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Do I just get over it? - Page 4

post #61 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cascadian View Post
Meh, get over it. And the micromanaging. Life is full of random experiences beyond our control, and it can lead to wonderful surprises. Some of the ickiest stuff people gave us for the kids - stuff that there's no way I would have ever chosen - ended up being their favourites for whatever reason.

Gifting is as much for the giver as for the recipient. Don't take that away from people, especially grandparents.
Great advice that I try to follow, myself.
post #62 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by ihugtrees View Post
I don't agree with the phrase that giving is as much about the giver. It SHOULDNT be. If it is, I'd rather not have it. You shouldn't give because you feel gratified by doing it...you should give selflessly.
That's pretty much 99% of the giving out there. And I personally see nothing wrong with something that makes both parties happy...a win-win situation. It seriously boggles my mind to put psychological limits on how someone feels about buying gifts...maybe in your world, but certainly not in mine.

"Dear family, here is a list of approved gifts for my child this holiday season. Please know that we will not accept gifts that you feel happy or in any way gratified about buying, giving, or watching little Sally/Johnny open."

post #63 of 89
I would say that even if you are asked for a list, and you provide one, it is still up to the gift giver to choose the gift they would like to buy. I would also say that micro managing the gift giver's choices takes away from the spirit of the season. Just my
post #64 of 89
I really want to downsize the gift aspect of Christmas this year. I am limiting to three-four toys per child and all of them will be either learning toys or wooden toys. My husband always wants to buy crap in quantity. I hate it. Nothing lasts beyond the time it takes to get it out of the box and play with it once.

I am buying from Magic Cabin, Hearthsong and the name of that toy place Mothering put the insert in their magazine for this month. I will also order two things from Homescience tools.These will be things that require imagination to use, or some brain power. All on line so that DH can't get his usual Wal-Mart toy fix for the year. Although...... I did get a lap harp for my daughter's birthday there.....it was wooden and a fraction of the price I found on line at other places.

I just want nice things that will last. I hate the whole give-me more aspect of the season you know. It's just so depressing.
post #65 of 89
That my children see me being gracious when accepting people's kindness and generosity is much more important to me than what materials their gifts are made out of. They're little sponges, and they learn from how we respond to these kinds of things.
post #66 of 89
To the OP:

This is obviously bugging you a lot, since you've posted twice about it. Maybe you could think in terms of values and principles, and what you want most for your son this holiday season. Is it to cultivate a relationship with his grandparents, to learn how to accept gifts graciously, to have more safe and environmentally friendly toys to play with, to give gifts to others, to see your parents respecting your parenting choices? These are just a few possibilities I've read in your post and in the replies.

It is possible you want all of these, but you might not be able to get them all. Pick one or two that are really important, and once you've decided what those are, it will probably become clear what you can let go of.

And on a practical level, in case you do get stuff you don't want your son playing with much. We keep a stash of toys at each of my parent's houses so we don't have to drag them back and forth every time we visit. Mysteriously, the 'plastic crap with bells and whistles' (as we call it here) always ends up in the grandparent stash, if they gave it to us, and not in our living room.
post #67 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by abimommy View Post
I would have probably redirected someone over a light up bench if they asked me.

If she asks for a list why doesn't she pay attention to it? Is she having trouble finding things? Could you maybe list where to find things in addition to what they might like?

You could have some natural toy companies send catalogs to her house.
I really like your last idea. Thanks!
post #68 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
That my children see me being gracious when accepting people's kindness and generosity is much more important to me than what materials their gifts are made out of. They're little sponges, and they learn from how we respond to these kinds of things.
I agree. DH and I have always been very gracious of what's been given to us and we want DS to be this way, too. No doubt! But I also feel like she is not respecting my parenting choices and that's where the environmentally friendly toys come in to play as well.

And I don't feel like I'm micro managing the list that I provided like some other pp's have mentioned. It's really about the one specific toy that I've sent pictures to my mom about even before I provided the list of the other things that bothers me.
But in any event, we've decided to wait until his b-day to give him the tool bench since too much money has already been spent on other things and there is no room left in her budget to buy the toy.
post #69 of 89
i was always taught to accept gifts graciously whether i liked them or not. i can't imagine telling my mother not to buy something she wanted to buy for dd. unless it was dangerous or immoral, of course. i'm not into telling people what to do. it is odd, though, that she asked for a list and didnt get anything off of it.
post #70 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
I think you are micromanaging.

As for the HomeDepot toy mention the reviews. Maybe come to a compromise mom I realize you want that work bench, its a great idea. But with those reviews why don't we do this -- link to bench. Maybe go 50/50 Your guy is little and your mom might not be aware of the reviews and how valuable they can be.

As for the Lego table....please evaluate your no plastic ideas. Plastics are a reality of the world today. I do agree limiting them but not with Legos, chest/check peices, dice, et. It is not necessary the plastic that is bad but the limiting nature of some plastic toys. Even at times "limited" nature toys can server for great fun and purpose -- like snap circuits.
Bolded part - I did this already, so why do you think I'm mircomanaging??
post #71 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrittneyMarie View Post
i was always taught to accept gifts graciously whether i liked them or not. i can't imagine telling my mother not to buy something she wanted to buy for dd. unless it was dangerous or immoral, of course. i'm not into telling people what to do. it is odd, though, that she asked for a list and didnt get anything off of it.
She did get some things off of the list that I provided. And I'm not telling her what to buy - she wanted ideas - I gave them to her. I explained to her from the get-go how I wanted to go a certain way with his toys this year and when she didn't care to listen, that's when I got frustrated.

