How do you respond to people who tell you to CIO?

[rachandlily]

And in my life that's pretty much everyone! I'm so sleep deprived that I don't have the energy to respond intelligently to all these advice-givers. I sorta wish I had a good one-liner that would put an end to the conversation. What do you say to people that tell you to let your baby cry it out??

[Chloe'sMama]

I just say no and don't discuss it. But I have to say, whenever I have a conversation about co-sleeping I always say 'I love co-sleeping, I feel great and she feels great, it works for us' before they ever had a chance to tell me to CIO. Even if I am feeling tired, I say the same thing...... well, to people outside my trust circle. I tell my friends if I have a rough night, but I always add 'I would not change our sleeping situation even for more sleep.'

It is so frustrating when people think it is their business to tell me how to sleep.

[tanyam926]

First of all, it's not a wise idea to complain about any parenting issue w/people who don't parent the same way you do. So venting to your CIO happy friend/mil/gma about how tired you are is only going to invite them to offer suggestions that go against what you believe in.

I only complain about my kids to my mom bc she understands and is on board w/AP parenting. To everyone else who asks, my kids sleep, eat, act wonderful.

If you are getting unsolicited advice about CIO I would just say something like, "That's great that it worked for you", and change the subject. If they have done it w/their kids and you launch into the damage CIO does to kids it will only put them on the defensive and they won't hear what you are trying to say.

It's hard not to get your feelings hurt when your parenting is called into question (I know I do when I hear it sometimes from my gma and my aunt) but stay firm in what you know in your heart. It DOES get easier! I promise.

[sept15lija]

When people ask me how I'm doing or how baby's sleeping (or they would ask me "is he a good baby?" which usually means does he sleep ) I would say we're doing great and he's a great baby. I never said anything about how tired I was except to people I know supported my views. This meant I wasn't completely honest with siblings, parents, close friends...I was SO sick of the "advice" though. And it also meant I didn't have a lot of support IRL. It's tough not being part of the 95% who CIO when looking for someone to commiserate with - thank goodness for MDC!

[almadianna]

I always say that my children need me and I will do what I need to do to meet their needs... thus CIO does not fit in with my parenting style.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I just flat out say, I Don't do that. EVER. The end. Usually they don't continue pushing because of the look on my face

[LeeKei]

THis is what I tell them.

If you could hear and adult crying audibly would you just ignore them? or would you go and talk to them and ask what is wrong, comfort, love on, try to help them? If you wouldnt do it to an adult why in the world would you do it to a baby!?!?!?!
GRRRRRR this topic gets me blood boiling!!!

[chfriend]

These were the lessons I learned:

1) Never talk to anyone about being tired who isn't also a sleep deprived AP mom. Slap a smile on your face and keep one foot in front of the other.

2) "We're fine." "Thanks, we're doing fine." "She's fine." "Thanks, I'm fine." like that....

[mntnmom]

"If my child misbehaved, and I locked him in a dark room until he stopped crying as punishment, CPS would take him. But if I put him in a dark room, with a crib he can't get out of until he stops crying, that's good parenting?"

I've actually gotten a couple folks to seriously reconsider their position with that idea.
Just try to keep in mind, they ARE trying to be helpful. In their way of looking at it, a few nights of a scared screaming child is worth the sleep they get later. They just don't see the long term sleep and relationship issues it can cause for the child.

[Bokonon]

I say a variety of things, ranging from "I don't do that" and "Not an option" to "I don't think punishing my baby for being a baby is a good way to parent".

[justKate]

"I just can't stand to hear her cry! Maybe because she's my first..."

[CHANGE SUBJECT:] "It must be so much easier the second time around! Did you feel like it was easier with your second?"

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Well, I personally find it a lot easier to get up with the baby, take care of whatever needs to be taken care of, and we are all back to sleep 20-30 minutes later, versus the baby waking everyone up with her screams and we all can't get back to sleep for hours. Occasionally, if the baby is up all night, it is due to being "off" on her "schedule"--took too long and too late of a nap in the afternoon or because she's sick or teething or something.

