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Do I just get over it? - Page 5

post #81 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by busymama77 View Post
I'm not TELLING her what to buy. I had mentioned the idea of getting this for DS for Christmas overall, she said that she would be more than happy to get it for him and once I sent her picutres of what I had in mind, she went the complete opposite route!!!! THAT'S what I've been trying to say this entire time. I feel like my words are getting misunderstood here. It hasn't been discussed any further. She's actually going to wait to give it to him for his birthday now, like I previously mentioned. They always get a big present for him - whether it's for Christmas OR for his birthday. Regardless if I've given her an idea of what to get him, any gift that she's ever given to DS, he's been super gracious for and so have DH and I. Please - it's not about that at all!

Hell, she even went out and got a $500 bike trailer for him for his b-day last year. A TON more than DH and I EVER expected for him to get, but she knew about much DS loved going on bike rides w/ DH and now he couldd do it more often. I gave her an idea and she rolled with it. I didn't TELL her what to buy and I didn't micromanage - she did this on her own.
Well you said:

I explained to her from the get-go how I wanted to go a certain way with his toys this year and when she didn't care to listen, that's when I got frustrated.

This does come across to me as telling her what to get. Sorry, but it does. You said you sent a picture, and you said you pointed out the reviews on her choice. Maybe to you that doesn't seem micromanaging, and maybe it's not playing out like that in person, but if I were on the receiving end, I would be giving up at this point.

You asked originally if you should get over it and I am saying that in my reading of what you've said throughout the thread, it might be good to take into consideration that gift giving is not only about the ecological values. There are also values around courtesy and family and gratitude, and I just think that in your frustration you may be missing out on those. But I've found that in my life and my family's life, the way we treat each other is just as much a part of our environment as the plastics and woods. Those are just my thoughts; hope it goes well for you.
post #82 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by abimommy View Post
Why should the OP capitulate on her values and beliefs in order to conform to someone's impulse buying? At what point would someone say "too far?"

Just because it isn't something one person cares about doesn't mean the OP is out of line for believing that way and asking others to be mindful of her choices and beliefs.

People have purchased inappropriate clothing for my dd and I never let her wear them. IMO it really shows a lack of foresight getting my dd something like that. I was a bit irritated at the time because I had no idea why they thought I would ever be ok with that.
I totally control my house and if I think a toy is unsafe or really inconsistent with my values, of course I'll remove it.

What I don't do is make other people responsible for that. Sure, if they ask I'll share. But otherwise, it's really my issue - not theirs. Although I will allow there are a few toxic people who give gifts in order to be mean, the vast majority of people are just out doing their shopping within their budgets trying to be nice.

In my opinion gifts should be graciously received. If I believe SO strongly that my son shouldn't be exposed then I have no problem removing the gift afterwards. But treating people's gifts like they are a political statement is just, to me, so so so ungrateful and rude. It's such a culture of entitlement where YOUR gift HAS to conform to MY values. I agree that it's nice if it does but like I said - am I therefore required to shop Disney/Barbie/Bratz? Or is there a middle ground, greased by courtesy?

I don't know. Sometimes I really am saddened that people put things before people like that. If you don't like it, sure, don't keep it. But all this drama trying to MAKE people give the RIGHT thing just feels wrong to me.
post #83 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
I totally control my house and if I think a toy is unsafe or really inconsistent with my values, of course I'll remove it.

What I don't do is make other people responsible for that. Sure, if they ask I'll share. But otherwise, it's really my issue - not theirs. Although I will allow there are a few toxic people who give gifts in order to be mean, the vast majority of people are just out doing their shopping within their budgets trying to be nice.

In my opinion gifts should be graciously received. If I believe SO strongly that my son shouldn't be exposed then I have no problem removing the gift afterwards. But treating people's gifts like they are a political statement is just, to me, so so so ungrateful and rude. It's such a culture of entitlement where YOUR gift HAS to conform to MY values. I agree that it's nice if it does but like I said - am I therefore required to shop Disney/Barbie/Bratz? Or is there a middle ground, greased by courtesy?

I don't know. Sometimes I really am saddened that people put things before people like that. If you don't like it, sure, don't keep it. But all this drama trying to MAKE people give the RIGHT thing just feels wrong to me.
My issue is that I would rather my child be able to enjoy a gift that came from their grandparent.

