve prizes based on a draw from those kids who behaved well that week. Not my favourite. This year I've not commented on it all that much because dd is a bit older now, and although she mentions when she has got something, it hasn't been out of proportion.

When she was in first grade, her teacher had a system that involved groups competing every week to be the 'best behaved,' then getting dollar store junk prizes. It caused a lot of stress and upset, as kids were constantly disappointed not to 'win' despite their good behaviour, and I know dd stopped wanting to sit with friends who were livelier in class. I didn't like how it prompted well-behaved kids to shun those who had more trouble. What I did do was to have frank chats with dd about the system, asking how she was feeling about it, discussing why the teacher might think it was a good system but what some of the problems were. I found that made a huge difference: she does much better if we acknowledge that her teachers aren't always perfect, and talk about how things could be better, even when it doesn't get us to systemic change.

With the books, I agree with the poster who suggested learning more about what variety of books are put out for the kids. Personally, while I wouldn't make a big, big deal about the princess books, I would probably emphasize to the teacher that it's important to me her choice of books not be restricted, particularly if there's a big emphasis on tv/Disney-based books. I don't like them at all, but I accept they're a feature of (misguided) school libraries - I just want them to be part of a balanced diet.

[KCMichigan]

I would talk to the teacher and ask her to explain some things:

1. the system of rewards and why it is set up this way. There may be a reason- school policy, several children need a reward systerm per IEP/504 plan and she simply includes the whole class to not point of a specific child, lots of behavioral problems are happening and it is a solution that works for the 'majority', etc.

2. The books-- express that you want DD to be offered other options and get clear feedback on how they are doing the selection. I know my girls 'ask' for princess stories and enjoy them (I personally dont object--I find the books more wholesome than the movies- plus many of the non-movie based but have a Disney character books are about friendship, kindness, and strong female characters), but they also enjoy animal books and picture find type stories. I suspect that like PP stated, the books are selected as 'popular' titles for that age bracket and make the choice of book options less confusing and easier for 4 yr olds.

Have a frank talk w/ your daughter and ask her opinions on books, the classroom, etc. You may be surprised at how she views it. My girls like princesses in any form, not just the Disney-fied version. They like the little girl princess stories as well (Paperbag princess, Angelina Ballerina Princess, The littlest princess, Fairy Tales etc)---the whole genre of fantasy is fun for them- fairies, dragons, knights, princesses, castles, butterflies, unicorns, etc. They love to dress up- and we dont allow it if it is inappropriate clothing (they mostly have sacklike dress up dresses, butterfly wings, crowns, wands, pirate costumes, doctor scrubs,etc) and helps them build imagination.

As for the conference, the best thing you can do is write a (small) list of questions for the teacher. It will help make sure you get your questions answered, stay on focus, and be more organized about what you want to know.

[JL83]

About the books. DH and I take DD (3) to the library every week or two. She has the entire kid's section (large library) to pick from and without fail the first thing she finds is a book about princesses or some TV character. They are designed to grab kid's attention. I don't think that is a failing of the school. If you are providing her with plenty of other reading materials (DH and I then choose 5 or 6 other books which have nothing to do with characters) I wouldn't worry.

[greatful_isis]

Great suggestions and thoughts. Thank You.
I like the idea of volunteering at the library. I will check into that.



Karne, you said...(don't know how to do the quotes)
OP, try to remember, if it helps, that school is a piece of your child's life, not all of it. What you provide in the home in terms of values, good reading material, open discussions about what "real" women/girls look like--all of that is more influential than the princess book your dd may be picking at library time. I say this as a mom whose child has brought home Spongebob books. Could anything look or feel less like literature to me?? It was a phase that is passing quickly, and I tried to stay out of it. But it wasn't easy.


Thank You I needed to hear that.

[eepster]

I would talk about it all with the teacher.

I don't think the teacher will change things much just b/c 1 parent doesn't like something, but if 20 didn't like it she probably would. However, if those 20 parents who disliked it all thought there was no point in bringing it up since the teacher won't change b/c of one family, then the teacher will never know that people dislike the reward system and want there child to be encouraged to read better books.