ETA: Coffee, lots of caffeinated goodness in the mornings after a rough night. Forcing dad to take a shift is also good. I have to go to work at 6 am. He works at home and can take a rest day if necessary.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by rachandlily

And in my life that's pretty much everyone! I'm so sleep deprived that I don't have the energy to respond intelligently to all these advice-givers. I sorta wish I had a good one-liner that would put an end to the conversation. What do you say to people that tell you to let your baby cry it out??

usually i say "that is psychologically damaging to the baby".

but i only had one person tell me to let baby CIO. but if i was asked more i would prob just say "no" and look at them like they were from another planet. or "what an odd thing to say"

[NiteNicole]

I really tried not to debate this with people IRL. Most people offering up this advice had done this at one time or another, most of them are still really good and loving parents, most of them have great relationships with their kids. They don't want me laying any guilt on them and frankly, it's already done, I don't want to make someone feel bad about something they can't undo, especially when their kids don't seem to have any lasting ill-effects anyway. All that said, even though we were still sorting out sleep problems when my child was appoaching three years old, I was not willing to try CIO.

As others have said, just don't complain about it unless you know you're talking to people who get where YOU are coming from on this issue. It's not worth it.

[blessedwithboys]

"i dont abuse my children"

[henny penny]

I recently read a post by a wise mama here on mdc that I'll paraphrase which would apply to lots of ap situations (co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, child led potty, etc.). My new response is now "in previous generations a measure of good mothering was how soon babies were independent of us like sleeping on their own before they were ready. I think most of us know better now. My baby is certainly happier for it!". Say it with a smile and then quickly change the subject.

[baileyann3]

in a low quiet voice.. "why on earth, would i let her cry alone?... wierd... " then walk away with a "you must be sick or something" look on your face. maybe add in one of these -->

[rachandlily]

Thanks for all the advice ladies....I guess I'm just reaching out to the people in my life like I have with every other challenge, without thinking about what their parenting philosophies are. I think keeping it to myself more is probably my best first step....

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by rachandlily

Thanks for all the advice ladies....I guess I'm just reaching out to the people in my life like I have with every other challenge, without thinking about what their parenting philosophies are. I think keeping it to myself more is probably my best first step....

You know, I really had to go through this transition too. I think it happens when we become parents.

I'm a huge sharer and always want to divulge everything. It took me a while to figure out that parenting was not an area where I could regularly do that and have the outcomes I wanted. I kept getting soooo much advice and was always wondering why people thought I was such a bad parent and needed so much advice. But then I figured out that I was just offering too many people a chance to give their advice, and they couldn't resist. Hell, I can't resist giving people parenting advice, especially new parents talking about things like CIO! I think most people want to justify their parenting because it's such A BIG DEAL, and knowing that other people are making the same choices as you is really reassuring. Even if you're doing it wrong, like choosing CIO. Anyway, I've just relied on MDC for that reassurance, now, and kept choices to myself, except for with a few choice friends. AND, I've tried to wear the other shoe and really, really abstain from offering my opinion. So hard.

So, not saying you're doing all this, but as you can see, I have a tendency to go on and on.

[Mandynee22]

I'm mean about it. It's really the one thing that I'm not diplomatic about at all because I really do think that everyone knows it is totally the lazy way out. They just want everyone else to do it so they don't feel bad about themselves. It isn't like RIC or formula where someone really could possibly think it's better, everyone knows better.
I have said (and probably will have to say again... to the EXACT SAME PERSON) "so, instead of doing my job as a parent, you want me to just let my baby scream for no other reason than because it might make *my* life easier? That sounds pretty selfish and lazy to me" I've had to say it to this person with the two previous kids already, pretty positive it'll be said again. (This one's a big fan of "crying devlops the lungs!!!") LOL