My 8yo is asking to go to school

[oceanbaby]

How do you decide what to do? He's at the age where dh and I had said we would let him decide, or at least seriously consider his input. I really am not a fan of public school, but we can't afford private school. Do we reorganize our entire lives to get him into a small private school by me going back to work?

What about ds2? He's not asking to go to school, but if ds1 goes, then of course ds2 will want to go. But at 5yo, that's not a decision I am comfortable letting him make.

Do we spend the rest of this year cracking down academically to get his handwriting skills up to par so that he is more at peer level by next Sept.?

Aack!

[terrabella]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

Do we spend the rest of this year cracking down academically to get his handwriting skills up to par so that he is more at peer level by next Sept.?

Aack!

Yes! If you're going to respect his request, you really owe him that. If you don't have him on par, you'll be setting him up for "failure" (shame, frustration, that sort of thing). So tell him that it's fine, but you'll all need to work harder to get prepared.

And just stick to a flat rule with ds2. Ds1 choose to go when he was 8/9, that's the rule. After all, you don't let 13 year olds drive just because big bro is, right? Same thing. Well, it's not, it's an arbitrary rule, but screw it, you're the parent, so it's the same thing!

[LilyGrace]

We've had a pretty good success rate by sitting down to talk over a plate of pastries and going in this order:

list of what he wants to learn the next year
pros/cons of school
pros/cons of home

And then we go and do the research - checking out the school and matching what they offer to the list. Helping him look at the options again with the new information, and possibly changing his wishes to suit the option he's leaning toward. Looking at how to change the cons of both school AND home so that the decision is easier.

Then letting him make the final decision (with a time limit put in place - I usually ask by the end of the current school year unless new info comes out).

So far, he's decided in favor of home each year but he feels good that it's been his decision and one that he has thoroughly thought out so he knows it's the right one for him. He feels listened to and mainly that's what I'm going for - an understanding that he is the only one in charge of his education, that everyone else is just there to help him no matter what he chooses.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

How do you decide what to do? He's at the age where dh and I had said we would let him decide, or at least seriously consider his input. I really am not a fan of public school, but we can't afford private school. Do we reorganize our entire lives to get him into a small private school by me going back to work?

Do take your time and look around carefully - it's a huge decision.

When my son was in 1st grade at a little private school that I wasn't willing to sent him back to for 2nd, I spent a lot of time looking at all the private schools around. This was the second private school he'd been in, the other one had been Waldorf for kindergarten.

In most cases, I spent time in the classrooms actually watching what was going on - and it was generally pretty different from what it seemed from just touring.

In one school that had been recommended, they actually let my child sit in on a class for the afternoon. When I picked him up, he told me with great certainty, "Well, she was nice to me, but I could tell that she'd be just as mean to me as she was to everyone else if I went there." And that certainly fit with what I'd observed about the school.

Then I finally visited and observed classes at the local public school, and found it to be, by far, the warmest, heaithiest, and most nurturing one of all - and that was true in two different classrooms with teachers who had two very different teaching styles. Don't discount the public ones yet - make sure to go visit and observe inside any school you're considering.

You can't even count on the opinion of other parents - those opinions can vary wildly, according to all sorts of factors. You really need to talk to a wide variety of people to get a balanced view - and then you really need to go observe.

All the best. Take your time with this decision, because it can make for a lot of aggravation once you're settled into a school. - Lillian

[Ruthla]

I would start by talking to him- why does he want to go to school? What does he expect to encounter at school that he's not getting at home? Then you have to figure out the answers to two questions: Will the schools actually meet that need, and is there some way to get the same needs met at home? You also need to factor in the cost to the rest of the family. I don't think it's fair to stop HSing the little one because the older one wants to go to private school, especially when there's the chance that school won't work out and you'll bring him back home. Part of your research needs to include financial aide options, as well as what the public schools are like.

DD2 decided that she wanted to go to public school because she wasn't really hitting it off with any of the girls in the HS group, she was drifting away from the boys in the HS group she'd played with when they were younger, and she wanted "her own friends that aren't primarily DD1's friends." She decided that the work involved in a school setting (much more time-wasting and "not suited to her learning style" than the way I HSed her) was worth it for the social benefits.

She's thriving there. But she's also 13, not 8. Personally, I think 8 is kind of young to be making this kind of huge decision.

[stormborn]

The 'why' would be a big factor for me. My 8 yo begged to go to school last year but her reason was to play with her public schooled friends all day instead of waiting until 2:30. When it was made clear that her friends weren't even in the same grade and there isn't much playtime at school anyway the desire went away.