The Legos thing - yes, I'll back off on that one because it is a nice set and I know for sure that he'll enjoy it - but like I said earlier, I made it clear that I wanted to have as many things as possible made out of eco-friendly materials and she just didn't seem to care about it. Oh well, right?

Not a big deal anymore!
post #72 of 89
Hi - haven't read all the replies, but I was wondering if your mom is close by - could you maybe have her keep the toy at HER house, as a special treat for your LO when he goes over there?

This is one of those issues I've thought a whole lot about. Growing up, people would usually get me things I didn't want, didn't like, didn't care about. Still today, certain folks want to get DS things that I think are pointless or useless or obnoxious, and really, sometimes I just want to cancel the whole gift-giving thing. In fact, I DID tell everyone I wasn't participating in gifts a few years running, but guess what? I got presents anyway. And yeah, most of them things I didn't want. To me it seems like a waste, but I understand deep down that giving those gifts makes the giver feel good, and I would NOT want to spoil that for them. I have always been a gracious gift giver AND receiver, and I can't imagine teaching my LOs any different.

I've also come around to reality on the toys situation. DH and I agree we want to limit toys, and we prefer to have toys around that encourage active or open-ended play, but we also know that not everyone sees it the same way, and we've figured out that exposure to "other" types of toys is not going to hurt him. (He's just going to covet those things at other kids' houses anyway - DH and I both remember THAT from our own childhoods. )
post #73 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by busymama77 View Post
I agree. DH and I have always been very gracious of what's been given to us and we want DS to be this way, too. No doubt! But I also feel like she is not respecting my parenting choices and that's where the environmentally friendly toys come in to play as well.

And I don't feel like I'm micro managing the list that I provided like some other pp's have mentioned. It's really about the one specific toy that I've sent pictures to my mom about even before I provided the list of the other things that bothers me.
But in any event, we've decided to wait until his b-day to give him the tool bench since too much money has already been spent on other things and there is no room left in her budget to buy the toy.

If this one toy is that importent to you then buy it yourself. Problem solved. You know you get exactly what YOU want (which its not about you, its about your DS) and you know your mom is under less pressure, to make sure she gets the "right" toy.

Get over this and over yourself and see that your mom is trying to do something nice, and if she's anything like me (broke beyoned broke) that plastic "crap" may be more within her budget. I've had some great toys that were plasic, toys that went through both my girls, and have been passed on to other families in need. I've had wooden toys and they were crap, and cost WAY more then the plastic stuff that lasted way longer.

Natural toys are all well and good if you can afford them. Personally I would take anything for my child at this point, and its better then nothing. I have no family around me to help me out. My girls will get a couple homemade toys (thanks to a mom here who recommended it, great idea) but my older DD is 4. She's old enough to know that she's not getting what everyone else is, and it will hurt her when there are no toys under the tree.

Oh and Lego's are the BEST toy ever. Just think of the hours of imaginative play with them.
post #74 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by busymama77 View Post
I agree. DH and I have always been very gracious of what's been given to us and we want DS to be this way, too. No doubt! But I also feel like she is not respecting my parenting choices and that's where the environmentally friendly toys come in to play as well.

And I don't feel like I'm micro managing the list that I provided like some other pp's have mentioned. It's really about the one specific toy that I've sent pictures to my mom about even before I provided the list of the other things that bothers me.
But in any event, we've decided to wait until his b-day to give him the tool bench since too much money has already been spent on other things and there is no room left in her budget to buy the toy.
So you've told her what to buy, sent pictures, and made an issue of the alternative that she selected... I'm missing the graciousness here.

What if someone you know asked you to buy their kid a Bratz doll (or something equally against your values or outside of your budget) and you took the time to find an ecologically sounder alternative and then they got mad that you were not supporting their values and asked you to go and get the proper Bratz doll and had Bratz catalogues sent to your house... how would you feel about that relationship?

The thing is - you do have the final control. You can give any toy away you like. If it's not worth the battle with your child once the gift is given, that should tell you something right there.

Is it really worth the damage to your relationship with the gift giver and the modelling you are passing onto your child over this particular item? Is your desire to keep a ecologically friendly home worth making an emotionally unfriendly situation with relatives and friends? Is there a middle ground where you accept an 80% eco-whatever pile of toys and 20% gifted plastic in order to demonstrate values like gratitude and compromise and acceptance of others' points of view?

These are tough questions but from your posts here I think it would be good to have a thought about what compromises our environment from a slightly broader perspective. Being overly picky with gifts that truly are love-inspired can be toxic in a different way.
post #75 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KimberlyD0 View Post
If this one toy is that importent to you then buy it yourself. Problem solved. You know you get exactly what YOU want (which its not about you, its about your DS) and you know your mom is under less pressure, to make sure she gets the "right" toy.