I don't have a single living grandparent and in my value system grandparents are extremely important. If one of our parents got dd something I wouldn't allow, I would find that unfortunate. I would want dd to enjoy something from her grandparents and cherish it. I wouldn't want her to get something I would just toss. I would have a hard time tossing it because I know how special grandparents are and I miss mine dearly.

"Making it a political statement" is dismissive. A culture of entitlement? What does it say when someone feels they should be able to force a giant hunk of shrieking plastic on someone when they don't believe in that? How is that reasonable?

Do people buy Muslims bottles of wine and get offended when they don't drink it? Do people buy Vegans giant boxes of Summer Sausage and get offended when they do not gush their appreciation?

I don't buy Bratz because I feel they are immodest and vulgar. If someone will only accept Bratz then I would just get them a gift card. I wouldn't turn around and buy them the opposite of what they requested because that just isn't something I do. If someone had on their list, "no Bratz" how would it be rational to then buy the Bratz? Is it "entitlement" to not want Bratz? Someone asked me if they could get dd Bratz and I said, "no." Is that entitlement? How?

Telling people to compromise on their values because someone can't be bothered to read a list they asked for seems wrong to me.
post #84 of 89
OP, I just saw your name in another thread here and recognized it from this one. It was about what your DC is getting for Christmas, and you listed what your child is getting. I would say that your list is not particularly "eco-friendly" despite you claiming in this thread that your focus this year is on getting toys of that nature. Therefore, I have to question some of the things you are saying in this thread about your intentions. If you are willing to hurt someone's feelings or cause tension over their choice of gift for your child because it is not the eco-friendly toy you want, yet you are listing plastic, mass produced toys that you are giving your child, well, that just doesn't add up to me. I would advise you to really think about your motive in this situation.

I'm not sure if it is against policy to bring up something a member wrote in another post here. If it is, by all means please let me know mods. I just had a little lightbulb moment and was trying to be helpful, if indeed the OP does want advice and help from other members here.
post #85 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by abimommy View Post
What does it say when someone feels they should be able to force a giant hunk of shrieking plastic on someone when they don't believe in that? How is that reasonable?

Do people buy Muslims bottles of wine and get offended when they don't drink it? Do people buy Vegans giant boxes of Summer Sausage and get offended when they do not gush their appreciation?

I don't buy Bratz because I feel they are immodest and vulgar. If someone will only accept Bratz then I would just get them a gift card. I wouldn't turn around and buy them the opposite of what they requested because that just isn't something I do. If someone had on their list, "no Bratz" how would it be rational to then buy the Bratz? Is it "entitlement" to not want Bratz? Someone asked me if they could get dd Bratz and I said, "no." Is that entitlement? How?

Telling people to compromise on their values because someone can't be bothered to read a list they asked for seems wrong to me.
See this is exactly where the logic breaks down for me in this discussion.

I don't experience gifts as "forcing a big hunk of plastic." Is it possible that people can deliberately give offensive gifts? Sure.

But I do not think that this is the case with this gift, nor do I think it is often the case.

Offense is something we can not always, but often, choose not to take. I'm not really a Christian, but I've been given jewelry with crosses on it. It doesn't offend me. I understand that in the mind of the giver, they're sharing something valuable with me. I am prepared to accept the gift with an open mind and heart. The thing -- the gift -- is not so important to me. I'll rehome it, or keep it as a symbol of the relationship.

Honestly if I want something that reflects my values, I'll buy it. I don't get this "I'll give you a list of what I want and you'd better stick to it" mentality. Why not just arrange bank transfers?

Life involves getting gifts we don't cherish. However, my belief is that we should still cherish the thought behind the act. To me that's the important part. I do see what you're saying but I do not, personally, believe that it is a gift giver's job to never, ever, ever give something that might be "wrong."
post #86 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biscuits & Gravy View Post
OP, I just saw your name in another thread here and recognized it from this one. It was about what your DC is getting for Christmas, and you listed what your child is getting. I would say that your list is not particularly "eco-friendly" despite you claiming in this thread that your focus this year is on getting toys of that nature. Therefore, I have to question some of the things you are saying in this thread about your intentions. If you are willing to hurt someone's feelings or cause tension over their choice of gift for your child because it is not the eco-friendly toy you want, yet you are listing plastic, mass produced toys that you are giving your child, well, that just doesn't add up to me. I would advise you to really think about your motive in this situation.