If she'd had different reasons we probably would have arranged a visit to a school (if they even allow that anymore?) or tried to work one of the local free/democratic schools into the budget, but since her reason was based on a misconception we didn't get that far.

[oceanbaby]

Well, the first time I asked him why he said "So I can play at recess and do math all day." I explained to him how that wasn't going to be the case. I offered to take him on a tour of our local public school, and we did that together a few days ago. He said he liked it and wanted to go. We talked some more - I explained he wouldn't be in the same class or even at recess at the same time as the neighbor kids he knows there.

Then we talked about the things he wouldn't be able to do if he went to school. At that point he said "Never mind, I don't want to go to school." And I thought we were done with it. Then yesterday, after homeschool parkday (where he played long and hard and had a great time with his friends) he said on the ride home that he decided again that he does want to go to school. I asked him why, and he said "to learn stuff." I asked if there were things he wanted to be learning at home, and he just said "No, I want to do it at school." So it's hard to get exact reasons from him.

Lillian - I hear you about the public/private school thing. There are several private schools I wouldn't want ds to attend. However, there is one very small one that I really like. But it's expensive (although cheaper than the other ones), and about 25 minutes from our house. When I toured it last year, the kids were all involved in creative activities, spread out over the classroom, and with class sizes ranging from 8-12 kids per grade, they were really choosing individual activities.

At our local public school, I saw two 4th grade classrooms (ds1 would be in 4th grade next year). One they were all sitting around reading aloud from their textbook. The next one was dead silent while all the kids were filling out worksheets. 4th and 5th graders get one 10 minute recess in the morning, and then lunch. No afternoon recess. In the first grade classroom (ds2 would be in first grade next year) they were all filling out worksheets about Thanksgiving. "I will eat _____." That kind of thing. All grade have art once a week, P.E. twice a week, drama once a week, and no foreign language. Library once a week. And there are more budget cuts to come next year.

I don't know what to do. Ds1 does change his mind a lot, and I have a very hard time drawing out of him what he is thinking. So it's tough.

[4evermom]

Can you arrange to have him sit in for the day at the public school? Like Lillian said, really observing is very different than touring. I say the public school since you aren't sure you can afford the private one you like. And you think your other ds would want to go, as well, so you would be looking at tuition for two kids. I wouldn't have ds spend the day there unless it was really a possibility.

[caefi]

Honestly, I don't think an 8yo is ready to decide what's best for his education. That's entirely up to the parents. What part of school does he want to experience, and how can you meet that need at home?

[Natsuki]

I also don't think an 8 year old is at an age to decide that type of thing. A 12 or 13 year old - probably. But they need the age of logic at the very least for a decision that big.

Anyway - is a homeschool coop an option for him? He'll get to go to 'school' once a week to 'learn stuff' in a classroom but it won't be such a dramatic educational shift.

[Rev1053]

I agree with the PP who said its not up to him.
I pulled DS1 out of public school against his wishes. He is still being HSed against his wishes. He doesn't like it but he doesnt get to choose what I think is best for him.
If you and your DH do not think the local public school is adequate tell him so. Explain you can not afford a private school. So at this time the best education for him is the one you are doing now.

[oceanbaby]

Well, we're still working through this. I'm having a hard time getting from ds exactly what he is thinking. He is an incredibly high energy kid, and thrives on constant stimulation. He also loves "new" - new situations, new classes, new people. If I had to guess I would think that is what he is craving.

[chfriend]

My just turned 9 year old decided that she would spend this school year getting ready to go to school next year. She asked for school time so we've been meeting for an hour or so in the mornings to cover handwriting, reading, math and spelling, her choices of subjects. (HWT, progressivephonics.com; Singapore and Rightstart math; Sequential Spelling). Her 5 year old sister insisted on being included as well.

We've been at it since late August. The result is a much less anxious kid and a kid that loves homeschooling again.

The other thing she wanted was "a big group of nice kids" to play organized games with. I had tried to get that together last year and not been successful.

Fortunately, another homeschool mom and her 10 year old have organized a 4week big organized games (Beckon, Capture the Flag, sock wars) for 9s and ups...a few of the bigger 8 year olds who can definitely keep up are joining as well. A grown up who is really good at leading games is getting paid a bit to keep it flowing.

So, we went after the things we hoped school would bring us this year, rather than just enrolling without getting ready. In the meantime, we've created a more hospitable homeschooling enviornment for ourselves.