Get over this and over yourself and see that your mom is trying to do something nice, and if she's anything like me (broke beyoned broke) that plastic "crap" may be more within her budget. I've had some great toys that were plasic, toys that went through both my girls, and have been passed on to other families in need. I've had wooden toys and they were crap, and cost WAY more then the plastic stuff that lasted way longer.

Natural toys are all well and good if you can afford them. Personally I would take anything for my child at this point, and its better then nothing. I have no family around me to help me out. My girls will get a couple homemade toys (thanks to a mom here who recommended it, great idea) but my older DD is 4. She's old enough to know that she's not getting what everyone else is, and it will hurt her when there are no toys under the tree.

Oh and Lego's are the BEST toy ever. Just think of the hours of imaginative play with them.
I understand what you're saying, but she offered to buy it, so I'm not going to take that away from her. We've already decided and planned on what we're getting DS ourselves and have budgeted for that.
post #76 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
So you've told her what to buy, sent pictures, and made an issue of the alternative that she selected... I'm missing the graciousness here.

What if someone you know asked you to buy their kid a Bratz doll (or something equally against your values or outside of your budget) and you took the time to find an ecologically sounder alternative and then they got mad that you were not supporting their values and asked you to go and get the proper Bratz doll and had Bratz catalogues sent to your house... how would you feel about that relationship?

The thing is - you do have the final control. You can give any toy away you like. If it's not worth the battle with your child once the gift is given, that should tell you something right there.

Is it really worth the damage to your relationship with the gift giver and the modelling you are passing onto your child over this particular item? Is your desire to keep a ecologically friendly home worth making an emotionally unfriendly situation with relatives and friends? Is there a middle ground where you accept an 80% eco-whatever pile of toys and 20% gifted plastic in order to demonstrate values like gratitude and compromise and acceptance of others' points of view?

These are tough questions but from your posts here I think it would be good to have a thought about what compromises our environment from a slightly broader perspective. Being overly picky with gifts that truly are love-inspired can be toxic in a different way.
I'm not TELLING her what to buy. I had mentioned the idea of getting this for DS for Christmas overall, she said that she would be more than happy to get it for him and once I sent her picutres of what I had in mind, she went the complete opposite route!!!! THAT'S what I've been trying to say this entire time. I feel like my words are getting misunderstood here. It hasn't been discussed any further. She's actually going to wait to give it to him for his birthday now, like I previously mentioned. They always get a big present for him - whether it's for Christmas OR for his birthday. Regardless if I've given her an idea of what to get him, any gift that she's ever given to DS, he's been super gracious for and so have DH and I. Please - it's not about that at all!

Hell, she even went out and got a $500 bike trailer for him for his b-day last year. A TON more than DH and I EVER expected for him to get, but she knew about much DS loved going on bike rides w/ DH and now he couldd do it more often. I gave her an idea and she rolled with it. I didn't TELL her what to buy and I didn't micromanage - she did this on her own.
post #77 of 89
I am learning to take a deep breath and get over it.
This year, Grandma wouldn't even tell us what she got ds for his bday. As he opened it I knew why. I'm CERTAIN she knows the gift goes against what we are shooting for (no pun intended, and yes the gift included a gun) in our home. I guess she decides she isn't concerned. And ds does love the toy.
It will break and end up in the landfill, unfortunately, soon enough. I hate being the one in the position to have to throw out a large plastic toy. Ick.
post #78 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by busymama77 View Post
I understand what you're saying, but she offered to buy it, so I'm not going to take that away from her. We've already decided and planned on what we're getting DS ourselves and have budgeted for that.
Then be happy that she is buying one and don't be ungreatful for HER generousity. The fact is that its her choice whats she can buy and she knows what she can afford.
post #79 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by terrabella View Post
Legos are an awesome toy.

If I ever tried to take my kids' legos away, they'd be all and I'd be all .
So true!

Legos are hands down my favorite toy - ds will spend hours building intricate ships and cities. It's so cool to see all the creative, inventive things he makes with those tiny pieces. He loves them & they are a WONDERFUL open ended toy. Don't discount them because they are plastic or you will be missing out on an amazing toy. Seriously.

And as far as the tool bench goes - yeah, let it go. Sure, I hate flashy plastic toys as much as anyone else. But it's a GIFT. Be gracious, say thanks, and let it go.
post #80 of 89
Why should the OP capitulate on her values and beliefs in order to conform to someone's impulse buying? At what point would someone say "too far?"

Just because it isn't something one person cares about doesn't mean the OP is out of line for believing that way and asking others to be mindful of her choices and values.

People have purchased inappropriate clothing for my dd and I never let her wear them. I don't really like being placed in that position. I would rather they not have gotten something at all if they were going to get something she wouldn't be allowed.

Everyone has relatives that have NO IDEA what someone is really like because they tend to get the most inappropriate thing imaginable.

I understand some people like to shop and they get mesmerized by the flashing lights and music but not all kids like those things. My ds likes blocks he likes trains and he likes balls. He isn't really as interested in the flashy toys. (unless balls are involved )
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