I'm not sure if it is against policy to bring up something a member wrote in another post here. If it is, by all means please let me know mods. I just had a little lightbulb moment and was trying to be helpful, if indeed the OP does want advice and help from other members here.
I realize that and not ALL of his toys are going to be eco-friendly - a majority of them are mass produced. That's just the way it goes these days. It was just this one particular thing that I would have liked to have been eco-friendly out of all of the plastic toys that he's received thus far and the things that he'll receive this year. What's so wrong with that?

No feelings have been hurt here. So, I'm not sure what you've gotten that from. My mother is not upset and no tension has been caused at all. Why in the world would I want to take it to that level? It's not worth it. She's not even aware of the frustratioin that I've had (keyword here: HAD).
She would like to get the best thing possible for DS, but if the reviews are not there for a particular item and it's not going to hold up due to poor quality, then she's not going to get it. She's not going to waste her money - I wouldn't want her to!! That's why I was leaning so much more towards the toolbench workshop made out of wood - and if it comes down to it not being that at all - then a product that will last much longer, is a better brand, than the one that she picked out before.

It's not that I'm not looking for advice or suggestions, I just feel like I'm being misunderstood on so many different levels that it's getting harder and harder to explain how I feel.

I have taken my deep breaths and I AM OVER IT!!! It's no longer an issue in my book and I will try not to let something like this get me frustrated again - God forbid.
post #87 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by busymama77 View Post
I had posted a while back about my parents not really going by the list that I give them as far as gifts go for DS for Christmas - they ask for a list and I provide it. I'm really trying to eliminate the amount of plastic toys that he gets, so on his list are wood puzzles, board games, a wooden tool bench set and a set of 200 wood blocks in different shapes.

Again - my mother sends me a picture of a very flimsy, plastic tool bench set made by Home Depot that she saw at TRU. It got poor reviews and was over priced. She liked it because it made a ton of sounds and lite up. While that would be great and I'm sure he'd enjoy it, I would rather find something of better quality that is going to last longer than a month! Then she told me that she got him Legos and a board for him to build on. Again, not on the list and they're plastic.

Do I just get over this and let them get what they want to get for him? I guess I'm just not understanding her reasoning behind all of this. None of this costs any more than the other thing, so money isn't an issue. I'm confused and frustrated and I guess I will do my part in making sure that what he gets is fun and educational, I'd also like to do my part in making sure it's eco-friendly as well.
The bolded statements in your OP are what led me to believe you wanted only eco-friendly. The word "eliminate" is what mislead me to believe you did not want any plastic or non-eco friendly toys. I'm sure you can understand why that would be confusing when trying to figure out your motivation for insisting on a wood tool bench, yet stating that you are also buying him plastic, non-eco friendly toys yourself.
post #88 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by busymama77 View Post
She would like to get the best thing possible for DS, but if the reviews are not there for a particular item and it's not going to hold up due to poor quality, then she's not going to get it. She's not going to waste her money - I wouldn't want her to!! .
I understand this. If it's just a matter of her not knowing about the bad reviews, I'd pass this info on, let her know the alternative(s), and just leave it at that.
post #89 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biscuits & Gravy View Post
The bolded statements in your OP are what led me to believe you wanted only eco-friendly. The word "eliminate" is what mislead me to believe you did not want any plastic or non-eco friendly toys. I'm sure you can understand why that would be confusing when trying to figure out your motivation for insisting on a wood tool bench, yet stating that you are also buying him plastic, non-eco friendly toys yourself.
I agree. While I listed the toys that were eco-friendly, I did not include the few mass produced toys that he will be getting. It's not that I don't WANT him to get them, it's just that he has so many now, that I'm trying to cut back, if you will (probably should've used that word in my OP) on the amount. It's because I wanted the eco part to outweight the mass produced toys. What I had listed as far as what DS is getting - only a couple of those are eco friendly - while the bike and the remote controlled car are not.

Sorry if I sounded hasty earlier. Just trying to explain myself and I guess I'm not doing a very good job.
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